Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

can my friend's ex husband legally contest her decision to move 300 miles away to be near her family?

299 replies

troubledfriend · 23/07/2008 23:55

Very dear friend , 2 primary school kids separated from husband 2 y ago.

In separation agreement kids live with her. Their dad is half an hour away and sees thm loads. They are reasonably cordial and flexible about it all.

he did initially want residency but she would not let him and .

She is v unhappy and wants to move 300 miles away to be near her family.She is currently in Scotland and wants to move to England

She is dreading telling him.

Could the courts stop her?

Would he have any chance of getting residency if he pursued it through the courts?

OP posts:
Leslaki · 25/07/2008 22:26

Apologies for my emotional outburst but this is TOOOOOOOOOOO close to home!!! Still think it is unfair to call her selfish and unfair that her options are to walk off and leave her kids to another woman to bring up (presume dad will still be working?0 just so she can get a support network!!!!! We DON'T know the background nor the parties involved. You don't know if she was made to move to Scotland or if it was something she wanted to do.
At the end of the day if both parents want the kids to be happy and secure it will work, regardless of distance. OP mentioned the exh isn't always nice to mum - what does that mean? If he is bullying her like my exh then go for it. Doesn't do kids any good to see their mum treated badly.
Who has been main carre most of their lives?
Loads of things to take into consideration.
I will rember this post when/if I have to post about having to move back home when/if x forces me to sell kids home and leaves me with £30k and a £7k salary to start again. he earns £70k and new g/f earns £30k. Still expect me to pay their debts out of our £125k equity (yeah that's how bad their debts are but he is being wonder dad now!) and stay here with kids as their new 'toys'. Still feel for your mate TRoblked friend. I would move heaven and earth to keep new girlfriend from bringing up my kids. Maybe I'm selfish but I love them and have been the one to bring them up.

AbbeyA · 25/07/2008 22:26

I would agree that it isn't fair to move them away from the father simply to be near the grandparents.Has she asked the children what they think?

expatinscotland · 25/07/2008 22:34

'if the father wants his children to be happy he might well recopgnise that their mother needs a support network (hether or not it was his or her fault or neither, that she does not have one in him)
and therefore he should possibly support the mother in her decision to move nearer family. Perhaps the answer is that she should do it and he should accompany her, so that he is nearer to his children also.'

How about if the shoe were on the other foot, and this were the mother we were talking about and the father moving 300 miles away.

Would you still say the same thing?

I disagree entirely that the move is even the right thing for the kids.

We don't know that.

They may have an established support group where they are now that is very valuable to them and/or a close relationship with their father that is vital to their well-being as well.

I don't think it's fair to use 'well, if he/she really wanted them to be happy, they'd all move'.

paolosgirl · 25/07/2008 22:35

Haven't read all the posts, but I would also agree that moving them away from their dad just so she can be close to her parents seems quite cruel. Not only have the children had to go through their parents divorce, but they are now being faced with a move, a new school, leaving their friends and their dad, and all the stability they have had post-divorce. Crikey - that's a lot for the poor wee things

zippitippitoes · 25/07/2008 22:38

but also doesnt help kids to see the dad treated wrongly

it is very much a case for mediation

AbbeyA · 25/07/2008 22:38

How old are the grandparents? Could they consider moving to Scotland?

missmollymoo · 25/07/2008 22:40

How would your friend feel if it were the other way round?

As for her ex and a new partner taking care of the kids, does she expect to stay single for the rest of her life.

Children should have the right to see both their parents regularly.

Having kids to me has ALWAYS meant that i put their well being and happiness first.

If she can honestly say that it will be better for the children to not have regular access to their father then yeh, go.

I doubt she can. She and this man brought 2 children into this world and they should have both parents around.

Good grief, some single mums and children would love to have their dads around.

Sorry for ranting but i feel very strongly about this.

PS. I don't think it's fair to ask the kids what they want. Too much responsibility for them.

