Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Been thinking of you too. Hope you and your Dh are ok.

Evening girls, how are you all?

Anyone else like to raise their hands and say hurrah Christmas is over?! I'm not sure about anyone else but I found it tough. DH and I were doing ok by just muddling through and pretending it was just a normal weekend day with nice meal and a couple of gifts each... but the happy Christmas family phonecalls were hard. The one with my sister reduced me to a sweary tirade and mad tears (not her fault, but she seemed to want to get me to discuss all my feelings and explore whether I felt happy/sad/guilty blah blah blah and I was most pissed off by this so swore a lot, cried and then hung up )

In the morning we went to visit Bobbie and cried for her again. The appalling waste of it all. The baby girl buried next to Bobbie had a little Christmas flower arrangement and a card from her mummy and daddy that said "Happy 2nd Christmas to our darling girl" and a card from her siblings in lovely childish writing to say they loved her.

I was also feeling low and sad because one of my conception thread friends who was 1 day ahead of me started to MC on Christmas eve and had all the clots etc on Christmas morning. I am really sad for her . It's awful at anytime but to MC on Christmas day. Hideous

6+1 today and a nervous wreck. The sickness is getting worse by the day now and I am EXHAUSTED. I am so grateful for this week off work!

Hope you are all ok xx

Hi spilt
Sorry to hear you've had a tough few days. I also found it hard. Had a very nice but hectic few days at in-laws with family, including BIL and SIL who I havn't seen since we lost the baby. Again, I found it very hard that nothing was mentioned. It feels like everyone has forgotten it ever happened - my MIL, bless her, was the only one who asked me how I was, and I feel like I'm desperate to talk to someone about my feelings which are still all over the place at times. Even DH acts like it never happened.

Started AF today as well which made me a little sad, although I was expecting it - was pretty sure we missed the TTC window this month.

Sorry to hear about your friend spilt - awful that she had to go through that on Christmas day.

Can't believe you are 6+1 already - gone so quickly! Are you booked in for an early scan?

ilove I know exactly what you mean. The silence hurts more than any foot in mouth comment. Can you talk to your DH about it all? Will he talk if you start?

I've been surprised in some ways at just how much losing Bobbie has turned my world on it's head. I could never have imagined before what it would be like. As you say, emotions are often all over the place just when you think they are settling. I expected it all to become less raw, and perhaps in some ways it has. But in other ways it's more like the raw bits are just less frequent. Some days/times it hurts just like in the early days - physically almost, and every bit of me is consumed by the pain again. Some days I feel numb. But never do as much as 5 mins pass where I don't think about her. I know without really having to think that I should be 31+5. Bobbie would be about 3-4lb ish. She's always with me.

Would it help to post some of the things going through your head?

Sorry to hear AF arrived too. I do feel like we've earned the right not to have to spend ages ttc and should get a free pass to 12 weeks where we can start all the business of worrying about 2nd trimester loss. I don't feel I have the brain space to fret about the 1st and the 2nd tri, but I'm sure I'll manage to!

I'm expecting a letter from the hospital any day (should have got it last week) to say about appointment/scan. If it doesn't arrive in the morning I will phone - don't want to miss it just because the letter got stuck in the snow or the Christmas post.

6+3. First actual puking this morning and boy was I grateful - killed the nausea for a whole half an hour so I could eat something!

Hi all,

Hope you all had as good a Christmas as possible. Have to say I'm feeling thoroughly fed up at the moment and pretty miserable, though trying not to wallow. We've both got a flu-type thing and hacking coughs. Christmas Eve and Day were ok but Boxing Day was a write off and we haven't yet made it out to see his family and deliver all their presents. Getting cabin feaver now. I started this year with flu and now seem to be finishing it the same way, so all in all feels like a pretty rubbish year. I know, amongst all the bad things, there have been things to be grateful for but right now it's hard not to feel hard done by. All around me the baby-making world seems to be carrying on in full swing - today brings another two announcements on Facebook. I hate the feeling I get - I honestly want to feel nothing but pleased for people - but right now the first thing that comes to mind is "it isn't fair". Two people I know are onto having their fourth babies. At the moment we don't have one.

I'm annoyed for being ill, which I know is ridiculous. I'd got in my head that this break would give me a chance to relax, start to draw a line under all that's happened and get myself ready for a nice new year. Now I feel like I'm being stopped from moving forward. Ever the prefectionist!

