Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Hi spilt.Yes, I am, except it will be her registrar this time, but she told me it would be and the registrar is fully briefed. I didn't expect to be seen this soon but they are taking no chances. I started my 75mg of aspirin as soon as we found out so that should belp with the high resistance in the uterine artery that I had last time which played a huge part in us losing Grace.

I went through my diary today putting in my pregnancy weeks in pencil and then wondered if I should rub it all out as I am tempting fate too much? I don't know!! Still no more specks and I have e-mailed the midwife counsellors explaining how I am feeling so they will probably be in touch tomorrow.

From my ovulation date my EDD is 31st August but my GP put me at 23rd August. She did agree that my dates would change but said the more scans I get the better. She is brilliant and also had a miscarriage at the same hospital as I did and did a lot of shouting on my behalf when we lost Grace. I feel much more supported. Haven't had a midwife appointment yet but am not worried as most of my care will be from the consultant anyway. How about you? Do you feel you have support? What plans are they putting in place for you?

I know how you feel about being nervous and giving yourself stomach ache. That is exactly what I am doing to myself and every trip to the toilet is a nightmare. What are we going to do with ourselves?!!

Try and relax (if only I could take my own advice!) and thank you for thinking of me. Big hugs xxxxx

Fab that you have such a good GP and the consultant is properly aware of your situation. I've heard a lot of good stories about aspirin helping people have successful pregnancies. Sometimes combined with heparin injections I think, not sure if that's something you might get given?

I've put notes in my calendar for 12, 16, 20, 25 etc weeks pregnant, you are not alone!!

I'm currently being left to cook for a bit. I saw a GP 3 weeks ago who sorted the referral to the consultant. She also said I'd get an early scan, but when I rung the hospital about that they said no the consultant didn't want to see me until 12 weeks. So I have the scan and 1st appointment with him on 3rd Feb. I may end up getting two 12 week scans if they balls up the admin enough - 1 at the community hospital which handles routine/low risk stuff and one at the main city hospital!

I suppose the logic is that the toxoplasma shouldn't pose an issue this time, but if it does they can't give any drugs until the 2nd trimester anyway so all they could do now would be to watch... The consultant did say though when he does antenatal appointments he has the scanners in the room so is happy to give me a quick reassurance scan as part of all appointments, so I think the level of care will step up somewhat after 12 weeks.

Trying to distract myself, but that's hard when all I feel is queasy! I'm really dreading work starting up tomorrow

See you on the August AN thread when you're feeling brave enough x

Hello to everyone else!

Hi everyone,

I've changed my talk name going forward but it's actually ClareZee here.

Have had an ok few days since New Year. Been catching up on visiting people we couldn't see over Christmas as we were both ill. As expected nobody actually mentioned what had happened but they did all ask if we were ok - in a way they wouldn't usually - and got some extra tight hugs from people. I didn't actually feel as upset as I thought I would about people not talking about it - I could tell they cared, they simply had no idea what to say and to be honest, I can?t say I would have if I were in their position. So I just tried to enjoy the company as it was.

I?m trying hard to start the New Year on as positive a note a possible to get myself in the right frame of mind for trying again. Heard from the hospital today that we won?t have our appointment to discuss the post-mortem results until 15 Feb. Longer than I would have liked but apparently it takes 12 weeks for the report to come back to our hospital from London. I suspect it will come around quicker than it seems at the moment. The midwife at the hospital has recommended that in the mean time I get my hormone levels checked by my GP and also perhaps have a physical examination and scan to check that everything has returned to normal ? so can keep things moving by doing this. Have also started taking pre-conception vitamins again. In all honesty, I don?t think I?d be ready to try again until at least early Feb so maybe not a bad thing that we have to wait a bit longer to see the consultant.

Have been reading your posts spilt and leosmummy. I hope you?re both feeling ok today. Hopefully I?ll be in a similar position in the not too distant future but I know I?ll be just as worried about everything. I wasn?t exactly a cool cucumber when I was pregnant this time around. We?ve been lucky enough to be given free private counselling through my husband?s work so I?m hoping I?ll learn some techniques to help me cope with the anxiety. We have an appointment on Thursday :) Hopefully the midwife counsellors will be able to help give you some reassurance leosmummy - and I hope your appointment tomorrow goes well.

