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Original poster

Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

645 replies

bidoofisgod · 31/01/2024 18:34

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it?
I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off.
All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs

Sorry, rant over

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 03/02/2024 16:58

primprim · 31/01/2024 20:43

So right

Show quote history

Yeah

RMNofTikTok · 04/02/2024 00:56

cadburyegg · 03/02/2024 11:34

With my ex it’s resentment plus ignorance of how much children actually cost.

This is outing but in November last year I remortgaged and took ex off, transferred him £100k to buy him out of the house. Then just before Christmas he suddenly stopped paying maintenance. I opened a CMS claim and got a letter back saying he didn’t have to pay anything because his income was coming from benefits. Turns out he quit his job and has gone self employed, and is on a start up period with UC where he gets to build up his business and doesn’t even have to look for other work. He gets his rent paid by UC.

He was paying £280ish a month for two dc, before, which isn’t a fortune, and in the past he hasn’t always been consistent with maintenance, but it’s considerably better than getting nothing. And because CMS have told him that he doesn’t HAVE to pay, he won’t. I’ve managed to persuade him to pay for ds1’s school meals (ds2 still gets free ones) and I’ve been made to feel grateful for that.

Somehow, though, he has managed to buy a brand new MacBook, and various other expensive pieces of equipment, for his “business”. I asked my solicitor about the whole thing and she said that the £100k is counted as capital not income so the CMS can’t even make him take maintenance out of that.

I worked hard (and had some luck of course) to get to a professional reasonably paid job. Not because I particularly want a high flying job but we live in an expensive area and I want to be able to afford a reasonable quality of life for my children. I got married to someone who I thought was a nice responsible guy. Both of our children were planned. Turns out he was only nice when he was getting regular sex from me.

There is no sense of responsibility from him, if I didn’t have money coming in I would get a job doing ANYTHING. He doesn’t feel the same obviously.

My dc are boys and everyday I wonder how I can bring them up to be more responsible than this. I try and instil a sense of taking responsibility for their own actions as much as possible. Sadly I was brought up with low expectations of men because my dad wasn’t much different. I don’t regret the relationship because of my dc. That being said, I think the one of the only long term answers is ensuring children have a sense of responsibility, a good work ethic, and, as they become adults, a high bar for their own relationships.

Apply for financial support for the children under schedule 1 of the children act 1989 OR do a MR of child maintenance asking them to take national income from capital into account... or both!

ADVICENEEDED987 · 04/02/2024 20:39

My ex was furious when I went through cms, he was adamant he had been overpaying for years but they increased his monthly payments by £100. He pays it without complaint (to me) although he moans to the kids, his family and anyone else who will listen that he is paying the mortgage &bills on his house but he can't even live there (I am in the former martial home with the kids and I pay for everything, mortgage, bills etc). He describes it as 'the bills are all one big pot', so if he is paying anything it goes towards everything of mine, rather than seeing it as supporting his 3 children.

SecondUsername4me · 04/02/2024 20:44

The irony about dad's who complain about paying CMS is the money is only needed for every day they do less than the 50/50 they are supposed to.

If they actually took their kids half the time, and provided what the kids neededs for that time, they wouldn't need to pay anything out.

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 05/02/2024 23:08

@SecondUsername4me My DCs father is far to brainless to be able to understand that basic concept but yes, you’ve hit the nail on the head.

The UK system is terrible for enabling men to be shit role models for their DC.

cerisepanther73 · 05/02/2024 23:09

Cause they are Arseholes...

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 05/02/2024 23:18

@cerisepanther73 what I don’t understand is why other women go on to marry men who treat their DC so badly.

My DCs stepmother colludes with him but I think she’s blind to his abuse as she doesn’t want children so doesn’t understand how it hurts them.

It’s the only explanation I can think of as she married an abuser, so has probably been brainwashed too.

Appalling toxic dynamic for the DC obviously.

Y0URSELF · 05/02/2024 23:41

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 05/02/2024 23:18

@cerisepanther73 what I don’t understand is why other women go on to marry men who treat their DC so badly.

