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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

where did they all go

129 replies

toffeecupcake · 07/07/2010 15:20

I have no social life whatsoever. My best friends were there one minute then disppeared (none had children) and suddenly I realise I have no close friends to confide in or socialize with. I know others mums to chat to when I bump into them but not to socialize with. I've just finished a year course at college which i loved going to because it meant i got to talk to other people but thats now finished. I made friends with a couple of people but one is going travelling so i wont see her and the other person i texted at the weekend but he hasnt texted or e-mailed back. Has other lone parents felt isolated and lonely at times and how did they get over it. I hate feeling like this. Maybe when i find a job i'll feel better but i'm not getting anywhere with that.

OP posts:
undermyskin · 08/07/2010 13:05

Maybe the friendships withering is all to do with the survey in last Sunday's papers that if you are friends with someone who is divorced/separated this is 75% more likely to happen to you. So, perhaps it's because we are contagious.

I certainly lost my closest, v. long-standing friend in the process of separation; first of all, she was incredibly supportive, then I was dropped (completely). It hurt. What I do know is that the less you go out/see friends, the less you feel like making an effort, so important always to keep trying and not to become wrapped up in self-pity. I regularly invite friends (sometimes people I hope will become friends!) around for easy suppers and have stopped dwelling on the fact this is rarely reciprocated.

gillybean2 · 08/07/2010 13:12

I would love to invite people over for supper. Fact is I can barely afford to feed just us most of the time and it's tough enough when ds has friend's over who eat up all his lunch box snacks.

swallowedAfly · 08/07/2010 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

undermyskin · 08/07/2010 13:29

gillybean, instead of 'supper' I should have written bowl of pasta and certainly no pudding. My DD now 12 and I'm working, but I do understand that financial pressures make drumming up a social life nigh on impossible. I think what I meant was that sitting around hoping friends get in touch with you really means you end up being forgotten about. After a good deal of wallowing, I took the initiative and started inviting people around - for coffee after school drop off and sometimes in the evening, and I stopped looking for/expecting reciprocation. What I get out of this is adult chat in the evening, so worthwhile IMO

undermyskin · 08/07/2010 13:34

swallowedAfly - retrospective comment about how I was (and still am sometimes, though try hard not to be)...nobody rings me, nobody understands how difficult it is, etc

Ezma · 08/07/2010 13:52

it's really good (and bad!) to know that I'm not the only one. I've just come off Facebook because I'm getting irrationally jealous and upset at other people's updates which are getting all excited about house moves to fab places and holidays - none of which are even a remote possibility for me. I honestly don't know how my friends would react if I just broke down in front of them - I think they are so used to seeing the strong me that they genuinely believe that is who I actually am and not that I am just a bloody good actress! Even if they did offer help, they certainly can't offer the sort of help I need like magically taking all my financial problems away etc.

Original poster
toffeecupcake · 08/07/2010 14:04

I couldnt even a afford a night out even if i had someone to go out with. I'm desperate to get back to work not just to make things better financially but to be able to chat with people.

OP posts:
desiretochange · 08/07/2010 14:44

I too would love to invite people over in the evening but am by no means the best housekeeper in town so would end up stressing too much about state of house to relax properly

elastamum · 08/07/2010 14:46

I think its just the small stuff that can make all the difference.

I was chatting to a friend the other night and mentioned how down I was feeling and she has invited me to a party at the weekend at a friend of hers house as I am on my own this weekend. Unfortunatley she isnt local so I dont see her much but it made all the dirrerence just to feel that I had a friend who was bothered enough to want to take me out to cheer me up.

As an observation, I am just so grateful when anyone reaches out to me I'm sure it has made me a much more kind and thoughtful person than I used to be when I was supposedly happily married

desiretochange · 08/07/2010 14:48

You going to the party Elasta?

Original poster
toffeecupcake · 08/07/2010 14:50

there should be more support available locally to lp, maybe meet-ups, not so we can all sit around moaning (although having a good moan is good for the system) but somewhere for lp to chat with other lp who understand where we're coming from.

OP posts:
desiretochange · 08/07/2010 14:56

For the moment toffee we will just have to moan to each other here and at the same time do our best to cheer each other up or help out even if it is just listening and not judging.

MavisEnderby · 08/07/2010 14:58

glad i found this thread.I am newly lp as dp died.I can so relate to all said on here.I am off work atm and can honestly say the only people i have spoken to this week are the transport people who come to pick dd up for he sn school,the dustbin men!(they are lovely and always wave to dd as she gets very excited by the lorry)and smalltalk with the parents at the school gates.Oh yes and a lovely colleague rang me.I am trying to keep busy but am hating the nights staring at the same 4 walls

elastamum · 08/07/2010 15:00

Looks like it desire, still waiting to hear from himself but have pretty much written him off for this weekend

desiretochange · 08/07/2010 15:29

Mavis sorry to hear about your dp, was really glad to find this thread as well
Elasta is himself taking your child for weekend or visiting you at weekend??

Ezma · 08/07/2010 15:30

Toffee, are you on ML at the moment or is it just difficult financially to go back to work on a ft/ pt basis at the moment or just that jobs are hard to find where you are at the moment? It is good to work as I do then get some adult conversation but I also find the responsibility of my job sometimes very difficult to handle as well which adds to my worries.