On a more positive note - if that's the right way of phrasing it - the funeral last week went as well as it could. The service was as we'd wanted. Feel very grateful that the hospital chaplain took care of all the arrangements for us. We wouldn't have known where to start. He had let us see the order of service before the day but we pretty much kept it exactly as he'd planned as it was just right for us.

Sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant. Hopefully once this awful cold lifts I'll feel more positive again and less stuck.

X

I forgot to say, thank you all for the messages you sent before the funeral - we did see them and it meant a lot to know people were thinking of us.

Hi clare - I'm glad the funeral went as well as it could but sorry you're feeling so ill. It seems everyone I know is/has been ill over the last few weeks - so many bugs going around at this time of the year.

Hooray for puking spilt! I was never actually sick with any of my pregnancies - just felt horribly sick for several weeks.

I am going to try and talk to DH about whats going on in my head - we've havn't been on good terms over the last few days, both stressed and tired after a busy Christmas, but we are staying at home for New Years Eve so might give us a chance to have a glass of wine (or 2/3 as I'm not pregnant!) and have a good chat. He is also umming and aahing about TTC again - keeps changing his mind, which is really not helping me.

I feel like I've gone backwards over the last few days - feeling sad and angry, and can't stop reliving the day it happened.
I also get moments that just take my breath away when I hear something or remember pregnancy/baby related.

I think Christmas has been a distraction over the last few months and now that its over all the feelings are flooding back.

I feel like I was at a certain point in my life (expecting 3rd child) and my life is on hold until I'm back at that point, but then I also feel guilty because I already have two children and should be happy as I am.

Most of all I just want someone in RL to talk about our baby and not just assume that I'm okay.

I'm sorry for spilling all this here - but it does help. Thank-you all for your on-going support, especially spilt

Thanks iloveblue and sorry to hear you feel like you've gone backwards too. I'm lucky in that DH and I are able to talk about it together but I know what you mean in terms of others, even those closest to you, not wanting to. I know my parents care very much about us but they too seem to avoid talking about it any real depth, or even mentioning it directly unless I do. I suspect they fear upsetting me or saying the wrong thing and I suppose we can't really blame them but it's hard and I in turn feel that I have to put on a brave face all the time so as not to worry them. Only DH knows how I really feel.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling life is on hold. I feel that all our plans are now up in the air. I'm a control freak at the best of times and hate the feeling of powerlessness we have over everything at the moment.

I read back my earlier post and really hope I didn't cause any offence with my comment about feeling jealous about women expecting their forth babies when we just want our first. I don't imagine for one minute that the fact that some of you already have children makes what you've been through any easier, nor should you feel guilty and think you should be happy as you are. This is a terrible thing to go through whatever your situation and everybody's situation will be different. In my lighter moments I feel grateful that we got pregnant very quickly once we started trying - I can't imagine how awful it would be if we'd spent years trying and then had this happen. That said, I'm now terrified that we won't be as lucky second time around and it might take longer.

Anyway, I'm going to call the hospital tomorrow and find out when we can expect our follow up appointment - it will be 8 weeks on Friday. Maybe then I'll feel less stuck.

Thanks again to everyone for your support. Hope 2011 is a much better year for us all.

X

ilove everything you say makes complete sense. You are not going mad!

Our vicar chatted to us about grief when we were arranging Bobbie's burial and he said something that stuck in my mind. He said "Don't be surprised if it gets worse. It doesn't mean you are doing badly, or that it will carry on getting worse. Grief isn't a linear process, it can be 2 steps forward and then 1 or even 3 backwards sometimes." He was also the first person to recognise how significant a loss this is. When we first emailed to let him know what had happened he responded with lots of kind words including "Despite a word like 'miscarriage' this is full-scale bereavement for you and you?ll need time and space to come through this."

It's still very early days for all of us, less than 3 months. And you absolutely do not need to feel guilty for grieving when you have your 2 boys already. You've lost a child, and no matter how many you have your baby's life is not expendable. It hurts.

I can very much identify with the feeling of being on hold and wanting to catch up with where you had got to. That sort of feeling was partly why we wanted to ttc straight away. Suddenly I had all this love and a flat stomach and no baby to care for. Not, obviously, that any baby would do and neither are we trying to replace Bobbie, but what we had with her was so worth having that we know we would risk that pain again for the chance of a happy outcome.

