Page 2 | I kind of feel like I'm dead

MentholLoad · 2023-08-22T14:25:36+00:00

I really really hope you can tell me that this passes I have no energy, everything hurts yadda yadda. but I don't enjoy ANYTHING. I don't want to do anything at all. I don't want to work, I don't want to clean the house. I don't even want to spend time with friends. I don't feel like I have anything to say about anything. I just want it to be quiet. I long for retirement but I don't know what I want to do. I don't know if I want to move house or if I am happy were I am. I have no interest in travelling or going on holidays or anything. I think I could become reclusive. but it frightens me

Original poster

MentholLoad · 24/08/2023 09:53

Naturerhymes · 23/08/2023 22:26

I feel like this op. GP has switched me from gel to a patch as I wasn't absorbing HRT. Hoping upon hoping it is going to make a difference. My get up and go has got up and gone. I just want to sit by the sea and watch the waves roll in, everything else feels overwhelming (I don't live near the coast so can't easily do this).

I guess some aspects of me feeling low are real in that my relationships in life haven't been what I hoped they would be and there is some disappointment around that. It is difficult for me to seperate what I actually feel from the hormonal stuff. Added to that underlying anxiety issues (which I'm awaiting treatment for - not going to be easy as I'm already in this rubbish state). I am questioning a lot of things. Not particularly happy where I live but doubting a move would make a huge difference (they say you take stuff with you, which is true). I have thought that life is short but I also have been thinking what's the point? Trying to work out what I really want and going around in circles. Trying to be grateful (because on the surface, I have a lot to be grateful for including dcs), yet still this ongoing low mood and the realisation that I am indeed getting older and dreading the one day empty nest. Want to be alone but fear being alone and reclusive at the same time. In general, thinking negative thoughts and looking forward feel things are going to become increasingly bleak. None of this contributes toward developing a social circle etc. and on the viscious circle goes. I've been told I am a good friend, yet no-one particularly goes out of their way as such.

My lack of motivation and drive is dire. The lack of energy is dire (had various blood tests, need to watch iron levels and take ferrous tablets for this). I've been eating a lot of sugar recently in a bid for comfort which hasn't helped. Don't have the inclination to suddenly take up running/change career or whatever else. I am more of a creative person but I realise exercise would help a lot.

Not sure what the answer is, just hoping things will turn around a bit.

💐 this is so well written. I'm sorry you feel like this too

OP posts:

Original poster

MentholLoad · 24/08/2023 09:56

whatisforteamum · 23/08/2023 22:05

The same happened to me at 51.
No joy or energy and doing 12 hr days dragging myself along.
GP said I was peri.
The get made me feel worse for a bit like being in a dark tunnel.
Days off in my room quite depressed.
Then it improved. 56 now and I have bags of energy anxiety gone and a lot better.
There is hope you just have to find an exercise you enjoy and time will improve things.

this is reassuring, thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

MentholLoad · 24/08/2023 09:58

not feeling a sense of belonging and having decent relationships

@Naturerhymes yes, to the lack of sense of belonging!! it's so weird after having felt content for decades, feeling like I am where I am supposed to be...and then puff, gone. it's like being a teenager again, with angst and searching for a place in the world

OP posts:

vjg13 · 24/08/2023 10:09

I feel like I have lost the joy in things that I previously really enjoyed. I agree with PP about excercise (and HRT for me) but also forcing myself to go out, go on holiday and generally do stuff has helped.

gabbyaggy · 24/08/2023 10:13

I lost all interest in my home, cooking, parenting and my appearance eg. makeup and hair. I wanted to eat toast and peanut butter all day. The rage was never ending and exhausting.

Luckily I was oerscibrd HRT by a wonderful doctor specialising in menopause and HRT. My life has improved significantly and the rage has gone. Please see a HRT specialist.

BonnieBairn · 24/08/2023 11:01

What antidepressant are you on? SSRIs can cause a flat feeling and Citalopram in particular. Might be worth going back to your GP to try a different one?

