I kind of feel like I'm dead

[MentholLoad]

I really really hope you can tell me that this passes

I have no energy, everything hurts yadda yadda. but I don't enjoy ANYTHING. I don't want to do anything at all. I don't want to work, I don't want to clean the house. I don't even want to spend time with friends. I don't feel like I have anything to say about anything. I just want it to be quiet. I long for retirement but I don't know what I want to do. I don't know if I want to move house or if I am happy were I am. I have no interest in travelling or going on holidays or anything. I think I could become reclusive. but it frightens me

@Writingonthewalls I can’t seem to copy and paste your last post but it is exactly how I feel. Hope you feel better soon.

If anyone has found their way out of this please post some tips. I’ve just eaten a whole Toblerone. I feel utterly and completely depressed and unmotivated, hopeless about everything. Any commitments I make to change last about ten minutes as I feel so low.

This made me smile. I can so relate to this.

The Winter approaching feels like the final straw, I agree. I have dc to take to school otherwise I think I would want to stay in bed and I worry that I don't want to get out.

I keep thinking why can’t I be like him? He’s just a happy go lucky accept things at face value, don’t think too deeply person. I am completely the opposite. I spend all my time thinking about the past, analysing everything, feeling like I’ve screwed up my whole life.

And also this. It feels like I've been sleepwalking through life thanks to the trauma I experienced as a child. I think I've just made a series of decisions based on this. Fortunately, whilst not ideal, it could have been a lot worse - I need to keep reminding myself of this.

@MentholLoad how are Gloucester services?? 😆😆😆😆

The feeling of screwing up my life somewhat resonates. As DD heads off to uni tomorrow, I'm thinking, shit what have done with my life? 🙈

It makes such a massive difference to know there are others who feel like this. Reaching out to all of you.

Sortmylifeout

My heart goes out to you. I am dreading this scenario of dd heading off to uni.

It also reminds me of when I was a student with high hopes of the future. Fast forward it never came to much because of my emotional issues relating to childhood and I landed in admin jobs throughout. I regret the type of degree I took (with no real skill set) and I took it because I didn't really know myself or what I wanted to do (and still wouldn't be able to answer that question if asked). I was fed the message do well and you will earn well = have a good life. I went back to look at the uni I attended with dd and it seemed so different. It was a different life and went by so fast.

I wish I knew what the answer is here. The analogy with a rollercoaster is spot on. I can see myself just fading into oblivion if I don’t do something so this is what I am going to try:

• intermittent fasting 18:6 (16:8 does f all for weight loss for me)
• gym twice a week
• read a book (new Robert Galbraith out Tues)
• finish a jumper I started knitting last year
• get out for a walk each day
• stop ignoring friends when they text and actually go out
• go back to GP re my HRT. I am top of dose but only 40 and I need more

It is debilitating awful, and lonely.

I have managed to get a GPs appointment on Wednesday to discuss HRT as it's really not doing it for me any more. I think the patches are knocking the edge off the symptoms in that I am having one or two hot flushes an evening rather than 10 or 20, and the awful anxiety/insomnia dip is happening once every 6 months rather than every month. But I have dry eyes, dry vagina, hair falling out, lack of motivation, no interest in anything and especially no interest in sex, etc etc. I am thinking about asking for testosterone after a chat with a similarly afflicted friend this week but on the other hand I can't face the battle with the GP about it.

It's been almost 5 years since I first saw the GP with what I thought was depression and which looking back was menopause. I am so done with this now.

