I kind of feel like I'm dead

[MentholLoad]

I really really hope you can tell me that this passes

I have no energy, everything hurts yadda yadda. but I don't enjoy ANYTHING. I don't want to do anything at all. I don't want to work, I don't want to clean the house. I don't even want to spend time with friends. I don't feel like I have anything to say about anything. I just want it to be quiet. I long for retirement but I don't know what I want to do. I don't know if I want to move house or if I am happy were I am. I have no interest in travelling or going on holidays or anything. I think I could become reclusive. but it frightens me

Thanks Monty

Before I've even applied for it I've talked myself out of it:

I will have massive imposter syndrome
I will have a big and embarassing panic attack
I won't get on with anyone (I do have friends but I don't trust humans in general)
I actually won't be able to do the work - in spite of working in something related previously which is why I think I would get an interview - but there are aspects I've never done before.
I will be bored
The perimenopause has created brain fog. Will my head be clear enough?
Will I work fast enough?
It is not good enough - programming from my childhood
I'm not good enough and will let people down - ditto above
It is not purposeful enough.
I will be embarrassed at not getting the job and feel huge rejection (I likely suffer with rejection issues more than the average person)
and so on and so on.

This is how I think. This is what trauma has left me with. Before I even start.

Ask your GP to check your iron and b12 levels

Daily exercise is a game changer for me. Even just walking for an hour first thing (while listening to music radio or a comedy) makes me feel less blugh the rest of the day.

Sorry, didn't mean to de-rail your post op. I was thinking about starting my own thread about this, so don't be surprised if you see some of this copied and pasted somewhere.

OP and Naturerhymes I think when the hormones recede, a lot of what we were struggling with comes to the fore. Someone recommended this book on trauma by Lucinda Gordon Lennox to me so I'm working my way through it amzn.eu/d/iWWgUWX

It's almost like a crisis of confidence along with health anxiety. Thing is - we only gain confidence by pushing ourselves to do things.

@MentholLoad i am so glad I found your thread! I feel EXACTLY the same including your post about belonging. I am 50. I woke up this morning and immediately felt almost sad to wake up! Definitely not feeling right and definitely my hormones!

Just like I predicted my awful bleak mood just disappeared into thin air on Wednesday lunchtime. Exactly 14 days after it arrived. I'm back to feeling happy, loving and optimistic. Until the next f*cking time which will most likely be in 14 days. How can I go on like this, losing half of my life because that's what it feels like.

I've read a lot about the close link between your gut biome and serotonin levels in your brain. So I've really upped my game and started a strict regime of Kefir and Yakult every day and cutting right down on sugar.

yeah, I've been taking probiotics as well. still feel like the undead 100% of the time

Yes I'm not very hopeful. When the Doom descends there's really nothing that helps. It's like I'm injected with the Doom and Depression and that's it.

Gosh - reading this thread is so reassuring. I think I'm the only one feels like a miserable failure every day who can't face people - and others are sharing the same fears. What a relief.

This is how I feel. I think I've aged about 30 years. There are people in their late 60's/70's who seem to be more energised than me.

I am going to try a low dose anti-depressant again. Mornings are the worse time for me. This morning I just sat in the garden feeling really emotional, thinking how short life is, rumenating over my life, wondering if I'll have any regrets, asking myself what is important/anything else I want to achieve. Dreading the darker nights/darker days.

@Naturerhymes yes this is me!
Analysing my life to date.
Things I need to achieve..
Poor life choices..
Pensions...
What needs doing in the house..

DD is off to uni in 3 weeks. She is feeling quite mixed about her next pathway, whilst I'm busy chucking stuff out her room and giving it a good old makeover!

🥺

What age are you @Bookist ? I felt exactly like this during perimenopause. Had a good half of the month, killing dead things, full of zing, then bang, like someone had popped a balloon.

And have you managed to answer any of those questions sortmylifeout?

Unlike you, I am dreading dd leaving for uni (not this year).

I would love to half a good month currently but sorry you are feeling this way Bookist

Hi all. Sorry to read that how I was feeling last year is happening to you. I had to take time from work to straighten my head out and give the HRT chance to make a difference.
I'm 52 now, realised I'd passed menopause whilst on progesterone only pill, masked many symptoms as no periods. They just didn't come back. My hormones were suddenly gone and I didn't know myself. Couple that with a wide range of family issues and a (stressful job with stressed manager. I felt overwhelmed and frankly like my life was a disaster.
6 months on from my return to work, manager has taken on a temp (hope they become permanent), I've been on hrt including estradiol (game changer for vaginal issues) for 12 months and I've given my head some serious wobbles. I also had some counselling for the family issues. I take a selection of multi cuts, flax seed oil and have cut right down on alcohol and caffeine.
To sum up, I realised I wasn't depressed, I was stressed, overwhelmed, anxious and quite frankly languishing in it all. Still have bad days, life isn't easy at 52, but accepting things for what they are and taking one day at a time really helps. I also highly recommend zumba, there's a chair version if you have mobility issues - that class lifts my mood every single week. Hope sharing my experience helps someone x

Multi vits not cuts!

