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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

where did they all go

129 replies

toffeecupcake · 07/07/2010 15:20

I have no social life whatsoever. My best friends were there one minute then disppeared (none had children) and suddenly I realise I have no close friends to confide in or socialize with. I know others mums to chat to when I bump into them but not to socialize with. I've just finished a year course at college which i loved going to because it meant i got to talk to other people but thats now finished. I made friends with a couple of people but one is going travelling so i wont see her and the other person i texted at the weekend but he hasnt texted or e-mailed back. Has other lone parents felt isolated and lonely at times and how did they get over it. I hate feeling like this. Maybe when i find a job i'll feel better but i'm not getting anywhere with that.

OP posts:
lionstigersandbearsohmy · 07/07/2010 19:30

This has started to happen to me too recently. One of my best friends, known for 16 years, booked us to go to a concert.
She was going with lots of other friends too and it turned out that I would have trouble getting home so said I couldn't go but that I would pay for the ticket anyway. She has since emailed me to say she was REALLY upset about it and they we have obviously grown apart.
I am sad about it but also a little angry at the same time because she has no idea how hard my life can be as a single mum and I thought as my friend she would cut me some slack

swallowedAfly · 07/07/2010 19:54

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QueenofWhatever · 07/07/2010 20:41

freakoid I'm in Bristol and there's quite a few single Mums. We meet up on a Friday morning and we even allow those with partners to come. Trying to get it together to meet up a bit more at the weekend, you're always welcome.

I work four days a week and that makes such a difference, I actually often stay at home when DD is at her Dad's for the weekend because I get so tired.

When I first became a LP, I had many an entertaining evening watching the X Factor with a drink and chatting with people here on the X Factor threads. Beat gooing out as I had a great time from the comfort of my own sofa.

elastamum · 07/07/2010 21:38

I think it is really sad that there are so many of us out there with the same experience of being a LP. I do wonder if our couple friends ever stop to really consider what it is really like. Mind you one good friend of mine said she considered splitting with her H until she saw what my life was really like and realised she couldnt hack it alone. she is still married

lionstigersandbearsohmy · 08/07/2010 08:38

There you go girls, it may be hard sometimes but at least we are living a lie! I would never want to go back to what I was living before, I cried a lot more then than I do now!

Original poster
toffeecupcake · 08/07/2010 09:05

Thanks for everyone posting, I was really starting to think i was the only one.

OP posts:
lionstigersandbearsohmy · 08/07/2010 10:11

Oh god just read my lst post...that was meant to say..at least we are NOT living a lie! Sorry!

elastamum · 08/07/2010 10:22

Dont worry I'm sure we all know what you mean!! Life is tough but at least its an honest life

swallowedAfly · 08/07/2010 10:37

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elastamum · 08/07/2010 10:48

Exactly SAF, its not about housework or having a husband who travels, I had one of them once. Its about companionship, love, having someone beside you who's on your side.

But its also about being accepted socially and this is a tough one. It is hurtful when you slowly stop getting invites from friends who are part of a couple, it is almost that they subconciously decide you dont fit in anymore and they dont want to be reminded of your single status.

I have really noticed that over the past couple of years. It does sadden me that I am considered a great hostess when it comes to weekends or events including everyones children, but am rarely on the invite list for adult occasions. I am sociable, good company and fun to be with but some times I feel I have become a social leper.

needtomoveon · 08/07/2010 10:52

Another vote for the Billy-No-Mates here. Actually I do have a couple of very supportive friends but they have Hs and families. A couple of people have actively "dropped" me since X left - which is nice . There don't seem to be any single parent groups round here and tbh I am so bloody tired and busy I'm not sure I have the energy to find or attend one.

Ooh and I am sick of "I don't know how you do it!" and "I'm a single parent this week as H is away" ..... yeah right

Anyway, however tough it is the alternative was being married to a selfish, unfaithful drunk - I would rather be lonely but free of him

Ezma · 08/07/2010 11:21

Oh gosh, the same cliches seem to go round don't they about how do we cope and I've also been in a situation where I've been told that was has happened to me has meant that they've reconsidered splitting up from their OH as they just couldn't do what I do! Thanks!

