‘Solo Parent’

[babynme]

So I am a ‘solo parent’. Baby’s dad is not involved, I’m doing it all on my own. Solo. I don’t hate it (I did at the start) but it’s my reality, I’ve found what works for me so I just get on with it now.

It’s really starting to grind my gears now that I see a lot of tik tokers / influencers calling themselves ‘solo parents’ or that they are ‘solo parenting for a few days’ because their partner is at work. Is it just me? I’m not trying to gatekeep the phrase per-say, but most of the time their attitude is ‘feel sorry for me my husband is off to his 9-5 I’m solo parenting’ when this is our reality 24/7, I just feel it’s being used wrongly.

please tell me if I’m overreacting by being peeved by this 🤣

They’re not wrong though. They are being solo parents, Ie doing it all themselves for a few days or hours. They not be using the pheasant in the same way as you are, but they’re not using the term solo incorrectly.

I see this too and I agree that they aren’t using the term correctly. I think it’s mostly for more views and comments of praise. It used to frustrate me, although I have also had mothers say that they can relate to being a single parent as their partners are on stag dos or golfing trips!

I agree with this and I find it mildly annoying too…. It comes up quite a lot in convos with other mums I think.
When I manage to stay empathetic, I imagine that they can’t find a better word for it, and I’m sure it is stressful for them, plus I guess when you’re on your own the whole time (I am too OP), you have your routines and stuff.
I find it so different tho imagining someone taking a few days on their own with their kids - focusing on the day to day and probably letting some jobs pile up until a partner is back, vs having to keep up with everything as no extra support or respite is coming! And there’s certainly no handover or ‘rest’ when your on your own all the time….

I agree with you, OP.

My DH works away twice a month and I am left alone with the kids on those weeks.

It's hard, but nowhere near on the scale of actually parenting solo.

I get it OP. I raised DS totally alone until he was ten and it's bloody hard work. I'm now sharing custody of younger DD 50/50 with ex and my god, it's a million times easier than when I was completely alone with DS (different dad to DD).

YANBU but I used to sometimes wish there was another term that wouldn’t offend people for parents who do a lot of their own because of the hours their partner works. I did most of my kids young years with a DH who did shift work which meant I basically did the brunt of it all and spent most weekends ‘solo’ parenting, which used to feel difficult and rubbish when everyone else seemed to have their OH around all weekend and did ‘family’ things. BUT obviously I knew that I still had a partner and it was absolutely nothing like being a single parent.

I know what they are trying to get at, ‘solo’ parenting implies to me there is a partner but there’s also a lot of time being on your own with kids.

It's really not worth getting irritated about. These threads come up all the time.

When you are a single parent all the time you adjust your parenting and organisational strategies to suit and develop systems that work well over years.

Parents with a partner often "don't know how we do it" because they don't have that experience or those systems.
I suspect in the short term being temporarily without a partner when they normally have them is harder as they haven't developed the same skills, haven't thought of the logistics or prepared for what to do if a young child gets sick and they can't get to the shops etc. Obviously having a partner to bounce ideas of off and someone else to earn an income is easier.

@TheHorneSection but a lot of totally lone parents work AND have to do everything else on top. I used worked full time and then had to sort everything else out myself.

I think doing it for a few days is totally different to doing it permanently, but I guess it feels tough to them. I do assume they’re single parents and then feel very ??? when it turns out they’re not. Annoying cause I hate the phrase “single parent”!

Ask them how they manage their child/children’s feelings about the space where their father should be.

Hit at the meat of the matter rather than the day to day organisational , financial, energy, time challenges they are assuming make it “just the same really”. That may help focus their minds on how it is not the same thing at all. How perhaps they shouldn’t be so keen to pick up a useful hashtag without any consideration for how they do not have the burden of the label they are so quick to put on like a hat when it’s useful.

Oh, I know, I wasn’t trying to imply in any way that lone parents don’t. I know in my case it felt difficult (for me) because I was surrounded by people who had their partner home every evening at 6 and every weekend, which was radically different to my daily experience and I know that I was, quite frankly, jealous.

I’m not saying it’s remotely the same as being a lone parent, was just offering a perspective.

