Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

[bidoofisgod]

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it?
I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off.
All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs

Sorry, rant over

Thank you for your kind words.

I don’t think I referred to anyone’s intelligence? The pedantic nature of your response shows great attention to detail you possess as you’ve got all the answers…

I’m saying how it is for men and if mums wish to dismiss our feelings towards it, without working together then there is no resolution on the horizon?

You find a way to afford it.

Time will tell.

Thank you for your time today and hope the discussion brought a little clarity on fathers prospective. No intention to hurt anyone’s feelings.

good luck,

It's just solidified what I assumed some mens perspective is, and their priorities tbh. Judgement and control of their ex, criticising yet falling short of their own responsibilities, and quick to make shirty excuses as to why they don't do their fare share.

So actually, it's handy hearing it from the horses mouth tbh.

How am I falling short?

The same system you’re relying on, I’m keeping to?

Am I not allowed to have an opinion?

@FlirtsWithRhinos yes of course

Hakovirta et al (2019) Child Poverty, Child Maintenance and Interactions with Social Assistance Benefits among Lone Parent Families : A Comparative Analysis. Journal of Social Policy. pp. 19-3

Just checked the source as it's been a while since I've read it, and it's 60% not 70% as I originally stated so apologies!

Also see

edm.parliament.uk/early-day-motion/49828/gingerbread-report-on-child-maintenance-service

I don't rely on any system.

You are falling short because you are openly criticising your ex, the mother of your child. You say she neglects him, yet you leave her to do the majority. You begrudge £400 per month contribution towards your sons life, even though you earn 50k plus. You say you want her to be basically on the breadline, yet your sons lives with her the majority, so it's him that loses out. You want to know what she spends her money on when it's none of your business, you post countless posts on here all about her. What's wrong with her parenting, what she does.

You don't actually get it. At all.

I would if I can afford it but instead feel like I’m being pushed/pulled because I want a relationship with my son…

It barely costs £250. How on earth are you providing all the clothing etc for your child on top of your "huge" child maintenance payments if you cannot afford a court fee?

The mother decided to change his nursery, not me.

I would like to know my son is in a bed, fed and clothed like any parent would?

I only raise questions on where the money goes as I see it physically in his appearance?

Have you been to court yourself or held discussions with a legal representative?

initially it is £250 correct, that’s only the start of a long battle..,

What do you see? Him in clothes he is outgrowing? Is that it?

Have you been to court yourself or held discussions with a legal representative?

initially it is £250 correct, that’s only the start of a long battle..,

I've had 3 family court cases. I'm now a McKenzie friend in family law lol. I'm in private children's act proceeding hearings most weeks.

You only pay one court fee. You don't need a solicitor. You don't even need a McKenzie friend. So rather than bleating on here about how hard your life is - like most bitter dads that rely on the labour of women to prop up their jobs but don't want to pay towards their kids - make an application to court. Good news - most dads that request 50/50 get it, and if the mum alleges DA the dad is normally awarded more contact time so you literally have nothing to lose 🙄

You keep changing your story. YOu said right upfront that you can't have him more because you work. And I have to wonder - do you even have him every weekend? Is it 2/7 pr is it actually 1/7 or 2/14?

Having days off nursery, attending school photos without a haircut, sleeping on sofas.

when should a father question?

@GingerIsBest of course he has him every other weekend because he views his child like a possession and only has them when it's convenient for them.

@Daddycool2024 you sound controlling and coercive to me. Why didn't you take your son for a hair cut before his school photos? If you think your son doesn't have a bed why haven't you offered to buy one?

Pointless discussion. I’m not going to discuss silly points as to the amount of time I have him.

I work Monday-Friday yes. I collected him after work initially until my ex moved his school.

Controlling and cohesive? Because I’m asking about the welfare of my son? Controlling would be to not send CMS payments etc?

@RMNofTikTok please read the thread before having your throwaway comments. I never referred to him not having a bed. I referred him being sent to a step sisters house to sleep on a sofa overnight when mums ‘busy’ - how would you feel knowing your child is on a sofa when you pay towards their living arrangements?

People take their kids for hair cut before school photos? The kid is off nursery sometimes? And sometimes sleeps on the sofa? Unless the child is actually being neglected, you are just having differences of opinion in parenting.

If you're worried, then go to court and get 50/50 and you can get the child a hair cut before school photos and make sure they go to nursery every day. You can self-represent and the chances are you'll get it, and you won't have to pay any maintenance.

Of course it'll cost you a lot more than you currently pay in maintenance to look after your child half the time..

My ex pays about 8% of his salary, and has the kids a couple of times a month (and almost no overnights). It's a pittance. I spend a lot more than he does on them, and I provide all their care. Fathers (in my experience) just aren't prepared to put in the work and put the kids first, they'd prefer to brow-beat the child's mothers to do it for them.

This would be very funny except that it's also very sad beause there's a woman and a child who are having to deal with you daily. It's astonishing how you ignore or attempt to deflect any of the questions that you know perfectly well show you in a bad light.

The situation is that my poor little boy is standing waiting for someone to collect him!

Funny. My DH, who I am happily in a relationship with, got a bit slack on dropping DD at school on his days and she was late 3 times in two weeks. I was annoyed and told him he had to improve. He acknowledged this and has improved.

And yet you, with an ex you think is incompetent, apparently who also allows your 2 year old "standing waiting for someone to collect him" have done nothing? If DH and I were separated, and he didn't collect our child, I'd be doing everything in my power to take him away from our child as he's not reliable.

As for the goddamn haircut? FFS. Get over yourself. Maybe she doesn't care about his hair being a bit long. Maybe, if that's such a big deal, you can carry on getting his hair cut, including before any official school photos.

I feel for your ex. Also, FYI, chances are your son will be onto you at some point too and your relatinshio with him will fail too. You'll tell everyone she poisoned him against you too. Sigh. I hope you're single - no new woman deserves this.

lol @Daddycool2024

So he can't have a sleepover with his aunty because you "pay towards his living arrangements"?

That is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

God help our country.

You’re representing at children’s hearings most weeks and now fabricating controlling/cohesive behaviour and suggesting I see my son as a ‘possession’ when speaking my opinion, on limited information.

says it all.

Totally agree and don't have an answer. When ex h grudgingly threw my maintenance cheque at me after leading a double life with his secretary for 7 years, he told me I can "go and spend it on jewellery". Would've been great but as he was paying the minimum, his kids would've starved...

So are you taking legal action to get your child 50:50?

What questions would put me into a bad light?

i work full time and I see my son every weekend and pay what is asked of me.

I started seeing him 50/50 which changed due to mothers choices.

Your words of ‘having to deal with me’, think about it. There’s fathers that pay nothing but I’m such a horrible person for speaking up lol.

My relationship with my son is strong, won’t ever fail as I get him every week and support him when he’s with me,