After I read your post I talked to my DH about whether he'd had doubts about ttc again, and he said not for himself no. But he was and is very very afraid about what it would do to me to lose this next pregnancy. But he said that whilst he was afraid in that sense of ttc, he is also really worried about what NOT ttc was doing to me. The total lack of hope and lack of any wish to keep going at all. Of course your DH may be thinking about completely different things, but just thought I'd share his thoughts.

Clare please don't worry, I don't think your post will have upset anyone. What you feel is normal - I'm just the same sometimes. Grief can make you feel so horrible. I felt terrible when I heard that my friends had just had a good 20 week scan because all I felt when I heard that was rage. But I wasn't wishing they were in our situation either, I just wanted to be in theirs.

I'm with you on only DH (and mumsnet!) having much insight into how I feel. Sometimes I wonder if the outside world thinks I am a bit heartless for being able to carry on? I do nearly all my falling apart in private now. Sometimes I wonder if they think I'm "fixed" now as people don't mention it. But I still have so much to say, so much I'm feeling and I'm so that no one wants to hear.

And thanks also to all of you for all the listening and support over these last months. I came across this very lovely poem and thought of you lot:

I can tell by your look friend, that we need to talk
So come take my hand and lets go for a walk
See I'm not like some others, I won't shy away
Because I want to hear all that you've got to say

...Your child has died, and you need to be heard
But they don't want to hear a single word
They tell you your child?s with God, so be strong
They say the "right" things that just somehow sound wrong

They're just hurting for you and trying to say
They'd give anything to take your pain away
But they struggle with feelings they can't understand
So forgive them for not offering a steadier hand

I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile
I'll wait while you cry and be glad when you smile
I won't criticise you, or judge you or scorn
I'll just stay by your side till your night turns to morn

Yes the journey is hard, and unbearably long
And I know that you're thinking you're just not that strong
So just take my hand you 'cause I've good time to spare
And I know how it hurts friend, for I have been there

See, I owe a large debt you can help me repay
for not long ago I was helped the same way
And I stumbled and fell through a world so unreal
That believe me when I say I know how you feel

I don't look for praise, or financial gain
I'm not the kind of person who gets joy out of pain
I'm just a strong builder who'll be there till the end
Someone to be your Compassionate Friend.

We'll get there girls. As shabs says over in the Bereavement section: "One foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe!" xx

Hello everyone, Christmas is over, back to work etc. Everything went to plan with dinner pressies etc but I didn't stop thinking of baby for a minute. Nobody mentioned anything to me about baby except Dh.

Dh bought me a beautiful angel charm, he gave it to me once the kids had opened their stuff(v early) I had gone back to bed for half an hour and he gave me the little box. I had a good cry and a hug, its strange but it is the best present I have ever had.

Dreading New Years Eve now. Can't bear to watch the T.V because it will be reviewing everything that has happenened in 2010 and so much of this year I have spent in tears feeling so awful.

Thought about you all over the last few days x

littlewish that is such a lovely gift from your DH.

Hi everyone.
I have had an awful time over Christmas. I dont know what happened but i just fell apart Christmas night and cant seem to get back on top of things again.

I didnt realise just how hard it was gonna hit me not having Freya here. I cant stop bursting into tears, i just feel so sad... I havent cried as much or as hard as i did Christmas night since the day i gave birth to my 4lb angel
xx

I'm sorry you've been feeling so low Badger - its a hard time of year to get through, especially when you're baby girl should have been with you. Have you been able to talk to anyone about how you're feeling?

Clare I really didn't take offence to your post so please don't worry. Did you get anywhere with the hospital yesterday? We are still waiting to hear too - its almost 10 weeks for us. Being in limbo is hard and I'm hoping that seeing the consultant (eventually) will help, although I have a feeling we're not going to get any definite answers.

Thanks for the advice spilt - it absolutely makes sense, your vicar sounds like a lovely gentleman.

Glad your Christmas went to plan littlewish - what a thoughtful gift from your DH. I am with you in dreading New Year's Eve although i am looking forward to seeing the back of 2010.

