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Original poster

Would you bother to have a relationship with someone who you knew wouldn't ever take on your kids ??

303 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 26/08/2008 20:53

Just wondering about this because of my other thread.

I don't expect any bloke I meet to launch into dad mode and promise to be there for me and my children for all eternity, but at the same time, I don't see the point of starting anything with a bloke who catergorically states that he doesn't want to take on another mans kids.

How about you ?

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 26/08/2008 21:25

I couldn't live like that. My stepsons have two parents and three grandparents and all five of them contribute financially to their lives; my daughter has two parents and four grandparents, two in common with my stepsons, and all six of them contribute financially to her life. That is family.

My stepsons are not my family. If my partner dies before me they will inherit 33% of his assets - even forcing me out of my family home. I need to protect myself and my daughter financially, not just stick all the money in some kind of joint pot.

Anna8888 · 26/08/2008 21:26

I couldn't live like that. My stepsons have two parents and three grandparents and all five of them contribute financially to their lives; my daughter has two parents and four grandparents, two in common with my stepsons, and all six of them contribute financially to her life. That is family.

My stepsons are not my family. If my partner dies before me they will inherit 33% of his assets - even forcing me out of my family home. I need to protect myself and my daughter financially, not just stick all the money in some kind of joint pot.

Anna8888 · 26/08/2008 21:26

I couldn't live like that. My stepsons have two parents and three grandparents and all five of them contribute financially to their lives; my daughter has two parents and four grandparents, two in common with my stepsons, and all six of them contribute financially to her life. That is family.

My stepsons are not my family. If my partner dies before me they will inherit 33% of his assets - even forcing me out of my family home. I need to protect myself and my daughter financially, not just stick all the money in some kind of joint pot.

Aimsmum · 26/08/2008 21:27

Message withdrawn

Anna8888 · 26/08/2008 21:28

Aimsmum - I am a very devoted stepmother. But I want some money to live on in my old age and a roof over my head.

WideWebWitch · 26/08/2008 21:29

Anna, you don't consider your stepsons your family? I find that quite shocking.

My dh most certainly does consider ds his family and vice versa. Equally, my ex dh and his mother and sister (who stayed here and looked after both children when we went away recently) consider themselves part of our family, as do I. Dd knows ex dh as part of our family as he's ds's father (and is v involved and around).

Blimey, how sad to be talking about them getting 33% of the assets if your dh dies. Surely that's fair enough?

KerryMum · 26/08/2008 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 26/08/2008 21:30

Anna, could you get a job if you value your financial independence? It seems sad to be worrying about stepsons inheritance leading to your potential homelessness at some point.

Aimsmum · 26/08/2008 21:31

Message withdrawn

KerryMum · 26/08/2008 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anna8888 · 26/08/2008 21:33

I have a job, WWW .

LittleBella · 26/08/2008 21:33

I think there's a difference in the financial dynamic, if it is the mother who is the parent in common, rather than the father, and the child's main home is with the mother and SF. It is obviously a different set up when it's the father who is the parent in common and the child lives most of the time with his mother.

What would happen if your SC's mother died Anna and your SC's had to come and live with you full time? The dynamic of the family, including the financial one, would change completely.

KerryMum · 26/08/2008 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 26/08/2008 21:34

Oh Gawd (in answer to OP) if I spilt with DH nobody in their right mind would EVER take on me and my baggage (kids! mainly DS2!)- there's not a man out there who would do it!! SO YES, I'd bloody well have to get by on a series of cheap shags for the rest of my life! (If those are "relationships" )

Anna8888 · 26/08/2008 21:36

I would be absolutely loopy to support my stepsons financially. That doesn't mean I cannot do masses for them (and I do, far more than their mother in any practical sense).

But this thread isn't about me, it's about the theory. And I actually think that mothers who are looking for second husbands ought not to expect those second husbands to support their offspring. What about the biological father? Why isn't he supporting his own children?

solidgoldbrass · 26/08/2008 21:37

THere's no single definition of 'relationship' though. It's perfectly feasible to have a light, no-strings, amicable arrangement with someone that goes on for years: you would be right to expect them to be civil to your DC should they briefly meet (ie collecting you from home or something) but it isn't the case that because you have shagged someone more than 5 times you always have to start making plans to set up home with them.

Pinkchampagne · 26/08/2008 21:37

Lol @ Shiny! I have days where I feel that way too!

FAQ · 26/08/2008 21:38

SHPHH - you never know - my new DP is about to start a new job with young adults with diagnosis of complex Autism Spectrum Disorders (having worked in care work for 20 odd years including jobs working with children with various SN's) - so not all men would be completely adverse to taking on cchildren that have SN.

Mind you many would argue that my DP isn't in his right mind (in general - not talking about his line of work)

Anna8888 · 26/08/2008 21:38

LittleBella - actually, the dynamic of the family wouldn't change much in the situation you describe as my stepsons would inherit from their (very rich) mother.

expatinscotland · 26/08/2008 21:39

No

LittleBella · 26/08/2008 21:39

I admire the energy and organisational skills of all of those of you who would be willing to try it only for casual shags. It just all sounds so organisationally trying. I vaguely remember being young and prepared to climb Mount Snowdon if there was the possibility of a shag at the top of it, but now, if it clashes with an exciting episode of the Archers, I just can't be arsed.

In fact, even the prospect of a serious, profound and worthwhile relationship sounds a bit of an effort...

WideWebWitch · 26/08/2008 21:39

I;m not suggesitng that biological fathers shouldn't support their children, not at all. But when a child lives in a family part of the deal is, for me, that that child is supported financially. So we do have to have a buigger house because we have 2 children, dh#2 couldn;t just say "Well I only have ONE child so your child doesn't need a room/heating/etc etc"

Anna8888 · 26/08/2008 21:39

WWW - you might find it "shocking" that I don't consider my stepsons family but in law we have absolutely no relationship. And nothing we could do legally can ever change that.

WideWebWitch · 26/08/2008 21:41

A bigger house, obv, not a buigger house, lord knows what one of them is.

I wouldn't do any of this just for casual shags, no!

FAQ · 26/08/2008 21:41

god I could never imagine trying to organise babysitting just for a shag! It's bad enough trying to organise it sometimes for a meal out or something!