Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Hey Everyone,

shiningstar Step Away From Google!
Its is the worst thing you can do, although i know all to well how much you just cant help it, you HAVE gotten pregnant before and will again.
Take it one step at a time or you are gonna drive yourself crazy, and undo all your good work with the yoga . Of course i say this and here i am slowly driving myself crazy by not taking this pregnancy one step at a time.
Scattering Petals ashes
Be kind to yourself (and do tell me to shut up ) xx

spilt You poor thing. Iv never had piles touches everything wooden in the house but they sound awful.
Is it your 12 week scan on Monday?

ilove I cant tell you how angry i am at how you are being treated.
I would definately say get a new GP and then get them on the case chasing up your results.
Contact PALS at the hospital and complain too as they will then get on the consultants case to explain to them why it has taken so long.
Did you ever have contact with a bereavement midwife or anyone like that at the hospital?

My infection has now gone but my back is seriously playing up. Im seeing it as an excuse to sit on the sofa watching non stop Toy Story with my son and eating biscuits
Tuesday is my 20 week scan and we are gonna find out the sex if we can. I keep dreaming im having a little girl and waking up crying.
Cant wait to actually find out and get over the guessing at least then i know if i have to seriously start worrying.

I keep finding myself daydreaming i actually get a living, breathing baby out of this and can see myself cuddling 'her' in the delivery room. Then i snap back into reality and get annoyed for allowing myself to think that.

shiningstar Just realised i didnt finish what i was saying to you. Im really sorry my brain is all over the place.
Scattering Petals ashes in the baby garden sounds so lovely. Im glad it has given you some peace.
xx

Hello everyone
Thankyou for the lovely messages of support.
I'm feeling more together today. I am going to either contact GP/midwife next week - but do you think they will have any access to the results?
I am also going to contact PALs and see if there is anything they can do - I just want someone to listen and take my concerns on board.

Sorry to hear about your news shiningstar - I also don't know much about PCO, but know that lots of ladies with this have successful pregnancies (doesn't Victoria Beckham have it?). I would echo what spilt and badger have said - try not to google, don't blame yourself and take it one step at a time. xx

Sorry to hear about the piles spilt - just another one of those joys of pregnancy. . I had them when expecting both my boys.

Glad your infection has cleared up badger - but sorry to hear about your bad back.
I've also got a very painful back today (after finally getting rid of the sore throat) - I've been hobbling like an old lady. I'm assuming its pregnancy related.

Looking forward to hearing about your scans next week spilt and badger.
Do you have any inkling to the sex badger?

I've just been round to visit my brother and SIL - they had their 12 week scan a few days ago and it was lovely seeing the pics of their two wrigglers.

You don't want them Badger! Judging by the horror stories I have read on here mine really aren't that bad but they are miserable and repulsive and I don't want it to get worse!

Well remembered, it is my 12 weeker on Monday. I should be 12+1 by my dates, or if the early scan is to be believed, 12+6. This happened with Bobbie too, I was completely sure of my dates and at 12 weeks was dated a week ahead of where I should have been giving a conception date of CD5 whilst on period having not had sex. I was and am wondering if I just grow babies fast at the start?!

I'm feeling surprisingly unstressed about this scan so I think the private early one was worth every penny. 3 weeks ago I was half crazy with worry and the hell of not knowing. Now I know that there was a live baby in there 10 days ago that was 4.2cm long. Nothing 4.2cm long has emerged so I know the baby is still in there. Obviously no way of knowing if it is still ok but I am still getting plenty of symptoms so I am not too panicky. It probably helps that this is the 12 weeker, as our 12 weeker last time was magical and so I don't have bad associations with this one. 20 weeks may be a whole different ball game.

Do you get SPD Badger or is the backache purely back rather than pelvic area and all? I think you are taking the right approach to it

I do know what you mean about those hopeful moments of "ooh I am having a baby!" followed by the mental slap you give yourself for getting ahead of things and presuming too much. Can you feel yours moving yet?

ilove DOnt think your GP can find out much more than blood results but having someone on the hospitals back seems to give them a kick up the a**e, or it certainly did mine.

PALS will definately listen to you and get involved on your behalf (as a nurse we are constantly answering questions they have put to the department about patient queries)

Im so glad you got to see your brothers scan pictures. I think it helps so much to have another pregnant buddy to chat to and discuss your worries as your pregnancy goes along.

My best friend is 2 weeks ahead of me and everyday our texts are 'my back hurts, does yours? Im stressed today, are you?'. Makes me feel so much better.

I have thought from day 1 this baby is another boy but the baby girl dreams are now swaying me but ti think they are just stress related. Ill let you all know on Tuesday

Hope your back feels better soon. Iv just invested in a massive support belt and its heaven although my street cred appears to have left the building hahaha

spilt Im glad your private scan has made you so much more relaxed. Definately worth the money. Now you can enjoy your 12 week scan like a 'normal' mum.

Thankfully I dont get SPD just have an old back injury (the joys of nursing) and it plays up alot during my pregnancies but is gone the min the baby is out.

