Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

[bidoofisgod]

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it?
I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off.
All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs

Sorry, rant over

Exactly. Haven't had a penny in over 10 years here!

Yes always the minimum...

55 thousand cases in the last year recorded in terms of court applications. The vast majority of them will of course be Father's.

Gingerbread yes the completely unbiased organisation on the matter. A bit like the Guardian or Daily Mail when it comes to politics..

I think if it was translated into vouchers by the CMS a lot more NRP would be less hesitant to pay.

So how would that work ? What kind of vouchers could be used to pay a part of a gas or electric bill, rent or mortgage, for petrol , travel costs , bus or train fares , childcare, school uniform or food , supermarket shops, school meals or after school activities ?

We have that kind of voucher already , it’s called money.

Don’t tell me you are one of these people who thinks that the children of separated parents don’t need any of these things ? That they don’t need a roof over their heads , a warm dry home, food to eat, clothes to wear , travel , an education , or any hobbies or clubs?

Or is it that the resident parent should pay 100% of these boring tedious costs and that the money from the non resident parent should only be used for fun things like days out and new trainers. .

What always pissed me off (my DC are adults now) was the whole “I can’t afford it” excuse because he was paying me a third of what he should have been paying. I couldn’t just say “I can’t afford to feed or clothe them” and shrug. I HAD to afford it. I had to find the money from somewhere, come what may. We can’t just say “I’ve only got an income of £7K so the nippers will just have to starve”.

@HebburnPokemon comments like that really make me laugh!.

@Menomeno said perfectly.

@Talk66talk

I think it's probably a useful concept.

My ex was terrible with paying any costs towards our daughter until i suggested he paid her monthly travel ticket, phone bill, and put £50 directly into her account.

He now pays consistently and also pays for things that daughter directly asks for.

@WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive that's for older kids at teens. Weather it's vouchers or not the money still needs to be paid I doubt it will make any difference.

I think it’s a terrible concept, giving children money direct, or insisting on vouchers,. It smacks of being too much of a controlling knob to trust the person who has majority care of your child to actually use the money to meet their needs: all about power and control.

How many 13/14/15 year-olds do you know who would willingly give back what is effectively ‘pocket money’ to their resident parent for the gas bill. No? Didn’t think so.

It also leaves children open to being manipulated, along lines of ‘I give you money, don’t know what your Mum is moaning about!’ Kids don’t understand the real cost of running a house, salary and pension penalties from being the one who took time out for career etc.

but mostly, yeah, it’s about men who can’t bear to admit someone other than them can make financial decisions.

Juicing

Because they want power 'over' you.
And they don't care that they hurt their children in the process. My own exH would rather be right than his children be safe/warm/fed.

@ApocalypseNowt fully agree with your comment. My ex actually said 'the children are a product of our relationship and if you leave me and we are no longer together, I don't see them as mine' I mean, really-wtf?

My ex has been crap at helping pay for the children and I’ve struggled as a single parent for 13 years.

My reward is adult children who understand the truth of what each parent has done for them.

I pay £400 a month for maintenance and have one child.

I feel disgruntled as mum decided to leave the relationship and now is financially compensated with the situation.

I see my son every weekend (showing up with clothes too small for him, not going to nursery etc) and I love every moment, ensuring he has everything he needs. I do not receive any government help.

on handover, mum is dressed to impress whereas I feel for my son.

To answer the question, yes I feel upset when paying maintenance as we both decided to have a child. I will pay the amount due to keep my dignity and prove the stereotype of ‘fathers’ is incorrect as we actually want impact our children’s life positively.

@Daddycool2024 Why feel disgruntled? Is your child happy & well fed? If your ex works, it costs far more than £800 a month to feed, clothe, care for and house your child.

I split from my ex, and paid £750 a month in childcare in 2010 for our DS. Plus food, clothes, shoes, heat, hot water, books, toys.

Even once ds was at school, I was spending £200 a month on after-school club, plus all the other things, and full time holiday club. That was a decade ago so prices will have doubled.