Just wish I could get out of this current rut of feeling grim but it seems to be a case of reality really biting me on the bum this time.

swallowedAfly · 08/07/2010 11:24

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Original poster
toffeecupcake · 08/07/2010 11:28

I find hols particulary the summer hols, hard this is where i'm constantly hearing what other parents and their partners are taking the kids this year. I dont feel confident enough to go alone with my dd.
Ezma know how you feel i can feel myself sinking again.

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desiretochange · 08/07/2010 11:32

You are so right swallowed best not to think too much about the future or else you would just give up.
And as for people saying "I don't know how you do it" ... that makes me so mad. I feel that what it really means is "I don't care how you do it" which saves them from offering you any practical help.

swallowedAfly · 08/07/2010 11:33

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swallowedAfly · 08/07/2010 11:36

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desiretochange · 08/07/2010 11:53

Why should you name change swallow? You are only talking about how you are feeling.
Stuck is exactly how I would describe my life, same shit - different day.

Original poster
toffeecupcake · 08/07/2010 12:05

I agree with desire, its good to get it all out. I think thats why I started the thread because its been bottling up for so long. I actually feel a little bit better, even though it doesnt change things in RL, I know i'm not the only one.

OP posts:
desiretochange · 08/07/2010 12:09

Toffee am really glad you did start the thread because at least it allows us to be honest and acknowledge that it's not all a bed of roses when you are on your own, yest there are many reasons to be grateful that we are out of relationships that were so damaging but at the same time we still have to struggle day to day on our own.

passmyglassplease · 08/07/2010 12:12

nothing to add really, I agree with all the emotions expressed on here.

weekends are for couples seeing couples it seems, although i do have a partner he is often away doing his own thing so I can't rely on him for any social interaction with the dcs

I am lucky in that I have lots of family close by, but they don't want to see us every weekend or rather I think they don't want to see us very weekend. Us LPs always let everyone think we are coping, but this is not always the case1

desiretochange · 08/07/2010 12:23

Why do we find it so hard to ask for help, to let people know that maybe we are not coping as well as they think we are?

gillybean2 · 08/07/2010 12:36

Because I've been knocked back so many times when I have asked for help.

My mum said she'd hd ds after school for me if I liked. I said great which day, any day is fine with me. She then says she'll let me know as she'll have to see what they are doing... And when he was first born she said that of course I should get a job straight away and that she'd take care of him as lots of her friends had their grandchildren. Fortunately I decided to turn down the job I was offered because they bought a house in NZ later that year and vanish off abroad for more than half the year every year.

And when I told one of my two closest friends a couple of years ago that I was feeling really down, to the point of suicidal even, she didn't contact me again for over two weeks, and then it was me that sent her the first text (as usual). She's no longer a friend I might add, but it took several more incidents till I figured out she wasn't there for support.

So no, I don't ask for help very often, because it just hurts all the more when you get knocked back when I only tend to ask when I am totally desperate anyhow!

elastamum · 08/07/2010 12:38

I think we find it hard to ask for help because if we do reach out it is often met by embarrasement rather than a genuine desire to engage. I remember giving a drunken confession to a good friend about how lonely I was one night - she has never mentioned it since!!! and she is a good and supportive friend even if she lives hours away.

I also get a lot of - 'are you going to so and sos?' from mums at schools. but I am never invited by any of them. Next time perhaps I should just say 'No of course not, as I am a single parent and as such never get an invite'. I wonder what they would say

FreakoidOrganisoid · 08/07/2010 12:40

Oh yes SAF the "why don't you go for a walk?" or go to the farm or soft play or whatever, I feel awful admitting it but it's just not that fun when it's you and two preschooolers without another adult to talk to/stop the 2 yr old escaping/take one to the toilet without having to drag the other away from playing. It is just hard work!

Queenofwhatever the fri meetup is hard for me to get to around preschool/dance lessons (am in w-s-m) but if there is ever a weekend one please give me a shout out