Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

star Im so sorry you are feeling low. I think you are doing amazingly well to be able to go back to work and carry on with your boss being such a reminder.
When i first lost Freya i used to cross the road if i saw a pregnant woman coming towards me as i couldnt handle looking at them or the feeling of jealousy that they got to keep their babies and i didnt.

For the last two weeks i have felt like you with the constant thought of your meeting hanging round your neck, except mine was my scan. I havent been able to eat or sleep worrying about it.
Once its over with i hope you get the answers you need and can move on to the next step.

Trying again is incredibly hard and takes alot of bravery on your part as you just cant stop thinking 'what if?' but we will all be here to try and help you through. xx

spilt Everything you have written i said to my husband on Monday when i had a complete meltdown about our scan.

At our scan we werent shown the heartbeat straight away and my heart stopped. Once we were told the sex i could hear myself saying 'oh right... a girl' and caught the student sonographer giving me a funny look so started faking a 'normal' reaction. I cant get excited either.

I feel i am on a countdown to 31 weeks where its all gonna go tits up again and ill be birthing another dead baby girl.

I ended up having a disagreement with a friend as she cant see how i can go another 18 weeks thinking im not gonna get a baby out of this.
I feel incredibly guilty for the baby but its the only way i can cope at the min.

I had so many hopes and dreams for Freya and none of those will ever come true and i dont know if i can do that again with this baby.

Being a bereaved parent is incredibly lonely. People ask if your ok but dont really wanna know the 'real' answer and i get the feeling they expect me to be over it now...
I will never be 'over' Freya as you wont with Bobbie but it will get easier. I cant truely say if we will ever react 'normally' like other expecting parents again as we have experienced the worst parts of pregnancy but i really wish we could

Thank you all so much for telling me I am not going insane... or if I am, you are all coming with me! It's all such a massive heartbreak and I am so gutted that you all know this pain too, it's just horrible to think of all the suffering there is out there. star your ultrasound lady sounds lovely and she is so right, it doesn't leave you.

ilove your words sum it up so exactly "I am completely and utterly prepared to lose this baby and can't really see any other outcome at the moment." Yes me too. Just which scan will it be?

And Badger like you I feel so shit and guilty for not enjoying this baby at all, having no sense of anticipation or excitement. I'm scared that if/when it all goes wrong it will be the horrible grief and loss compounded by this horrible feeling that I never even enjoyed it while it lasted. I said this to DH last night and he said we could maybe start making some kind of scrapbook/collage or whatever with things from this pregnancy to try and help us engage with it a bit and build some excitement. And I said "yes, to give us something to put in the memory box at the end". Realised that is why I have saved my pregnancy tests and every appointment letter - because I'm hoarding for the memory box again.

Yesterday was bloody awful actually. Finally the news came at work that the colleague's baby has just arrived, just over 2 weeks before Bobbie should have. The new baby was the talk of the office and pics etc were thrust in my face. Whilst obviously being very glad that the baby is here safe, I just wanted to scream "Get the sodding pics AWAY from me!" Eventually when the story was being recounted for the third time I left to hide and have a cry in the loos and was really wound up when after about 3 mins in comes female colleague and cleaner continuing their discussion. I felt hunted.

I also feel such a complete cow as the mum had an induction and then a section and everyone was full of "poor her!" and I was snarling inside thinking how they are missing the fucking point that she has a live well baby and some of us would kill for that and don't feel very sympathetic. I feel so horrible writing this, and I would never say it but for here and to DH. I know birth can be horribly traumatic but that doesn't stop my seething jealousy and the enormous pain of knowing that however traumatic a birth I will never get my baby.

This is what I mean about being damaged by my experiences and not being able to be "normal". I feel really screwed up.

It feels like I've gone back about 3 months now. Last night I got myself home and then cried on DH for about an hour and a half. I can't describe the pain. It comes and goes doesn't it, and this was like the early days again. Those horrible thoughts that maybe you'll just stop breathing and then never have to feel this way again.

DH asked me if I wanted to talk to our vicar or someone again and I am ashamed to say it drew an outburst of "I don't want to speak to a sodding Christian who will try to fix things by praying!"