And if your ex is turning herself out nicely, why should you mind? So she's making a bit of an effort. Is she supposed to wear a hairshirt because the relationship failed? Happy mums generally mean happy DCs.

It's because they never wanted kids in the first place. They only agreed to appease their partner. The majority of men do not want kids.

So because it was your ex's decision to leave she doesn't deserve child maintenance

People have a right to choose whether to be in a relationship or not !!!

Horrible

@Daddycool2024 I'm genuinely interested. Your child is happy, safe, well fed, well cared for, spends time with you. What exactly is it that you resent? It might help me understand what my ex's problem is with me.

I've cared for my DS single handed for more than 13 years. I've worked full time throughout, and done all the washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, dressing, ferrying around. I've done every sports day, parents evening, nativity play, dentist appt, hospital run. I've taught DS to ride his bike, to swim, to play chess, to ski. I've helped with homework, baked birthday cakes, hosted play dates, organised parties, guided him through gcses.

Our son is lovely. Healthy, happy, well educated, polite. And yet my ex still simmers with resentment after more than a decade. Why?

You are missing the point entirely.

The £400 a month I pay, is somewhat more than some of the mothers in this post, instead my son is receiving less.

I see my son every weekend as I work Mon-Friday. I still pay for things like clothing, haircuts etc.

My ex doesn’t work at all. The £1500 a month plus CMS and any other benefit they receive is more than the average UK wage.

if I’m lucky to earn a salary increase, this means my ex partner is given more money through CMS.

point: if I was earning £100,000 a year - payments would be circa £800 a month. With parenthood commonly being 50/50 - what 2 year old needs £1,600 to live?

I still remember the absolute prick who ranted and raved to me about how he couldn't understand why his ex was so 'hostile' to him. Then it turned out that he paid no maintenance, his kids needed new shoes and his ex discovered the 4k in cash he had hidden behind the skirting board.

I needed my poker face that day I can tell you.

@Meadowfinch

Thanks for replying.

From my prospective, if CMS determine a monetary amount that is sufficient for upbringing of a child, then I expect my son to have everything they need.

My comment regarding my ex ‘dressing to impress’ has been taken out of context - if my son had clothes that fit and went to nursery, I wouldn’t care.

I always paid what we agreed at the start of our separation to help with the upkeep of my son. Since then, My ex thought I was earning more which resulted in her contacting CMS. This suggests that is fuelled by financial gain.

My views of a father is to be there whenever, emotionally and financially. It feels that co-parenting has become a financial battle rather than both parents doing the right thing for the child.

If you had your child 50/50, you'd not pay a penny. The 400pcm you are paying is to plug the gap between what you should be having them and what you actually are having them.

It's interesting you say "I have my son weekends because I work Mon-Fri" but then in the next breathe you comment on the fact that the mother doesn't work. She has the child Mon-Fri.

So either working and having the child is impossible, hence why you see them weekends, or it isn't, in which case you could do a proper 50/50. Which is it?

@Daddycool2024 OK. Thanks. The trouble is, the amount that the CMS specifies, is based on a percentage of your income, and bears no relation to what it actually costs to provide for a child.

I resorted at one point, to providing my ex with copies of every receipt, to show what I spent money on. Nothing was frivolous, just basics like afterschool club, shoes, food, electricity, a winter coat, books. It didn't make any difference to his attitude so I gave up. Now I maintain a breezy calm and let the snide digs pass over me.

As for clothes not fitting....my ds went to spend a few days with his dad yesterday, in jeans that are up round his ankles. He's at that teen stage, as fast as I buy things he grows out of them. He's not bothered 😊

Try not to let your co-parenting relationship with your ex go sour. The only person who will suffer as a result is your child. One day your child will want you to happily co-exist at their wedding or graduation. It's important.

@SecondUsername4me

My son is at nursery Monday-Friday 9am-3pm. I pick him up from nursery on Fridays and take him back to mums Sunday evening.