Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Hi Badger. We had appointments at the Fetal Medicine unit at St George's, south London this time around and would be sent there again for a scan with their heart specialist at 16 wks.

iloveblue I was told yesterday I would get an early scan at 8 wks next time. This was also mentioned by midwives who looked after me when we lost Petal - I got the impression it was pretty standard to offer this to women who've had a late loss so the EPU should be able to help.

X

star well done on getting through your appointments if that doesn't sound too daft, it's hard and draining. I'm so sorry about Petal's heart problems. It's so horrible to feel singled out as that one family in so many thousand to be the ones to have a baby with a damaged heart. I can very much empathise with the "why us?"

((hugs)) to you Badger, I'm going through a similar rollercoaster of excitement and devastation. You are doing so well, 23 weeks is a long time to live with the fear already and there's a long way to go yet, but you are getting there. One day at a time and every day your baby girl is bigger and stronger and another day closer to meeting you. Hang in there. We are all due a good luck time!

My stomach is expanding. You know the feeling when you're having a fat day and your trousers are too tight and how desperately wonderful it is when you can undo the button and zip? I want to do that to my skin Quite pleased though as I reckon it must be a good sign.

I am also bravely intending to work all 5 days this week, which will be the first full week I have done since, ooh, mid September!! I tried last week and was off sick by Friday as I felt rubbish, so 2nd time lucky...

I've ordered a little present for DH for our due date next Friday. It's a little glass tealight holder and I'm getting it engraved with Bobbie's name and the SANDS motto "Always loved, never forgotten". We've done a lot of lighting candles for her, and lighting one by her photo so it will be nice for her to have her own special candle holder. Hopefully it will look nice.

If you don't get anywhere with the EPU ilove then you should be able to get a private scan fairly locally, there are clinics all round the country that do this. Hope the EPU will scan you and give you some certainty though.

Elke is very cute Badger

Just been chatting to DH and I'm going to wait till I'm 8 weeks (next Tuesday) and see how I'm feeling. If I'm still not feeling sick will ring EPU - or look into a private scan.
Just had a parent's evening and am sooooo tired. But break up tomorrow for half term - looking forward to a week off.

That tealight sounds lovely spilt - I'm sure your DH will love it.

Well I have sad news
I've been bleeding and cramping since last night. And I just know it's over.
I rang my local EPU this morning who were far from helpful and told me to ring GP or NHS direct as surgery was closed, and GP would refer me for a scan. Or ir bleeding get heavy/pain unbearable then to go to A+E.
I decided to leave things overnight and ring GP tomorrow.
I suppose I've known all along really - the fact that I had no sickness.
I'm ok - have sore eyes from crying on and off all day and it's been a strain trying to hide my sadness from the boys.
But I'm feeling more together now - although I'm can't stop worrying about why this keeps happening.

Hope you are all okay and had a nice weekend x

iloveblue I'm so sorry to read this. Don't really know what to say but I'm thinking of you. Is there any hope or are you pretty certain? It must be so hard trying to hold it together for your boys. Hope DH is looking after you. I will be on here on and off for a bit if you are around still.

iloveblue I'm sorry to hear this sad news. I've been following the thread even tho I haven't posted.
It's so devastating for this to happen after what you've already been through.

Hi star and lucy - thankyou for your kind words.

I am pretty certain - now passing dark blood and small clots
I'm actually okay - if it had to happen, I'm glad its happening now.

Feel so very sorry for you. I hope the physical pain is not too unbearable. I can totally understand what you mean about preferring it to happen early after everything that's already happened.

It just feels like a heavy period at the moment - got my hotwater bottle constantly on the go.

Oh no ilove I am so sorry to hear this. I was so hoping this one would be a keeper for you

Wish I could say something useful but there is nothing is there. Thoughts are with you, keep posting if it helps xx

Thanks spilt
Had a horrible night last night but it seems the worst is over as the cramps have gone this morning and the bleeding is much lighter.
Just waiting for GP to ring me back to organise a scan - its just a formality really as I know its gone.

I can't help myself thinking about reasons why this has happened again - what has changed in the last 5 years that is preventing me from having a successful pregnancy. Or is it really just bad luck?
My Mum's theory is that maybe I can't carry girls, not sure if there is any scientific reason to back that up - but I will mention it to the consultant when we find out the gender of our baby.

How are you?

Hello ilove, so sorry to read your sad news, wish I could say something to make it better. Sending you a big hug x

I'm ok thanks ilove - a stinking cold which is making me feel rather pathetic but nothing to what you are going through.

How did you get on with the GP? I hope you got a decent one. With no scientific evidence whatsoever I would expect that this loss is down to crappy luck rather than any more disturbing reason. Not that that would make it any easier. Hoping your consultant will be able to give you some answers about your October baby. That's in about 3 weeks isn't it?