Frenchfancy · 24/08/2023 11:13

I know exactly how you feel. I'm the same age. HRT isn't an option.

Dr put me on vitamin D drops. About a month later I can only describe it as a veil having been lifted. My energy, brain and even libido is back.

No way of knowing if it is the Vit D or not but worth a try.

whatisforteamum · 24/08/2023 16:03

Yes Vit D and magnesium for sleep.

Original poster

MentholLoad · 24/08/2023 16:54

I take vit d regularly and magnesium. I have had vit d deficiency previously and have had it checked recently

OP posts:

Writingonthewalls · 24/08/2023 17:14

I really relate to so much of this and in many ways it’s very comforting. I am at the end of my rope trying to work out what’s wrong with me, but so many of these replies really chime with my experience .
I am post menopausal but my mood has been chronically low since menopause.
I have no motivation, no energy or drive anymore. I often think ‘what is the point of my life’ . There are a lot of circumstantial issues at the root of it. I don’t like where I am living or the house. I have poor relationships with family members , and difficult adult children who take but don’t give and are impatient with me. I’ve lost friendships and haven’t made new ones.
I have no sense of purpose and feel bored, irritated and overburdened. Attempts to start new hobbies or get out more don’t last long because I’m either too lacking in energy to persevere or I become quickly discouraged.
I think a lot about what lies ahead in terms of health issues . Potentially losing my partner etc.
I just want to be alone , away from people, traffic and modern life but also fear loneliness.
OH is away for a few days and I find I just want to hide away from everything and pull the shutters down. I find him exhausting too, much as I love him.
I’ve had endless blood tests and etc and been to the doctor. Just don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Even on holiday now I want to sleep a lot and not do much. I’m really frustrated with myself.

Writingonthewalls · 24/08/2023 17:17

Naturerhymes · 23/08/2023 22:45

I've got to say, it doesn't help when I read on MN that so many are earning six figure salaries, living in posh ends of London, living the high life!

I'm not quite in this bracket but no big financial worries. Whilst I appreciate money can make things easier/relieve the pressure, it still doesn't make all the above feelings/situational stuff better because a lot of it for me, is not feeling a sense of belonging and having decent relationships - family, friends etc. in life which you can't change simply or easily.

This is so true. Money doesn’t compensate for lack of connection.

SilverSpooooons · 24/08/2023 18:51

I'm only 42 and feel very much like this. I've been so down lately. Have had intense rage for the past 2 years. This week I realised I've got a vaginal prolapse and the research I've done so far makes it seem horrific. I leak wee, I can't orgasm like I used, I'm dry down there and sore. I've had to go out yesterday and buy vagisil I've lost 80lbs which on top of it all seems like great thing, but it's left me with saggy loose skin all over my body. My husband is an ass, my children drive me insane. It's just constant chaos arguing and yelling in our house for one reason or another. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I have zero drive. I relish in my own company and love to get away from my family and people. I have bad anxiety about everything.

Honestly I struggle most days thinking if this is it, what the hell is there to live for? It's awful 😔

Original poster

MentholLoad · 24/08/2023 20:25

SilverSpooooons · 24/08/2023 18:51

I'm only 42 and feel very much like this. I've been so down lately. Have had intense rage for the past 2 years. This week I realised I've got a vaginal prolapse and the research I've done so far makes it seem horrific. I leak wee, I can't orgasm like I used, I'm dry down there and sore. I've had to go out yesterday and buy vagisil I've lost 80lbs which on top of it all seems like great thing, but it's left me with saggy loose skin all over my body. My husband is an ass, my children drive me insane. It's just constant chaos arguing and yelling in our house for one reason or another. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I have zero drive. I relish in my own company and love to get away from my family and people. I have bad anxiety about everything.

Honestly I struggle most days thinking if this is it, what the hell is there to live for? It's awful 😔

💐 I'm so sorry

I have found that the rage subsides ime... eventually you just can't even be assed/don't care enough to get angry.

