What age is ok to leave child alone?

[Sailawayx]

My son is 11 in June and is becoming increasingly against doing things with me out of the house. He's happy to ride his bike on our cul de sac, play games on his PS with his friends, hates coming to the supermarket with me and will constantly say no to days out or walks etc.

It's to the point, I come home from work and don't leave the house until I go back to work, as he will flat refuse to come anywhere with me. I'm a single parent and he doesn't see his dad much, most of my friends are in relationships and so I literally spend 99% of my days with him or alone when he goes out onto the street for an hour.

I'm starting to become extremely lonely and feel really isolated. At what age can I say bugger this, I'm off for a walk for an hour? Or allowed to go to a gym class for an hour? I am absolutely sick to death of not being able to go anywhere without arguments, strops or attitude. I'm also sick to death of sitting here, alone and having no communication unless it's requests for food or money. This can't be my life until he's 16 surely.

And I just remembered that during lockdown children of keyworkers didn't get to go into secondary school because they were deemed old enough from 11 to look after themselves for 10 hours (if you include travel). Both of my younger DC would have starved because they wouldn't have made themselves anything to eat. Not because they couldn't, but because they wouldn't have wanted to.

How do your DC contact you if they're going somewhere with friends after school/having an impromptu sleepover etc?

At home? Maybe a dumb phone but even those have messaging. Smartphone no way: they lead to depression, anxiety, cyberbullying, reduced sleep, addiction, and exposure to inappropriate content.

That's your choice obviously but I suggest it’s an unusual one. More than 90% of 12yos in the UK have a smart phone. I am not saying that makes it the right decision, but a teen with no smartphone will be a real outlier.

As others have said, nipping out to a local shop, can start from 8,9,10, depending to some extent on the child, but the big change comes at 11 when they start secondary school. Most kids can get themselves to school then, on foot or by bus, and are fine to be left for a couple of hours for you to go to the gym or shopping etc. As long as they are able to contact you in case of emergency, they usually enjoy the freedom as will you!

The child is 10.

And this has then lead to a massive reduction in public telephones, which has then made it much harder for people who choose not to have mobiles. Which is really frustrating. We've chosen a phone for DS which is technically a smart phone but only has access to maps, calls, texts and Spotify. It looks and feels like a smart phone but he can't get social media (except WhatsApp of we decide to allow that). Seems to me to be a good interim step whilst we evaluate a more complete smart phone.

Pp said they wouldn’t allow a phone for an under 16. And somewhat in a tone (tho hard to assess online) that implied (to me anyway) that having a phone under 16 was unusual. I was just flagging that in fact it is very usual. Not saying if that’s right wrong tho.

I'm also a lone parent.
Before he was old enough to be left alone I would get a baby sitter or friends to mind him so I could go out now and again. Sitters in the evening and friends if I wanted to go for a run in the day. Not very often, but enough for me to keep my sense of self and for him to see I had my own interests that are important to me.

Around age 9, 10 I'd pop to the local shop.
Around 10 I'd go for a run alone.

We went through what he'd need to do ICE - fire, water coming through ceiling, feeling unwell, door bell.
I took my mobile with me and he could use the landline to call me if needed.
I slowly extended the time as he demonstrated that he was happy, safe and knew what to do in unexpected situations. Leaving him in the day for longer stretches happened sooner than going out in the evening. Him putting himself to bed/locking up/house check etc came a bit later still.

I would have increased it more during the following year but.....covid.
His big bro came home for that so it wasn't a problem then.

Then he was old enough anyway, as he was at secondary.

I've been leaving my DD at longer intervals since she was 9. At 11 they're almost at secondary school and need to be independent so this was my goal. DD is 11 now and walks to and from school, admittedly this isn't far at all only a few minutes but it's still responsibility she needs for secondary. She also stays home while I go shopping or appointments and such. Just make sure they know what to do in an emergency and can do the locks etc on the windows in case of a fire.

DS 14 has none of these issues, DS 18's anxiety is perfectionist anxiety and nothing to do with having a smartphone. Everything to do with being GAT when he was younger.