Leslaki · 25/07/2008 22:42

They may have a more stable realtionship WITH their maternal grandparents like mine do. We need to know more about the circumstances and relationships before we judge. Still in mum's camp I have to say!!! What id dad and new gf have children where ill the first kids stand then? Will gf want them then? Not getting into my fight but primary age kids are v adptablke esp KS1 kids. As long as they are secure in their love from both parents and have a settled and secure home they will be fine. I feel really sorry for OP's friend. Sh is being slated here and written off and we don't know the full story. I really feel for the kids too but she is a person who needs support too.

silkcushion · 25/07/2008 22:43

This is a moral dilemma. There is clearly no right or wrong answer. All our judgements will be influenced by our experiences.

Dh's exW move his kids 200 miles away when they were just 5 and 6. Changed his relationship with them massively. When they lived in the same town he had them weekends and midweek, was very involved in their lives and had influence over their upbringing. Seeing them fortnightly really means you are a more distant relative. He has no influence at all. On the otherhand the move has been positive for them in other ways - son has thrived at school etc.

Funnily enough I think exW seems still to be very unhappy just in a different county.

I feel desperately sorry for all involved in this case and wish them well

expatinscotland · 25/07/2008 22:47

This is their father we're talking about here!

Their parent.

Their immediate family.

paolosgirl · 25/07/2008 22:51

Agree expat.

Could you imagine if it were you, and your dh had got custody of your children and then announced he was moving them 300 miles away? Can you imagine only seeing them once every few weeks? Having very limited input into their daily lives? I would go mad - literally.

AbbeyA · 25/07/2008 22:51

I don't think it fair to assume that the father will feel differently if he has more children with his new partner!
On reflection it is too much to ask the DCs what they think, but the mother must have a good idea of the relationships. It is difficult to judge, not knowing them, but he seems an involved father from what we have heard.

missmollymoo · 25/07/2008 22:54

Why is that, it's only likely to be ex's girlfriend who doesn't want them. What if she meets a new man who wants more kids and then doesn't want them. I still think that in today's society as children grow into adulthood they deserve the right to have equal access to 2 loving parents. Original post states that he has them loads. fathers are capable of loving their children as much as mothers. I know my dh does, and should our relationship ever break down i could never contemplate moving my children away from him, for their sakes. No matter how bitter it may get between the adults the children are what matter.

AbbeyA · 25/07/2008 22:54

300 miles makes a normal father/child relationship difficult. He won't be at home and will have to take them out all the time. He can't get to parents evenings at school, see them is school plays, ferry them to activities etc.

expatinscotland · 25/07/2008 22:56

There are several members of this board who are step-parents and have a large, positive role in parenting the children their ex had from a previous relationship, so why is it assumed all new partners are just a dispensible part of the equation in a blended family?

She may not want any more children with the father, may not be able to have them, etc.

It's unfair to dismiss a father out of hand because he has formed a new relationship.

The mother might well do the same in the future.

zippitippitoes · 25/07/2008 22:56

yes we bring our own experiences

i had shared residence with my exh

kids older

but much as we were hating each other we did everything for our children

i think this couple may need a mediator to help

zippitippitoes · 25/07/2008 23:01

and although he has now split with me my exdp who doesn't have children had a great relationship while we were together with my children..for 8 years eg from ds 10 years to 18

not so happy he left

but ds does still see him

Leslaki · 25/07/2008 23:06

So kids stay in Scotland with a mother who - to quote OP - is very unhappy???? Fantastic life!!! Or we just hand them over to dad and tell mum to p* back home to England - great for kids!!!! They may love tehir mumtoo you know! This is sarcasm BTW!!!!!! The kids are not gonna win anyway, anyhow. For the last 2 years they have lived with mum , they are primary aged children. They will find it equally hard adjusting to a new house with their dad and a new woman as they would to moving with their mum to grandparents/extended family they may/may not have a great relationship with. The new 'mum' will NOT make spag bol the same as mum, the neighbourhood friends will not be the same etc etc. yeah they have to change schools etc but no-one knows how much that may possibly affect them than the Op's friend. Possibly losing the parent they live with willmaffect them more? But why should she have a very unhappy life? Wouldn't have wanted out of her marriage with young children if there wasn't a problem. Want her to be ahappy with her children with dad and new partner having access. It IS do-able.

zippitippitoes · 25/07/2008 23:09

but they dont live with with mum

they live some of the time with mum and some with dad

missmollymoo · 25/07/2008 23:15

I'm sorry, but it's not about what mum wants to " make her happy". It's about giving and providing your children with the best chance to make a success of life, and that has to include dad being an active part of their life. He can't exactly be actively involved 300miles away. They will have to leave their dad/friends/school behind. A big move like that is hard enough with both parents in the equation. they are probably still only just coming to terms with the fact that daddy doesn't live at home anymore so yeh, lets drag them 300miles away from him so mum doesn't feel sad anymore.

