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Original poster

Would you bother to have a relationship with someone who you knew wouldn't ever take on your kids ??

303 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 26/08/2008 20:53

Just wondering about this because of my other thread.

I don't expect any bloke I meet to launch into dad mode and promise to be there for me and my children for all eternity, but at the same time, I don't see the point of starting anything with a bloke who catergorically states that he doesn't want to take on another mans kids.

How about you ?

OP posts:
ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 26/08/2008 21:41

Aw FAQ I didn't know you had a new bloke - how wonderful He does sound lovely. Actually I know you're right - those sort of men do exist but they're bloody gold dust I swear! And my DS2 is particularly obnoxious it has to be said. So the man would have to be a nutcase or a saint really.. and I'm not sure I could fully realte to either!! Still, as long as he was good in the sack...

FAQ · 26/08/2008 21:45

yes SHPHH - been seeing him 3 1/2 months now - and yes I suppose they are like gold dust - haven't quite decided whether he's a nutcase or a saint yet.....but he is good in the sack

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 26/08/2008 21:48

Did you realise it was me posting on one of your threads (ChocolateRockingHorse) when you were v.stressed? I was trying to make you laugh about the mad old days on BW... but it wasn't working LOL!

I'm so glad things are looking up for you - you deserve it.

muggglewump · 26/08/2008 21:53

solidgoldbrass That's exactly what I mean.
I can't have that at all until DD is old enough to be left on her own though and I wouldn't be prepared to set up home with them until she'd left, therefore she would be financially independent.
Having a proper realationship, even a casual shag isn't an option for me at all now so I think the taking on will be very different for me than how it's being disscussed on this thread in general as most are talking about it with dependent children.
I don't want to do that.

FAQ · 26/08/2008 21:55

think I did realise it was you - but wasn't really taking the bait so to speak

KerryMum · 26/08/2008 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleBella · 26/08/2008 21:59

Hmm, I can't really imagine an extremely casual relationship going on for years. How would one organise it practically? What about sex, where would it happen? At your place or his? If his, htis means babysitters (v. pricey and for overnight stays?). If yours, this means him being around for breakfast occasionally and modelling a relationship without commitment to your children - not something I'd be happy to do, tbh. I want them to grow up expecting to love and be loved and valued and worth commitment. I undermine that expectation if I model a relationship that's all no strings.

ShyBaby · 26/08/2008 22:00

Why oh why do some people seem to assume that a single mother is looking for someone who will put her kids to bed for her on the first date and cook them breakfast the next morning!?!

I can see the sense in what illegally is saying (and I dont know what the actual comment was). If you know, for a fact that a man you meet would not be willing in any way, shape or form to ever see himself in a family situation with a woman who already had kids then what would be the point?

I wouldn't even bother dating a man who felt that way. Why? I dont want a "shag pal" who would insist he would only ever come around here if my kids were out of sight. This is their home.

This said, I have been on dates and kept said man away from my house because I dont think its fair to just suddenly bring someone in who the kids dont know. That is for the kids benefit, not to pacify some idiot.

I find your attitude very sad Anna. Do you pay towards the weekly shop and do your stepkids eat at your house..because if so, you're financially supporting them arent you?

FAQ · 26/08/2008 22:01

Was 3 1/2yrs between DS1 being conceived and DS2 being conceived......

LittleBella · 26/08/2008 22:02

I just remember the sheer hassle it was before XP and I moved in together - those shoes I needed for work, I'd left them at his - oh sod it, I left that lipstick over at my place, or worse, that bra that goes with this outfit there... you need amazing organisation skills not to get fed up with those kind of logistics.

charliecat · 26/08/2008 22:10

Depends what you mean by take on.
My kids already have a dad. They dont need another.
But whoever would have to be prepared to have to go to a pub with a park for meals etc, with them sometimes ,because otherwise it wouldnt be possible and be slightly mad trying to pretend to be childless.

