What age is ok to leave child alone?

[Sailawayx]

My son is 11 in June and is becoming increasingly against doing things with me out of the house. He's happy to ride his bike on our cul de sac, play games on his PS with his friends, hates coming to the supermarket with me and will constantly say no to days out or walks etc.

It's to the point, I come home from work and don't leave the house until I go back to work, as he will flat refuse to come anywhere with me. I'm a single parent and he doesn't see his dad much, most of my friends are in relationships and so I literally spend 99% of my days with him or alone when he goes out onto the street for an hour.

I'm starting to become extremely lonely and feel really isolated. At what age can I say bugger this, I'm off for a walk for an hour? Or allowed to go to a gym class for an hour? I am absolutely sick to death of not being able to go anywhere without arguments, strops or attitude. I'm also sick to death of sitting here, alone and having no communication unless it's requests for food or money. This can't be my life until he's 16 surely.

It’s only on MN that I hear of people waiting until their children are almost adults before leaving them for an hour or two.

A typical 11year old should be able to be left alone for a couple of hours during the day.

Of course this isn't your life until he's 16, although I know it can feel so intense and endless in the moment.
I'd think now is a great age to start leaving him home alone, if you think he is responsible. Is there a cafe nearby where you could go have a drink and a chill for an hour? That makes it easy to go home if he needs you (try not to go back just because you feel uncomfortable). It'll be a learning curve for you both but it's an important step towards adulthood.

There’s no legal age but the NSPCC make recommendations. A lot depends on your child, their safety, how long you’ll be and are you contactable.

I think not yet 11 is still too young to be left for more than popping to the shop.

i'm genuinely curious your specific concerns. At that age I was going off to secondary school on a bus for 1 hour each morning and evening, there seems more potential there for things to go wrong (especially pre-mobile phones) than being home alone.

Is he happy for you to go to the gym or out for a walk? If so then it is fine. An 11yo (as long as they are on board and that is key IMHO) is totally find to be left to their own devices. In fact it’s a good thing, as a gradual step to greater independence.

FWIW I Ieft DS1 when he was 10 as he didn't want to walk with us to Beavers for DS2. So that was my benchmark – from about age 8-9-10 for a very short and specific time (“I’m popping to local shop for milk” kind of thing). Then for longer once older. By the time DS2 was 17 he was happy to be left for a week when we all went on a holiday he didn't want to join us on. And no he didn't wreck the house. I trust him – and it’s his house too.

Really? So how old would a child need to be before you were happy to leave them in their safe, warm, home while you went out for a swim (and were gone say an hour)?

The NSPCC guidance is dangerous and misleading IMO.

Your son is at the right age to be left for an hour or so now. As long as he has a way of contacting you if needed. Presumably he will go to secondary school this year? Many children will be navigating public transport to and from school at that age so leaving home in your house for an hour shouldn't be an issue.
Mine used to get the bus into town to meet friends to go swimming at that age and be gone for 2 or 3 hours.

Why?

If he's turning 11 this spring, is he in yr6 now? Does he come home from school on his own and stay there for a few hours until you finish work? If so, that's your answer: he's fine for an hour or two whilst you go to the shops.

Presumably, next year he'll be in yr 7 and at 'big school' so making his own way there and back plus potentially wandering into the nearest town after school with his friends sometimes.

Does he have a phone of some sort so that he can call you if necessary? Do you have some sympathetic neighbours/friends who could be 'on call' whilst you deal with necessary life admin like food shopping and appointments?

Maybe talk through with him what might happen and what to do? e.g. if someone knocks on the door?

If you're in England, he'll be going to secondary school in September? With spring coming on, this is an ideal time to start developing his independence. Leaving him home alone for a time is part of that.

But moaning about going to the supermarket is not on. No-one particularly enjoys it, but it has to be done, and it's for his benefit too. He needs to learn how to shop, or he'll be like the clueless students I see wandering vaguely round the supermarkets every September.

Sorry to churn out the 'you know your child' but it's true - do you think he'd be OK? He'd be at home, he'd be able to contact you if he got worried - is he trustworthy not to get up to anything?

In lockdown I had to leave my two at home alone while I went shopping, as the alternative would have been to leave them in the car outside. Home seemed a much more sensible alternative, and they were about 11 and 8 at the time. But - they don't fight, at first we stayed on a skype call throughout, and they won't get up to mischief.

