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Original poster

Think I may have put him off by making it sound like hard work

157 replies

wintercitylover · 15/01/2009 12:39

Very basic internet dating issue.

Been chatting to guy online (he is single but 40ish) he asked to meet so fine I said ok when and where? He came back with a day.

I realise (due to my limited availability) that I prob should have suggested a day and time etc

Cos I then replied backsaying not easy to meet in the weekday evenings because would have to get babysitter, could do lunchtimes in the week, or every other sat. Blah Blah Bit like in those 80s films when people said I will find you a window!!

Finishing up with a jokey bit about well if that hasn't put you off

Thing is it prob has hasn't it? he's read the mail thought omg how complicated and run for the hills (as we on mumsnet like to say).

Shame cos it was instant attraction on my part. Suppose if he is really interested it wouldn't put him off.

Anyway he's not he only iron I have in the fire (lol) and I have similar probs with the other trying to meet up. It's not that easy.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 16/01/2009 21:51

oh god that must be hard
do you ever think about exbf when you go out with other men
that's almost well practically the same thing as having a LDR
looks like its in potential new bloke's court now, you've shown interest without appearing too keen
hope he comes back to you with a date

Original poster
wintercitylover · 16/01/2009 21:58

hmm yes unfortunately I think about him almost constantly. He has drawn me in emotionally in various ways.

What we have is fun and good when he is there or in contact but when he isn't it's not good.

Yes I can control my thoughts but I do find it amazing that someone can have such an effect on you!

But life goes on - I am aware it's short and I just try to make the best of it.

And all this is secondary really to the DCS, work and day to day living.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 16/01/2009 22:26

yes dcs and day to day living come first always
but it is difficult with these other thoughts
i have experienced a similar thing but not to the same extent or depths and i found it awful
do you think it is having an effect on meeting other men?
in my own case i think i treated other man as a bit of fun almost a laugh if i'm honest
and he did pick up on it and i was left regretting my attitude/actions

Original poster
wintercitylover · 17/01/2009 19:43

Yes it's not easy when you have to carry on as normal with DCs and hide emotions about this sort of thing is it?

I don't know if other men pick up on it - certainly not virtually I don't think. Have only really been on a couple of dates a while ago and didn't really spark with either of them so it wasn't an issue.

I suppose the acid test will be if I met someone and things progressed a bit. How I would feel about that I don't know and would it be fair to new man etc but I will cross that bridge when I come it.

Guy I was texting yesterday has not been in touch but is online (alot). I am on and off the site. Have sort of got used to that really. You have to be tough for this sort of thing. I think I am pretty tough and cynical really, unfortunately.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 17/01/2009 20:39

yes it is sad in a sense that you do have to be tough and cynical
but in our case its all very much self preservation isn't it?
but the whole dating thing can get horribly out of hand even if you do go into it with your eyes wide open and a taking it all with a pinch of salt attitude
i'm taking it that he hasn't contacted you via the site?
i think that he is merely keeping his options open
alot of men/women do this with internet dating
and you are perfectly entitled to do the same thing

ninah · 18/01/2009 20:45

any news wcl? Hope you have heard something. But I think you should be upfront and if you want to meet him say so, hope to see you soon is a bit vague really, sounds like you are both skirting the issue in case of rejection on some level. I think with internet stuff because you don't know the people well you just have to be totally upfront and say what you want, perhaps in a less subtle way than you would do with someone you knew better. Though the older I get the blunter I become and I'm finding I really prefer knowing where I am, even if it's not where I want to be, rather than endlessly imagining/worrying.
And as for recurring thoughts and emotions about an exbf inhibiting new relationship/poss new relationship they are bound to, cos they leave you switched on to the old and off to the new. imo.

Original poster
wintercitylover · 18/01/2009 22:41

Yes he has emailed me today. But I didn't see it until quite recently as I have been busy so have just emailed him back.

We have both said that we would like to meet up (before all this- in fact I suggested it) but perhaps I need to pin him down some more tho now I am not really available for another couple of weeks, unless he can do lunch. Not clear whether he works in central London or in his local area.

I do have a couple of other dates lined up week after next. one daytime one and the other evening so I will get a bbysitter but can't afford to do that v often.

The thing abt exbf is that it could take ages for thoughts of him to leave so the only way I can see what its like is to go out and see how it feels.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 19/01/2009 00:55

wcl without wishing to seem negative be careful
at some point things could become complicated for you despite your best intentions

Original poster
wintercitylover · 19/01/2009 10:10

In what way? I would not intend to see several men at once in a long term sort of way, nor could I sleep with more than one man at a time that's not what I am planning and also would not have the time or energy!

