Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

[bidoofisgod]

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it?
I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off.
All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs

Sorry, rant over

Lots of reasons, it was used as a control, they believe you are spending it all on yourself, my ex actually said in front of the kids I'm not paying it they aren't worth that much so they think it's too much to spend. ! In another recent conversation he was shocked to learn I was funding all our daughters driving lessons - proved the money was spent on them and he looked in disbelief 🫢.
I cannot wait until mine stops, 7 more payments. I've put myself in a position where when it does stop I'm due an incremental pay rise to the same amount so won't notice it missing and I won't miss that last level of control by making me ask for it regularly nor seeing his name in my bank statement!!

You could've had sympathy until you said "cos my ex is unreasonable"
Always the exs fault right? How dare she demand you pay your share of raising your kids 🙄

In this situation, I don't believe you should have to pay maintenance. You have care of your children not far off half the time and have your own expenses to pay for them while they are with you. Then you are expected to also help your ex pay for the children, so effectively, you are probably paying more to raise them than she is. This is where I believe the CMS system is flawed.

It unreasonable to stop me actually look after them and force me to pay for her to do it instead.

But you know, even if you have 50/50 care, she can still claim maintenance via cms? So you could have them more and still be forced to pay because one parent ultimately pays more, who pays for the haircuts? The world book day costume? The Christmas Fair donations? The school trip to the zoo? The water bottles, lunch boxes, the cards and gifts for the various birthday parties they are invited to?
Also who was the main carer before you split? Did you ex sacrifice her career to raise your children whilst you were able to seek promotion without having to worry about childcare? Take on the entire mental load and for you to split and demand 50/50 just so you don't have to pay her anything? Why does that make her unreasonable?
I may be wrong, you may have been the sahp whilst she sought out a career etc, but the vast vast majority of relationships it is the mother who makes the sacrifices, and is then expected to sacrifice her time with the dc when she splits because you are so bitter about paying her a fair amount. Which is literally, what this thread is all about

Well, without knowing the situation, assuming you're a good dad etc, then I'd agree - it's not reasonable to insist on less time for no good reason.

But there are often a LOT of variables:

do you earn a LOT more than her? so 50/50 would make ti very difficult for her to maintain the children's standard of living without your contribution?

Do you take on 50% of all non-living-related costs (or would you) eg uniforms and clothes, after school activities, gifts (for the DD and their friends at parties etc), sports kit and equipment, phones etc?

When you have the DC are you as on top of all the things like bedtime routines, homework, hygiene? Are you proactive and engaged to organise playdates or sort our arrangements for parties? Do they attend extra curricular events?

It might be that all of these are relevant, some, or none. But it impacts the decision making for your ex.

@GingerIsBest based on his own post I can't comprehend that he is saying he wants to have his kids more often. Why so he doesn't have to pay for his four children? In reality it often falls on one person because things like taking the kids to school and drop off aren't possible for both parents to do 50/50 I suspect there's much more to the situation. I get over £400 and I have 1 child never mind 4 kids!

Well yes, but as he has the children 6/14 days, £400 is not that little. He's almost at 50/50 so I don't think it's the same as a dad who has one kid but only has them 3/14.

@GingerIsBest for 4 kids? Are you joking? Its not about days here nor nights when you have 4 kids. I can't imagine hiw expensive September is for school uniforms, dinners, trainers and all the rest.

A non resident parent who is paying £100/ week because of a one night difference obviously has a lot of kids and earns a lot of money. Because that’s more than my ex is supposed to pay me for my two kids and he has them ZERO nights a year and he earns £36,000.

so I’m guessing that @Another2022 earns in excess of £120,000 / year.

amd on that kind of income he can afford to go to court and ask for the kids 50:50.

Oh my word @Talk66talkwhy are you hounding me? I 100% agree that men should step up. I've pointed out why his ex might not be so keen on him and highlighted all the things she might expect him to pay for that he's not.

I'm just making the point that from a CMS point of view, if he has the children 6/14, the amount they will expect him to pay is lower. That's just a fact.

@GingerIsBest nobody is hounding you.

You haven't actually bothered to read what I write and keep tagging me while being outraged that this man is paying £400 for 4 children who he has almost 50% of the time.... But okay. Sure.

FYI We share the usual costs, clothing (esp school uniform which cost us £600 in spet and we split). I probably earn twice as much as her but it's only 40k. She actually receives about the same as I do a month due to benefits etc. I have a mortgage tho and she lives in the house I left mortgage free so she has a fair bit more disposable.

Yes I'm a good parent and do all the things everyone expects a mum to do..I have to when they're with me don't I?

Tbh I think if she let them live with me half the time I'd resent giving her money a lot less. Kids are happy at both houses which are a few mins walk from each other. It's less about giving her money to spend on the kids, it's more than she takes time away from us being together (Sunday evenings after a nice weekend together are horrible) and because of that I'm forced to give her money.

Also works the same with mothers failing to pay maintenance. 5k in arrears and job hopping every 6 months so, at most they get one attachment on earnings before changing job, moving house, and the chase continues.

Well lucky you, I get £6 a week and have my 4 children full time (no nights off) I would be delighted with £400 a month!

OMG! £25 a month - shameless fucker.

@bidoofisgod Maybe his ‘bitterness’ is him transferring his shame onto you. He can’t not be embarrassed by being able to buy a house while paying £25 a month towards his children ☹️.

@CherryPiePiePie have you done a mandatory reconsideration? Have you started the court process? That's what I'm doing now I'm still awaiting a date for a hearing taking over 1 year... there was no way I was having 4 babies with my ex it has been so hard and quite frankly I cut my losses after the 1st child!

I think a lot of men view their children as extensions of their ex/her responsibility. So when they move on from their ex, they expect to be able to move on from their children (except on their terms - the fun "uncle" stuff like taking them out at the weekend and buying them ice cream). And they become resentful when they still have that financial responsibility, which they don't really accept is theirs, when they're not getting anything out of the relationship with the children's mother anymore (sex, housekeeping services, a place to live etc.).

@CrispieCake I agree. Also men who just think the mum gets all this money so they don't have to pay!

My one escaped paying maintenance by going abroad. Don't know where he is or whether he's alive or dead.

The thing is though this works both ways.

Plenty try to minimise Dad's contact time to claim maintenance and use the system to do so.

Additionally when you read MN you get the impression whether it's 100 a month or 1000 it's still 'the minimum'

I'd love to see these figures. I've seen plenty on Gingerbread and other sources that say two thirds of single mums get nothing.

Where are the figures for these fathers desperate to see their kids, presumably they are actually paying for? Not that it's pay per view but IME if they cba to pay they also don't think about them enough to bother seeing them...

Well yes. Different salaries would be different minimums.

I do cringe when I see people on Mn referring to 1k a month as pennies, try getting actual pennies my kids get 25p a day.