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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

‘Solo Parent’

140 replies

babynme · 12/08/2023 01:46

So I am a ‘solo parent’. Baby’s dad is not involved, I’m doing it all on my own. Solo. I don’t hate it (I did at the start) but it’s my reality, I’ve found what works for me so I just get on with it now.

It’s really starting to grind my gears now that I see a lot of tik tokers / influencers calling themselves ‘solo parents’ or that they are ‘solo parenting for a few days’ because their partner is at work. Is it just me? I’m not trying to gatekeep the phrase per-say, but most of the time their attitude is ‘feel sorry for me my husband is off to his 9-5 I’m solo parenting’ when this is our reality 24/7, I just feel it’s being used wrongly.

please tell me if I’m overreacting by being peeved by this 🤣

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annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 19:23

I’m likely to say to my friends if they suggest we meet up “yes but I’m solo parenting today so it can only be…. [list scenarios here].” If DH is around then there are lots of options. If DH isn’t around then I need to make adjustments as lots of things I can’t do by myself with three small children.

Yep. It changes the possibilities and logistics hugely, so it's something that needs to be factored in.

CocoPlum · 29/08/2023 19:24

continentallentil · 20/08/2023 13:50

I’d say loan parent is when you are entirely parenting alone

Single parent is when there’s a co-parent around, but you are separated so your parenting is single

Solo parenting is a newer term, so.. I don’t think you can co-opt that too

This. I'd say solo parenting is if your partner is away for a day or so.

When your partner is at work for the day, you're just parenting!

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 19:26

museumum · 29/08/2023 19:19

I can't really imagine relying on anyone to the degree that it makes a big difference when they're gone. I guess maybe quite jealous of people who have that support.

I do understand this and can imagine, but equally can you imagine you have work commitments and childcare built on two people. My dh dropped the dc at nursery while I started work early to finish in time to pick up. If he was away I had to beg my boss for additional time off in the mornings. Obviously if I were a single or loan parent I just wouldn’t be able to do that job or use that nursery but as I’m not lone/single, doing a week solo is tricky.
also kids have clubs in different places at the same time, when dh is away I need to beg lifts from friends or they miss a class.

Also yes to this - it's the constant chopping and changing of logistics and arrangements depending on whether the other parent is home or away. If I was permanently solo, I imagine I'd likely build my life around in a different way to account for there being no 2nd person as back up.

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 19:33

Would also be interested in what the minimum amount of time on your own is classed as solo parenting

LouisaPeanut · 29/08/2023 19:38

There’s no minimum…. It’s just when it’s relevant. Could be five minutes: “can’t pop to Tesco right now for a pint of milk, I’m solo parenting”; could be six months “can’t come to your wedding cousin Janet because Dave’s been deployed and I’m solo parenting”.

Instead of getting annoyed at your friends for saying it, consider why they are.

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 19:39

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 19:33

Would also be interested in what the minimum amount of time on your own is classed as solo parenting

I do a week at a time solo and I use the phrase. I don't think I'd use it for anything less than say 48 hours alone. But that's because my frame of reference is a week alone. So 48 hours would feel like a breeze in comparison. 😂

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 19:40

LouisaPeanut · 29/08/2023 19:38

There’s no minimum…. It’s just when it’s relevant. Could be five minutes: “can’t pop to Tesco right now for a pint of milk, I’m solo parenting”; could be six months “can’t come to your wedding cousin Janet because Dave’s been deployed and I’m solo parenting”.

Instead of getting annoyed at your friends for saying it, consider why they are.

👏🏻 fantastic response.

Pebblesandwaves · 29/08/2023 19:53

I think if they used the term 'single parent' then you would have grounds for annoyance. To be fair they are doing it solo for a few days or for how ever long their partner is away. As some one who's husband works over seas 3 days most weeks, often longer I absolutely feel like I'm doing everything and very solo. However I would never call myself a single parent.

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 20:01

Yes I think the thing that annoys me is that it implies they only want to meet up as they are 'solo parenting'. It is usually a term applied at the weekend, because during the week (if part time) it is assumed they are 'solo parenting' although funnily enough that's just classed as parenting. Luckily I have quite a few other better friends that want to meet up whether they are solo or not, otherwise it would be more than 'mildy' annoying, it would be genuinely upsetting.

It reminds me of those friends when younger that you only ever saw when single.

LouisaPeanut · 29/08/2023 20:07

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 20:01

Yes I think the thing that annoys me is that it implies they only want to meet up as they are 'solo parenting'. It is usually a term applied at the weekend, because during the week (if part time) it is assumed they are 'solo parenting' although funnily enough that's just classed as parenting. Luckily I have quite a few other better friends that want to meet up whether they are solo or not, otherwise it would be more than 'mildy' annoying, it would be genuinely upsetting.

It reminds me of those friends when younger that you only ever saw when single.

Yes I’d definitely be annoyed (however it is worded) if I had friends that only really messaged me to hang out because their husbands are away. Especially if you’re single and they’ve got no real regard for that. Glad to hear it’s just one or two bad eggs in the mix!

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 20:12

I think as a term used sensibly it's fine. As in, I can't do xyz today as I'm solo with all the kids. Like with anything you just need to be sensitive because not everyone has the benefit of 'dual parenting' ever. So making a big deal of the fact you're doing it on your own for 5 minutes or whatever, if there's someone around who is always on their own is just a bit insensitive.

