where did they all go

[toffeecupcake]

I have no social life whatsoever. My best friends were there one minute then disppeared (none had children) and suddenly I realise I have no close friends to confide in or socialize with. I know others mums to chat to when I bump into them but not to socialize with. I've just finished a year course at college which i loved going to because it meant i got to talk to other people but thats now finished. I made friends with a couple of people but one is going travelling so i wont see her and the other person i texted at the weekend but he hasnt texted or e-mailed back. Has other lone parents felt isolated and lonely at times and how did they get over it. I hate feeling like this. Maybe when i find a job i'll feel better but i'm not getting anywhere with that.

At least I know i'm not alone.

You are by no means alone toffee, congrats on finishing your course

Why would you be ashamed of it swallowed?

Hi Toffee, Know the feeling well. We moved miles away from all my friends just before my ex left us and have spent the past 2 years with very few friends around me.

I have now got a job though and that has really helped my sanity.

I make the effort to smile and be sociable with everyone and gradually am making a few friends, but no one to hang out with.

Try to stay positive, it isnt you that the problem its just that people dont understand the lone parent life

I think alot of single parents (or maybe just me) like to put on a brave face and show the world that we're tough, we dont need anyone but i do miss having close friends to talk to. At least i know i can let it all out on here

I feel like this too

I realised this before I became a single parent though, and did my best to reach out and build up some RL support before I left ex.

I would advise anyone else in same situation to reach out and test the water with people you now but don't currently socialise with. For me it was asking a couple of other mums I knew if they wanted a cuppa, or to meet up somewhere with the dcs and have a catch up.

Like swallowedafly says it is so easy for your life to empty out and very hard to fill it again.

toffee - are there any other courses you would like to try? Sounds like you enjoyed the last one?

Not just you Toffee, I always keep the "good side out" etc but I will admit here that I am lonely as hell most of the time.

We have to put a brave face on for our kids. Occasionally though we all have a big wobble. It is hard, and unfortunately unless you are a LP you dont really get it.

totally agree with everyone here. Its so easy to lose that contact. Other friends are busy with their own families, or if they dont have families they are busy going out. I feel like I dont fit into either category.
Sometimes, as an experiment, I dont contact anyone and see how long it takes for them to contact me - I always give in though, as I cant wait weeks without any contact
And its so hard to get out and meet people eg on a course or something, as babysitters are so hard to come by...

Wow global thought I was the only one who conducted that experiment but just like you I give in and end up contacting my friends (grand total of 2!!) Having said that they are two completely different people, one an LP and one extremely happily married.

Hi toffee, yes I know the feeling - I'm very good at putting on a front so noone knows that I'm all at sea inside. Then I get upset that noone realises that I need some help and tend to shut down/ shut everyone out even more. It's all a vicious circle.....

Same here

I do still have close friends but they are the other side of the country. It's so hard not having anyone to just hang out with. I'm ok during the day with a few people to have coffee/playdates with and toddler groups but come evenings and weekends poof they all have other plans and I'm a billy no mates.

But unless they have been there they really underestimate just how hard it is not having someone else there to talk to/share your day with/make inane comments about crap on tv etc.

SAF I am also ashamed of it. Feel as though there must be something wrong with me that nobody wants to socialise with me outside children (I'm a nice person, honest!)

Ezma that's another downside to being a lone parent, we need help but don't know how to ask for it, and then resent when it's not offered.
Freakoid am sure there is nothing wrong with you

Oh yes the fun of being a single mum! I have a couple of great friends. But the evenings and weekends are the hardest. And i dont know any other single mums :-(

Any im nr bluewater in kent so if anyone is near there fancy a coffee??

Or we can start our own msn chat nights!

I hate intruding on other peoples weekends especially when pretty much all my friends are coupled up. It's not a nice feeling and I hate myself for it but I do feel jealous when someone talks about holidays they're going on, what work they are having done to their house and they apparently seem to have no worries of any significance. Realistically, I know this isn't true but I just get that feeling and I don't want to look like even more of a failure in their eyes by discussing my car wreck of a life with them especially 12 months on . Again, I know they are actually brilliant friends but it is hard to open up to them properly and see how much the real me is hurting at the moment.

Sometimes I think we are afraid to slow down in case we realise how empty our lives really are. I know this definitely applies to me!
Ezma you sound really down today, are you ok?
Sugarpear am other side of the water from you, otherwise would have loved to have joined you for a coffee

yes, slowing down is difficult and I think it's all caught up with me. Desire, yes, feeling v. down today and have done for about the past month. It's just all come to a head in the past couple of days. Keep trying to tell myself that it will get better like before but not working this time.

Any particular reason why last couple of days have been the hardest?

Where is everyone else? I am near Bristol

Sorry Ezma I still had the thread open and so didn't see the last few posts. I go through stages of feeling really down about it and other times I am fine. Is this just a regular slump for you or is there more to it?

op how long since you became a lone p? i found that the old set of friends got discarded over time and i have been lucky enough to meet some really good new ones who see me as myself not a couple with a missing 'half'
took about 4 years I'd say

Absolutely know how you feel. This is exactly how it is for me too.

I work, but because I only do school hours and live a long way from work (an hour's drive) I very rarely get to socialise after work. And as I work through lunch I don't get to do any of the lunch time things either! So no mates through work. Not that any of them have any clue about how it is to be a single parent. Most of them don't actually have children either.

I fill up my free time doing voluntary stuff at school (helping on my day off, running an after school club, and organising school fetes etc). It gives me something to do but also a reason to chat to other parents.
I really don't know what it takes to get an invite to something social though. Trying to keep myself busy so I don't have time to reflect on how lonely and isoled I am.

One very kind mum offered to take my ds out for the day so I could catch up on stuff. She took him with a group of other mum's out for a fun day at a park about an hour away that I'd never been too. I really appreciated the free time to get stuff sorted, but I was also really wishing that I could have gone along for the social side of it too!

And yeah I've done the thing of not phoning or texting people to see how long it takes. Think the last time someone phoned me just to chat, not coz my sister needed a babysiter was probably at least 2 years ago. My two 'closest' friends didn't even text or phone me on my birthday (40th this year) though one did bring a card round a couple of days before.

It does get to be a vicious cycle though of trying to manage all on your own and putting on a brave face and everyone looking at you thinking you're doing managing fine and coping, when actually you're not at all, just simply getting by from day to day. Some better than others granted.

Sugarpear - I am essex, but a fair old way from the bridge (an hour ish). We could meet up somewhere in the middle though if you are able to drive maybe? How about Maldon prom and splash park for example?

desiretochange - If you're the other side of the water I'm guessing you're in essex too?

globalmouse, you sound just like what i do, like the friends i met at college, i know that if i dont hear from them by next week i'll probably text them first again because i hate waiting around for them to contact me. The mums i know have partners/husbands except a couple but they both work and socialise with colleagues.
sugarpear, sorry live in London, which you think would have lots of single parents meet-ups being a busy city but i have never found one.
ninah, my dd is 14 and i've been a lp since she was born. I lost contact with my best friends when she was about 5 and have never really found good friends since.