Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Oh leosmummy I am so so sorry. What you say about the effect of losing 2 babies makes total sense. I've always thought that an earlier loss this time would be a lot harder than if it happened in my first pregnancy.

Have you taken anything for the pain? If you're not sure what you can take I'm sure the EPU could advise you over the phone (not sure if aspirin would be safe for example).

I hope you have someone with you as you go through this. I'm just so sorry it is happening to you xx

leosmummy I am so so sorry. Im actually lost for words. Life can be so incredibly cruel. Please know my thoughts are with you, all my love xx

Dear spilt and badger Thank you for your kind words. I have just come back from my lovely GP who held my hand while I had a few tears. She has given me co-codamol for the pain so I have taken those. She has had a miscarriage herself and was incredibly supportive. We are just waiting for the EPU to get back to me regarding a scan to see if the miscarriage is complete or not. I haven't seen anything that could have been the gestational sac yet and really want to avoid another ERPC if possible.

I didn't expect to feel this upset, but I am crying more for Grace I think and the fact that this is so unlucky. Even my GP said it was crap that the miscarriage rate is so high. (I know it is too soon but my DH and I have discussed trying again and we will wait longer this time so I can lose weight and get fitter as I'm 38 and can't keep going forever. He is very worried about me but this always manifests itself in an argument which was not what I needed this morning)

Thank you so much for all of your kind thoughts. I hope you are all doing ok today? I told my husband to go to work and our son is at pre-school so I have a couple of hours to myself to get my head around it all. Unfortunately we have no family nearby who can help (we're in London and they're in Newcastle and Bristol) so we're very much on our own with this. I'll just keep going!

Thank you for listening. It really helps to get the jumble of thoughts and emotions out of my head and onto "paper". Big hugs xx

Just seen your messages, so very sorry that you're having to go through this leosmummy. I too don't really know what to say but wanted you to know I was thinking of you. It sounds like you have a great GP. As you say, this is so unlucky and it is so frightening that the miscarriage rate is higher than I think most people realise.

Look after yourself. Are you able to phone your family who are far away to get a bit more comfort that way?

X

So sorry leosmummy - there are no words. xxx

leosmummy How are you doing? xx

How are you leosmummy? I've been thinking about you. Your GP sounds always sounds so lovely, I am glad you've got decent medical support.

How are the rest of you getting on? Any news from your hospitals ilove and shiningstar?

Badger I hope things are still progressing ok for you. Are you having easier days now Freya's half birthday has passed or has it brought all the feelings right to the front again?

Much love all xx

Hi spilt and badger

Hope you are okay leosmummy - I've been thinking of you too.

I rang consultants secretary yesterday and full PM results are still not back .
The baby was sent to Birmingham Womens Hospital - and they are well-known for taking ages apparently.
She said the results should be there anyday now but the consultant is on leave for two weeks now. So looking like it will be probably be Feb now by the time we get an appointment. The secretary was very sympathetic but it is still annoying.

Anyway, theres nothing I can do about it so will just try and forget about it for a while.

How is everyone else?

Good grief they are taking their time ilove. October to February is ridiculous. I am so sorry you are still in this rubbishy limbo. I found 6 weeks tremendously hard, can't imagine what nearly 5 months must be like. Can you write a strongly worded letter of complaint about the delays, lack of updates, emotional distress etc? PALS might be able to help. I am really quite cross for you!

I think the problem is that everyone I spoke to on the maternity ward said you will be contacted to make an appointment in 6-8 weeks. It even says this in the literature I was given (I have double-checked it so often, I know it word for word!) - and I'm pretty sure (although I wasn't completly with it) the consultant said that too.

The lady I spoke to yesterday said it always takes 12ish weeks and they keep telling the maternity staff, but they still keep misadvising people.

Who are PALS?

Patient Advice and Liason Service or somesuch. here.

I think they have an office at every hospital but if you want to check then you can have a search by location on that website and it gives the phone numbers etc. I spoke to our one to find out how I could get a copy of my maternity notes for example.

Thanks spilt - will look into it.
How are you feeling?

Scared. But relieved to have got to 9 weeks today. My next goal is still to be pregnant by my booking in appointment on Thursday. Little steps. (Not a "goal" in the sense that I can do anything about it, more just that's about as far forward as I can manage to look)

Feeling quite sad today but I'm not sure why specifically.

Sunday always seems to be a sad day I find.
How are you feeling physically?

Hi spilt and ilove

ilove definately speak to PALS as that is a ridiculous amount of time to wait even with the hold ups of Christmas and New Year.
We were told it would take 6-8 weeks too (although this was also a blur) and i was desperate to start trying again.

I ended up have an arguement with my bereavement midwife who tried to put us back to 12 weeks to wait for the results to come in. Amazingly when we went for the meeting most of the results were there . The parts that werent were not expected to show anything different and eventually arrived the next day.
All this was in a large London hospital where the PM took place on site so i can understand them keeping trying to knock ur dates back as urs wasnt done on site but still 5 months is disgusting.

spilt Congratulations on getting to 9 weeks . I understand those little steps oh so well.
Hows your morning sickness going?
Hope you are feeling better today. I really hate those sad days, there is nothing you can do but go with the flow.