Then over the years it's ramped up as the eldest went to secondary etc. and now I'll go out for an evening (not a late one - 10-10:30 max) and leave them both alone. Or if the eldest needs picking up in the evening the youngest (now 12) is fine on his own. I think a couple of years and I'd be comfortable going away for a whole weekend TBH.

TLDR - yes, it's fine. As long as you're comfortable he won't burn the house down, and he's comfortable and won't get scared.

He sounds ready to be left for a short period and that's the most important thing.

I personally would have no issue leaving a nearly 11 year old for an hour if they were happy with it , I was confident they would know how to respond to an emergency and were able to get in touch with me if needed.

My 9 year old is nearly there and would happily be left, can ring me using the house phone or alexa and would not attempt to do anything beyond watching tv or reading, and perhaps getting a drink of water or a packet of crisps. I wouldn't leave them yet as I think they are still a bit young, but I don't think they would mind or be at risk if I did.

Surely your answer depends on your child not what we think?

I've no problems leaving my 10 year old. Hes a very sensible and responsible child. He knows to go to neighbors or family in case of problems. He wont set anything on fire. He knows not to open the door or let strangers in.

It depends on your child. If you judge its fine it most probably is. Just give it a go.

Thank you for the really sensible responses here. If it was left to him, I'd be on hand 24/7 but he is getting bigger now and I'd appreciate him becoming more independent, despite the protests I already have from him.

I will start telling him that if he doesn't wish to come that's fine however, this doesn't mean I should sit in alone forever.

I'll start off small and build it up. He can always contact me via his mobile.

Thank you again.

we started leaving the eldest for a couple of hours in year 6, she was a sensible kid by the time she was in year 7 she would happily stay home all day if we had to go into the office, in fact once in year 7 she was getting the train into the city with friends regularly.

DS was 9 when he was walking to the Capital City’s train station and getting the train to his Primary School and then walking himself to Primary School and back again unsupervised. A few hours in the house would be fine …

Sounds like the perfect approach. Honestly, at his age, I'd start even if he would prefer you on hand 24/7. He'll be at secondary school soon and needs to start building that independence, best to do it nice and gradually rather than suddenly when it's forced upon you.

I agree.

It'll be good for him.

I think it's fine now. I left my eldest at 11 for the same reasons - although one day he chose to use the time to look for his Christmas presents, which we knew because we left a trap!
Left my youngest at 11 for 4.5 hours one night a week because I had to work and had no choice. Mobiles mean that they can contact you whenever they like.
In my experience they hardly do anything when you leave them - they just play computer games and don't move much. Not like when I was young and left alone and we'd do things like bake cakes and random science experiments using the cooker!

I was left home alone in primary school from year 5 and used to get to and from school alone (it was at the top of the hill and a ‘different time’ I guess) but if they’re sensible and trustworthy I don’t see why you couldn’t go to a gym class or go for a walk etc, it wouldn’t be all day so I wouldn’t see an issue if I was you

He’s old enough and ready to be left for short periods by the sound of it.
Go to the supermarket in peace without him and maybe your shop might be cheaper without him 😉

I does make me sad really because he's been my little best friend. We'd spend hours in the woods, spotting birds, looking at mushrooms and different things. Friday nights was our cinema nights. However, things change and they grow up. I'm a bit lost as to what I'm supposed to do next to be honest, as it's been just us for seven years. A new time in both our lives is starting and it's a case of adapting for us both.

It’s absolutely fine for you to leave a 10 year old, especially if you know he’s just sat there gaming, for an hour or so. Do it today!

If you work the steps backwards, you actually should have started earlier. My dd is 17 and looking at a uni 200 miles away in an unknown city from September. I am very pleased that at 16 she travelled to Paris on her own, at 15 London, at 14 the nearest city, at 13 the nearest city with friends, at 11 and 12 our own town, at 9 & 10 home alone for a hour or so etc
some of my friends started too late and are now panicking about how much they have to do this summer to get their kids ready.

I’d say absolutely fine during the day at your son’s age as long as he is comfortable to be left and you can trust him.
Rules for ours have been no going out, don’t answer the door and no cooking

I would say though some trips out with you are non negotiable. My DD is 11 and hates the supermarket too but sometimes she just has to come if we need to go on the way home from somewhere else. Also one short walk on a weekend is not much to ask.