Argh. One day at a time. We will survive. Love to you all xx

Im really sorry you are feeling like this spilt it is very understandable, I can't think of the words to help you feel better but I do remember getting very very upset again near my due date and feeling overwhelmingly sad. Big hug x

A colleague's grandaughter was born a few weeks before I was due and I am still unable to look at her as she will always be a reminder to how my baby would look now IYKWIM.

You are right about one day at a time. x

Oh spilt - I really feel for you.

I'm giggling at your outburst I have to admit .
But I am sure you will start feeling more positive soon - we are going to have ups and downs (for sometime to come I expect) and the hormones I'm sure are not helping.

Your DH sounds very sweet and understanding - his idea of starting a collage/scrap book is a good one. Also, what about writing a journal? It is clear you have a knack for expressing your feelings through words.

I started talking to DH about names a few nights ago. Originally I said I wasn't even going to think about names till last possible minute, but I'm also trying to find a way to engage and feel excited about this baby. I woke up in a positive frame of mind this morning. I'm still not feeling sick - which has been worrying me, but I'm trying to be positive and adopt the attitude 'what will be, will be' - and there's nothing I can do about it. So, I rang the hospital and made an appointment for my 12 week scan (25th March) where they also told me I'm booked in to see the midwife on 6th March (for booking in). March is going to be a busy month, what with consultants appt on the 15th too!

DS2's teacher also made a comment today that really cheered me up. DS2 started school in January and has the same teacher that DS1 had last year.

DS2 was chatting away to her this morning when I dropped him off, and as I was leaving she said about DS2 'I never thought I would meet someone as lovely as Fyfe(DS1), but I was wrong'.

What a sweet thing to say - it really made my day, and made me feel proud of my boys.

Hi ilove, that would have made me very proud too!! Your boys must be a credit to you.

Nice to read you are in a positive place at the moment. Good luck for the month of March. x

Thanks littlewish
How are you?

Hi all,

Sorry to hear you're feeling so sad spilt. Know exactly how you feel, especially the bit about it all coming back suddenly and hurting as much as it did when it happened. I ended up working from home today as felt too upset to be in the office - I did that yesterday and ended up having to retreat to the loos for the first time in quite a while. This week has been tough.

I'm planning to book off the two days before my boss goes on maternity leave - I can't face the leaving presents and speeches knowing it should have been me just a couple of weeks earlier.

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit more positive today ilove and hello littlewish and badger.

X

I think I'm ok at the moment iloveI am functioning normally on the outside as if nothing has happened. One minute I feel like it was all a dream because the baby is never mentioned in RL anymore and I am back where I started this time last year with dh and our 2 boys, but I feel on the inside I find myself obssesed with babies now. I know no more will be comming my way but I am back to buying Fairy non bio and comfort pure for some strange reason and I just want to fill my basket with baby wipes in boots (I want to smell that smell) Dh will think I'm nuts if I tell him they are to take my make up off with. So thinking about it I'm not as ok as I could be. I've been eating weetabix with warm milk for weeks too just like the boys had when they were little.

Crikey I sound absolutely nuts, I even dreamed that my mother had a baby a few nights ago, She is 61! I think I need to talk to dh a bit cos I'm keeping everything in and its comming out in odd ways.

Thanks for asking. Isn't it difficult how our minds think things over and the strange things we do to feel better.

littlewish I think you're doing incredibly well considering the circumstances. I know we've said this before but it must be harder for you as you havn't got the prospect of being pregnant or TTC to look ahead too.
Have you considered getting some counselling? Not that I agree you sound nuts, because you don't - but it might be useful.

How old are your boys?

I know precisely what you mean about your colleague's granddaughter littlewish. It's not all babies, it's the babies and bumps that I associate with mine because they are about the right age or I was expecting to share the baby stage with their families - those are the ones I can't stand to be around.

ilove you aren't the only one! I think DH snorted as I said it What a lovely comment from your sons' teacher, I can just imagine the warm feeling that must give. Lovely to hear you are feeling brighter today, long may it last!

