Well I finally got out today. Skidded down the lane heart in mouth. It's a zoo out there. Supermaket shelves nigh on empty of things like bread and milk and massive massive queues for the checkout.
Feel better for re-joining the real world briefly though.
My first post was misconstrued. Again. I think I should stop writing on here because it is always interpreted as me having a bash at LPs.
And it never is.
I suppose each LP is in a different position or at a different stage at dealing with it. So, for instance, Shineon you say you have been an LP on and off for nine years. I have been one for 18 months. You are probably much more settled and happy with it now than I am. I am still struggling with it.
Some LPs have no fiends nearby, some have no family nearby, some have neither nearby, some have both. Some have ex-ps on the scene a lot to help out, others don't, others have grief from ex-ps and erratic visits etc.
Some work some don't, some work full time some part time. I am stating the obvious here I know but being a LP is different for eveyone and just as some married couples struggle more than others, so some LPs definitely have a harder time of it than others.
It is not whingeing. It is a hard and difficult truth. I think I do find it harder than others. What is wrong with getting angry and upset about it all sometimes?
I am sure you will have an answer to flame me with - something to do with my tone or whatever.
But I have found being housebound with a 2 year old very trying -- and frightening actually. I have not been able to go to work so have lost money. I have no family. I have some great friends but my closest and dearest live 100s of miles away. As you know my H abandoned us totally and went abroad and is not in touch at all. He does not pay any maintenance and his family too have cut us off completely and ae nowhee near where we live anyway. Yes, these last two things are good in many respects...I don't have to deal with any shit from any of them. But it would have been better if Ex-h was helping to support us and was in my son's life, had him to stay for some nights etc.
I work five mornings a week cleaning until half two then pick up my son and bring him home. He sleeps, I wake him, make his tea and then we play/watch tv until it is bed-time.
I am no spring chicken and find it all knackering.
I do feel envious of couples and families on the tv news out sledging with their children or making snowmen etc. I get cross and feel crap because I feel I am not giving my son a decent family existence and I feel a terrible loss I suppose because I never wanted my H to run away - let alone run away to have sex with Thai prostitutes.
Ds is nuts about 'men' - he clings onto the childminder's husband and is starting to say 'daddy' and will eventually ask me about him.
I feel angry with my ex H for denying me so many things - a marriage, more children, a father for my son, a happy few years with a longed-for baby before he starts school instead of working all the time to keep a roof over our heads.
I am terrified of breaking a leg as I have no bloody idea who would help look after ds...so I wouldn't go sledging anyway.
I am much more afraid to take risks in my life in case I am unable to take care of him - so afraid of crashing the car, afraid of getting cancer, afraid afraid afraid.
Anger is born out of fear I think. The snow, the bitter cold and being iced in and scared of the heating bill, not being able to work, not having any family to speak to blah blah has made all the wories worse.
I expect and hope that this is normal. I don't think 18 months is that long to be an LP after being with ex-h for 7 years and have him disappear suddenly.
But what the fuck do I know? I will cheer up again and things will seem better again. I have booked a holiday even. But this last week has been ghastly and made me want to be married and dinking bubbly, sledging with my husband and our little boy and coming home to hot muffins.