You're not overreacting OP. I have a friend who says she's completely in her own as her DH sometimes works away weekdays. But it means she can stay at home and not work. I full time parent, full time work and two of my children haven't seen their Father for over two years. It is frustrating as they really have no idea, but I try and let it go over my head now.

There's no point being too precious about these terms. I always very carefully never alluded to "solo" or "single" parenting when my husband was away for work because I'd been told it was so offensive. But then I realised that several of my genuine "single parent" friends actually had way more help and time off than I did (some had 50:50 custody, one sent her little girl to her parents every weekend for 48 hrs etc etc. Plus, I had four under 5 at one point)

So basically, someone's relationship status doesn't tell you much at all about their day-to-day, minute by minute life. There will be other genuine solo parents who have it much easier/harder than you as well- the word by itself isn't particularly informative.

I wouldn't call what you're doing solo parenting, to me you're a single parent or lone parent. To me solo parenting doesn't relate to any specific circumstances, I wouldn't have used it myself when DH was at work/away but I don't think I could get upset about it in your situation. Mind you I don't get upset at anything on TikTok as I don't get it at all and think it's a load of crap so don't go on it.

I've seen it more frequently lately, and I think due to the trend of these videos showing "a day doing.." or 'get ready with me'.

As a NON-solo parent, I think it's bloody false. I may do 95% of the childcare and household stuff, but I have another person's income to count on, among other things.

I’d say loan parent is when you are entirely parenting alone

Single parent is when there’s a co-parent around, but you are separated so your parenting is single

Solo parenting is a newer term, so.. I don’t think you can co-opt that too

Those terms both imply there’s someone missing though. Solo parenting doesn’t have the same implications, it’s more empowered. Me and ds are an entire family with nobody missing.

Is the term solo parenting fairly new?
I have never used it with reference to myself.
I am a lone parent.

I think I would find it less galling to hear a friend say she is solo parenting over the w/e while her partner is away, rather than being a lone parent.

There is a small difference IMO. Solo means done by one person alone, and lone means alone, without company, solitary. The latter seems to define a more long term situation.

It's semantics really.

It mildly annoys me too, I'm in a WhatsApp group where people often say things like 'I'm solo parenting for the day, does anyone want to meet up', as I'm just like well that's me all the time 😄 also not sure why they need to mention the solo thing why not just say does anyone fancy doing something on Sunday..

I didn't realise it was a tiktok thing that makes sense actually.

As an ex solo parent I did get pissed off at separated parents with shared care calling themselves lone parents and thinking they had any clue what my life was like.

Yes, I have to hold my tongue quite a bit when some of my friends get all dramatic about being alone with the kids for the w/e or whatever. I understand that it's hard if you're used to having another parent around and you don't have things in place but I do feel it's a bit insensitive sometimes.

I use 'lone parent' to describe myself, or 'sole parent' (not solo, which feels different somehow). I don't really have a problem with coupled-up people saying 'I'm parenting solo today', because that is what they are doing in that moment, not how they define themselves. But I do object to people telling me they know how I feel because their husband works away a lot.

YANBU OP.

I lost a very good friendship after a friend relentlessly went on and on about her solo parenting whilst her dh was working away - she was able to outsource pretty much everything domestically and the kids were at nursery while she was working, the same as normal, dad was able to eat breakfast with them via facetime and did bedtime stories the same way. Oh, and he was working away earning mega bucks which helped somewhat.

At thee time I was recently separated, unemployed, exh from hell, absent parent and every single fucking decision fell to me.

You don't 'solo parent' for a few hours while your dp/dh is at work, that's just parenting. Can you imagine if the dp/dh said he was 'solo parenting' while the mum went out for a bit!

I find it strange to be so reliant on your partner that when they aren't there it's a big deal and you have to refer to yourself as 'solo parenting', before kids and when I was in a couple I wouldn't have said I'm solo when my other half went out for the day lol

What’s the headline here re: “solo” parenting? I’m trying to work out why this might be insensitive. Are there not logistics to work out when you don’t have another parent? Whatever you want to call it. If you’re the only parent to your children, surely adjustments/allowances need to be made? Or have I misunderstood the matter at hand.