Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Would you bother to have a relationship with someone who you knew wouldn't ever take on your kids ??

303 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 26/08/2008 20:53

Just wondering about this because of my other thread.

I don't expect any bloke I meet to launch into dad mode and promise to be there for me and my children for all eternity, but at the same time, I don't see the point of starting anything with a bloke who catergorically states that he doesn't want to take on another mans kids.

How about you ?

OP posts:
lostdad · 27/08/2008 06:55

No.

I've already binned at least one potential relationship after being told my intention to be a committed father to my son is proof that I have refused to `move on'.

Because it's not `manly' of me refusing to forget my son is it?

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 07:43

AbbeyA - I don't buy your argument, that a stepparent is not "committed" (I am a very committed stepmother) because he/she doesn't view a parent-and-child(ren) as a "package". No human beings come "packaged" with others - we all different, with different family relationships.

hecate · 27/08/2008 08:18

cinema, meal out, bit of sex, etc - yes. Keep the 2 separate! Nothing worse than a revolving door and a different 'uncle' every week.

relationship - no. kids come first. Any man who couldn't take on my kids would not be someone I could build a life with - because a huge part of my life IS my kids.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 08:38

I disagree strongly Anna, a dependant child most definitely comes as a package with their parent. If you meet a man with children his first responsibility are to them. He has a history that doesn't include you and you can't expect to have a fresh beginning with him. You are not the mother and you may have to work at your relationship with his children, but if you want the man you have to work at the relationship, however difficult. If you go on to have your own children with him you will feel differently about them but you have to treat them the same.
Everyone has different family relationships but everyone has to put the child before themselves. You chose the new relationship-the child didn't.
I wouldn't have gone on to have more children with my DH2 if I thought for one minute that he would treat them differently, or resent paying for the upkeep of my first son or would expect to treat him any differently in a will. Luckily it has all worked out well and he always talks about our three sons.All sets of grandparents treat them the same.They are one family.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 08:44

I would also think very carefully about marrying someone if his parents weren't going to treat my DS1 the same as their natural grandchildren. I can't imagine a Christmas where they could come and ignore DS1 in the present giving or give him a present of lesser value.

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 08:54

I think that, on the contrary, it is incredibly important that a child knows who his/her grandparents (and aunts, and uncles, and cousins) are. It would be wildly unfair to my daughter were my parents to treat my stepsons the way they treat my daughter - and my stepsons would be very uncomfortable with that situation. My parents are not their grandparents - they have their own grandparents.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 08:58

Of course they know who their grandparents etc are from an early age-the joy of it is that they get extra ones to love.
Are you saying Anna that you are happy to have your step sons around and they have to watch while your parents lavish attention on your DD and have no sensitivity to the fact that they have step grandchildren?

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 09:00

You are using emotive language that is not descriptive of the situation as it really is.

My stepsons obviously don't have the cuddly relationship that my daughter does with my parents - it would be cruel and inappropriate to expect them to behave with my parents the way my daughter does. My stepsons love going to my parents' house btw - I take them there without my partner. But they call my parents by their first name and do not for one minute think of them as grandparents.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 09:03

I suppose that everyone does it differently but I wouldn't have let my DS have a step parent who doesn't see that they have 3 children.

FAQ · 27/08/2008 09:03

I think that's really sad - they are now part of your family (by virtue of you marrying their father) - and I see no reason why children can't have several sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. As children grow older they are more than capable of understanding that Granny 1 and 2 are their "biological/natural/whatever you want to call them" Granny's and Granny 3 and 4 they "gained" after you married their father.

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 09:04

Come to think of it, my stepsons actually have a much better relationship with my mother than with their own maternal grandmother (whom they despise greatly). But their grandmother does the grandmotherly things (like babysit for them) that my mother wouldn't do for them - it would be highly inappropriate to leave my mother in sole charge of my stepsons overnight.

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 09:05

FAQ - read my posts. There is nothing sad at all about the relationship. It is just not a grandparental one - and that is healthy.