I feel the same OP, also can't have HRT due to blood clots.

Gonna have to ride this out, could be a long few years

I am definitely relating to a lot of what has been said on these threads. I am 51 and have been on HRT for a couple of years. I find it very hard to motivate myself to do anything, no enthusiasm. It's up and down, at the moment i'm going through a really bad phase, I know it'll be better in a couple of weeks but getting through it is tough.

@Naturerhymes I'm working through all my life issues.

Actually I did not say I was looking forward to DD going to Uni at all! Clearing things out, seems to be a coping mechanism.

I actually feel I like was when I was pregnant. A heightened sense of smell, anxiety and de cluttering like mad. Preparing for empty nest syndrome maybe ?

To sum up, I realised I wasn't depressed, I was stressed, overwhelmed, anxious and quite frankly languishing in it all
Thank you @WorkingNanna you’ve articulated exactly how I’m feeling!
Trying to get out of my head that HRT is not a magic bullet & work through all the small issues that are building up

I'm 52. But my peri menopause started exactly 10 years ago.

Sorry to hear it, I just have to keep working at things and remind myself to put myself and my hubby first sometimes. Also if it starts to build up step back and make adjustments. 100% a daily test. I've decided whatever years we have ahead won't be like the last 52 but we can make the most of what we have and enjoy our memories.

Sorry sortmylifeout I mis-interpreted your post.

I feel really unhinged at the moment. Like I'm totally and utterly lost. Last dc started school a year or two ago and I have been a sahm for so long always with a dc to focus on. I don't know what I thought I was going to do when this time came. Maybe I thought I was going to step back into a job. But the perimenopause has been the final blow to my anxiety/trauma related issues. I am nearly 50 and can't be bothered with the hassle of working yet want structure (that's if I could even find a job in the first place but fortunately don't need the income). DH was talking about a women who has a good job/career today (older than me and coping) and then someone and I expressed regrets and not finding my thing and DH said the trite thing 'well it's never too late' and I just flipped comparing myself and feeling like a failure and thinking you honestly don't know how crap I feel.

I don't know whether it's all coming home to me - the fact I am getting older, might never have meaningful work or any work. Just feel on the rack. Trying to sort out some voluntary work and going around in circles.

More negative thinking about society - the state of the NHS, how I'm sceptical of the education system, how transactional life is, how younger women are not respected and how older women aren't respected (most often) what sort of future my dc are going to have and I've honestly ended up feeling depressed. Like the blinkers have come off. Nothing feels right apart from my lovely dc. Can't explain it somehow. Just want to relocate with my dc my 2 or 3 friends and a sibling and our pets to the coast and live in some sort of bubble.

I've requested some anti-depressants and awaiting yet more therapy. Feels like I've nothing to look forward to but on the surface of things have loads to be grateful for. I feel tearfully moved by the beauty of nature. Thinking how life is short and sort of panicking especially feeling so crap and not making the most of it. Not sure I'm explaining myself too well. Could do with a really good laugh right now with a great group of females.

On max 100 mg for patches. Been on them a week or two and they don't seem to have kicked in yet. Started spotting.

Sorry for the rambling post. Just needed to vent.

Yep pretty much exactly the same.

Currently feel like I’m just waiting for life to be over - which would at least be an escape.

@Naturerhymes It's okay.. 🌺
I feel rubbishy too. To be honest, much of what you say resonates with me too. I think you get to a certain point in life, after you've spent so much time caring for others and think " now what?" That's how I feel anyway. Massively underachieved over the last 10 years ( 52 now) and keep wondering how to get back on track!

The comment from your husband must have hurt a bit? It sounds as though things are tough for you right now, trying to find a way forward now the DC are at school etc.

Have you just increased your patch dose ? If so, that could be the cause of the spotting?

I hear you re: the state of the NHS. I desperately want( and probably need )a hysterectomy, but it just isn't going to happen anytime soon it seems.

Everything is such an effort with the health system. You end up having to take stock of things yourself much of the time.

Anyway, I hope you feel brighter soon.
🌷

I understand why posters are saying they feel cynical about everything. Part of it for me is that universities and the left-leaning parties have fallen to ideologues and some outright lunatics. There doesn't seem a sane alternative any more. The Roisin Murphy nonsense has really sickened me in recent days. Middle aged women are becoming politically as well as socially invisible.