X

ilove and littlewish thanks for thinking of me. I feel so much better since the whole Christmas and New Year celebrations are over. Really never expected it to hit me that hard... Bit stupid now i come to think of it.

Leosmummy Congratulations on your pregnancy that is a wonderful christmas present.

I totally understand everything you have just said about the beginning of pregnancy.
Im now 15 weeks and at the beginning i was running to the toilet to check everytime i felt anything that i thought could be the beginning of a miscarriage.

I gave myself stomach ache with the stress of it. In the end i asked my GP to refer me to the EPU for an early scan and they also gave me a reassurance scan 2 weeks later once they found out my history.

Only last week i bought a new diary and started writing in how many weeks i am but just cant write in any further than week 29 (I lost Freya at 31+5).

This pregnancy has been lovely but nerve racking at the same time. Im almost sick with worry before every scan incase im gonna be told the baby has died again. The closer i get to 31 weeks the more i panic.
I wish we could all go back to the days of once you have pasted 12 weeks you think its plain sailing til the birth.

I hope your being looked after well by your consultant and midwives and i wish you all the luck in the world.

spilt Hows your pregnancy going? Any nausea? How far are you now?

shiningstar Good luck on the starting the new year on a positive not, im right there with you. It really annoys me how long it takes to get back the PM results, for those weeks all you can think about is what they are gonna say. I hope you get some answers.

Hope everyone is doing ok
xx

So glad that all the fuss of Christmas is over just like you badger Loads of luck for happiness in 2011 x

Congratulations leosmummy hope you are feeling well, everthing crossed for you. x

Like the new name shiningstar sending you nice positive vibes too x

Hope spilt that you are ok too x

I'm wearing my little angel charm as much as I can so if anyone asks I can say who it represents, and for those who know what it is will see it and remember too. It has really helped me to have something physical to touch and see so it's not just thoughts in my head going around and around.

Your angel charm sounds lovely littlewish and thanks for you positive vibes. We too have an angel charm - we were given two in the SANDS pack we were given at the hospital, one to stay with Petal, our little girl, and the other to keep with us. It's a lovely thing to have. The whole pack was lovely - put together by the local SANDS group to help bereaved parents when they are at the hospital. It also had two little teddies, again one for Petal and one we've kept. Reminds me that we really need to give them a donation as they had clearly had a lot of influence on how the hospital looks after people in our position and that helped make a terrible situation that little bit easier to deal with.

Badger thanks for your best wishes and hope you are feeling ok today. I can imagine how worried you must feel - I just know I'm going to find it so hard next time. Like you say, gone is the illusion that once the first 12 weeks are over there's nothing to fear. Are you getting more frequent scans to help reassure you?

Hope everybody else is doing ok.

X

Morning girls xx

Clare like the new name
We had a SANDS box as well which was really lovely and had little blankets and bears and things that we really appreciated but had been in too much of a fog to be able to get ourselves. Sorry you won't have any results through for another few weeks still. It is baffling how long it takes them. Very hard.

Badger so pleased to hear you've got to 15 weeks and still all ok, but I am completely with you on how frightening it all is. I got a scan appointment letter through for the same hospital, same room, etc as the one we had in October where we were told Bobbie had died. I feel sick thinking about going in there again to find out if this baby is live or not.

Actually the hospitals have generally arsed it all up this time round. For where I live routine scans are usually booked at the little community hospital in Stroud. I got my referral to Gloucester hospital for consultant care and phoned up to give them my details, was told appointment would come in the post the following week. 2 weeks go by, nothing. So I phoned Gloucester again and asked what was happening. The lady looked me up and said "ooh I can see they've booked your dating scan for 3rd Feb at 8.50am. I'll book you in to see your consultant straight after, 9.15". I asked if the scan was Stroud or Gloucester and she said Gloucester, so I said fine, thank you. Now I have had 2 letters - one from Stroud saying "Scan at 8.50am on 3rd feb" and one from Gloucester saying "Dr at 9.15am on 3rd Feb". ... They are about 20 miles apart for a start. Also they have made me an appointment with a Dr somebody when I should be seeing the same consultant again. Grrrr. Tried to phone and sort it out but they only man the phones 9.30-1.30 on Tues to Fri. Frustrated.