OP posts:

Bookist · 24/08/2023 21:38

This is so me! For the last year my periods have been regular but much lighter, but now I haven't had a period in over 3 months. I keep experiencing 7 to 14 days of complete flatness. It's really, really bad. I have to force myself to smile and speak. I feel so bleak and grey inside and out, it's crushes me. When I look in the mirror my eyes look empty and my voice sounds flat and croaky, my friend asked if I had a sore throat. Then suddenly the depression lifts away and I'm loving life again. Until the next time.

I don't know what to do because I cannot take HRT for medical reasons, and I'm already on 100mg of Sertraline to help with hot flushes and insomnia, and it's excellent for that. But it's not stopping these awful low moods. I don't know what else to do.

SataumaMeddler · 24/08/2023 21:44

@MentholLoad @Bookist not sure if it's helpful but I'm not able to take HRT either - been recommended herbal alternatives by quite a few people
(oncology said no to me but might be useful for you).
If you are struggling with the anti depressant you are on, have a look at Paroxetine. Done wonders for me with menopause symptoms

Naturerhymes · 24/08/2023 22:01

The world still whizzes on and 99% of life feels transactional. I feel like I've moved over into the slow lane and life (using the analogy of traffic) just keeps speeding up and I can't keep up and I'm not deemed an older person yet! I seem to be experiencing depression and it feels much worse in the morning. I have a horrible fear of not wanting to get up at all such is my poor motivation. It is fortunate in a way that I have children who are propelling me to function but this isn't going to last forever and I don't know what the hell I'm going to do longer term if this doesn't improve (I don't have a job to go to or anything that makes me leap out of bed and look forward). Perhaps getting a dog is the answer.

Writingonthewall I'm sorry your adult children are so uncaring. I think I may experience this too one day (though I'm hoping not to). Hopefully if your children are still youngish they will mature but I remember being impatient with an elderly relative and really wish I hadn't been. Most things seem to look different when you are young, like none of the stuff we are experiencing now will ever apply to us until it does. I feel extremely nostalgic and I can't believe where time has gone. I have little extended family now on account of an extremely dysfunctional family who actually traumatised me (to the point of gaining a diagnosis). Society still expects you to function 'normally' though when right from the get go developing relationships/friendships can be very difficult due to lack of trust/being slightly quirky. Holding down a job (even though it is way below your actual capabilities due to lack of confidence/anxiety etc.) On top of this you've got the dysfunctional family of origin who provide little to nothing in the way of support when others seem to have at least some kind of a support system (so grateful to have my immediate family). Then, the ultimate gift: the perimenopause/menopause leading into old age. Older people used to be more revered in society but there seems less of that these days.

Some will say we are lucky to have got this far...and in a way we are. I'm trying to work out how to make the best of things in light of all this and my head is completely muddled and overwhelmed. I'm not sure what I would ask out of life if I could ask something of it, only to be totally and utterly loved. To feel valued. To have a larger caring extended family. To actually be heard once in a while (and not have to pay for it via therapy). To feel some zest for life instead of enduring anxiety. To feel a sense of belonging/connectedness. We can't buy any of these things.

Lockdown was horrific in terms of loss and devastation and I wouldn't wish it again on that account but I actually felt weirdly more balanced during this time and less alone and left behind. How can that be a thing? Life feels badly out of sync for me.

Meh. Sorry to hear other ladies are struggling and for the epic post.