Thanks for all your messages girls. Have had a relatively calm few days. Hope you're all doing well. Hope your scans go well this week spilt and badger. Keep us posted and sending lots of positive vibes.

You're right spilt, it looks like having polycystic ovaries is different to having the full syndrome and I haven't had any of the more severe symptoms other than a longer, more irregular cycle than some. The sonographer said more than 20% of women have polycystic ovaries and then 5%-10% have PCOS. Jools Oliver and Victoria Beckham do have it. I'll speak to doctor next week but it has given me renewed focus to loose a bit of weight and eat a bit more healthily (rather than just saying I should!!!). While I'm only really a little bit overweight, I am heavier than I'd like to be and weight can affect hormones. Plus I always feel better when I get on a health kick - just takes me a while get started!

The good news is the swabs they took came back as fine, so obviously don't have any infection or anything like that.

Have just read the news about Amanda Holden. So very sad and must be so difficult to have to go through in the public eye, especially having been so careful not to reveal the pregnancy early on due to the previous miscarriage. How heartbreaking.

Warm wishes to everyone for the week ahead.

X

Hi everyone, Just popping in to say hello, good luck with the scans spilt and badger. Thinking about you all x x

Glad you've had a few good days shiningstar

So very sad about Amanda Holden. It brings it all back, I've had a cry about it all and understand her pain .

Good luck today spilt xxx

Yes, good luck today splilt - hope you see one healthy little wriggly baby

It's still alive! Measuring 57.5mm now, still with heartbeat and dated me at 12+2 which is just 1 day different to my charting dates so feeling fairly happy.

Next scan in 4 weeks (so at 16 weeks) on 7th March. Thank you for all your thoughts and wishes xx

Fab news spilt
Did you get any pics?

Oh spilt that is fantastic. Im so happy for you

Wonderful spilt I need to get the ruler out again

Thanks girls, yes we did get some pics. Looks a bit like a jelly baby tbh, it was lying on it's side facing us. I have a thumping headache now - I think it's the stress of the morning catching up!

Best wishes to you Badger for Wednesday. Can't believe it's 20 weeks for you already.

The slighty part of today was that the doc reckoned they will need to have a close look later on at baby's brain and eyes as it's just possible that I had the tail end of my acute toxo infection early in this pregnancy. Apparently it can then sometimes cause small calcified deposits in the brain and vision problems. I am Not Going To Google as I do not wish to go insane. For now, I am focusing on having a live baby that is the size it should be and that is a vast improvement on last time.

Had my scan today and everything is great and im having a little girl.

We had a 2 hr scan where they looked at every single part of her to check it was all ok.
I had a little cry when they said it was a girl but after looking at her on the screen all morning i cant help but be a tiny bit excited.

Gonna allow myself to look online for baby girl stuff tonight before i go back to my normal worrying tomorrow.

Aaw congratulations Badger that's wonderful news! Sorry I got muddled and thought your scan was tomorrow. That's so good that you had such a long and detailed scan, must have been lovely. Very chuffed for you. Enjoy it tonight

I thought it was tomorrow too spilt - was just coming on to say good luck.

Lovely news Badger - glad they took the time to do it all properly. You should definitely get a bit excited x

Great news spilt and badger!

The 2-hour scan sounds reassuring and must have been lovely once you knew things were looking fine.

Hopefully we'll be having baby scans again soon :)

We've less than a week to go now until our appointment with the consultant (next Tuesday). Spoke to GP tonight and she's printed out a copy of my ultrasound report, which apart from the polycystic ovaries was fine, and suggested I take it to the appointment next week to show consultant. She's also got a proper information leaflet for me to pick up - rather than worrying myself on Google!

I'm tempted to look into accupucture to help regulate my hormones and also help relieve stress - I did reflexology when we were trying last time and it seemed to have a positive impact.

X

Just in case i don't speak to you before star - hope the appointment goes well next week, and you get all the information you're hoping for.

I would love to try reflexology. Might treat myself to some sessions a bit further down the line.

A little girl badger brill! Very happy for you. A 2 hour scan fascinating stuff.

Best of luck star with doc appointment.

Hi to everyone else too.

Hi all,

Feeling sad tonight. Not sure exactly what's set it off but work's not that easy at the moment. Don't think I've mentioned before but my boss (who is very nice and has been very supportive) is pregnant. She's only a month behind where I should be - only I'm not. Seeing her bump grow is getting harder now. I'm dreading the end of March - it will be my due date the same week she goes off on her maternity leave (which I should already be on by that time).

I think next week's appointment is also playing in the back of my mind. Once we've had that - and hopefully are given the all clear for a future pregnancy - we'll be trying again. I know I should feel more positive but at the moment it feels like we'll be back to square one, almost exactly where we were this time last year when I was just planning to come off the pill. And I'm terrified.