Lovely poem spilt, thanks for posting it.
Just typed a much longer reply but, not for the first time, hit wrong button on the laptop and lost the lot! Arghhhh! Will have to keep it a bit shorter now (she says!).

iloveblue, yes I did call the hospital yesterday ? the first time I have since everything happened so felt like a big step for me and something I know deep down I?d been putting off. Spoke to the lovely antenatal screening midwife who?d looked after us when we started going through all this and felt much better for doing so. She said we should be hearing things by now and was very understanding about the need to keep thing moving forward. She?s going to chase things/people up and call us on Tuesday ? said Christmas would have affected things as people have had time off. Glad I rang as was able to ask about a few other things that had been starting to bother me ? boobs still behaving a bit strangely and bleeding although almost tailed off still have slight spotting and no sign of a proper period. She was very reassuring and is probably going to arrange for me to have my hormone levels tested as soon as possible in case things aren?t back to normal yet and need a bit of help ? seemed very keen to help keep things moving along for us which really helped. We?ve been very fortunate in the care we?ve had from this particular team of midwives. Will let you know what happens next week. Have you heard anything at all yet iloveblue?

Anyway, will have to log off now. DH and I going out early for a quiet meal tonight at our favourite restaurant. Thinking of you all. Feel very up and down today ? waves of deep sadness followed by little bursts of optimism for the New Year. Like you, I?ll be glad to see the back of 2010 and really hoping that 2011 will be a much kinder year for us all.

X

Got through New Years Eve by watching a silly kids dvd, went to bed before the celebrations started, tried to ignore the fireworks and had a cry thinking about all that had happened in 2010.

I had been on the verge of tears all day and found it harder to deal with than Christmas Day. Usually we have family round for drinks and a take away or go over to vist others but I was good to myself and for once said NO to any form of celebrations where I would spend all evening dabbing tears in the bathroom putting on a brave face while all the time thinking of our sad year and the pain myself and DH have been through.

Feeling better today that I was strong enough not to carry on last night as if nothing had happened last year, it made others remember too that I'm not quite ok about it all and certainly not over it.

Hope you are feeling well and not too sick spilt Thanks again for all your nice long posts, every word you write helps us all.

Wishing you well clare for happiness in 2011

Hope today is a better day ilove Some days are harder and we feel so sad, I understand.

Feel sad for you badger Be kind to yourself x

Have complained to BBC about crappy Eastenders tonight too. Don't watch it much but certainly will make an effort to switch it off in future.

Happy New Year to everyone - I hope 2011 brings us only happiness.

I did similar to you last night littlewish and went to bed at 11pm. Had a nice chat with DH though who has agreed that we are definitely TTC and he has promised me that he won't change his mind again. That in itself has lifted a weight from my shoulders and I'm feeling much happier today.

I'm glad to hear you got through to someone supportive at the hospital Clare.
We havn't heard anything at all. I rang consultants secretary a few weeks ago who told me the preliminary PM results were there but they were waiting for the full results - which could be another 4 weeks, so I'm not expecting anything now till mid Jan.

Thank you littlewish, I do a lot of waffling I know but it's very nice to know it helps you to read it! And well done for looking after yourself last night and not forcing yourself to join the merriment when it's not what you want.

ilove so glad you and DH have got a decision on the ttc. I hope that will give you something to aim for and hope for again in the midst of all the sadness.

I had a bloody horrible and realistic dream last night about finding I had streaks of blood when I wiped. Then I woke up not feeling sick for once so was really upset and worried about miscarrying. Sickness reappeared within about 2 hours though and there is No Blood so I have calmed down. Feel lousy though but it's comforting.

Glad you liked the poem Clare I have lots more I've saved over the previous months. It helps me a lot to read them. It sounds like your hospital midwife is lovely and very helpful. I hope you get the results you need very soon.

I bought Bobbie a beautiful book the other day so that I can write things to her and write in some of the poems I've read and that mean a lot to me. The book sold itself to me because inside the front cover it has this quote: "The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears." Somehow that just seemed fitting. The cover has a picture of a woman's face with golden sparkly tears running down her cheek.

And today I've finally got round to doing something I wanted to do for ages. I've written out on pretty coloured card one of my favourite little poems and then traced Bobbie's hand and footprints on around the poems. It's now in a silver frame in the living room, pride of place on the dresser. Everyone can see her gorgeous little prints and how perfect they are. I am dead proud
And this is the verse I wrote out:

We thought of you with love today but that is nothing new
We thought about you yesterday and days before that too
We think of you in silence, we often speak your name
Now all we have are memories and your picture in a frame
Your memory is our keepsake with which we'll never part
God has you in His keeping
We have you in our heart.