Take care x

Hi iloveblue. Hope you've been well looked after today and have been seen for a scan. When is your consultants appointment - it must be soon now? I would imagine it's just very bad luck that this has happened or possibly your body just wan't quite ready again yet. My consultant told me not to be too hard on myself when I complained about my cycles not settling as losing a pregnancy at 20 weeks is a big upheaval for your body to got through. Try not to think the worst - you don't yet know what happened to cause your first loss and more likely than not what has just happened will be unrelated to this. I'm sure you'll be able to have another successful pregnancy soon. Sending you big hugs too.

Don't know if anyone is using SANDS for support? They have lots of different forums on there - you have to register to join first to see them all. I found a group for people whose babies had heart abnormalities and there are other groups for various causes (and also those who find no known cause), as well as support for people ttc after a loss and for those who miscarry after a late loss. This forum will always be my first port of call but there are some useful posts there as well.

I also finally got round to contacting the local SANDS group and they are sending me some info. Turns out they have a new support group starting in our town next month - I'm keen to give it a go and see if I can make a few friends locally who are perhaps ttc after a loss as I think it could be a big help. DH isn't too keen though. Think he prefers to just get on with things or is worried it might be too much.

Hello everyone

I saw a lovely GP today who then referred me for a scan at the EPAS. They did a pregnancy test first (they don't scan if it comes up negative) and it came up positive straight away.
Had to have a trans-vaginal scan which I was dreading but it was fine and it showed my uterus was completly empty.
I saw this as good news (I was pretty sure I'd already passed the embryo last night) as it meant I didn't have to have an ERPC. I then had a chat with a lovely nurse. I have to POAS again in two weeks to make sure its negative - to rule out an ectopic.

I actually feel well and postive at the moment - I may come crashing down again in a day or two, but I'm ok at the moment.

Both the GP and the nurse said that the losses are not linked. An early loss and a late loss are very different things medically and could not be caused by the same problem. That made me feel better. They also said that it wasn't caused by getting pregnant again so quickly - that is a myth apparently.

I actually felt that they listened to me today, and that really helped. We have decided we will try again in 3 months. I just don't think I could cope with another loss in the immediate future.
I'm also looking forward for a few months of not being pregnant or trying to get pregnant - I just want to switch off from it all.

Again, I feel proud of my body in a way - that my instincts were right again, and that my body knew something was wrong and dealt with in the most efficient way.

Well done, I'm glad you've been so well looked after and you sound like you're coping really well. I think I would feel similarly relieved about not needing an ERPC, that makes complete sense.

Anyone seen leosmummy anytime recently? I often wonder how she is, she's not been here for a while.

I've been worrying about leosmummy too spilt - but understand why she might have wanted to take some time away.

Oh ilove i am so so sorry. I have only just seen your post.
I dont know what to say... Its so incredibly cruel anyway, but for someone that has suffered such a lot already it makes me feel sick.

Im so glad that today you felt you were listened to by the health professionals and that you and your husband are talking about the future.

All my love to you, your husband and boys xxxx

spilt I havent seen leomummy but also wonder how she is too.

hi ilove im so sorry this has happened to you, i felt exactly the same re knowing it was going to happen before it did, i wanted to grieve but my oh wouldnt let me, he wouldnt give up hope until the doctor told us it was deffinitely over, i hope you are being looked after x

Thankyou badger and laylasmummy

I've had a rubbish day today - nowhere near as together as I was yesterday. And on the verge of tears all day.
I know its partly the effect of the hormones dropping but its hard.

Crossing my scan date off the calendar for the second time in 4 months hit me hard.

I know I will bounce back - and it won't be as hard as last time.

Hope you are all okay x

Oh sweetie of course it's hard. You've had such an awful 4 months. Infact I just spotted the dates at the start of the thread and realised it is exactly 4 months for you today since your first loss. And this will just open up that raw hurt all over again. It's not just the loss of a baby, it's also the loss of hope again, and the loss of a future and that is really tough to adjust to all over again. Don't expect too much from yourself xx

Oh ilove. Im sending you an enormous hug as i know you need it.
Its absolutely heartbreaking and as Spilt says its not just the loss of your baby but also the hopes and future you had so badly hoped for.

Did your boys know you were pregnant? How is your husband?

Please take it easy and be kind to yourself xxx

We had just told the boys on Friday Badger as I was feeling positive and had a small bump that they had noticed. They were fine when I told them what had happened - I explained that it wasn't actually a baby yet. DH is fine - he's working from home today to give me a bit of time to myself.

I think I am going to take a break from MN for a few weeks. I will be back to let you know how we get on at our consultants appointment - but just need to distance myself from all things baby for a while.

spilt - I will be thinking of you and DH on Bobbie's due date - its Friday isn't it?

badger - hope everything continues to go well for you and your little Elke over the next few weeks

star - hope your cycles start to sort themselves out and you can get started with the TTC

littlewish - hope you are okay and continue to feel stronger over the next few weeks

leosmummy - thinking of you too

laylasmummy - I can't remember if you said you were TTC or not - good luck if you are

Speak to you all soon x

Thanks ilove, Friday it is yes. I understand the need to step away for a bit, we'll be here when you're ready. Take care of yourself xx

Hi iloveblue thanks for your message, completely understand and please take care. I'll be thinking of you when you go for your consultants appointment.

X