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Original poster

Would you bother to have a relationship with someone who you knew wouldn't ever take on your kids ??

303 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 26/08/2008 20:53

Just wondering about this because of my other thread.

I don't expect any bloke I meet to launch into dad mode and promise to be there for me and my children for all eternity, but at the same time, I don't see the point of starting anything with a bloke who catergorically states that he doesn't want to take on another mans kids.

How about you ?

OP posts:
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 26/08/2008 21:12

nope, don't want another dad for DS, but on the other hand we come as a package - same as XH and DS are a package, take on one take on both. i'd be the same if I had a man with kids.

he doesn't want DS around he will be shown the door rather swiftly!

current beau knows I have DS, knows I don't want another dad, knows his dad is hands on and our set up, but on the other hand, he's already said he wants to meet ds, and that he knows we come as a package, so all good!

shelleylou · 26/08/2008 21:13

but surely if your stepsons needed something, or it was their birthday and your DH couldnt afford it you would buy it for them

Kewcumber · 26/08/2008 21:13

"relationship" no not at the mment - spend almost all my non-working time with DS and couldn;t get as far as a relationship with anyone if DS wasn;t going to be at least a part of it. Not enough time for me to divide myself between two completely distinct relationships.

Quick shag - possibly (but he'd have to be a good shag)

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 26/08/2008 21:14

I wasn't thinking of it from a financial pov tbh, more a caring, suporting emotionally role.

Surely though if you take on someone elses kids, or they take on yours, then as your relationship progresses and perhaps finances become joint finances, then you would automatically support them finacially too ??

Xp had two children from a previous marriage and my income was taken into account whehn assessing him for child support.

OP posts:
BloodySmartarse · 26/08/2008 21:14

i might shag one if he were worthy, but i doubt id ever mentally get attached to someone who didnt like what i like and wasnt interested in a major focus in my life.
thats if i didnt have dp, obv.
i think if i were ever single again, id stay that way. i would enjoy it too; lots of friends and family, but me myself and i to answer to.

Snaf · 26/08/2008 21:14

Yes, I hate the whole 'taking on' attitude - like me and my divine ds are a burden, heaven forfend

A bloke who considered he was 'taking on' your kids would probably also be the kind of bloke who would say 'I've done the washing-up for you and expect applause and a blow-job for his pains.

WideWebWitch · 26/08/2008 21:15

What Anna? Hang on, my dh couldn't 'refuse' to support my ds financially, he and I are a team, we both work oth and if he suddenly said "I will pay for our dd but not your ds" I would tihnk he was barmy! Of COURSE a new partner ends up supporting children financially, they're CHILDREn, they can't work¬!

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 26/08/2008 21:15

I can't do no strings shags so thats a dead end for me.

OP posts:
FAQ · 26/08/2008 21:15

lol Snaf.

LittleBella · 26/08/2008 21:15

No.

I'm not Madonna. I don't have seven different households and nannies I can leave the children with while I conduct a liaison. If a bloke takes on me, he takes on my life; my house, my job, my hobbies, my kids, my dog (if I had one) etc., just as I take on his life. Obviously not immediately and yes there might be compromises (dog lovers taking up with dog haters etc). But children are a non-negotiable part of a normal parent's life.

shelleylou · 26/08/2008 21:16

sorry IB my post was in response to Anna888

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 26/08/2008 21:17

Thats what I meant WWW, but you put it alot better than I did.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 26/08/2008 21:18

Anna, I SO DISAGREE with this "any man or woman who refuses to support his/her partner's children from a previous relationship is just being reasonable. "

No, no, if you have a relationship or marriage with someone (not talking a fling) then you DO support their children, you become a family. Well, we have anyway.

sandy4 · 26/08/2008 21:18

I did for 6 years. Just for shagging purposes .

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 26/08/2008 21:19

snaf - that's how I see things re money - if it was serious yes and we were living together, i'd expect my P to help provide for DS - but then again his dad also gives me support for him, if my P had kids i'd give them support money & emotionally - it's part n parcel of a relationship & being together with someone.

I wouldn't allow my child to ahve the latest brand stuff if my partners kids couldn't have even the basics - they'd have the same or nothing at all. (by me anyhow)

WideWebWitch · 26/08/2008 21:19

Although my dh#1 contributes too but if for some reason he didn't dh2 wouldn't DREAM of saying "well, I'll contribute to our dd but not your ds"!

Not that it's relevant since I bring in most of the money in this house but he drops and collects both at childcare etc so that I can do that and acts as ds's father in every way. Ds also sees his biological fathe r(who contributes financially and in other ways) every other weekend.

Anna8888 · 26/08/2008 21:19

WWW - I don't understand that at all. Surely your DS1 has two parents, you and your former partner, who want to support him financially? Why would you even want your current DH to support your child(ren) from a previous relationship?

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 26/08/2008 21:20

If you are a person that can do no strings shagging then I suppose it woud be doable.

I just can't though so for me tis not an option.

OP posts:
FAQ · 26/08/2008 21:21

because surely if they're now married they're "family" - it may "only" be step-father/son relationship - but it's still family.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 26/08/2008 21:21

I agree with WW, I think that it would be weird if a bloke took on another mans child in every way but then refused to contribute financially.

OP posts:
Pinkchampagne · 26/08/2008 21:21

My situation is similar, Spandex. My man has never seen my boys as an issue, but also knows he will never have to be a father to them. My boys spend a lot of time with their dad, so we get the chance to do things together as a couple, but he has taken us all out for the day, been to a couple of social events round a friends, with the boys, and last Sunday I took boys round to his parents for dinner for the first time, (was very nervous about that one!)and we took them out with us to walk the dog, which DS2 loved!

The boys like him, which is good, but am taking it all quite slowly as he doesn't have children of his own, so it is quite a big thing.

WideWebWitch · 26/08/2008 21:22

AQnna, because dh#2 and I are married, we are a partnership, we live together and together we are bringing up my ds from my first marriage (who is 10) and our dd, who is four. They are brother and sister. They are treated equally. My income and dh's go into one pot so damn right he is contributing. Why EVER wouldn't he? He loves me, we have a life together, we have a family together and my ds is as much part of that family as our dd. Whyever wouldn't he be? And the money from dh1 goes into our family pot and is used to pay for housing, clothing, food etc, as is all our other income.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 26/08/2008 21:23

I don't think there is anything wrong with a bloke not wanting to take on another mans kids by the way, and think they have to be a very honest person to admit that it's not for them.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 26/08/2008 21:23

Although btw if we are talking about 'supporting' I am the one who brings in the most money in this house. Dh brings in much, much less than I do. His quality of life and that of the children would be considerably lower without MY income. So it's not justy about dh 'supporting' - it's about how we treat family income and responsbility.

Aimsmum · 26/08/2008 21:23

Message withdrawn