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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Would you bother to have a relationship with someone who you knew wouldn't ever take on your kids ??

303 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 26/08/2008 20:53

Just wondering about this because of my other thread.

I don't expect any bloke I meet to launch into dad mode and promise to be there for me and my children for all eternity, but at the same time, I don't see the point of starting anything with a bloke who catergorically states that he doesn't want to take on another mans kids.

How about you ?

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 27/08/2008 15:17

but the op was about finding out what other households do

as is mn mostly

and the vast majority of people are talking about a monogamous love relationship

if they werent then it wouldnt matter what the guy was like with kids

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 15:22

If you are talking about a one night stand it doesn't matter in the least what he is like with the children.
If it is a long term relationship then they don't want to feel like guests in their own home-they want to be treated like the other DCs in the family.

Swedes · 27/08/2008 15:25

My DP thinks it's an "honour to be an important part of my sons' lives". I think that's how it should be.

batters · 27/08/2008 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 15:30

That is how I view it Swedes, and luckily so do the rest of the family. I get the impression that a lot of step parents would rather have the partner without the baggage.

WideWebWitch · 27/08/2008 16:00

agree swedes. and with abbeya

WideWebWitch · 27/08/2008 16:00

agree swedes. and with abbeya

ElenorRigby · 27/08/2008 16:03

My word Anna you really have had your work cut out on this thread!
I wholeheartedly with the vast majority that you and Areyouthere posted.
I have similar relationship with my DP's DD, I care for her very very much, want the best for her, do lots for her, buy lots for her BUT DP doesnt expect me to do/buy anything for her, everything I do is voluntary. DP strongely feels as do I, that she is the joint responsibility of her biological mother and father, they planned her birth and brought her into the world.
I however as has been outlined already have no parental responsibility and no rights where DP's DD is involved, legally I might as well be a stranger.
I worry that if DP died, I and our DD (half sister), would not be able to see DP's DD if her mother wanted to stop it.

nooka · 27/08/2008 16:11

I can see where some of Anna's thoughts are coming from, but I do think it depends on the child and the circumstances. My aunt died when my cousin was very young and my uncle then remarried. My cousin was my best friend when I grew up, and her family (her dad went on to have five more children) were very much our family. She had three sets of grandparents, and they were very much a blended family. Interestingly her dad had a much older son, but as he lived with his mum in another country did not feature much in our lives. I am sure that there were difficulties (I do remember my cousin yelling "you're not my mum" at my poor aunt in some family quarrel) but they are a very close family, and if you didn't know the circumstances I am sure you would assume that there were no "complications". I just thought she was lucky having extra family! I expect that it was easier because there was no animosity, just grief to build on.

My brother on the other hand has had two step families, and both have some difficulties with integrating. With his first family the children were relatively old (something like 8 and 12, I think) and their mum was very protective. It was difficult to treat them like family or develop an "autiesh" relationship. My parents weren't great at being grandparents to them either, although that might have changed if my brother had got married (very traditional, my parents). However the children never really settled with us, I think because we are a very very different (and quite daunting) family. Neither had a dad on the scene. With his new partner it has been easier because she is more open to developing relationships, I think. But his new step child, although he has been in her life for several years (and she is quite young) is very careful about him being NOT her dad (she has a dad who is quite actively involved in her life). Maybe it would be easier if they got married and then he was her step dad (a more defined term). Interestingly she seems more interested in the idea of my children (who are the same age) being extra cousins.

I do think that step families are complicated and have to be handled very carefully. Mostly to support and care for the children in the middle who need to feel loved and secure. There are probably quite a few models that work depending on the individuals and the circumstances.

LittleDorrit · 27/08/2008 16:25

I am quite shocked and angered by some of the comments on this thread. Even leaving aside the comments about love and affection for step-children (or rather the lack of it !), how can anyone say that they would not be financially responsible for their partners' children from a previous relationship? How is that supposed to work in practice??? Imagine the scene: shopping for clothes - DC1, we are going to have to buy your clothes at Primark, because your daddy does not contribute enough to afford anything better. DC2, we are going to buy your clothes at John Lewis, because your daddy earns more than DC1's daddy and he can afford it. DC1 is going to the local school with the bad Ofsted report, while DC2 is going to a well respected private school.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 16:35