FAQ · 27/08/2008 09:07

why would it be wholly inappropriate to leave your mother in sole charge overnight??

Even if we suppose that both you and your mother don't see your stepsons as "family" - it's not any different with leaving them with close friends overnight is it??

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 27/08/2008 09:08

see I don't see how it's inappropriate - but then i'm of the view as I say treat the same or not at all, incl grandparents - which to be fair I hadn't thought of but it's the same.

I'm not sure i'd want DS to call any respective other parents grandma etc, but then again he knows who his 'real' grandparents are, but the choice will be his when he's old enough if he wants to call them nan etc.

one thing I do have thou as does XH that we are the only ones to be called mum/dad, DS has one of each and he knows who it is - I wouldn't let any other man be called daddy by ds, and likewise if XH did let anyone be called mummy by ds I would go mad. (and I know XH would go mad as well at the daddy bit)

then again thou you don't have to call the person grandma/daddy/grandad etc to be treated the same as the rest.

FAQ · 27/08/2008 09:09

blimey - my parents had elderly friends (one still alive) who always treated me as her grandchild (she had only one son and no other family) she knew I wasn't her granddaughter, I knew she wasn't really my grandmother - but the delight she got from treating me as one was immense.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 09:11

Why ever would it be inappropriate? Before we even married and had more children we left DS1 overnight with my future PIL.
DH1's parents have looked after them all overnight.DH1's parents,DH2's parents and my parents all get on well. It is much easier for the DCs.

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 09:12

FAQ - it would be inappropriate because it would be exploitation of my mother. Come on

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 09:13

DS one calls his step father by his first name. Everyone know exactly who their blood relations are-it is just nice that they get extra.

FAQ · 27/08/2008 09:13

lol - oh ok then - if it's exploiting your mother that's ok

I've left my 3 DS's overnight with my 20yr old babysitter

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 09:13

How can it be exploitation of your mother?

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 27/08/2008 09:14

exactly FAQ -I have elderly neighbours the same - and nans friends as you say, then again without turning this to a north v south divide thing, I know XH never had that with his step mums family, nor did he have it with friends of grandparents.

might be his family is different to mine, but likewise mines very close, so would accept anyone's (in fact they have) children in ant treat them as normal, as I do with my 'step' cousins.

XH is northern and a bit 'stiff' (no pun intended) i'm southern and not - something in it?? beau is also southern and thinks the same as I do.

FAQ · 27/08/2008 09:16

now that's funny Spandex - because I'm northern - and the friends of my parents were all Yorkshire born and bred

DP is also a yorkshire man and thinks the same way (although I have finally convinced him that when we go and stay at his tonight if the boys are doing something he doesn't want them to do he can tell them to stop doing it lol)

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 09:16

AbbeyA - I'm getting bored with this...

I think you need to think a little bit harder about family relationships. You really cannot expect non-family members to "behave as family" to suit your needs because your family situation is complicated (albeit through absolutely no fault of your own). That's rather too high-maintenance demanding

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 27/08/2008 09:18

lol. ah XH is a yorkshire man (bradford) as well so can't use that excuse!

tbh I think it's cos his family are a little 'stiff' - lovely ddon't get me wrong (at times - well can be! lol) but a bit 'stiff'

zippitippitoes · 27/08/2008 09:18

i had this experience with my exdp..he had a very close relastionship with my ds from age 11 and ds dad moved oversease

they got on great

but then exp left admittedly when ds was 19 but he did it the day ds went away to stay with his dad for the summer

ok hurting me but i was angry at him for being such a coward to ds

he was the other side of the world and his dad had to tell him exp had left and have him crying to come home to be with me

and he has made no attempt to see any of the children or dgs whom he he actually looked after as a baby since he left

tho he has given ds a lift in his taxi a couple of times

i am shocked at how easily he walkde away and i thought we were a family for 8 years

but then dads walk away too