I’m 47. Wandered onto the board here looking for some advice and solace as I think I’m in the throes of peri, and have been for a while.
Over the past few weeks I have felt intensely depressed, for no good reason.
Actually that’s not true; I’ve had serious marriage struggles, issues at work and have a chronic health condition to manage BUT normal-for-me is I cope anyway and enjoy life. But something has changed in me. I just feel empty, yet full of tears.
I have two teen DCs, one of whom is starting Uni and I’m in that pre-empty nest horror season of dreading them leaving but also so proud and, frankly, needing the time back for myself right now.
Marriage troubles have settled but it has been months and months of arguments, silence and I’ve been inches away from initiating separation (which I literally only told him last week and suddenly peace broke out - I think he got a fright).
But I’m gaslighting myself these days!! What is hormonal and what is real??
My DH can be challenging (he has undiagnosed Asperger’s) but he’s not a bad man and when I’m nice to him he’s nice to me…. But I’ve not been nice or easy to live with so he kicks off as well and we get entangled in miscommunication and foul moods. And there’s no actual foundation to why we’re fighting! It’s craziness and when I step back and feel moments of clarity (rare these days) I can’t help but think a large portion of my trouble with DH is ME. I am not myself anymore. I feel angry and ragey and disappointed and sulky and neglected and dependent…. all the bad stuff I used to get for a few days before my period has now moved in permanently it seems.
I feel like life has faded to black and white and nothing can reach me, yet I can cry anytime, anywhere at the drop of a hat.
I feel invisible and unattractive (in every way). I want all the noise to go away. I can’t wait to get to bed and I’m going up earlier and earlier just to end the day and be alone.
I go out like a light thankfully.
I wake up exhausted and do it all again.
I have an appointment pending with GP to talk about HRT but I’m only at the start of my research journey but I feel so strange, sad, flat, grey, invisible, sore, lost, vacant, confused and hopeless… I resonate with many of these posts and am pinning hope that HRT might be right for me and help get ‘me’ back.
I am a generally content and joyful person, with a love of nature and music and people - but in the past year I feel like I’m slowly fading away. I could care less about everything, even my friends.
I am on autopilot and going through motions. It’s the only way to describe it.
What drove me to make an appointment and get GP advice is I’ve found myself now making life decisions based on how I feel.. and that scares me as something in me (and reading these boards) is whispering “it’s not real…. this is not really you…”. e.g. almost separating from my DH for reasons I can’t even put ny finger on, I’m on the brink of dropping out of a course I was loving which has become yet another burden I can’t face, I am avoiding or pretending I’m fine with most of my friends and avoiding all socialising, making errors at work in a job I’m more than capable of…. This is now not something I can contain. It’s spilling over into my life. It’s taking over.
No hot flushes but periods wonky (sometimes light but go on for two weeks, sometimes missed, sometimes heavy and out of schedule!). And I mix up my words all the time… is that peri??? I think fork but SAY spoon. I think Tuesday but say Saturday. Literally as soon as the word leaves my mouth I have to correct myself. It makes me feel stupid and embarrassed- especially at work.
Please tell me life as I knew it isn’t over.

Exactly this. @EstrogenPatches. HRT just feels like a dampener on the symptoms, nothing more.

My GP doesn't even believe in supplementary oestrogen, never mind testosterone.

It is available in the female formula via the Online Clinic without too much bother, though they write to your GP to advise them. I tried it for three months but couldn't really afford it at £120 a tube. I think you have to take it for six months to see an improvement.

My GP when I went into menopause really pushed me to take HRT. She was on it herself and was a real advocate, but I was determined not to take it as the pill had horrendous long term effects on me and I am very sensitive to hormones. I see now I was wrong. Basically ever since menopause I have lost myself and struggled. I have had a lot of very difficult life challenges in that time which hasn't helped. I feel like a shadow of my former self, but I see that lack of oestrogen has played a bigger part than I thought.

My GP doesn't even believe in supplementary oestrogen, never mind testosterone.

It's outrageous, isn't it. So many of us have horror stories. Mine is that I was a woman in her late 40s, three years post-hysterectomy, no history of reporting mental health worries, who attended the GP twice in six months with "depression" and had three UTIs in the same period, and neither of the two (middle aged, female) GPs I saw joined the dots and suggested menopause. Just whipped out the pad and prescribed Prozac. And when I did finally join the dots myself and asked for HRT, the first GP refused and prescribed folic acid.

It's often such a battle and the last thing you want when you are feeling like shite, crying, not sleeping and confidence on the floor is a fight with the one person who should understand and help.

How on earth can someone with a medical degree not believe in estrogen replacement?

I think GPs are given very little training on menopause . Those that are knowledgeable are often women who have been through it themselves or have a specialist interest. I had years of using Canesten constantly, and I mean constantly, because I thought vaginal dryness was thrush. I was getting UTIs constantly. The doctor never once mentioned menopause. Eventually a GP who was about to retire (woman) got angry and aggressive with me and said dismissively 'it's menopause' as if I was an idiot. I felt so shamed. I knew nothing about menopause at all . She prescribed vagifem but I didn't explain why, so I didn't use it. It was only some time later that another GP explained more and I began to educate myself. I literally knew nothing about menopause. My mother minimised it and said all the women in the family 'sailed through it' . Looking back, I can see all the mood swings and rages she had around that time were probably hormonal.

