What age is ok to leave child alone?

[Sailawayx]

My son is 11 in June and is becoming increasingly against doing things with me out of the house. He's happy to ride his bike on our cul de sac, play games on his PS with his friends, hates coming to the supermarket with me and will constantly say no to days out or walks etc.

It's to the point, I come home from work and don't leave the house until I go back to work, as he will flat refuse to come anywhere with me. I'm a single parent and he doesn't see his dad much, most of my friends are in relationships and so I literally spend 99% of my days with him or alone when he goes out onto the street for an hour.

I'm starting to become extremely lonely and feel really isolated. At what age can I say bugger this, I'm off for a walk for an hour? Or allowed to go to a gym class for an hour? I am absolutely sick to death of not being able to go anywhere without arguments, strops or attitude. I'm also sick to death of sitting here, alone and having no communication unless it's requests for food or money. This can't be my life until he's 16 surely.

We knew that our son would have to let himself in after school 2 months after turning 11 when he started secondary school. For a couple of months before starting Y7, we left him for 15 mins while we walked the dog, then 30 mins, then an hour on a Sunday morning. He has his phone charged and switched on, the doors locked, a key and a neighbour 'on call' if he needs them.
In an ideal world, I'd not leave him yet but he gets home from school before I get home from work and needed to get used to being home alone.

Me son is super responsible and 10 and a half, he gets left up to an hour now. We have a landline, he knows how to use it, and what to do in an emergency. I always take my phone with me. It means I can pop to the shop, pick my other child up from somewhere or pop a parcel out. I think we are maybe 6 months to a year away from me going to a friend's house or a gym class. I think it depends on the child, how does he behave if he cuts his finger, how does he behave if the fire alarm goes off, can he call someone on the phone, does he know what happens when you dial 999? Start teaching him some of these things if he currently wouldn't cope with them. If he'd be fine, build up to it by popping to the shop etc and see how he feels and how he behaves. Tbh the fact he "refuses" to ever go out with you, makes him sound quite immature and like he might not follow your instructions if left alone, discuss this with him and it's fine to insist he does accompany you sometimes. You could also;
Ask a neighbour to keep an eye on him
Invite friends over to yours instead of going out

Mine are 9 and a half - I regularly leave them for supermarket trips or gym or to pop to a friends house for a cuppa. They can call me and we live in a terraced house with lots of neighbours we know.

Dd was about 11 when I started leaving her for no more than 2 hours.

shes 13 now and I leave her with her younger sibling ( 9 ) for no more than an hour and a half together. I wouldn’t leave the 9 year old on their own though.

We started in around Y6 aged 10 almost 11.
I think it's a case of are they comfortable
Then what would you do if there was a fire, what would you do if someone knocked on the door, if you were worried. Strict instructions not to answer the door or stick metal in the toaster. My DS' knows our neighbours and knows he can knock if needed and has numbers for relatives that live within 5 miles.
But we started small, dropping off a sibling, taking the dog out, then building to a bit longer to say pop to meet a friend locally, then to the supermarket etc. Its taking baby steps towards independence.
He's 13 now, I'd leave him for a few hours comfortably, close enough to return quickly if needed. He goes to school alone and into town with friends occasionally (which is new this year). Walking home from school alone started in Y6.

If he doesn't feel comfortable being left for even very short periods knowing you are close then the deal is they have to come with you. It's ok if he doesn't, but not ok for it to dictate your whole weekends

I left my 10 year old for 90 minutes this morning whilst I went on a run. He knows what to do in an emergency, and is pretty sensible. It’s light, we have neighbours, he can call me if he needs to. In reality, he was still chatting to his friend and playing Xbox when I returned.

I am in a similar position OP except I have 2, 9 and 10. This actually makes it harder as seperately they would be fine, but together they can argue, wind each other up etc.

I have started leaving them home alone to pop to the shop (local) and now also to go for a run. I am gone around 40 minutes. They have a phone to contact me, and I tell them where i am going. They have had it drummed in not to do stupid shit. They know how to call emergency services, not to try to cook/mess with the log burner etc. What to do in case of a fire. Dc1 will be walking to the bus stop to catch a bus to secondary school in a few months so its good to start learning independance

An hour or two at that age will be fine, he will probably use it as a good opportunity to be on his screen or watch TV.

he will flat refuse to come anywhere with me…I am absolutely sick to death of not being able to go anywhere without arguments, strops or attitude
This is unacceptable. He should be doing what you tell him to do at 10. This needs serious intervention now as if you cannot control him at 10, you have no chance at 15.