The ambulance crew would see the child in the car, and, if he was uninjured, the hospital would arrange for him to be cared for by someone, SS in extremis.

If he's at home alone and OP is unconscious so can't tell anyone about him, no one knows that he exists and needs to be looked after.

My dad once didn't come home from work until 10pm. I was at least thirteen. It never occurred to me to knock on a neighbour's door nor call my (divorced and moved-out) mum. We didn't have a phone number for his workplace and the nearest extended family were over 200 miles away.

I didn't even attempt to prepare food for myself and my sister because I didn't know when he'd be home and I thought I'd be in trouble if we ate without him. Plus I had no idea how to combine the contents of the cupboards into a meal. I was feeling faint by the time he returned.

Don't assume that a child will behave as an adult would.

Mum was absolutely steaming when she found out that he'd not even phoned the house to tell us when he'd be home and tell us to (try to) make our own dinner.

That is unusual for a 13 year old though, most would think to make calls or try a neighbour (if they know their neighbours) and most would know how to make a simple meal out of whatever they can find in the cupboard/fridge - my DD could do that at 5 years old (I had some illness for a couple of days where I couldn't keep awake for long so she basically looked after herself all day until my OH came home, making herself (cold, no cooking) lunch, so I'd definitely expect her to figure out what to do if I didn't come home as expected by around 7 or 8, and definitely by 13. My youngest is 8 and he calls me from his watch phone all the time so I have no doubt he'd call if he was home alone and we were even 5 minutes late! He called me the other day to tell me not to worry that he wasn't home from school yet because he's just walking slower than normal

I suspect that most people would have food in the house that just heats up, like soup, and would have cheese or something else to go into a sandwich. My dad isn't that kind of shopper.

I've also realised that there's a lot of remembered fear underpinning my posts. Fear that I'd be in trouble for not stopping my sister, who my parents couldn't control, so no idea why they'd expect me to, from breaking things. Fear that I'd be in trouble for eating without my dad, who ironically was annoyed that we hadn't eaten without him. Feeling like I wasn't allowed to call mum for help when it was "dad's week" and he'd dropped the ball.

Even now, I'd sooner gouge my eyeballs out with a grapefruit spoon than ask my parents for help.

If you are raising your kids with less fear of being blamed for things that are not their fault and a greater willingness to seek help instead of panicking or struggling alone or just going without a need being met, then by all means leave your 11yo at home. Just make sure they know where the breakers and the stopcocks are for all the utilities.

I'm sorry, it does sound like there was a lot of fear in your childhood, and that is of course going to make it much much harder for you to do things or make decisions when fearing what action will get the worst reaction. That's of course going to colour your decisions now - you never want to put your children in the same fearful situation you were in and that is very understandable. I was lucky that I had parents that never made me afraid of their reactions, so I could make mistakes and know I'd be forgiven and always knew I could ask for help so I felt safe doing things that you didn't feel safe doing, and that's why I feel safe letting my children do those things because (I hope) they aren't afraid either.

There’s no legal age but if he isn’t trustworthy and causes harm to himself then you can be liable.
I’ve suggested to my sensible 9 year old that she could but she’s too worried to at the moment and so I’ll play by her rules on this.

I’d have a serious conversation with him and say that you’re prepared to allow him to stay at home alone for things like supermarket trips but things like a walk are for his health too and if he refuses then he’s showing he’s not mature enough to be making decisions and to be left alone.

I agree that he can be left, I don’t agree that he’s controlling you and by allowing that you’re going to have a horrid teenager. So make it play to your rules or take stuff away - like his PS!

But surely it's more likely he'd also be injured. With a toddler, this argument makes sense but a child even of 5/6 (which I'm not suggesting is a suitable age to leave them alone) wouldn't just quietly starve to death alone- they'd have the self-preservation instinct to get out and find someone to help.

That depends on how the parents have raised the child.

Parents often assume that their children would flee the house if there was a fire. Unfortunately, the children's bodies are often recovered from inside wardrobes because they instinctively hide from danger.

Teach your children what to do if things go wrong. Don't just assume that they will figure it out in the moment.