Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

‘Solo Parent’

140 replies

babynme · 12/08/2023 01:46

So I am a ‘solo parent’. Baby’s dad is not involved, I’m doing it all on my own. Solo. I don’t hate it (I did at the start) but it’s my reality, I’ve found what works for me so I just get on with it now.

It’s really starting to grind my gears now that I see a lot of tik tokers / influencers calling themselves ‘solo parents’ or that they are ‘solo parenting for a few days’ because their partner is at work. Is it just me? I’m not trying to gatekeep the phrase per-say, but most of the time their attitude is ‘feel sorry for me my husband is off to his 9-5 I’m solo parenting’ when this is our reality 24/7, I just feel it’s being used wrongly.

please tell me if I’m overreacting by being peeved by this 🤣

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 16:38

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 12:23

@CharlotteBog

Fair enough. My point remains though. You say people who parent solo for a week at a time (like me) can't know what it's like to be you. Correct, I agree. But equally, a single parent can't know what it's like to be me, either, so that sentiment works both ways. My challenges are admittedly different to those of a single parent, but they're challenges nonetheless and they are valid. Like I say, I don't understand the obsession with comparison with others and this "I have to worse than you" mentality (not directed at you as such, just the general vibe of this thread). It's just unnecessary and unhelpful if we all just validate each other's unique experiences!

@Redpepperss

I refer you to one of my (many) earlier posts on exactly this (above).

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 16:39

@Redpepperss

Right! And where have I said it's comparable? Quote me; where? You've rolled your eyes rudely at me based on an argument you've created with yourself. I've never said they're comparable; I've said they're different but equally valid. So why roll eyes at me and argue a point with me that I agree with you on?

ArseHoleBoss · 30/08/2023 16:42

Race to the bottom??

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 16:43

ArseHoleBoss · 30/08/2023 16:42

Race to the bottom??

100%. It's tedious.

Redpepperss · 30/08/2023 16:44

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 16:39

@Redpepperss

Right! And where have I said it's comparable? Quote me; where? You've rolled your eyes rudely at me based on an argument you've created with yourself. I've never said they're comparable; I've said they're different but equally valid. So why roll eyes at me and argue a point with me that I agree with you on?

It's a non argument. You stated that it's just as valid. This isn't what OP was about. I have read your post. Most single mums DO know what it like to be in a relationship and raise a child. However the person who doesn't know what it's like to be a single parent (I have listed already COSTS) is you. I'm not pulling anybody down here I'm just pointing out to you. Its not an argument in my eyes at all. Sorry but I'm with OP.

I've experienced both and I wouldn't wish single parenthood on anybody at all.

LouisaPeanut · 30/08/2023 16:52

Redpepperss · 30/08/2023 16:44

It's a non argument. You stated that it's just as valid. This isn't what OP was about. I have read your post. Most single mums DO know what it like to be in a relationship and raise a child. However the person who doesn't know what it's like to be a single parent (I have listed already COSTS) is you. I'm not pulling anybody down here I'm just pointing out to you. Its not an argument in my eyes at all. Sorry but I'm with OP.

I've experienced both and I wouldn't wish single parenthood on anybody at all.

Show quote history

It’s very relevant to the OP. OP doesn’t think these people deserve sympathy because they’re not solo parenting all the time, whereas she is. Maybe I should think OP doesn’t deserve sympathy because although she’s got one baby all the time, I have two babies and a toddler a lot of the time. But I do give her sympathy, I give all other parents sympathy, because this shit is hard whatever your circumstances and however you word things. That’s all anna is saying… we’ve all got unique situations that all have different stressors and comparing does no one any good. OPs post even says that ultimately she’s not trying to gatekeep the language, what this comes down to is that she doesn’t think these people deserve her sympathy.

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 16:55

However the person who doesn't know what it's like to be a single parent (I have listed already COSTS) is you.

Oh really? I must have dreamt the 10 years I spent raising my eldest singlehandedly, then.

Do not make assumptions about me and my life and do not misinterpret my posts and project onto me. I have been consistently balanced and I have expressed my views respectfully. I have never once stated that my situation currently in which I solo parent whilst my partner works away, is remotely comparable to being a truly single parent (and I do know the difference , having done both!).