What a lovely thing to do split - how did you trace Bobbie's hand/foot prints?

I got some greaseproof paper and a sharp pencil and traced the prints onto the greaseproof paper. Put the originals away. Then turned the greaseproof paper over and drew round the prints outlines on the back as well. Then turned the paper back the right way and laid it on the card and again pencilled over the outlines. That transferred them lightly to the card and then I could shade them in.

Bit hard to explain actually but very easy!

Hi everyone. I hope you are all feeling ok today and I wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you all over Christmas and the New Year. So sorry not to have been in touch for a while but you're all in my thoughts.

Would you mind if I just rambled a bit? I don't want to upset anyone but you have all been so supportive in the past and I need to vent my spleen if that's okay?

We lost Grace at 14 weeks in September. I am worried that I have buried things and my family are very much the "get on with it" types. I had to buy some clothes for my Goddaughter's Christmas present and lost the plot in Mothercare just before Christmas, and my Mum refused to even let me mention it saying "oh yes, it's awful isn't it" twice, but not listening to me or allowing me to explain how I was feeling. My husband and I still cry about losing Grace but I feel I am marching on with life and that I am "expected" to be over it by now. Or maybe that is the expectation I have of myself. I don't know.

We got the all clear to ttc again on 22nd November and miraculously, I found out I was pregnant again on Christmas day. We were very shocked but absolutely delighted. I let my counsultant know and the counsellors at the hospital, and I have an ante-natal appointment on Wednesday. I will be 6 weeks exactly then. Up until now, I have been calm and collected about this pregnancy, feeling positive and optimistic. But...yesterday I had a lot of period like pain all day. Not painful, just annoying and "gnawing" and I started to panic. Last night there was a tiny (and really tiny) streak of blood in my cm (which is still slippery and white, sorry if this is tmi. It was the thickness of a piece of cotton and about a centimetre long when I wiped 3 times.) I am so sorry if this is way too much information for you all, and so sorry if it is upsetting or offensive too. I am now convinced I am going to lose this little one too. I am uncomfortable today...aware of my uterus, but am still queasy and have sore boobs and a bloated stomach.

I have had no other "bleeding" all through the night or this morning but I am snappy and worried and totally irrational about the whole thing, especially after losing Grace. I know there is nothing I can do if this pregnancy is destined to be lost but to all of you who are pregnant again after losing your dear babies, how do you deal with the worry and stress? I am so aware of the discomfort now that I am wondering if I am making it all worse by stressing and worrying so much. What would you do?

I hope you all have a good day today, and thank you for listening. I'm sending you all big hugs xxxxxx

Hi leosmummy
Lovely to hear from you - and congratulations on your pregnancy, I'm so pleased for you.
Regarding the pain and the bleeding - from what I know it seems to be quite common to have period type pain and spotting at this stage in pregnancy. Is there any chance of getting in to your local EPU today if you ring up and explain the situation? Just to put your mind at rest. And if thats not possible just giving them a ring to see what they say.
I can imagine how worrying it must be - we're not there yet, but I'm sure I will be just as worried as you.

I completly get what you say about people expecting you to be over it - I feel exactly the same. I found it very hard over Christmas seeing family and nobody mentioning it at all.

I hope you have a better day today xxx

leo lovely to hear from you again and please don't ever feel you have to apologise for long posts or tmi - it's never tmi on MN!

Firstly massive congratulations on your pregnancy, what a wonderful Christmas present that must have been

A week or two ago I could have written your post almost word for word with the CM description and the dragging pains and the tiniest speck of blood. So far I still appear to be pregnant. It is utterly terrifying though. I never saw even a dot of red in the last pregnancy so when it happened twice in one week this time I was terrified. But at the early stage you are at it if you are just seeing a tiny streak and it's not getting worse then I would expect it is implantation blood. That can take a few days/couple of weeks to work it's way out. Also in pregnancy your cervix becomes more sensitive so it's quite possible that that is a bit irritated say from sex and has bled a fraction. The fact that you are producing lots of clear CM I would take to be a very good sign as it shows that there is a continual flow coming down and it is nearly all clear and non blood like.