My DCs stepmother colludes with him but I think she’s blind to his abuse as she doesn’t want children so doesn’t understand how it hurts them.

It’s the only explanation I can think of as she married an abuser, so has probably been brainwashed too.

Appalling toxic dynamic for the DC obviously.

Some of them don’t know how badly he treats his kids. Mr Charming Liar tells her that

he’s paying loads of money to his ex or
she doesn’t need it coz she’s rich
she spends it on her nails
she has poisoned his kids against him with her lies
she won’t let him see his kids because she a bitch / an abuser
he’s not paying her because she abused him during their marriage
hes not seeing his kids for their own sake as they find it too upsetting
he’s not seeing them for his sake as he finds it too upsetting
He’s not seeing his kids as he’s moved too far away / it doesn’t fit with his job / hobbies
his kids can come and find him when they are 18 and he will explain his Very Good Reasons
he’s putting all the child support into a bank account for them instead so he can make sure that they get it when they are 18
hes not paying child support because he can’t afford it with all his hobbies / holidays / big mortgage

They have 101 reasons and sucker New Girlfriend is only too happy to believe him and hate his ex who causes “ Drama “ with her “ demands”.

You see it all the time here on MN.

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 06/02/2024 00:25

Then you have sites like this giving men tips on how not to pay maintenance, apparently there is also an exemption if there is no benefit to the child receiving financial support or some such shit - I mean am I even reading his right:

https://ukcareguide.co.uk/11-ways-to-reduce-your-child-maintenance-payments/#

11 Ways To Reduce Your Child Maintenance Payments In The UK

REDUCE CHILD MAINTENANCE PAYMENTS LOOPHOLES | February 2024

This is an article about 11 Ways To Reduce Your Child Maintenance Payments in the UK.

https://ukcareguide.co.uk/11-ways-to-reduce-your-child-maintenance-payments/#

Gloriosaford · 06/02/2024 00:55

sites like this giving men tips on how not to pay maintenance
It just beggars belief doesn't it@Betterbuckleupbarbara
Advising men to treat their young & dependent children as disposable objects
😟
(Is the pic intended to show a child reaching out for help & the father not taking the childs hand?)

Pickles2023 · 06/02/2024 01:29

I think some men (as are people) are just naturally selfish, not always to be nasty, but they struggle to look outside themselves initially so can't have the insight or empathy to extend their daily life to that of their kids if they are not seeing the direct effect.

I also think CMS takes the emotion out of providing and it becomes transactional. They don't see how their child benefits, being able to settle them to sleep with a smile on their face because they are warm and the heating is on. The treat chocolate when they got a gold star at school, the excitement of buying them a new lunchbox for school ect..which all can only happen if a mum/parent has the funds to enable that. What happens outside their vision they just can't seem to comprehend.
So when they are bitter to their ex they will find any little thing to demonise them and CMS is the perfect excuse.

They just see x amount going out..and thats it, i don't think (especially angry abusive ex's) see further then that.

Gettingbysomehow · 06/02/2024 01:31

My ex went abroad to avoid paying for his child. When I asked he said I'm not giving you money so you can buy stuff for yourself.
I should.....I had to pick up a second job as well as my full time one to cover DS's shoes, clothes, school trips. xmas and birthday, food etc etc.
Never sent him a birthday or xmas present either.
Completely abandoned his child so he didn't have to pay out a few quid every month...lovely.
DS has not forgotten this and never speaks to him - he is 40.
Ex is getting to the age where he needs help from DS and keeps asking to see him. Falls on deaf ears I'm afraid.

HenndigoOZ · 07/02/2024 06:18

Here in Australia if someone has a child support debt through the government child support agency and they go to the airport to go somewhere they can be asked to pay up before departure. Apparently, the payment rate is pretty good - don’t want to miss that holiday!😀
Also when they file all their missed tax returns thinking they are safe after their children have turned 18, the child support gets deducted from the tax refund and paid to the resident parent. I have seen stories on our parenting forums of such parents who were back paid even though their kids were already young adults.