If you'd read my posts you'd be aware that my point has consistently been thus: We do not need to veto or police phrases like "solo parenting" simply because someone else does a different variation of life and parenting. We gain nothing from comparisons and a race to the bottom. Why not just accept that, whilst we all have different life challenges that are unique to our circumstances, there is absolutely no need to place these on a sliding scale of who has it "worse" because they are all just different types of life challenges, as opposed to existing on a scale of "less bad" to "worse".

I'm not engaging with you further because I find you rude and aggressive, you make assumptions about me that are incorrect, and you do not seem capable of reading comprehension. I've explained the above multiple times. It's on you if it still doesn't make sense.

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 16:56

Last post for @Redpepperss

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 16:57

@LouisaPeanut

Yes, exactly the point I'm making. Thank you.

Redpepperss · 30/08/2023 16:58

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 11:44

I'm not so naive to think that all couples live this rosy, sharing life and I wouldn't want my life any other way (mostly!), but yeah.....don't tell me you know what it's like to be me when you're being a solo parent for a week.

I've been a solo parent for 4 months of this year in total, not just for a week.

And I've never once ever said "I know what it's like to me you" or anyone else - if you read my posts you'll see my stance is the precise opposite of that - you'll see that I said I find it invalidating for anyone to ever say to anyone "I know how you feel", whatever the context. Because ultimately absolutely no other person in this world knows what it's like to walk in the shoes of another - not truly. They can guess, and they can have similarities in their lives, but each and every person's struggles are unique to that person and they are all entirely valid.

Do you not speak VIA phone to your partner in 4 months? Does he not provide moral support in 4 months? Does he not pay towards household costs? Are you not sharing the load and going halves?

How can you see not see that a single parent who doesn't have this privilege is in a worse off position. Its crass to say the least.

Redpepperss · 30/08/2023 17:01

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 16:55

However the person who doesn't know what it's like to be a single parent (I have listed already COSTS) is you.

Oh really? I must have dreamt the 10 years I spent raising my eldest singlehandedly, then.

Do not make assumptions about me and my life and do not misinterpret my posts and project onto me. I have been consistently balanced and I have expressed my views respectfully. I have never once stated that my situation currently in which I solo parent whilst my partner works away, is remotely comparable to being a truly single parent (and I do know the difference , having done both!).

If you'd read my posts you'd be aware that my point has consistently been thus: We do not need to veto or police phrases like "solo parenting" simply because someone else does a different variation of life and parenting. We gain nothing from comparisons and a race to the bottom. Why not just accept that, whilst we all have different life challenges that are unique to our circumstances, there is absolutely no need to place these on a sliding scale of who has it "worse" because they are all just different types of life challenges, as opposed to existing on a scale of "less bad" to "worse".

I'm not engaging with you further because I find you rude and aggressive, you make assumptions about me that are incorrect, and you do not seem capable of reading comprehension. I've explained the above multiple times. It's on you if it still doesn't make sense.

Your the one getting upset. I am entitled to an opinion what you can't seem to comprehend is I don't agree with you. Didn't you say earlier nobody will change your mind? I feel the same. So I'm happy to agree to disagree..... this is a public forum and people don't always agree on things. I haven't misunderstood anything I simply just don't agree with you and that's fine you don't agree with me either!

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 17:03

How can you see not see that a single parent who doesn't have this privilege is in a worse off position

Because I don't engage in this type of comparative, sliding scale thinking as I've already stated several times. I don't think of life in terms of who is in a "worse off" position. It just doesn't compute in my mind in that way. I see life in terms of, we're all different and we're all winning in some ways and struggling in others, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record, all struggles are equally as valid. Not the same, but equally as valid to that person experiencing them. And equally as deserving of empathy.

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 17:04

@Redpepperss

You made an incorrect assumption about me and you haven't apologised for that, I notice. Tells me all I need to know about you.

Pista41 · 30/08/2023 17:05

I don’t really have a massive issue with the term (I’m a lone/single whatever you want to call it parent, completely alone with no other parent in the picture) but I know what you mean about the general sentiment. I had someone tell me they got my situation because their partner worked late sometimes - not sure whether to laugh or cry at that! And that someone whose other half worked away a lot (but completely supports them on a high salary while they don’t work) also “was in the same boat” as me. Nope….