Hope you're all feeling a bit better than I am right now. Take care.
X

Oh star you poor love. How excruciating to have to go back to be with a pregnant boss . I am still totally unable to cope with late pregnancies/newborns (i.e. those that are/were due around the time I was). I went back to work in late November and from then until Christmas managed to totally avoid my pregnant colleague who was due 4 weeks before me by skiving meetings and booking days off until she went on mat leave. Just couldn't face her at all. We also have friends due 4 weeks after I was, so she is 33+5 now and I haven't seen her at all yet either. I get upset just hearing about her pregnancy via DH. I think I would crumple at the sight of her bump. And then there is a few week old baby of a church friend who I haven't managed to see yet either. I am not ignoring these people - I have emailed/sent cards etc as appropriate but just can't manage to see them yet. And it is 4 months today since Bobbie was born. I hope it gets easier. Can you book a few days off around your due date?

I've been thinking over the past few days and trying to psyche myself up to post a bit of a brain dump if you'll all bear with me?

On Sunday we went to the cemetery to visit Bobbie and take her a pot of daffodils (my favourites). DH asked me how I am doing and I thought about it and said ok actually, I think I'm getting used to it now and I don't feel quite as traumatised anymore. For a week or so I'd just been feeling generally lighter and like the smiles come easier and less weighed down by sadness. And visiting the cemetery didn't ache so much. I felt twinges of guilt for going whole blocks of 30 mins without thinking about Bobbie at all and wondered maybe if that was me healing?

But actually now since my scan I feel all damaged by what's happened to me. We were in the scan room and the sonographer said "there's the HB, the baby's alive" and I felt a sense of relief, yes, but not excited at all. I saw the baby on the screen and I didn't feel anything. With Bobbie we first saw her and our faces lit up and it was so special and we nearly skipped out of the scan room. It was like we were being promised a baby and there she was, live and kicking and we'd have her in a few months. This time it doesn't feel like that at all . I just feel this sense of "oh, good, baby's ok for now, it's not going wrong at 12 weeks, when will it?" Like we'll never get there, we'll just get through a few hurdles only to face the heartache later on. The further we get the more frightened I am of how much this is going to hurt. I cried Monday night - after a good scan. That isn't normal is it? I feel all broken and yes, actually, still very traumatised.

In tears again now. It hurts, and I keep wondering when will I feel normal? When will I react to life like a normal person? When will I be less afraid??

I get so angry with people who believe I am having a baby. NO! I am pregnant and I might have a baby. It is far from a done deal. My mum wants copies of our scan pictures and I can't do it, I can't give them to her. I'm not ready to have them cooed over, forwarded on and have people get excited. I don't feel sure enough yet. But will I ever? Or will this be the baby that our grandparents only find out about after it's born?? I can't face telling and then disappointing them all again.

I've pretty much given up on my August antenatal bunch. I don't have the confidence. They are all getting their scans and believing that this is going to happen and I don't. I feel very lost.

Am I making any sense? Does anyone else feel like this?

Thanks for listening all, I appreciate it so much. It's a lonely path we tread xx

So sorry star and spilt that you're feeling down.

star I can also completly sympathise with you regarding the pregnant colleagues. There were two heavily pregnant ladies at work when I returned and I found it very hard. I was lucky in a way as I teach in a different part of the building so didn't run into them much but when I did it physically hurt.
I also felt the same when we found out my brother and SIL's lovely news (expecting twins) - a real physical pain alongside being really happy and excited for them.

I am finding things a bit harder as our due date approaches (8th March) and keep imagining what I would have been doing if things had been different (on maternity leave with my feet up - making cute clothes for my baby). Its like torturing myself - but I can't stop it.

I have to say being pregnant again is helping and I am sure when you fall pregnant again you will start to feel more positive. The anticipation of your meeting next week can't be helping either - but fingers crossed you will get the all-clear.

spilt - I feel exactly the same way as you. I am completely and utterly prepared to lose this baby and can't really see any other outcome at the moment. I am being honest as I know that is a horrible, negative thing to say.
I got a letter through today asking me to phone the maternity ward to book a scan (ironically, today I also got a letter confirming our consultant appointment) and my immediate reaction was to leave it for a few weeks. Normally I would be excited and straight on the phone but I can't even contemplate it at the moment. The fact that I'm not consistently feeling sick yet isn't helping either.

I think all of what you have described is completely normal for someone who has lost a baby - and I am sure that when we get further down the line (maybe when we're feeling movements, get past 20 weeks) our feelings will start to change.

Please don't be hard on yourself for feeling like this xx

Hi spilt and iloveblue. What you've both said makes total sense. Although I'm not there yet, I kind of had the same feelings when I was pregnant before once we'd had the 12 week scan and found out there could be a problem. We tried hard to stay positive but it was always in the back of my mind that something might not be right and it seemed best not to set my hopes too high. And as you say spilt, it all became a series of hurdles - and now I'm very aware that clearing some of those hurdles, even big ones for us like the week of horror waiting for our CVS results and a seemingly good scan at 16 weeks, sadly doesn't guarantee anything. At 16 weeks I did start to let myself believe we would be ok, only to be smashed back down to earth just three weeks later. I've got a very good idea how you must be feeling - and it's something I dread next time for us. You both seem very strong and I know you will get through it.

The lady who did my pelvic ultrasound scan last week was incredibly understanding. She said "you must still get flaskbacks" - the only person who's really said something like that to me. And she's so right.

X