As far as the period pain goes all I can tell you is that I get exactly the same from about 9 days past ovulation until 6-7 weeks. It's intermittent but definitely feels periody. It was worst at about 4 weeks (worse than normal PMS is for me) and anyone I've spoken to has said it will be the uterus lining thickening up, the egg implanting, the uterus starting to stretch a bit, ligaments stretching and general pelvic area things starting to rearrange themselves a bit. It is not a sign of anything being wrong. But it is damn scary and combining that with constant wet pants due to copious CM I am running to the loo with a racing heart about 6 times a day to check things are ok!

Emotionally it's very hard being pregnant again, but also good if that makes sense? I am pleased and hopeful but so much more scared. I now know that a good 12 week scan is no guarantee anymore. Since losing Bobbie I've met so many women who have lost babies late (one whose DD was stillborn in October at 41 weeks ) and it makes me realise that this is a frankly dangerous business. I won't relax until I have a screaming child in my arms, I won't believe it's really happening until then. I suppose I'm muddling through by being mentally still utterly stuck in my last pregnancy. Bobs is 32+3 today and would be about 4lbs. I'm still completely grieving for her and trying to find ways to remember her, like framing her hand/foot prints and writing to her. This is all just what I want to do instinctively but I think it's also protecting me a little from the new pregnancy. I was a bit stunned to be 7 weeks yesterday, it seemed to have happened quickly.

Tell your MW how worried you are and if you need extra checks/bloods etc to reassure you they should be fine to do this.

I'm sorry your mum is brushing Grace under the carpet a bit, but know that your little daughter mattered whatever anyone else's opinion. If you want to talk about her or put up something in your living room that commemorates her then you should do so. I've been doing just that because I don't want anybody to think that Bobbie didn't count. She's my first baby and this next one will be my second, not my first child.

Love to you x

Thank you so much for your messages ilove and spilt. You are truly wonderful and your support and advice invaluable. I'm so glad your husband has decided to ttc again ilove and congratulations on your pregnancy spilt!!!! We are at much the same stage I think? My LMP dates put me at just over 7 weeks but I know I ovulated late so my dates are a week or so earlier than that.

I have tried to calm down after reading your messages, although the wet knicker thing is very much a reality for me too spilt. Some days it is heavier than others but I'm afraid that after panicking yesterday, I have made myself a little sore by contstantly wiping and checking inside (now that really is tmi!!!)I am still feeling tender today but not like yesterday and there is no sign of any more specks of blood, but I agree spilt that this is very hard. I thought I was okay but I am jumping at every twinge. My back is very sore (but I have a spinal injury and desperately need an osteopath treatment) and I keep imagining all sorts of things. It doesn't help that some pregnancy symptoms are the same as early miscarriage symptoms so I just wish I could go to bed and wake up in a couple of days time with a clear head!! Our lovely 3 year old is being a nightmare at the moment, is very clingy and will not leave me alone for a second (and bounces all over me if I so much as sit down) and is up 6 or 7 times every night, as he has been for months now, so I am wrecked, physically and emotionally. My husband has had hardly any time off over Christmas and is full of cold and VERY grumpy so it has been arguments all of the way this Christmas and New Year. Oh the joys!!!

So sorry for ranting. This is an emotional time for all of us, and it is difficult if you have to see relatives when you'd really rather not. We had my parents to stay again this Christmas when really we wanted to be on our own to gather our thoughts and plan for the year ahead, so that made my husband even more grumpy! Well done to those of you who stuck to your guns and had time on your own!

Thank you so much for listening. I feel that the joy of this pregnancy is being overshadowed by the worrying which I didn't expect it to be when I think with my rational head! I am just about to e-mail the hospital so I may get to speak to someone tomorrow with luck. Big hugs to you all and thanks again for listening xxxxx

I remember one day I was so nervous and physically tense after seeing a dot of blood (honestly pinprick like so miniscule) that I gave myself a stomach ache. Course then I thought my stomach ache was a sign of worse

EDD 21st August, have you worked out yours? (I do mine from my ovulation date, as my LMP isn't much help due to short and non standard cycles)

Good luck with the hospital. Are you going to be seeing the nice consultant lady you spoke to a few weeks ago?