Sorry, but it's selfish and i can't understand how anyone can think that it's best for the children to be seperated from either loving parent. They made the kids together and now can't run away from the responsibility of raising them together, even if it has to be apart.

expatinscotland · 25/07/2008 23:17

'They will find it equally hard adjusting to a new house with their dad and a new woman as they would to moving with their mum to grandparents/extended family they may/may not have a great relationship with. The new 'mum' will NOT make spag bol the same as mum, the neighbourhood friends will not be the same etc etc. yeah they have to change schools etc but no-one knows how much that may possibly affect them than the Op's friend. '

How do you know? Why assume the new partner is just a heartless bitch who doesn't give a toss?

Sorry, but a grandparent or extended family is not the same as a parent who is alive, whom the children live with part of the time, who has an active role in his childrens' lives.

And what about the father's happiness? Why should he be made desperately unhappy?

How do you know he wouldn't be absolutely devestated to have his kids move so far away?

My god, I'd be absolutely gutted at the thought!

The man has feelings, too, you know, and just as much right to be happy as she does.

expatinscotland · 25/07/2008 23:18

it's about compromise and give and take once you have kids.

it's no longer all about you and your personal happiness.

if you think and act accordingly then, yes, you are selfish.

zippitippitoes · 25/07/2008 23:23

i agre with expat

my ezxh an d me had the most hostile break up

but we did want our kids to suffer least

Leslaki · 25/07/2008 23:59

I do agree with a lot of comments but everyone on here seems ot be billing her as the most heartless selfish bitch. She sounds to me like a lonely, sad mum who is only just coping as she is far outside her comfort zone. great that she has an ex who wants to see the kids but what about HER too??? She is their MOTHER!! He may be devastated at kids moving away but she may be devastated at having to stay where she isn't happy!!!!
Yeah, I am assuminmg the grandparents will love the kids and I am - fair play - assuming the new partner won't love the kids the same as they aren't hers - can only speak from experience. (BTW I am not a step mum!!!!) But FGS this sounds like one sad, unhappy woman and no-one else seems to give a toss about her!!! The kids are gonna be unhappy to some degree one way or another - with mum they lose dad, if mum satys and they see dad, they have a very unhappy mum. Doesn't sound like an idyllic childhood. dad sounds like he would make the effort to see them regardless ofwhere they live and it sounds like kids may potentially be living in major stress area at mo with unhappy mum and dad fighting for custody.
Yeah I agree they all have the right to live happily but unfortuantely Enid Blyton doesn't do divorce or a lot of us wouldn't be fighting for our kids happiness and wellbeing right now.

Expat - OP quoted mother as being very unhappy. I am trying my very best to keepo my kids in family home, at the school where thewy go and I work but exh just wants money from sale of house so I'm sorry but I do see mum's point in this. My gut instincts are to go home but am fighting to keep home for kids - how long I can keep this up for I don't know cos it's SO hard. So hard to live in a hostile environment which is ex's home turf 300 miles from home where you are the stranger, the odd one out, the one who sounds different with NO family support. You don't always belong in a community no matter how hard you try - maybe this mum has reached the end of her tether. You can only do so much.

Leslaki · 26/07/2008 00:04

BTW I do have great friends and am happy to a certain degree - just trying to get the mum's point across!!!! BUt even as accepted as I am , after 12 years I'm still the foreigner - still get the Scottish and Irish jokes and ribbings about accents etc etc - doesn't always help in the middle of a divorce. This is 4 months in - I may be like the op's friend in 1.5 years.