Right, I have spent the past couple of hours (when I should have been working thinking of what I can do to bring myself out of the rut that I have got myself into. I'm committing it to writing on here so that I can't ignore it quite so easily if it's in black and white on MN.

  1. Work out finances with ex H and work myself out a proper budget. That way, if I know my incomings and outgoings, I'll be able to see where I can make cutbacks and also not be fretting about money by the end of each month
  1. On basis that I'm worried about my company making redundancies, update my CV and start looking around now to see if there is anything else of interest. Look at changing careers as well and where my skills could be transferred to
  1. Get back into my voluntary work. It has been a real pita recently but if I start to treat it as the fun/ enjoyable thing it should be then it shouldn't be as daunting and I will start to get real benefit out of it;
  1. Start doing some of the cosmetic work that needs doing around the house. I shouldn't always look at worse case scenario and assume that it is going to have to be sold. I should enjoy it and make it the best home I can for DS and I. It doesn't need to cost a lot to do some stuff;
  1. Pluck up the courage to simply ask friends about making plans for the weekend. If they always get booked up far in advance, make sure that I get something in the diary with them sooner rather than later. That way, there will be stuff to look forward to;
  1. Get back into my health/ fitness drive. I felt physically and mentally better when I was exercising regularly;
  1. Clear out remainder of ex H's stuff from the house so that it is mine and DS's space
  1. Speak to doctor about counselling. That way, I can spend quality time with my friends and talk about positive stuff and have time for them rather than dwelling on myself;
  1. Rejoin the dating website that I was on previously. Provided I don't take it too seriously and accept that there are a lot of frogs it can be good fun and, you never know, there might be a prince lurking around on there somewhere!

I've done it before so I intend to do it again and make positive things happen for myself. For all of us, what we are going through is only temporary, not matter how long it seems at the time. Everything that has happened to us happens for a reason and it is all for the better. We have all probably learnt an awful lot about ourselves since we became LP, including having our own flaws and mistakes painfully exposed but what incredibly strong people we are and we can proud of what we have achieved. This will make us better and stronger people and we are all doing a brilliant job of coping and carving out new lives for ourselves. If we all just see it as a step by step process then we will one day realise that all the heartache was worthwhile. We don't need pity as such but just people who can give us a hug and an ear when we need ti most, like anyone else does. Our true friends will recognise that as well and will admire us for our strength and integrity.

So, my suggestion is that we rename this thread Onwards and Upwards!

undermyskin · 08/07/2010 15:38

Ezma, a fabulous list, and only think things can change by taking this positive attitude ('when you cry, you cry alone; when you laugh, the world laughs with you). And it's so easy to get into a negative mindset, spend so much time like this but change nothing. Re point 6, I took up running in Feb (and mid 40s) - it's free and I can fit it in around everything else. I'm doing a 10k race this weekend!

Ezma · 08/07/2010 15:43

good luck, Under. I'm crap at running!

What other positive things can people come up with? I even thought about trying to set up a lp group in my area as there doesn't seem to be one at the moment.

Mavis, I was so sorry to read your post . My situation is completely different from yours and I can't even imagine how you feel right now. I really hope that you are getting lots of support from your family and friends. Maybe they are worried about crowding you too much?

desiretochange · 08/07/2010 15:52

Ezma good to see you are more positive today, you have certainly inspired me to write a list, will probably have to wait till Saturday to do this as will have some time then
Under good luck in your race this weekend! Huge admiration for you

Ezma · 08/07/2010 16:05

desire, make sure you put it up on here. I've embarassed myself and I don't want to be the only one. Maybe we can all motivate each other?

If we're all here for each other to have a good moan but also to cheer on each other's achievements then I think that is really going to help us all.

desiretochange · 08/07/2010 16:07

Couldn't have said it better myself Ezma Will definitely post it up when I have it completed.

Ezma · 08/07/2010 16:22

looking forward to seeing it desire!

cestlavielife · 08/07/2010 16:36

mavis - so sorry for your loss. without being morbid is there a charity /voluntary group wich offers support in relation to how he died eg if was specific illness or ? so you could either ring for genreal support or also get involved and be around people who share something with you?

whereabouts in country are you?

toffee am in london nw - where are you? well done for doing your course btw.

a lot of courses etc finsh for summer

if you enjoy reading then bookclub?
northlondon reading group seems to have loads of social activities -
also going on thru the summer
www.northlondonreadinggroup.co.uk/

diff for me coz of babysitting needs etc - but if your daughter is 14 is easier for you to go out?

Original poster
toffeecupcake · 08/07/2010 16:37

Mavis, sorry to hear about your dp.
Ezma, that was a brilliant and positive list, i will try to do one myself, just need to think about it for a bit. Funnily enough i was thinking the same thing that if i knew another lp in the area we could set up a lp group, i couldnt do it on my own.

OP posts:
Ezma · 08/07/2010 16:40

yay, toffee! post your list on here too! babysitting (or lack of) seems to be a consistent theme on this thread. Is it being too ambitious but maybe a lp group could be set up alongside a babysitting circle? Difficult when you don't know the other lp's that well but over time it could become a possibility?