The GP who eventually prescribed me HRT (this was during lockdown and the telephone-only appts - actually bloody better than the nightmare we have now) was a young male doctor, so not always the case that only middle-aged female GPs are sympathetic. One of the GPs I spoke to prior to that recommended I take black cohosh, which isn't even a regulated medicine- it can cause liver problems in some people. But yes, a complete failure to join the dots, they seem to be determined to diagnose everything but menopause, it seems to me.

No, my worst experiences were with a very young male and two middle aged women. Finally got sense from a 40ish male doctor who actually listened, and was happy to give me what I was asking for.

@Naturerhymes Please, please take magnesium the minute your heart starts racing. It calms it down really quickly. All my friend

@Beaucielblues which magnesium do you take?

@Sortmylifeout52 nutriVolv magnesium cheap on eBay. £6.99. All my friends now doing it and agree that it works. I take about 4 or 5 to calm the flutters. 500mg. Hope it helps.

@Questions99 I wish I had started on HRT sooner. If you are going to have that conversation with your GP, have a think and research about what you would like to take. Transdermal are considered the "safest", gel/patches.

Probably worth getting a GP blood test profile and your Thyroid hormones checked too. I hope you feel better.

Thanks for the magnesium advice.

Questions99

But I’m gaslighting myself these days!! What is hormonal and what is real??
My DH can be challenging (he has undiagnosed Asperger’s) but he’s not a bad man and when I’m nice to him he’s nice to me…. But I’ve not been nice or easy to live with so he kicks off as well and we get entangled in miscommunication and foul moods.

I have this going on. I also feel invisible. I want to be noticed. I think it is made worse by the fact that I wasn't noticed as a child, then felt wanted and noticed for a while by dh in particular but now don't feel particularly noticed...although dh's way of showing love is by doing acts of service. My dcs are slightly younger than yours and I would say my relationship has worked well whilst dc are in the picture. But I feel differently now as they are getting older, like I'm needing something different/I've changed but also believe it may be hormonal and there is no way I'm going to rock the boat let alone capsize it. I also get the thinking something and saying something different and do this and I all I keep saying in my defence is that 'I used to be really sharp.'

I'm trialing different HRT - gel alone wasn't absorbing enough. A lone patch (max strength) also doesn't seem to the doing the trick. Whilst HRT helps a lot of women, it hasn't been a quick fix for me unfortunately.

@Questions99 I can relate to everything you've said, from the relationship troubles to getting words muddled. I don’t think HRT is a magic wand but it definitely helps.

Its easier to take one table of 500MG magnesium. You should take it at night. Thats what I do.

On the surface I have what looks like a comfortable and 'nice' life. The problem is none of it feels meaningful. Racked with anxiety, I need to do something with my time be it work or volunteer with something more meaningful. Thanks to hormones I feel like I've lost my get up and go and energy to go after anything so just bob along with the status quo. All first world issues.

My relationship isn't right for whatever reason and is causing me turmoil because I know I am lucky in many respects, supportive, helpful, hardworking dh who has provided a sense of stability over the years but it has come to feel like there is a lack of connection (they say you can't rely on one person to provide emotional support but I just don't feel seen) which I didn't see before. I could have written much of what Question99 has written in terms of her dh and being undiagnosed. My relationship just feels tired, hard work and too fraught with communication issues with little sense of togetherness except pulling together for the dc. I often feel a sense of loneliness.

The house is nice in a nice area but not something I would choose now (for a similar amount of money), though moving house wouldn't change any of what I'm feeling right now though I've thought about it.

I have been trying to work on friendships but this has been slow going, it appears like most of my friends are stuck in a similar grind but can't quite express their dissatisfaction/see clearly and do anything about it.

The only thing I wouldn't change is my lovely dc and the couple of interests I have. It feels like living in a bit of a sham or existing in the wrong life or something and I hate feeling this way when I have so much to be grateful for and shouldn't be getting the 'is this it?' thoughts. I get the feeling I want to just run away from it all because I can't make sense of it and it feels overwhelming (lots of therapy and still no clearer as to what is real and what is hormonal). Yes, gaslighting myself most likely. But I've read about women who have made huge impactful life changes around this time and regretted it when the grass doesn't turn out to be greener.

I have had a dreadful week. very very tired, itching all over, particularly scalp, eyes and legs and everything hurts, especially knees, feet and hands. I can barely get up the stairs. I've had enough

I'm sorry @MentholLoad . Can you talk to your GP?

we have to use econsult. so I filled in an online form begging for HRT. I have a telephone appointment at the end of October 🤷🏼‍♀️

it is so humiliating and alienating isn't it, to be treated with such indifference