What age is ok to leave child alone?

[Sailawayx]

My son is 11 in June and is becoming increasingly against doing things with me out of the house. He's happy to ride his bike on our cul de sac, play games on his PS with his friends, hates coming to the supermarket with me and will constantly say no to days out or walks etc.

It's to the point, I come home from work and don't leave the house until I go back to work, as he will flat refuse to come anywhere with me. I'm a single parent and he doesn't see his dad much, most of my friends are in relationships and so I literally spend 99% of my days with him or alone when he goes out onto the street for an hour.

I'm starting to become extremely lonely and feel really isolated. At what age can I say bugger this, I'm off for a walk for an hour? Or allowed to go to a gym class for an hour? I am absolutely sick to death of not being able to go anywhere without arguments, strops or attitude. I'm also sick to death of sitting here, alone and having no communication unless it's requests for food or money. This can't be my life until he's 16 surely.

@arethereanyleftatall I respect that has worked for you however, this is not something I would want. We all parent different.

My mum used to give me some paid chores like washing up, dusting or hoovering to do at that age if she needed to go out.
She knew I was safely occupied and it encouraged the idea of earning pocket money and contributing to keeping the house tidy. I did the same with my kids. It seemed to work for them too and meant by the time they moved out they could cook, clean and go their own washing!

If he is comfortable with it then I would leave him. If he is 11 in June, I assume he is going to secondary school in September? I have an August born year 7 child and it was when he was in year 6, age 10 that I began to leave him for more than 15 minutes. I don’t know what your work situation is but for us the lack of after school care meant that DS had to let himself in the house and be alone for up to two hours once he started secondary. I felt it was better to ease him into it rather than throwing him in the deep end once he started.

At this age I used to get myself ready on my own and walk to school. I’d also walk home to an empty house and my mum would be back about an hour later. I was always a very sensible kid though.

The bus cannot have:

• a gas leak
• a tap washer fail and cause a flood
• someone ring on the doorbell to attempt a distraction burglary
• the toaster catch fire
• a power cut

All of those things happened to me as a child and I relied on my parents to cope with them because I did not know how to.

In the event of the bus developing a problem, there is a designated competent adult available to manage that problem, known as "the driver". The bus is hence not at allcomparable to the house.

I was walking to primary school alone but I wasn't left in the house until around 13. Again, a short walk along a known route is not at all comparable to the hazards in a house.

You have had a very very unusual and rare set of things happening to the same family! I’m 50 and have never had any situation in a house that needed an adult to deal with. I would imagine there are far far more traffic crashes happening than houses flooding to the extent that a child could drown or something.

Gas leak, the hose dislodged whilst moving the cooker to clean behind it.

Tap washers fail all the time because rubber perishes. It was a bath cold tap and the water was coming out faster than it could flow down the drain.

Distraction burglaries are very common.

The toaster jammed in the on position, again, this is commonplace.

Power cuts are very common in communities with overhead power lines and also common in communities where vandals and metal thieves target substations. Welcome to northern England.

Most of these seem rare and easy to avoid/handle. Gas leak: don't touch the oven (therefore no gas leak). Tap: ring me or neighbour. In my experience, these tend to stay with a slow drip and I keep on top of those, toaster jammed: unplug and leave, powercut: stay calm, ring me or go to neighbour.

Distraction burglary, sure, that's hard. But at what age could you leave them with this risk? I feel like if you felti t was high, that would be never.

Guess I'm lucky my bit of northern England hasn't had any major power cuts since I moved here 15 years ago and at home distraction burglaries is honestly a new concept to me.

At 10/11, I'd want alternative adults nearby (eg friendly neighbours) if possible.

But I don't think the risk of any of these is worth avoiding it.

If your son doesn’t want to go out, you should sit home with him OP @Sailawayx You can go out when he’s moved out

11 yrs old should be perfectly fine for a few hours.

This is quite a bizarre take... I think most people feel safer in their homes than out on the street?!

I think by the time they are 11, most kids should be fine to be alone between when they get home from school and you get in from work, if you work standard 9-5 hours.

You can definitely go out to the shops or for a walk or whatever for a bit if you know your child is sensible, or just likely to watch TV or game while you're out.

Our kids were 8 and 11 at the start of COVID, we started leaving them alone sometimes for an hour or two while we went for a walk or shop after a few months as oldest DC was very mature and sensible and we desperately needed some 'us' time (even it if was a 'Costco date'). They were safe at home but also we know our neighbours fairly well so they knew they could go to them if for any reason they needed an adult immediately.

Ok but …

gas leak only happened because the cooker was pulled out which a 10 year old wouldn’t do

the water tap, he would just call mum, and she’d come straight home

the burglary, don’t answer the door

the toaster, don’t cook anything

power cut, call mum

A sensible 11 year old should be able to stay at home for at least and hour or two on their own. Just go through safety aspects, make sure you’re contactable etc

Toaster jammed - unplug at the wall. Are 11 yos too clueless to do that?

Power cut - not an immediate emergency, unless it's dark and the lights have gone out, or you have some essential medical equipment.

Unless you're actually using electrical equipment at the time, you might not even notice in daytime.

Also, with regards to the power cut/water leaking, these are actually good things to happen in that they aren’t life threatening and is a little step towards how they solve problems on their own.

My eldest was 11 when I started leaving her for an hour or so , youngest was 10 but her sister was there

Perfect age to start leaving him home for a few hours. I don’t see anything wrong with it, as long as he has a phone to contact you. I’d be looking to break the co-dependency before he starts high school.

The only one of those which is a concern is the gas leak. Pretty sure that wouldn't happen with a modern gas cookers even in the unlikely event of an 11 year of deciding to spend his time doing a bit of spring cleaning.

Cant he do an activity at the weekend? Sports team?

not good for him to he in the house doing nothing all the time

I'm going to come away from the thread now as, as always on MN, some of the comments start to become absolutely and utterly ridiculous.

Thank you once again to the normal people who have commented. I really appreciate your time and advice.

Before you go, as a normal person, yes 11 is 100% normal and ok to leave home alone. They get themselves to school at this age - mine across London by tube, when I grew up I was crossing another European city by tube from aged 9. It’s safe and it’s normal. I left mine for a chunk of time at 11.

I would absolutely leave a 10/11 year old home alone for a couple of hours.
By the time they are in Year 7, most children will be alone all day on inset days.

I don't think I've had that much calamity befall me in my entire life, let alone while home alone for a couple of hours aged 10 😂

I leave my sensible 11 yr old for 30-6mins regularly. She’s home from school first etc. However, I wouldn’t allow her to miss a family outing. A shop, gym, yes. A healthy trip and relational time, no! So the concern is more the health of your relationship and dynamics.