Naturerhymes · 24/08/2023 22:03

Useful suggestions for anti-depressants. I think I'm going to revisit some. I've tried so many in the past - it seems I'm quite sensitive to side effects.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 24/08/2023 22:06

You could be describing me, get a full blood count done and specifically ask to have thyroid checked as could be low thyroid. My doctor who is useless did my bloods few years ago as told him eyebrows and leg hair coming out and felt drained. He did not even come back with results or would not give me hrt even though was 48 & 52 when asked him. It was a menopause doctor saw at Family Planning/WellWoman health who noticed my bloods/thyroid underactive. I start on meds next week and hopefully in few mths energy will pick up as feel drained. Did force myself to go get my hair done today so feel better with nice cut and my 3 inches of grey gone. Also hrt has helped but underactive thyroid you will feel depleted, dry skin, absolutely drained, find it hard to sleep, etc. Please get checked out and insist on thyroid check as seems have to be more forceful now to get anything from doctors. Hope you get sorted and feel better soon as know how hard it is to just want to sit and be. Things will get better and get that doctor appointment and look after yourself.

DanceMumTaxi · 24/08/2023 22:23

So much of what’s been written resonates with me. I’m only 42, but I just feel like my life is over. I can’t seem to find any enthusiasm or energy for anything, even things that I should want to do. Off for the summer (teacher) and dreading going back to school. I don’t feel like I can cope now even though I’m off. Everything feels too much, even stupid stuff like cleaning the bathroom.

Mmhmmn · 24/08/2023 22:33

OP, could you drop a work day and have some time that's just for you?

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 24/08/2023 22:50

At some stage, OP, you'll move past the menopause, and you'll feel much better. It does come.

kizziee · 25/08/2023 00:33

@marmaladeandpeanutbutter how long was it through menopause that you started to feel better. And was that down to HRT or just time passing ?

Morewineplease10 · 25/08/2023 07:09

@gabbyaggy
Please could you provide details of the specialist you saw? Or PM me if you prefer?

Thanks.

MontyCCU · 25/08/2023 07:16

Naturerhymes · 23/08/2023 22:26

I feel like this op. GP has switched me from gel to a patch as I wasn't absorbing HRT. Hoping upon hoping it is going to make a difference. My get up and go has got up and gone. I just want to sit by the sea and watch the waves roll in, everything else feels overwhelming (I don't live near the coast so can't easily do this).

I guess some aspects of me feeling low are real in that my relationships in life haven't been what I hoped they would be and there is some disappointment around that. It is difficult for me to seperate what I actually feel from the hormonal stuff. Added to that underlying anxiety issues (which I'm awaiting treatment for - not going to be easy as I'm already in this rubbish state). I am questioning a lot of things. Not particularly happy where I live but doubting a move would make a huge difference (they say you take stuff with you, which is true). I have thought that life is short but I also have been thinking what's the point? Trying to work out what I really want and going around in circles. Trying to be grateful (because on the surface, I have a lot to be grateful for including dcs), yet still this ongoing low mood and the realisation that I am indeed getting older and dreading the one day empty nest. Want to be alone but fear being alone and reclusive at the same time. In general, thinking negative thoughts and looking forward feel things are going to become increasingly bleak. None of this contributes toward developing a social circle etc. and on the viscious circle goes. I've been told I am a good friend, yet no-one particularly goes out of their way as such.

My lack of motivation and drive is dire. The lack of energy is dire (had various blood tests, need to watch iron levels and take ferrous tablets for this). I've been eating a lot of sugar recently in a bid for comfort which hasn't helped. Don't have the inclination to suddenly take up running/change career or whatever else. I am more of a creative person but I realise exercise would help a lot.

Not sure what the answer is, just hoping things will turn around a bit.

Gosh Naturehymes - this is me! Major family relationship collapse and menopause collided. Not on HRT as yet but had treatment for menopausal anxiety. Found Paul McKenna's hypnotherapy trances useful and CBT. Exercise was also great. This is still how I feel but it's more bearable. Wishing you strength 💐

MontyCCU · 25/08/2023 07:23

Actually I've the dysfunctional family of origin thing too Naturehymes. Was waking early with anxiety but that's gone due to CBT and I'm calmer. I think the menopause hormonal shift left me feeling less able to cope with stress. I've tried to build in more pleasurable things to do and have started swimming again and reconnecting with friends