At what age can I say bugger this, I'm off for a walk for an hour? Or allowed to go to a gym class for an hour?
I started small with going for a quick run with mine. You cannot go from never alone for one minute to needing to be independent as soon as they start high school.

It’s fine to leave a sensible 10 to go food shopping.

He is absolutely at the right age & sounds like he would welcome it.

why don’t you try popping to the shop/supermarket and build it up a little.

make sure he knows how to contact you, get out the house in an rmergejcy etc.

I just cannot fathom an adult thinking it's OK to leave a 12yo in charge of younger children. Home alone, yes, if the parents have told the child where the stop valves are for the gas and water, but not in charge of other children.

I would have been 14 when I was left in charge of my sister (10/11) and was unable to prevent her from breaking a piece of furniture by deliberately mistreating it. If I couldn't stop her, how could a 12yo have done so?

He could shower alone

Only if you have a rubber mat. I bought a mat after slipping and banging my head on the tilework.

At 11 I was home with my 7 yo brother from 9-5 Mon-Fri in school holidays, except for when my Dad popped home from the office to check on us and feed us at lunchtime.

We had a great time.

What kind of 10 yo is "deliberately mistreating" furniture? If your 10 yo is a destructive maniac then it's probably best you don't leave them with anyone. And maybe try disciplining them.

The 10yo in question had undiagnosed-at-the-time ADHD and thought that a Poang chair made a good trampoline. The 14yo was autistic, also undiagnosed, yelled at her to stop, and then barricaded herself in her room and had a meltdown after the chair broke.

I was so scared that I would be blamed. It's not fair to burden even a neurotypical kid with that duty of care over a younger sibling.

She was bouncing on a chair so you barricaded yourself in a room and had a meltdown...sorry all of this is just miles away from typical children at 10 and 14.

By 5 our sofa bouncing days were long behind us and on the rare occasions when my brother did break something (usually playing with balls in the house, which I did usually remind him he shouldn't be doing) I'd shrug and say, "Mum is going to kill you when she gets home."

And we're both autistic and I'm also ADHD so we're not even average.

"If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person." Just because you don't meltdown easily, doesn't mean I don't. My meltdown resistance, even as an adult, sometimes doesn't allow for a supermarket trip.

My mother didn't quite grasp the idea that my sister wouldn't obey me and blamed me if she did something whilst I was left "in charge". As I said, it's an unfair burden for any child to be placed in charge of a younger one, because the older one gets blamed for what they could not stop.

Neither of us were diagnosed, so neither had any kind of SEND support or even family awareness that we weren't and couldn't be as mature as other girls. Girls just weren't diagnosed in the 80s.

I started doing couch to 5k in similar circumstances, you’re only out for about half an hour, forty minutes or so and I found it made me feel much better.

Unlike a shopping trip, where you can get caught in traffic or meet a friend and get chatting for ages, Cto5K has a very reliable return time. Plus, it really clears your head.

My eldest has been staying at home whilst I shop or take siblings to activities since age 9. They are fine with it I’m fine with it - they have an iPad so can message me - I don’t see the issue and why some parents are pearl clutchers about it

It depends on the child. At 11 they can be fine on their own for an hour or so

Mumsnet always surprises me. I’ve just come from a post where the vast majority of people thought an 11 year old should travel to school on a train and by walking unaccompanied to one where a lot of people seem to think an 11 year old shouldn’t be left home alone.

I leave my 11 year old home alone. I started by just going for a 15 min dog walk. Then built up. I rarely leave them more than an hour and check in by text as well. I don’t go far (never more than 10 mins away).

I wouldn’t let your 11 year old opt out of everything though - they need to do a few things they don’t want and have some family time.

I think it depends where you live and how responsible your child is. Realistically, if your child is turning 11 they will be traveling to secondary school alone soon. I don't see an issue with leaving them for short bursts to start with. Start with popping out for 15 minutes and build up. Make a list of rules and leave them on the front door and the fridge. Also leave a plan - what to do on a emergency and who to call of he can't get through to you.

Its an unfair burden to be placed on children that aren't capable, as you weren't, but the vast majority of 14 year olds would not find that a difficult burden. I started babysitting around 13 years old and the only time it was an unfair burden was when the child was only a couple of years younger than me and had behavioural difficulties.