Would you bother to have a relationship with someone who you knew wouldn't ever take on your kids ??

[IllegallyBrunette]

Just wondering about this because of my other thread.

I don't expect any bloke I meet to launch into dad mode and promise to be there for me and my children for all eternity, but at the same time, I don't see the point of starting anything with a bloke who catergorically states that he doesn't want to take on another mans kids.

How about you ?

I disagree Anna -

DP's family are all Yorkshire - and they're lovely not stiff at all - his mum insisted on saving some of DP's birthday cake for my DS's - and gave them about a quarter of it!!!

Mind you having said that DP's parents divorced 20+yrs ago and both remarried, so they're already used to different family dynamics (which is more than can be said for my parents.......but that's a totally different thread)

It is all so complicated isn't it.

Reading some of the posts on this thread makes me feel ike it is easier and would cause less heartache to never have another relationship again.

If my DSs were to marry women with DCs I would expect them to be a 'family'and I would want to be part of it. It would be a definite plus to have extra grandchildren and I would take it as a great compliment to be treated as a grandparent and allowed to get to know them and have them overnight.
I think that I am starting from a different standpoint. You seem to think that other people's children are something that everyone has to put up with and a bit of a penance that you can't inflict on people who don't have to put up with it, whereas I think that they are an extra joy and everyone might get something out of the relationship.
I would have stayed a single parent if I thought that people were going to think they were being exploited or he was someone they had to endure.They are all very lucky to have him!!

I think as well if mu mother/family couldn't take on someone elses children as well in the respect of being equal to their own grandchildren I wouldn't be with that man as it's not fair on the kids.

as I say thou I know it's not an issue.

life is complicated tho

yopu cant fight that

and you cant operate on projecting forwards

or you would become neurotic and anxious all the time

all you can do is make the best decisions in the present

and not beat yourself up when things go pear shaped

dont think too much that way lies madness

Anna is right, you have to have co-operative relatives to be able to have truly blended families. No way would my toxic mother treat any step children of mine equally to her grandchildren. I would have to do some serious rethinking of what her place in my life was, if I acquired step children because I think she'd be a very negative influence in their lives.

"People who are gibberingly desperate for a 'soulmate' attract predators". That is absolutely true, soulmate bollocks is simply a modern form of Cupid's arrow, it's bewildering that so many otherwise sensible people still believe in it. But commitment and respect are not the same as this nonsense and although in theory you can have a respectful, kind relationship with someone who has utterly no commitment or long term interest in you, in practice I have never seen one. Human beings are far too complex to be emotionally detached forever and it usually either grows or turns into resentment and disrespect. A semi-detached relationship that goes on for years, is usually a dysfunctional one imo. I don't say they don't or can't exist, just that where they do, they are usually not very satisfying and one of the parties often leaves to take up an obsessively monogamous relationship.

It maybe works to keep it all separate if you bring together two families and don't have joint children. As soon as you have a joint child it complicates things-the lines are blurred. You can't have a half sibling treated better than the other half siblings.

But Abbey - if we did things "your way" my stepsons would have three parents and three sets of grandparents while my daughter only had two. That would hardly constitute equal treatment.

Our way is the fair way

your way of thinking is amusing Anna - that it isn't "fair".

My DS has one parent and one grandparent. To be fair I think you ought to share yours out evenly.

the fairness thing is a bit odd i mean you canty say one person is equal to another in any circumstances

what do you do if one grandparent is l;ovely and hands on and there for you and another is very busy and preoccupied and distant and rarely seen

i think things just evolve to a comfortable situation in the best circumstances

You are on very dangerous ground Kew. Only the PCness of MN is stopping me write what I really think. People in glass houses and all that...

i also know a father and nan who dont treat a 2 biological children and the fathers ex's 2 daughters unequally. However in this situation it is the ex step daughters/grandaughters that are treated special and have extra attention time etc, then followed by his bioloigical dd and way behind is the ds.
It works both ways and unfortunately for my/our ds he comes bottom of the pile (even before i was a lone parent)

sorry dont treat the equally

Zippi - I completely agree that things evolve around real relationships. A good example is the obvious pleasure my stepsons have visiting my parents and the obvious displeasure they have visiting their maternal grandmother. Why? Because real, human feelings are involved not some kind of relationship that has been forced upon them by a parent claiming "equal rights" for their children.

But that doesn't make my stepsons think of my parents as grandparents, or stop them thinking of their grandmother as their grandmother.

We will just have to agree to differ Anna, your system suits you which is fine.
OP asked if we would have a relationship with someone who wouldn't take on our DCs and in my case I wouldn't have contemplated having someone who wasn't going to treat all my DCs equally.
I am guessing that your step sons don't live with you and in that case it is probably OK as they have their main life with their mother. If they lived with you all the time then I don't think it would work to give one DC a different status.
I was a widow so we were very much a package and all of a new partner's family would have had to accept that they had a new child as part of their extended family before I started a new family.I most definitely wouldn't have had more DCs if I thought the new family would't treat them equally for Christmas, birthday etc.

You are guessing wrong btw - we have a 50:50 arrangement for my stepsons plus when they are at this house I or my partner are always here whereas at their mother's house they spend a lot of time with the nanny/outsourced to grandparents.

I absolutely would not have married someone I didn't think would embrace my child from my previous marriage.

Anna, veiled comments like that aren't very nice, if you're going to say something, say it fgs. Does your dp knwo you consider your daughter as more important than his sons and his sons as NOT being part of YOUR family? Does he agree that you have NO relationship that's legally binding and that's fine?

I know you were a widow, btw - and I do think that the relationship with stepchildren will necessarily be quite different when their biological parents are both alive and when they are not. This thread is, I believe, about step families after divorce.

Hang on, why 'outsourced'? It's not 'outsourcing' to let a child spend tmie with grandparents!

WWW - well of course my partner feels the same way - he would hate it if he thought I felt differently.

WWW - the boys' mother is an outsourcing queen - "never do anything yourself if you can get someone else to do it for you"

Anna come straight out and say it, the PC -ness of MN has never stopped you before.

If it is 50:50,Anna, we will definitely have to just agree to differ.As the natural parent who loves all 3 equally I would find it upsetting.