Im doing ok, am now 17+1 Starting to panic a bit about my scan in 3 weeks time but keep listening to the baby on my doppler so at least i know there is still a heartbeat.
Im slowing making a list the length of the room with questions about the birth, GBS, and many many other things.
Keep being told by everyone its too early to think about that but i personally need to get it sorted in my head well before the birth happens esp if im going to have to go with a c-section.

Ill stop rambling on now and give your eyes a rest.

Hope your all well and leosmummy i hope you have lots of people looking after you right now x

Wow 17 weeks Badger! That's fantastic. I will be a little puddle of gibbery nerves and tears if I get that far. I completely understand the need to get clear birth plans for your possible situations. I hate being fobbed off and told "we'll discuss that later"... do they not realise that we lie awake fretting about these things from our BFPs onwards?!

Physically I'm ok but not great. I'm sick and tired but not quite as bad as with Bobbie I don't think. More toilet hugging this morning. And much to my disgust my pelvis is on the blink already. Last time I started having problems from about 15 weeks. This time from 8.5. Terrific. It's more achy than painful just now but I'm not expecting it to improve... I am trying to be careful about movement and lifting etc and to not sit still for too long or I seize up a bit and go a bit "clicky".

So, booking in on Thursday. I have booked a private scan for next Tuesday when in theory I will be 10+2 - just can't wait any longer now!

Actually ilove I think you're right about Sundays. Weird that, but looking back I have to agree. She would be 35 weeks on Friday.

Oh no spilt thats rubbish news about the pelvis. Can you get referred to a physio?
I have problems with an old back injury that flairs up but so far its doing ok ~touches wood~
When does your morning sickness usually stop?

Really? Bobbie would be 35 weeks... xx

I'm going to get the physio's name from my MW on Thursday and then I can self refer when I feel I need to. This is what I did last time and within 1 day of submitting the self referral that stated "pregnant with pelvic pain causing disturbed sleep and pain when driving etc" they phoned to offer me an appointment, so excellent service!

Last time morning sickness eased considerably at about 10 weeks I think and was gone by about 13 so not long to go now hopefully. I am very proud to have not yet taken any sick days, so I must be having an easier ride than last time.

Yup she was due on Feb 25th. I'm not sure what we'll do to mark it, but I want to do something. It won't just be her due date, but it'll also be 20 weeks since her birth. She'll have been missing as long as we had her. It feels significant.

leosmummy still thinking of you, come and say hello when you're ready. Much love xx

littlewish not heard from you in a while. I hope you're ok xx

Hi everyone,

Had a long weekend so been away for a bit. Thanks for asking about our hospital news Spilt. I'm resigned to waiting for Feb 15 for our appointment to be honest - buys me a bit more time to get both body and mind sorted, as I know I'll want to start trying as soon as I've seen the consultant but don't think I'm quite ready at the moment. That said, like everyone else, I'm sure they said 6-8 weeks first of all (but 12 wks also mentioned somewhere as well so confusing!).

Had a blood test last Weds to check my hormone levels - can phone for results tomorrow. Still not sure if I had a period or not - I think I may have had one last week but lighter than normal. It seemed similar to the first one I had when I came off the pill last April. Since I got pregnant within a couple of months I never really had the chance to settle back into a normal cycle. Just hope I'm lucky enough to fall pregnant easily again.

Had a bit of a clumsy day today - fell over on way home from work, into a puddle, and then dropped a yoghurt on the kitchen floor that exploded and went everywhere .

I know it can't feel it but it seems to be going quite quickly for you Spilt. I really hope your scans go well. For us, when we get there, the early scans are going to be especially nerve-wracking as that was when we were first told there might be trouble ahead. Like you, I think I'll have to take it a day at a time with little targets to get through. We were kind of doing that this time and it is the only way to ge t through it without cracking up.

Glad you're doing ok Badger. Do you find the doppler helps? I'd been after one before but my husband was worried I'd get obsessed with it and make myself even more worried. I think I might have to overrule him next time, otherwise I'll constantly be hassling the midwives. Is is easy to use?

Hello ilove, littlewish and everybody else.

Really hope everything's gone ok and you're getting lots of TLC now leosmummy

Hi shiningstar My first period after losing Freya was a light one too so you may well be starting to get back into a normal cycle again.
Hope the hormone results come back ok.

As for the doppler its brilliant after 20 weeks as its quite easy to pick up the heartbeat. Before that it can be a bit hit and miss so if you do get one you have to try not to stress if you cant find anything (once you find it, i tend to find my babies dont move much from that space so you have an idea of where to go back to)

I managed to get one from amazon for £20 but my friend has one which costs over £100 and she can pick up the heartbeat from about 9weeks but again can b a bit hit and miss.