AbbeyA · 26/08/2008 22:13

I am shocked Anna that you can take on a man, who comes as a package, without being absolutely committed to his children.
When I was a single parent my son and I were a package, it was love me -love my son, or no deal. However suitable the man was for me I wouldn't have had any future with him if my son hadn't been in a unit with us. It has worked very well and DH never makes any distinction between his natural children and his step son. Both sets of in laws are grandparents to both, as are uncles, aunts and cousins etc.They are all treated the same.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 26/08/2008 22:21

exactly abby.

althou I do wonder (and forgive me for sounding rude here) if half of annas logic doens't come from the fact the 'biological' mother (sorry I hate that term) is well off - so in essence she doesn't have to financially support her step children?

I am of the view that all kids are equal - mine, step kids, and tbh if I or any man I am with can't make the distinction that they might not be respectively ours biologically, but should still be treated equally then well basically they can get out the door - I wouldn't treat my boy differently from step children, and i'd go mad if my partner treated his children differently to mine. (have seen the damage that does with XH and his 'real' dad.)

he was given literally used second hand pressies from his 'real' dad while his step sister was given £500 new computers. the resentment is immense, and won't be happening under my roof!

AbbeyA · 26/08/2008 22:27

I am guessing that her step DCs don't live with them which probably makes a difference, but isn't very nice for them when visiting as they must feel interlopers to some extent.
If you all live together there has to be equality-perhaps you can get away with it if they don't.

WilyWombat · 26/08/2008 22:30

Absolutely not - occasional friend with benefits perhaps but not anything which would allow his prejudice to be communicated to my children.

Lots of DHs mates said that though then went on to be involved with women who already had children.

addledbrain · 26/08/2008 22:33

While I wouldn't want a "new dad" for my kids as they already have one I can't see how you can have a proper relationship with someone if they don't want to take on your kids too. I've not really thought this through as husband only buggered off 2 months ago leaving me with a 2 year and 3 month old and can't imagine anyone wanting to take any of us on at the moment but the kids are a really important part of me.

ShyBaby · 26/08/2008 22:47

What about the children whose stepfathers dont want to know them, even though they live in the same home, because that child is not his.

But their "proper/biological"..whatever you want to call it, father doesn't want to know either, because as far as he's concerned you have a new dad now and he has a new family with some other woman. You know, a "perfect one" without nasty baggage.

You end up without a dad at all.

I would never put my kids in that position.

WilyWombat · 26/08/2008 22:54

I couldnt love or respect a man who couldnt care for my children and cant understand any woman who could.

AbbeyA · 26/08/2008 23:01

I think that once you have children they have to come first. It is very unfair of the new partner to think they can have the man or woman without considering the needs of the step children.

Remotew · 26/08/2008 23:08

If you love someone, truly then you take on their past. I would never want to be someone elses childs mum and I wouldn't expect a new partner to be my DD's dad. But they have to realise that you come as a package and accept that said child is in your life and theirs if they love you. Simple really.

Remotew · 26/08/2008 23:10

Horrible situation Shybaby, sounds like you speak from experience. I think in that case the mum has made a bad choice. Sorry if you have been hurt.

ShyBaby · 26/08/2008 23:10

Agree abbey. There's nothing to say they have to jump in straight away and be a second father...far from.

But if they have strong feelings against "another man's kids" right from the start then surely that's not going to change? I could be wrong but being a single mum I dont think i'd risk it!

ShyBaby · 26/08/2008 23:16

I do speak from experience abouteve yes, but I can only make sure I dont make the same mistakes with my own children

Remotew · 26/08/2008 23:29

Shybaby, keep that thought. Too many kids have lost fathers for various reasons and ended up with inadequate step fathers, double whammy to me. I'd rather be single tbh than put them through anymore hurt from men.

It takes time to work people out but if a man made that clear in the beginning then no way would I go there.

solidgoldbrass · 27/08/2008 01:19

Ah,well, I don't have a babysitter problem because DS dad is a very involved, hands-on dad who looks after DS when I want to go out and play. So I can have enjoyable away fixtures with child-unfriendly men as often as I like.
And I intend to teach DS that all kinds of relationships are acceptable as long as they are conducted with kindness and courtesy, and hopefully he will escape the sort of damage that the myth of 'commitment' when it means 'living-together-heterosexual-obsessive-monogamy'can do. People who are gibberingly desperate for a 'soulmate' attract predators.