Hugs to you to star, it's hard when out of nowhere the grief comes and bites you on the arse again. Good call to have those couple of days off. There's no need to put yourself through things like your boss's leaving day if it's going to distress you. I am sure she would understand.

littlewish you don't sound nuts, you are looking for ways to be a mum to your baby and most of the normal ways aren't there. I wanted to buy nappies today for some unknown reason. And I have contemplated many a time buying Bobbie a little babygro to put in her box. Haven't done it yet, but I might at some point I feel so sad that I didn't get to buy her anything and I think part of me wants to still get something for her even though it's pointless.

Thank you all for listening today x

littlewish, I don't think you sound mad at all but it might be worth looking at counselling, or you could contact your local SANDS group - I rang mine today for the first time and left a message for someone to get in touch. We were given the leaflet at the hospital and I've been meaning to do it for some time now.

Thanks for the hugs split :)I'm feeling a little bit brighter now it's the weekend. I think my hormones are playing up at the moment - got a pimply chin and my modd has just taken such a nosedive. Maybe it's PMT and I'm about to get a proper period at last! Off to the cinema tonight which should keep me occupied.

XXX

Good luck with your appointment tomorrow star.

Hope everyone else is okay xx

Thanks iloveblue. Will be glad to get appointment over and done with. Sure it's why I've felt so all over the place again these last few days.

X

hi iloveblue ive been reading this thread and just wanted to say i think all you ladies are incredibly strong and brave, i have had 2 early miscarriages in 6 months wich is horrible enough but what you have all been through is awful and i know i wouldnt have coped making all the decisions you have had to make, i really hope you are getting through it and managing to smile, my first loss was on 17 august (my birthday) at 11 weeks but development had stopped at 8 weeks my due date was 8th march the same as yours too i think, when i am with my family thinking of our baby i will be thinking of you and yours too xxx

Good luck for tomorrow Star

Sorry i havent been around over the weekend. Have just read all the posts.

I hope everyone is doing ok today xx

Hi laylasmummy - thanks for posting, its lovely to hear from you.

I'm sorry for your losses - two in 6 months must have been very tough. Have you been offered any testing to see why this is happening?

My due date is the 8th March - its fast approaching isn't it? I'm not looking forward to it, and I'll be at work too. Thankyou for thinking of us - thats a lovely thought

Hope your appointment goes well star. I hope speaking to an expert helps.

Hi ilove my boys are 17yrs and 10yrs,(we started young I was 20 when DS1 was born) DS1 is very independent, learning to drive, loves karate is a Sergent in the Air Cadets and is big pals with his dad. DS2 is full of beans, quite a chatterbox, loves Scouts, football, spongebob and the Simpsons. He is more of a cuddly one but is growing up very fast. We love them to bits and wish I could turn back the clock sometimes to the early years.

Hi all,

Well we've had our appointment and the results were pretty much as expected - a congenital heart problem that was there from very early on. The consultant said the chances of the defects we had are very, very unlikely to be caused by anything genetic and the chance of it occuring are more than 1 in 10,000. Or an "accident of nature". So we were just incredibly unlucky. That bit is tough - while I'm glad the news was as expected and nothing new was thrown into the mix, it does make you think, yet again, why us? (or anyone for that matter). Other than her heart problem, she was a normal baby.

Anyway, consultant was positive about future pregnancies. The risk of any kind of heart problem happening again is a bit higher than normal (and doesn't matter what the specific heart problem is) - 3-5 % risk but that does also translate as more than a 95% chance all will be fine. I know which odds I'm going to try and focus on.

I now just need to sort my cycles out and relax a bit more. Got a session of accupuncture booked with a lady who specialises in fertility so hopefully that will help.