I cant live without my doppler, unfortunately it was with mine that i found out Freya had died as i can ALWAYS find my babies heartbeats even if it takes 30/40mins.
Ill be using it more regularly this time but trying not to over do it and drive myself crazy.

Im having a weird time here. My crazy pregnancy dreams seem to be kicking in. The night before last i dreamt i found my own body hanging from the staircase as you can imagine not much sleep was had after that and last night i was a beautiful tiger?!?!
I just want some quality sleep so i can function at the min.

Hope everyone has a good tuesday, im off to my midwife appointment today

Hello everyone, Sorry I disapeared for a while, I've had computer problems , Dh had been upgrading this and that ,god knows what he did but DS1 has put it all right again!

leosmummy I have just caught up with the posts and I am so sad to hear your news. This is very unfair and sad for you. Sending a big hug x

Hope your scan goes well today spilt I feel jittery just thinking about it for you. Glad to hear everything sicky wise isn't too bad.

Shiningstar, ilove, hope things are ok for you both.

badger those dreams sound disturbing, have a better night tonight x

It's been 6 months and 18 days since I found out we lost our baby and I can say that not an hour has gone by that I haven't thought of my little one. This time last year I was a different person with no real idea of what sad felt like and no idea of what upset I had ahead of me. By March the shock of being pregnant because DH's vasectomy of 4 years had failed would be nothing of the shock of losing my totaly accepted and already much loved baby. Our baby we have lost has confirmed our bond and love for each other and today I feel thankful for this. Our baby will always be missing but never forgotten.

Sorry for my ramble, but can't say these things in real life as it's hard to talk outloud.

Lots of hope everyone x

Ah littlewish I'm not being scanned until next Tuesday so you can relax a bit for now

shiningstar my first period was light as well. It was only 3 days of red blood and all light flow (usually I have at least one day of heavy, crampy flow) and then a few random days of spotting. I did some reading that suggested that the post AF spotting is usually as a result of hormone imbalance caused by an inadequate luteal phase the cycle before. Made perfect sense as my luteal phase had only been 7-8 days that time.

Like you, I'm nervous about a doppler because I can just imagine the utter sickness of horror at not being able to find a HB after finding it previously and needing a scan NOW in order to get me out of hysterics. And I would be scared I would have to wait hours/days for a scan.

Badger I'm sorry about your dreams. I have that problem too, dreams become very vivid when pregnant and if not nice ones they are very upsetting. Hugs to you. I hope you can get some less disturbed nights.

I got very upset yesterday. Now we have a date for a scan on Tuesday I feel a bit like it's given us a timeframe within which this pregnancy could be over, rather than just the vagueness. Next Tuesday we will know one way or the other - either it's all over or it's ok right then and we have to just keep hoping and quivering. But thinking about scans I remembered Bobbie's 12 week scan so vividly. It was magic and amazing and we loved it. We came out so elated and clutching a big string of pictures that we looked at over and over again. We copied them onto the computer and emailed them to our parents who went all tearful and excited. DH put one on his ipod as the background (still there ). And to think about how brilliant that was and the happiness it caused, and to realise that we may have the same experience on Tuesday... and yet still it may all come crashing down around us a few weeks later. To go from that high to these lows is just such a sickening thought. I hadn't relived the happier days for a long time and had almost forgotten how good they were. I'm scared of being that happy again knowing how emptily it might turn out.

I really wish we had a picture from Bobbie's 20 week scan. In all the shock and upset we forgot to ask, and it's something I would love to have.

littlewish ramble away, we are all here to listen. What you describe makes so much sense. It is really odd to think back to before all this heartache and try and remember what it felt like to be normal and happy and not carry round this constant wound and ache. It's invisible to most people now because we just carry on functioning, but it's always there, never forgotten. Your baby is part of you and always will be.

Hello ladies - hope you are all okay

Leosmummy still thinking of you xxx

Well, I've been feeling nauseous for the past few days so I though I would pick up some cheap tests (from Poundland).

And, guess what.... I got a faint BFP
I wasn't expecting to get anything really as Af isn't due till Tuesday.

I have never felt sick this early on in a pregnancy before - has always kicked
in at about 6 weeks, but I'm assuming it must be a good sign.

I'm still a bit shocked really, but very pleased and obviously terrified. I'm worrying now about the fact that we havn't seen consultant and there might be something I need to be doing eg. taking aspirin. Will ring then again next week if I still havn't heard from them.

This is all assuming everything goes to plan and line gets darker over the next few days.

Oh my goodness!! Wow!! Congratulations ilove Wonderful news.

I know the terror only too well and just hoping you can enjoy the pleased bits before oscillating back to panic!

I would see your GP straight away and they may be able to sort a referral/check if any results are back (my main bloods came back sooner than the swabs and skin samples). Also they may do the first set of antenatal bloods straight away and at least those results would be back within a week to reassure you about all the infections they screen for - rubella, hepatitis etc.

Massive congratulations and GOOD LUCK! A September baby hopefully?