8 weeks tomorrow and had another tiny line if blood in CM yesterday. I'm not sure my nerves will stand much more of this!

Work has been hellish this week. I've been really sick and completely exhausted. And also trying to deal with the whole apply for my job nonsense which is immensely stressful. I told the new boss yesterday that I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. I will either lose my job or I will get a job that I think is so badly thought out that it will be incredibly stressful and not enough time to do everything in.

If this baby sticks then I want redundancy please, not interested in keeping a job there, but at this stage I have no idea obviously whether this one is a keeper or not so I have to look like I care at work. Whilst running off to stick my head down their disgusting toilets

Hope you are all ok, apologies for my rant, just very fed up!

Spilt Oh My Good God!! What a complete cock up!! I would be on the phone crying if i have to to get someone to sort that mess out.
People forget how stressful this all is after what we have been through, to them its just another pregnant woman making problems.

As for the scan room is there not another room you could ask to go to? I know exactly how you feel though as our EPU only has two rooms and when we went up for our early scan they walked up to the room i had found out Freya had died and i just froze. I couldnt explain i didnt wanna go in the there or even move to tell you the truth. Thankfully the woman turnt into the room next door and the relief made me wanna burst into tears.

Im at the stage where i can now hear the baby on my doppler so i am trying to control the urge to constantly wear it.

I can completely understand the stress you are going through with work as my mum has just been in the exact same position and decided to opt for redunancy. Its just so stressful and not what you need when you already have enough stress from your pregnancy on your mind. xx

shiningstar I am getting more frequent scans (6,8,12,20,28,32,36 weeks)and im also being seen by the Loss Team as well as my GP and Midwives so i feel very looked after.
At the moment we are in that inbetween stage where they cant really do anything more for me until we hit the 20 week mark so im trying not to worry and just plod through the days til Feb when i have my 20 week scan.
Im already thinking about birth options as i have been told i can decide completely how and when i want to have this baby, if we get this far, so trying to weigh up the pro's and con's of vaginal Vs c-section esp seeing as i tested positive for GBS in my last pregnancy.

Hope everyone is having a nice relaxing weekend xx

Thanks Badger. Sadly at the little Stroud hospital they only have the one scan room so no choice - which is one of the reasons I would like this coming scan to be done at Gloucester. Also because it makes sense logistically as we can see the consultant straight afterwards if we are in the right place and that's easier to sort with mine and DH's work. I will be on the phone on Weds when I am off work and can cry to my heart's content!

With the GBS what precautions would they take if you opted for vaginal? They can do a swab first can't they to check whether it's still there?

Must be lovely to be able to hear your little one's HB. But so nerve wracking every time to go looking for it...

Feeling very low today. Tomorrow will be 3 months since Bobbie was born and it hurts.

I've been sniffing my way through a song posted elsewhere on here . I miss her so much.

Hello lovely ladies,
I have just seen this thread and felt the need to post on it.
My heart goes out to everyone who had suffered the loss of a baby...it is just too devastating for words.
I lost our little girl at nearly 19 wks pregnant just over 2 years ago following IVF. I have since (with the grace of God) had another beautiful little boy who is now nearly 13mnths old. I also have an older son.
Getting pregnant again relatively quickly and having him in a sense helped me to focus oon something else, but losing my second baby still hurts and it still makes me cry...although time does make the extent of the pain more bearable...
Mariaxxx

Hi Maarias thanks for popping by and sharing your story. I'm so sorry you lost your little girl. Did you ever get a reason why?

Like your new name Clare.
We have also been told 12 weeks for our results, and it is 12 weeks next Friday, so I will be straight on the phone to them again if we still havn't heard anything.
I can't understand why it takes some hospitals 6-7 weeks and others double that time to go through the same process. I really do feel in limbo at the moment.

Congratulations on reaching 15 weeks Badger. Not long till 20 weeks - it will fly by!

Spilt sorry you've been having a hard time this week - the work stress can't be helping. I hope you manage to get your appointments sorted. And remember all the sickness and exhaustion is a really good sign. You would probably be worrying more if you didn't have it .
I am thinking of you, DH and little Bobbie today. It will be 3 months for us too soon.

I'm having trouble sleeping at the moment - can't seem to switch my brain off and as a result am really tired. Plus went back to work on Tuesday after relaxing Christmas hols which was a to the system.