Hope you're all doing ok. Hello laylasmummy.

i havent been offered anything yet test wise as they wait until the third loss to test for reasons, i will try again because we will either get a healthy baby or (hopefully) find out why its happening so wichever result is better than not knowing anything, i have 1 dd so i cant understand why its happening and the not knowing is driving me mad, hope you are all feelng positive hi shiningstar79 im glad your results were as positive as they could have been xxx

Glad it went well star - and I'm sorry you had to be so unlucky
Sounds positive - hopefully it won't be long till you can start TTC

Can I just ask - was Petal's heart problem picked up at your 12 week scan?

laylasmummy - I really hope it will be third time lucky for you next time. How old is your DD?

littlewish - your DS's sound lovely . We're thinking of starting DS1 (age 6) at Beaver's soon, think he would love it.

Hi star Glad it went as well as it could have today. I too am really sorry you were so unlucky.
Im glad your looking at the positive side of the results and im keeping absolutely everything crossed for you.

How is the yoga going? Is it making a difference to your stress levels?
Good luck with the accupuncture tom.

Hello Laylasmummy09. So sorry we have another recrute to this thread but its a very welcoming and comforting place.

Littlewish Your boys sound gorgeous
Have you managed to sit down and chat to your husband about how you feel?

Ilove and spilt how are you both doing?

Im trying my hardest to stay postive about things here. I actually got excited a few days ago and bought some new clothes for the baby.
Spent the weekend going through all my old newborn clothes from my son and the things i had bought for Freya that she never had a chance to wear.
Had a good old cry and then went through her memory box and sobbed.

Im still worried that in 10 weeks everything is gonna go wrong again and i dont know if i will be able to cope if it does.... but now im slipping back into the bad thoughts so ill give myself a swift slap and get positive again

xx

Hi Badger

It must be tough - but try and stay positive, there is no reason why it will happen agin. Just imagine yourself with your baby girl in your arms. Do you have any name ideas yet? Are you booked in to have anymore scans?

I'm okay thanks - still worrying about lack of symptoms. I'm 7 weeks today and just feel very tired. I go through phases of being very positive and then phases of feeling like its all gone wrong already.
If it continues like this I may ring EPU and see if I can have an early scan.

How are you splilt?

Hi iloveblue. Petal's heart problem wasn't specifically picked up at the 12-weeks scan but we did have a very raised nuchal measurement that raised alarm bells - it was 6.5 when the normal cut off is 3.5. Initially this gave us a 1 in 6 risk for Downs Syndrome, even though my blood test results were pretty normal. So we had the CVS we were offered to check for any chormosomal conditions and that came back as clear. Beacuse our measurement was so high they checked the full set of chromosomes (as well as the most commonly affected ones that caused things like Downs) and found nothing wrong. We were told at the time that the high measurement could also be indicative of a heart condition, so in a round about way, the warning was there at 12-weeks. That said, I've seen stories on MN of ladies with very high nuchals who never find out the cause and go on to have healthy babies.

Although we did have some early warning, I think it is unfortunately one of those things that could go unnoticed until the 20-week scan, or even later depending on how severely the baby is affected. We have been told that next time we would be offered an early scan at 8 wks (although that's mainly for reassurance because it was a late loss in general) and then a 16-week heart scan with a cardiologist in London as well as the usual scans. It is also likely that we could have our 20-week scan with the fetal medicine consultants at the main London hospital we were referred to this time for extra reassurance.

The condition Petal seemed to have was called Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrome - basically means the right side didn't develop normally. It's more common on the left side. Some babies do survive to birth but need to have heart surgery as soon as they are born otherwise it is (and used to be) fatal.

Badger yoga does make me feel better, although I've had a bit of a slack week with it. Will let you know how accupuncture goes - that a few weeks away yet.

Stay positive everyone!

X

ilove I have an appointment with my consultant in 3 weeks and will hopefully have a scan then but also have them booked for 28/ 32/ 36 weeks too.
Iv also gotta have another two GTT blood tests over the next 17 weeks just to make sure.

We spent the weekend picking names as i hate not being able to refer to her as a name so she will be called Elke

I would phone the EPU and let them know what has happened to you. I have found once i explain about Freya the hospital have been tripping over themselves to reassure me.

star What London hospital have you been referred to?

Hi star Hope the answers you had with the consultant have given you peace of mind and hope to look forward to a happier outcome with future babies x

Hi to everyone else, hope you are all well.