It does make sense that it's a tik tok / insta thing, because the people I've heard say it are definitely into these things, and it seems to be a trendy phrase atm.

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 20:28

I pretty much never refer to being a single parent either, ie. I can do that because I'm a single parent, or I want to meet up on the weekend because I'm a single parent, or I can't afford that because I'm a single parent. So just don't see why the term 'solo parenting' as a label has to be shoved in people's faces so much by certain people!

Snugglemonkey · 29/08/2023 20:42

continentallentil · 20/08/2023 13:50

I’d say loan parent is when you are entirely parenting alone

Single parent is when there’s a co-parent around, but you are separated so your parenting is single

Solo parenting is a newer term, so.. I don’t think you can co-opt that too

This is what I was thinking.

LouisaPeanut · 29/08/2023 20:53

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 20:28

I pretty much never refer to being a single parent either, ie. I can do that because I'm a single parent, or I want to meet up on the weekend because I'm a single parent, or I can't afford that because I'm a single parent. So just don't see why the term 'solo parenting' as a label has to be shoved in people's faces so much by certain people!

Different scenarios: you being a single parent is your status quo, your friends being “solo parents” for a day or so is a change in their status quo.

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 20:54

Different scenarios: you being a single parent is your status quo, your friends being “solo parents” for a day or so is a change in their status quo.

Literally was about to respond with just this!

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 20:54

When the status quo chops and changes all the time it's different. It creates different challenges.

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 21:09

If it was chopping and changing so much I'd personally try my best to make sure could cope ok on own without it being a big deal, otherwise sounds like you'd quite often feeling the absence of a partner, rather than seeing it as a bonus when they are around to help.

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 21:11

LouisaPeanut · 29/08/2023 20:53

Different scenarios: you being a single parent is your status quo, your friends being “solo parents” for a day or so is a change in their status quo.

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Yes but they could just say their partner is away, it doesn't need a fancy label.

LouisaPeanut · 29/08/2023 21:24

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 21:11

Yes but they could just say their partner is away, it doesn't need a fancy label.

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I don’t know what to tell you. That’s how language works.

”I’m divorced” versus “my husband and I legally decided to end our marriage”.
”I’ve got a stomach bug” versus “I’m shitting through the eye of a needle.”
”I’m an Olympic gymnast” versus “I’m a professional backflipper who competes at the highest level internationally.”

OP opens this thread by saying she’s a solo parent. So there’s the problem with gatekeeping other people’s language; what is “acceptable” for some people is “unacceptable” for others.

I just don’t understand why this always feels like a race to the bottom. Someone always claiming they’ve got it harder than someone else and that the particular language used is somehow a request for sympathy. (Frankly, we should all have sympathy for each other all the time anyway, this shit is hard!)

Rivermedway · 29/08/2023 21:24

Unfortunately, everything has a label nowadays.

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 21:32

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 21:09

If it was chopping and changing so much I'd personally try my best to make sure could cope ok on own without it being a big deal, otherwise sounds like you'd quite often feeling the absence of a partner, rather than seeing it as a bonus when they are around to help.

Well that's as meaningless and invalidating of another person's experience as me saying something like: "if I were a single parent I'd make sure I could cope on my own all the time without it being a big deal". I don't know what it's like to be a single parent, ultimately, so why would I comment on that way and judge language another person chooses to describe that experience for themselves? If you don't have the set up I have with a partner working away regularly, you don't get to judge. In the same way I don't get to judge single parents' experiences.

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 21:32

@LouisaPeanut

Totally nailed it again, couldn't agree more with you.

LouisaPeanut · 29/08/2023 21:37

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 21:32

Well that's as meaningless and invalidating of another person's experience as me saying something like: "if I were a single parent I'd make sure I could cope on my own all the time without it being a big deal". I don't know what it's like to be a single parent, ultimately, so why would I comment on that way and judge language another person chooses to describe that experience for themselves? If you don't have the set up I have with a partner working away regularly, you don't get to judge. In the same way I don't get to judge single parents' experiences.

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Don’t worry if you’re not “coping”, I barely “cope” with my husband around let alone without him here. Just bobbing up and down, barely keeping my head above the water, making it to the next day and praying it gets easier. 🥴🥴🥴🥴

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 21:47

@LouisaPeanut
Oh god same! It's relentless isn't it 😫

Ilikepinacoladass · 30/08/2023 08:10

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 21:32

Well that's as meaningless and invalidating of another person's experience as me saying something like: "if I were a single parent I'd make sure I could cope on my own all the time without it being a big deal". I don't know what it's like to be a single parent, ultimately, so why would I comment on that way and judge language another person chooses to describe that experience for themselves? If you don't have the set up I have with a partner working away regularly, you don't get to judge. In the same way I don't get to judge single parents' experiences.

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Well someone did, saying that it would be easier if they were a single parent as they'd have strategies in place etc if they were doing it all the time. Which is true to some degree. Just saying it might help to employ some of those strategies so you're not finding it extra difficult when you're husband is working away, and you can just benefit from when is there, and what he contributes whether there or not. I wouldn't have a set up that relied on two parents (for pick up / drop off etc etc) if one was often not available to do their part.