Where have all the fit and interesting men gone part TWELVE

[lou33]

starts here

why would you bin off gymboy before asking about it?

he may well just have been checking mail or hiding a profile or something, talk to him before you dump him

are you on msn tongiht eve?

Yes brb!! lol

hello all - not much to report really on dating/man front.

Lou - sounds all good with lb

Eve - quite like the Scouse accent - sounds OK.
Was talking to a rl friend about moving to Lpool (her not me) - the Wirral is posh isn't it? Would like to go to visit esp as DS1 supports one of the teams there.

Well Samename is back but all a bit lukewarm from my perspective though hte is prob dealing with his dm and getting ready for work. I called him today because I thought he was due back yesterday but at lunchtime today was still at his dsis.

I am going to see how long it takes him to contact me now - prob can't see him for another two weeks anyway though. I do sometimes wonder what the point of it is really. Which I asked him to think about while he was away. But otoh I enjoy his company and we seem very compatible but tbh just can't see myself in a serious rship atm with anyone.

I like my independence and also when dcs are in meltdown like they have been for some of today would imagine that it would take a really special and tolerant man to put up with that and would only create problems IYWIM.

And I feel too scarred and battle weary from exh to go down that road again. And I think even though I know they are 'normal' dcs exh mindfuck has made me supersensitive to how they behave perhaps subconcsiouly I have absorbed his idea that they are dcs from hell. They aren't honest!!!

I do want 'something' though and tbh when I was at ds2s football match today it seems all the parents are two parent families (whereas with ds1s it was a mix of people and also some of the two parents only the mum came).

I felt a pang but not so much for having someone new with me but more that I picked such an oddball flake for my first dh when really the sort of man/rship I should have gone for was more of blokey family type man who actually appears to like DW. (Have a tiny v tiny crush on ds2s football manager (very unexpected)). Just seems like the sort I have just described.

Oddball flake btw expressed no interest whatsoever in coming along today despite it being about ten minutes drive from his house!! I do find that bizarre tbh but he only went to about two of ds1s so to be expected.

Oh and spent most of last night/morning awake as had an allergic reaction to something and got hives and swollen mouth. Have no idea what it was but nice to know that I was advisedby NHSDirect to sleep propped up in case tongue swell and I couldn't breathe. I make light of it but was actualy a bit worried as I was alone.

Sorry that turned into rather an essay.

Don't read the essay suppose in a nutshell what I'm trying to say is that I am too scared and scarred to enter into a new relationship. I couldn't face it going wrong and also how much it would mess up the dcs.

I have seen how they have been affected by exh meeting his new p so quickly and then them having two new half siblings.

SCL honestly your DC's are more resilient that you realise. If you want to then introduce him as mummy's friend and don't make it obvious you are intimate with him. You can do that if you want to, they will be OK with it, I'm sure.

Whether it's a step you want to take only you know that as I think you are protecting yourself just as much.

Hope I'm not speaking out of turn. You have been seeing him a while now.

scl - i dont see where the problem is in introducing samename.... you have been seeing him a long enough now.... there's no need to worry about introducing too early to your dc.... did you not meet him at the start of this year?.. was it feb or easter....... bloody norrah, you are def not introdusing them too quick now... xmas is around the corner and then you will be hitting the 1 yr mark and you still haven't seen how he is with dc.

i dont see the problem introducing them either.. purely as a friend so you can guage their reaction.

him and kids may get on like a house on fire, or there may be a few kinks and you will have to work on the situation.

i vote you get started on this before xmas(have you seen the decorations are already in shops ....)..... as i think it would be lovely if you could include samename in your xmas celebrations.

I don't have a problem with introducing him or any male friends tbh. In fact I think it should be done with as little fuss and ceremony.

However I don't get any sense from him that he wants to meet them - I've suggested it several times but haven't made an issue of it.

It's what may follow that seems problematic to me. And what comes up is that I just don't think I want a serious realtionship at the moment.

just think I don't want....

can't think about Xmas yet I hate it!
grumpy old woman emoticon

Still thinking about this - just thinking it should poss be more natural IYKWIM

i do know exactly what you mean. with previous people i've seen it's been really easy to keep it seperate as seems a big obstacle.i wouldn't even be comfortable with them staying over and being hidden like irish was at wkd. it seemed perfectly acceptable and wasn't uncomfortable for either.

suppose thats how it should be really.

inthemist, asbm, ninah.. and the others where dc have met... was it natural and just kind of happened. or planned meeting?

I can just recall on my experiences in the past of course.

Because I didn't have the usual every other weekend scenario I would have to introduced bf's to DD when she was little as I would never have seen them otherwise. She was much more accepting when she was younger and I was also careful to have her included sometimes, e.g we would go to kiddy friendly places for a meal and often take the bf's kid/kids with us.

She remembers a couple of them so hope I haven't scarred her with numerous 'uncles'.