You show that it is possible to have integrated families,nooka, I think that what it shows is that it is possible if all adults work together -the parents in the new relationship are the ones that need to try the hardest.
LittleDorrit brings up practical problems, of course the new partner must be financially responsible for the children from the previous relationship.
Not long ago on here there was a woman marrying a man who suggested that the children from the first marriage didn't attend the wedding!!!She had also been shocked at the travel agent when they went to book a holiday and found that he was intending to take only their natural shared daughter and not his 2 step children!! Most people advised her to call off the wedding.
I don't see how you can have a situation where one DC has their education paid for and the others don't!

thumbwitch · 27/08/2008 16:38

I am really getting quite cross about some of the crass stuff on this thread now.

My sister has 3 daughters, the eldest one is a stepdaughter, whom she has cared for as though she were her own since her own mother fecked off and left her when she was 7 mo.

Perhaps shs should not consider her as one of the family? Perhaps she should treat her differently from her own 2 daughters? (They all have the same dad btw)

I think not. And I think that one poster in particular on this thread is coming across as a coldly too-logical person whose depth of feelings could easily be called into question by what she has been posting here. I am not going to get into a discussion about this, I just wanted to make my feelings known.

nooka · 27/08/2008 16:41

It is possible, but it doesn't always happen. I suspect that the situation of one child going to private school might well have happened with my nephew and his step siblings, as my parents would almost certainly have offered to pay for his schooling. His step siblings were much older and their education did not work out well. Luckily the situation didn't arise. But you do have to bear in mind that if the step children don't warm to the new family, then it is difficult for the new family to bond.

AreyoutherecoditsmeMargaret · 27/08/2008 16:41

thats a bit ridiculous LD......

why should I contribute financially to a child I did not create and have no responsibility for?

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 16:56

Because you chose a man who had responsibilities Areyouthere, those responsibilities come before a new partner. If you didn't want to contribute then you should have walked away from the relationship.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 16:56

LittleDorrit · 27/08/2008 16:58

It's hardly ridiculous.
I guess the kind of people who think it's ridiculous are the ones who even when married will keep separate bank accounts and consider that any money they earn is "their money".
When you enter a marriage or partnership with someone who already has children then I am afraid those children are part of the whole package.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 17:13

I think that if my DH had ever suggested that we paid for the education of our joint children and not his stepson I would have been so livid, I wouldn't have been able to speak!
Luckily, he has never considered treating them differently in any way.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 17:14

I think I made a good choice of DH!

zippitippitoes · 27/08/2008 19:26

actually if you are living with someone then their income becomes household income so like it or not the y take on your kids becaus eif they go to uni they will be named on the student loan forms

in england anyway

ElenorRigby · 27/08/2008 19:44

Hmm it seems very presumptuous and arrogant to me to impose views that are a "my size fits all scenario's"

mistressmiggins · 27/08/2008 20:11

When I met DP, within a few months, we introduced the children but acted as if we were just friends.
It was important to me to see how he acted around my DCS.

It went fine & so he didnt see them again until we felt our relationship was serious.

He is about to move in with me with his own DD. I am not going to be her mother as she sees her regularly BUT I will be paying for her financially as DP will be contributing towards my 2 DCS.

Dp gets no money from his ex. I get maintenance for my DCS but doesnt cover everything. We accept that we will be a family of 5 paying for everything and our respective exPs will see them alternate weekends.

Personally I couldnt do it any other way and we have fought to provide a stable home for all 3 kids.

I am the mum & do "mum" things. DP will do "dad" things. Old fashioned maybe but works for us.

nooka · 27/08/2008 20:41

MM I'm glad that things are going well for you. Hope all works out well with your new family

WideWebWitch · 27/08/2008 21:14

Good for you MM, you can see which side of the fence I'm on and I think you're doing the right thing. Good luck!

mistressmiggins · 27/08/2008 22:51

would like to add that children see things differently from adults
my DS(6) asked if we were getting married, and sees DP moving in as not so much a committment as if we marry.
this is my view on life - I believe in marriage - mine didnt work out cos my exH had an affair....as did DPs. I believe in marriage and will one day get married again to DP.
All 3 DCS are looking forward to this day

one thing I would like to say is that being a parent is tough; being a step parent is even harder....but it can work if you all work at it

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