Aaaalrightythen · 07/02/2024 12:09

Seems like most other countries understand the importance, UK is like a 3rd world country in that these men simply keep going out and creating more with little backlash.

However, I did notice today Theresa Coffey https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-suffolk-68220819 seems to have recognised that this has been an issue for some time. I agree the numbers will be far higher as many, myself included, stopped when CSA turned to CMS and I was told I had to do face to face mediation to receive my measly amount. He had taken me to Court previously and we had to have separate waiting areas (was thankful for that option) because he was shouting at me. No way I was going to go through that for the tiny amount he had gone SE to cough up.

Photo of a baby holding a bottle full of coins

Therese Coffey wants parents who do not pay maintenance curfewed

More than 78,677 parents in Great Britain did not pay in full according to September 2023 data.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-suffolk-68220819

NoisyDachshunddd · 07/02/2024 23:07

@Gettingbysomehow I’m absolutely sure you’re right.

Some people just cannot seem to care enough or have the social imagination to see beyond their immediate concerns. Out of sight and all that… :(

if only they would do their half, eh? And then miraculously they WOULD understand the reason for an emergency chocolate budget 😂

Another2022 · 14/02/2024 15:48

Because I'd rather look after my children. I have 4, have them 6/14 nights and would absolutely love to have them the extra night (I have them up until 6pm on the Sunday it's their weekend with me). I'm ordered to pay over £400/month because my ex is unreasonable. Yes, going through the court process at the moment ...

Talk66talk · 14/02/2024 16:00

@Another2022 £400 for 4 DC is hardly anything!

Another2022 · 14/02/2024 16:06

@Talk66talk It's for an extra two breakfasts a month during term time.

The point is I'd rather be able to spend those nights with them than being forced to pay to not be allowed to.

MyopicBunny · 14/02/2024 16:07

Another2022 · 14/02/2024 15:48

Because I'd rather look after my children. I have 4, have them 6/14 nights and would absolutely love to have them the extra night (I have them up until 6pm on the Sunday it's their weekend with me). I'm ordered to pay over £400/month because my ex is unreasonable. Yes, going through the court process at the moment ...

You think £25 a week per child is adequate towards food, clothes, electricity and anything else they might need? 🤨 I can guarantee your ex will be picking up the majority of the bill for them.

Another2022 · 14/02/2024 16:08

@MyopicBunny no, they live with me nearly half the time. Did you read my post?

MyopicBunny · 14/02/2024 16:10

But who buys all their clothes etc?

CherryPiePiePie · 14/02/2024 16:11

He has them 6 nights out of 14 and pays £400 that sounds pretty good to me!

Another2022 · 14/02/2024 16:12

We share school stuff and we both buy bits for them when needed. I'm going to go get some pajamas for my youngest this weekend as he's grown out of them for instance!

MyopicBunny · 14/02/2024 16:15

Well it depends on whether he pays for things that they need like clothes and hobbies etc doesn't it.

Tbh 50/50 arrangements are quite unusual. Not least because courts don't consider it to be in the best interests of the child to be living their life in two places. The thread is about men who are the NRP.

LolaSmiles · 14/02/2024 16:17

They have 101 reasons and sucker New Girlfriend is only too happy to believe him and hate his ex who causes “ Drama “ with her “ demands”.

You see it all the time here on MN.
This unfortunately hits the nail on the head.

Plus when new boyfriend is making a huge drama about his victim status, there's a very strong message to the new girlfriend not to be like crazy ex. In a bid to please and win the man she gets into a pick me dance where not only does she accept whatever he says, but will also go out of her way to prove how she isn't like the unreasonable ex.

Voila, instant new girlfriend who'll be willing to please, have lower standards, not question him too much about his poor parenting, probably willing to put up with him doing very little around the home too. Give it a bit of time, add another baby to the mix and then once she's at home on maternity leave she might as well be default childcare to his older children too.