It has been harder since she got older, she doesn't like having bf's stopping over. It's just getting to the stage where I am hoping I can spend time at theirs but it's still not something I can do regularly. Just wondering how I can see my new date if it progresses.

xp met DS on his insistence about 6 weeks into things - which tbh I wouldn't have done. then towards the end he was seeing him perhaps once or twice a week, and had stayed once on the sofa with DS around. I wasn't happy at all about him being with DS every other weekend as I wanted time with DS on my own and also I wasn't happy within the relationship with XP. While it was great that he realised DS & I come as a package deal he was just seeing us as a 3 and not he/I as a 2 first if that makes sence. Either way the relationship went on for 6 months longer than it prob should have done - this is because I had introduced him to DS, I wanted to try and make it work for his sake but at the end of the day I couldn't shake my own resistance off iycwim. so in that respect I think you should do what feels right with you.

if/when I introduce DS again it will be a lot lot slower, take me longer to do & also once i'm 110% sure on the person. DS is still asking for XP now by name to see him. so far i've said no he's not mummys friend anymore and is now a stranger - prob the wrong thing to say but I don't know what else to say. All along my fear was that he would have abandonment issues as a result - ie his dad left then XP left iycwim. he has consistent male influences but i'm determined it won't be happening again. NS seemed happy when I told him in brief what went on with XP re DS and my thoughts on the situation - we've not discussed it at length but so far we seem to be coming from the same place. anyhoo. I should think at the year mark would be when i'd consider things again - and think if it's gonna be going somewhere etc.

xmas - i'm soooooo not thinking about that yet!

sin - tbh go with whatever suits you. you have to do what you think is right for you & the kids, ie kids are tough, it's ok for you to have a life/people to stay etc if it's what you want. re your ex and the mind fuck - you know deep down who/what your kids are - you know if they're bad 'uns, which i'm sure they're not. your X is a twat in the highest order to blame helpless kids tbh.

Hope everyone else is OK today.

am childless tonight so hoping to see NS - am thinking about telling him i'm ready for the next step, but not sure just yet, might hang on for a bit longer yet as I don't like change!

(sorry should have said once or twice a month not week)

SB, what's the next step?

going 'official' but as i'm not 100% it would suggest not - then again i'm not 100% cos I don't want official to mean living in each others pockets and being taken for granted!

SB - being official doesn't mean you should change ur pattern of seeing someone. just really means your going to be exclusive.. well in my book anyway.

its interesting to see that where you weren't feeling comfotable with your ex meeting it turned out to be the wrong relationship.

i wonder if the others where its working out for them felt similar or were comfortable from early on and it just seemed natural.

also.... how much weight do you lot put on what a person aims for the future are. for example... if you were seeing someone and you both had different aims for long term goals... or indeed very similar aims.. would this affect your opinion and view on a relationship?

yes I think so in a lot of ways - I was seeing someone for a couple of months who made it clear he didn't want kids - I do/did, so basically that was that really.

yes as you say I wonder if those where it's been more natural have known right away it's been more of the right relationship. A key thing for me on why it wasn't right was his lack of interest in finding work/even attempting to show that he wanted to be a part of the 'family unit' as it were - he wanted me ot do everything/provide everything while he just stayed in played with DS and did the occasional washing up. While that might be good in some respects, I don't want to be the main bread winner of a relationship, and prefer to have an equal.

does anyone else feel like their day has just flashed by and nothing has been achieved?

all i seem to have to show for it is an emptier tank of petrol

I've done the washing and went for a coffee with my sis. That's about it.

I would put a lot of weight on similar goals. I've started relationships in the past and the've ended because the guy had different values to myself. e.g a couple of younger ones who wanted children and one who wasted money on material things.

This is why I've been hanging around on POF, trying to meet someone who ticks a lot of boxes rather than the ones I meet on a face 2 face basis who usually turn out with lots of negatives.

not just children though is it.... i find it important where you plan to be settled.

i'm still enjoying the ability to travel again.and really dont ever want to give up disappearing every couple of months to somewhere random.

and i'm not particularly bothered where i end up settled in the future. but some people have firm views about settling in foreign climates, or not moving away from their birthplace

or retiring on a pittance.. simply as too lazy to continue working to enjoy your older years.

tbh the rest of the stuff i'm not bothered by at all.

am a bit dispointed now as NS has said he's got to revise tonight for an interview he has on thurs - but it's a 10 min presentation on his job so I understand could have used a hug but guess i'll just see him up the gym as promised (in shorts!)

he did ask me some quite hard questions thou, and upset me a bit by presuming what my answer would be, but ho hum. He did want to know what I thought of him, but said I wasn't prepared to talk about it over the phone. but that if we worked we did if we didn't we didn't. (basiclaly he's applying for new jobs which are so far winchester poole and swindon) - we're portsmouth so it would mean him moving. but as I said - and not sure if it was right or wrong, take me out of the equation and go with where you think you'll be happiest/have the best opportunities. also added that as X was forces I would consider moving about to follow someone elses career again but it would take a lot for me to up root DS. And also that in 6 months time he might think ewwww ugly!!! when he sees me to which he laughed and said no as if I like u which is why i'm seeing you - think that's a good thing?!?

basically as I say said go with what you want and either way will respect your choice (don't have much choice really anyhow and will support it) - is this a let down gently or is it a likes me but is genuinely confused as he claims?

should also add he also said he was gutted couldn't come over later & felt like he was letting me down by doing the presentation.

he's specifically has asked you to find out how you feel about him..

tell him the bloody truth.

yes you like him
rather alot
and would like to see more of him, but take time with ds being introduced.

stop arsing about with a "meh" response.

yes.. it is his choice.. but he's asking your input as he obviously would like you to be part of the equation.

right. telling to over... i could be completely wrong and you dont give a toss about where he goes or what he does... but i think you do.

how long is it you have been seeing him again?