I am due to ovulate anytime soon (I think) so looking for signs. I'm not taking temps or using OPK's - trying to be relaxed about it. This is going to be a TMI question so please don't read if you are easily offended but.....

I've read that when you are ovulating your cervix is soft and high - but how can you tell??? Is there a foolproof way of finding it and testing it?

I've just found this website and just had to share it - I've learnt so much from it in the short space of time I've been browsing it. It contains photgraphic images of cervixes (cervii???) at different stages in a cycle, so don't look if you're squemish!

ilove!

Checking your cervix takes a bit of practice and getting used to. You'll need to do it daily for most of your cycle to spot the changes and it will probably take a few cycles to really get it if that makes sense?

Avert eyes if squeamish...
Make sure you always check in the same position. I do it sitting on the loo and use middle finger, other people do one leg in the side of the bath or whatever. In the infertile part of your cycle it should feel firm like the end of your nose. In the fertile bit it will feel softer like your lips and may be wet with cervical fluid. As you say it also gets higher up as ovulation approaches and for some people disappears out of reach. You'll probably only be able to tell it's high by comparing to previous days when it was lower.

As you have had babies vaginally then it will never completely close but it will become more open immediately before ovulation.

Good luck!

Hospital wise our results were back in 6 weeks but we didn't have a full postmortem which probably speeded things up - just bloods, swabs, placenta and a skin sample went off.

spilt Thinking of you, your husband and little Bobbie today xxx

ilove i found that site when i was TTC my son, very interesting but i gave up trying to find mine... The nurse has enough trouble when i have a smear hahaha Good Luck

Maairas Sorry for the loss of your daughter but thanks for sharing your positive story. It gives us all some hope for the future.

Hi all,

I lost my baby in November at 37 weeks.
Reading through this thread helped me.
Losing a baby is so unfair, I feel no woman had to go through this.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

Hi sweetlucy
I'm so sorry for your loss - it was bad enough to go through it at 20 weeks, I cannot imagine how hard it must have been at 37 weeks.

Please feel free to chat with us here - it has helped me immensely and continues to do so.

xxx

lucy I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your little baby. If you'd like to talk about your baby or what happened then we'd love to hear.

Badger thank you for thinking of us. All of your support has been so wonderful and needed over these last months. I don't know how I would have managed without folks to share this with.

Maria thank you for your message too and so sorry that you are yet another person who's been through this. It's shocking how many of us there are. Lovely to hear your little boy has arrived safe and well.

How is everyone?

Leosmummy I hope everything is still ok with you, no more blood or anything? Have the pains settled now?

sweetlucy i am so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby. As the other ladies have said if you want to talk about your baby we will be very happy to listen. This thread has really helped me offload all the feelings i have without being judged or worrying about upsetting people.

ilove how are you? Are you sleeping any better?

Iv got my GTT bloods tomorrow to make sure i dont have gestational diabetes. Our PM showed that the placenta had signs of GD even though me and Freya didnt so we are being extra careful tihs time.

Hi everyone,

Spilt my thoughts were with you and your husband yesterday. Hope you had a peaceful day. We went to church yesterday for the first time since before our loss and it reminded me of a post you'd made previously. I was suddenly quite overwhelmed when they got to the prayers as the last time we'd been there they had prayed for us that everything would be ok. Well, obviously it wasn't and we had the worst scan the week after. It brought it all back and I just felt so, so sad and couldn't stop the tears. Had another cry in the evening too :(

Today I'm trying to keep up with the positive thinking :). It looks like my first period is here after 9 weeks, which is good. I was already due to have a blood test on Weds to check my hormone levels are back to normal so hopefully things are moving in the right direction. My cycle was always a bit on the longer side. Will still have my bloods done.

Had a thoughtful experience at work today, from a man! He'd been told that one of his members of staff is pregnant and they were both anxious that it might make things more difficult for me. He took the effort to speak to me on my own about it but also about how I felt and where we were with things. I really appreciated being able to talk to him about it and not have it brushed under the carpet - he's a dad himself so think that made a difference. He also manages another member of staff who is currently on maternity leave having given birth in October and I'd been worried that she might not have heard what had happened to me and could turn up one day with her baby daughter in tow, which could be awkward for both of us. Apparently she is aware of what's happened and he's said he'll let me know if she's planning a visit so I can be prepared. In general, my experience at work has been very sensitive, although I can tell some people don't like to ask how things are. Little do they realise that it's actually nice to be asked properly, rather than trying to skirt around it like it hasn't happened.