However I don't think there is anything wrong with lining up a few dates. I'm out of practice for one thing and as you know you can go on a date and then you never see that person again, you might not like them and they you. At this stage you owe each other nothing except politeness and manners.

But if you meant something else then do tell.

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 19/01/2009 11:02

yes politeness and manners is essential IMO
what i mean is that you might meet a man and then you are put in that horrible situation where you are forced to choose
this will really hit you hard

Original poster
wintercitylover · 19/01/2009 11:22

Ok I see what you mean. Hmmm have never been in that position suppose if it did come to that then I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

As regard exbf if he does get back in touch and wants to see me I plan to tell him that I can't see him any more under current terms and that he should only get in touch if he wants me properly.

Cos at the moment he has me at his beck and call and it can't continue.

OP posts:
Original poster
wintercitylover · 19/01/2009 11:25

sort of thought they will weed themselves out bit like Darwins theory of natural selection!!!

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 19/01/2009 11:31

i think you're doing the right thing
otherwise you can't move on and enjoy life
and like i was will be forever wondering
i've promised myself that i must be strong and not continue to dwell on things too much
and like the reference to Darwin

Original poster
wintercitylover · 19/01/2009 11:52

Yeah well even if I tell him that I bet I will still be wondering if he is ever going to come good.

I have told him this once before and then caved in but as time wears on I become more resolute.

can't believe how long he has been under my skin - in varying degrees since 1990 (aaargh)

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 19/01/2009 12:02

poor you thats hard
mine wasn't that bad but did hurt
but because i couldnt see past it all
i missed out on the chance of a relationship with a really nice man
the other man has also done a disappearing act which is noble of him
so it is finished as far as i'm concerned
thou he wont find out til he crawls back out of the woodwork
expecting to pick up where he left off lol!

Original poster
wintercitylover · 19/01/2009 12:09

why do they do that ? (disappearing act)

Is one of these your LDR - bit confused.

OP posts:
lou33 · 19/01/2009 12:17

i reckon you should just ask him if he is free to meet you for lunch one day in the week, making sure he knows he has to meet you on your patch where you feel safe

aseriouslyblondemoment · 19/01/2009 12:20

yes
the horrible thing is that for all i know he could be dead
and i would never find out
its caused me terrible stress and worry
and generally interfered with my day to day living
i have just recently broken out of the cycle
hes yet to find out
dont want to end it by text etc as would rather do it in person
he hasnt meant to purposefully put me thru it but he has and i couldnt carry on
he has lots of personal stuff at the moment
which he is finding hard to deal with
and i realised that he needed space
but i couldnt be left in limbo

Original poster
wintercitylover · 19/01/2009 13:20

SBM -confession - I sometimes check the online news of the area exbf lives in to see whether he is OK because as you say you don't know whether they are alive or dead. his job is not dangerous per se but the nature of it means he is more likely to have an accident. How mad is that?

lou - was that to me and do you mean the initial guy I was talking about. Yes lunch would be best and ideally in the week near to my work - I think he works in central London. Otherwise the area he lives in is very familiar to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
wintercitylover · 19/01/2009 13:21

PS good name for the mumsnet dating site would be 'Natural Selection'.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 19/01/2009 13:30

do you know have never thought of that
but would no doubt have added to my worries lol!
i know for my own sanity that i'm best out of it so have moved on and feel tons better!!
just hope that i dont end up posting an update on here along the lines of...
'he came back and couldnt see why id moved on..'
and yes that name sounds fab!!

lou33 · 19/01/2009 14:31

yes wcl to you

Original poster
wintercitylover · 19/01/2009 17:24

SBM - I think with this stuff esp the ones that go silent/the ones that got away I try best to remain philosophical about it all - easier said than done I know.

I veer from consoling myself with trite little phrases - such as que sera, if it's meant to be it won't pass you by to feeling like a petulant child - ie it's so unfair that I can't have who I want/the person I think I fit so well with!

Lou - when I find out where he works I will aim for the lunch date. I think that takes some of the pressure off both parties. And as I don't usually take a lunch break a chance to get out of the office.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 19/01/2009 17:26

well guess its over to MN Towers then....

aseriouslyblondemoment · 19/01/2009 17:35

wcl sorry posted before id seen yours
yes can see where you're coming from
if it is that then i'm glad as he's saved me a job
i bottled it last time i saw him tbh as felt sorry for him!!
but i know that i'll hear from him again as he recently got upset about my perceived lack of contact
oh dear maybe i should start toughening up lol