Hope everyone else has had a decent day - sending positive vibes to you all! :)

X

Hello all

Thankyou for thinking of me Badger - I'm still not sleeping well, not sure why as I'm feeling generally quite positive.
When I finally got to sleep last night I dreamt about my cervix !!!
It kind of made me realise that I am getting a bit obsessed about TTC and I am going to try and take a step back.

We also found out yesterday that my brother and his DW are expecting twins! A bit of a shock for all concerned. I am very happy for them and can't wait to have two more nieces or nephews, but I did shed a few tears after I found out.
My DB was concerned about telling me as he didn't want to upset me but I would have been more upset if they hadn't.
I just hated the fact that as soon as he told me I immediately thought of all the things that could go wrong (SIL has health problems) - although I would never ever express my concerns to them, again it comes down to the fact that we have lost out innocence about pregnancy, and that makes me sad.

Glad you're period has arrived star, I felt so much better when mine arrived. Your colleague sounds lovely and very thoughtful.

Hope the blood tests go okay tomorrow Badger - is that the one where you have to drink the sugary drink and sit around for hours?

Hello all, just popping in to say hello to marrias and sweetlucy, so sorry to meet you both here and so very very sorry to hear that you too have lost precious little babies. I hope chatting on here will help a little.

Have a good a day as possible everyone x

To marrias and sweetlucy I am so very sorry for your losses but i am glad you are finding MN a support. The girls are amazing and have helped me so much. I hope you are both doing okay today.

Hi to everyone else, and sorry again that I keep disappearing and reappearing all over the place!

Thank you for thinking of me spilt. Things have been very stressful recently. How are you doing? I was sent for a "reassurance" scan (hardly, I was stressed to bits!) last Thursday and they saw a gestational and yolk sac. They also took blood to measure my bHCG and projesterone. Unfortunately this came back low.....4 weeks since conception and 721 HCG and 15 projesterone. They scared me to death with that and then got me in again on saturday to repeat the bloods. HCG had risen to 761 but it should have been doubling. They brought me back yesterday to have a scan with a consultant and after checking everywhere for signs that could be causing the discomfort I'm having and finding none, he also thought he had found a heartbeat.He checked with the nurse and then showed me, but it was definately there. I was surprised as I am constantly expecting the worst, and he said they wouldn't keep repeating the bloods as it was too stressful and if there was a heartbeat they meant nothing.
Unfortunately, today, after my pregnancy symptoms escalated overnight, I am now having some brown mucousy discharge and some slight period like cramps so am now on high alert again. It is awful and I can't concentrate on anything! It's a waiting game I guess....the doctors don't really know what is going on either so if I make it to the next scan next Tuesday without bleeding then we may know if the pegnancy is progressing or not. I'm just checking my pants every 5 minutes again!

Sorry for the tmi! I'm not feeling great today as you can probably tell, and I'm worried sick every minute. I know I need to try and put it all to the back of my mind but that is so hard to do.

I hope you are all okay and having a good day today? Sorry for the ranting again! Big hugs to you all xxxxx

So sorry you are going through this leosmummy - my heart goes out to you, and I've got fingers (and toes) crossed that everything turns out okay. I have heard brown blood is usually nothing to worry about, so hope that is the case. All this stress can't be helping - lots of hugs xx

Really hope everything works out for you leosmummy, can only begin to imagine how stressful it must be. Look after yourself.
XXX

Thank you so much ilove and star. Unfortunately I am miscarrying as I write. Am bleeding very heavily and it is pretty painful. I have called and left a message at my EPU and will go and see a GP later as I don't want to sit in A and E. I'd rather try and cope on my own if possible.

I don't know how I feel really. At 7 weeks (with the gestational sac measuring smaller) this doen't feel as horrendous as losing Grace did, but I think the cumulative effect of losing two pregnancies one after the other is going to hit me hard. Maybe my body just wasn't ready to do it all again.

I know it is not my fault and I just want it all over with at the moment so thank you all for your good wishes. You really help. Big hugs xxxx