There are degrees of parenting on your own, single parents who have half the week off do not have the same experience at all as parents who are truly alone, for example. And then some people have partners who are literally worse than useless. Maybe forget about the terminology but yeah I get the feeling of people not understanding or acting like martyrs doing it alone for a few days - it’s really hard. You know the truth though. Maybe we need a lone parent moan thread! :)

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 17:17

And, incidentally, if I were to compare my own experiences of both single parenting and solo parenting, personally, I find the latter harder. The reasons for this are complex and related to my mental health back then as a single parent to my eldest being much better, as well as being geographically closer to family so I had a network of support around me. Now, we live at the other side of the country to family, so when my partner works away and I'm solo parenting our toddler I actually struggle a lot more than I did as a single parent to my (now young adult) eldest. Someone else might not understand how I can possibly find it harder second time around with a partner on the scene half of the time. But I do. So it really does depend on the individual and their circumstances, doesn't it.

TheHorneSection · 30/08/2023 17:20

YukoandHiro · 30/08/2023 13:22

as the partner of a shift worker, yes I fully agree, I dread weekends absolutely the worst part of the week

Show quote history

I remember really low points when the kids were little and DH’s shifts were the worst where I’d daydream about splitting up because as least then I’d get some alone time. His shifts were so shit and so prone to changing that I could never carve out anything that looked like ‘me’ time. It’d be 2 hours here, 2 hours there on completely inconsistent days so it wasn’t like I could sign up to a class or, say, do anything nice for myself late on a Sunday afternoon. I’d imagine if we split up I might get a whole magical day to myself sometimes. Awful and wrong to think that, I know I’m lucky to have a good partner, but god it was so fucking hard sometimes when they were little.

CharlotteBog · 30/08/2023 17:46

I’d imagine if we split up I might get a whole magical day to myself sometimes.

This is the lone parent section, by (usual) definition lone parents do not get a magical day to themselves - unless they have family support (which is no different to a couple) or use childcare.

LouisaPeanut · 30/08/2023 17:52

CharlotteBog · 30/08/2023 17:46

I’d imagine if we split up I might get a whole magical day to myself sometimes.

This is the lone parent section, by (usual) definition lone parents do not get a magical day to themselves - unless they have family support (which is no different to a couple) or use childcare.

It’s just a fantasy though isn’t it. I’m sure most parents have fantasised about being able to hand over their kids to someone else for a day guilt-free and without significant prep. Which in theory divorced parents get. I feel confident that probably isn’t the case 99.9% of the time though.

Indiacalling · 30/08/2023 18:07

to be honest, my biggest eye roll is reserved for someone who does performative solo parenting when her children’s father is there! There’s a husband issue, I think.

I do get the point about changing dynamics from single to couple and back again, as I had that for about five years when I was with Ex who lived about 200 miles away. On its own, though, I don’t think that was a more difficult or comparable situation to being a single parent (which I had been prior to meeting him and was after we broke up).

The problem was the fact that it was his way or the high way when he was here and the fact that he somehow believed that our lives were comparable when he was working away and I was working here with two children to look after (one of whom was his). He simply had no conceptualisation what parenting was (aside from the fun bits) and resisted any efforts from me to help him into taking more responsibility. And other things which were controlling really. So again, it was a husband issue.

Being a single parent means - by default - you don’t have to deal with the husband issues. If you have a good enough income and financial independence, not having to deal with husband issues is easier, regardless of any other challenges (unless your child has substantial additional needs perhaps). If on the other hand, you have a good husband and no (major) husband issues, then surely being in a functional partnership is easier (I don’t know, I have not been in one).

(ex-husband issues are of course a whole other ball game, but in my experience, these usually resolve when he finds a girlfriend).

Redpepperss · 30/08/2023 18:16

@Indiacalling you hit the nail on the head with its a "husband issue problem".

TheHorneSection · 30/08/2023 18:22

LouisaPeanut · 30/08/2023 17:52

It’s just a fantasy though isn’t it. I’m sure most parents have fantasised about being able to hand over their kids to someone else for a day guilt-free and without significant prep. Which in theory divorced parents get. I feel confident that probably isn’t the case 99.9% of the time though.

Show quote history

Exactly. It was a fantasy of what some separated parents get. I knew I couldn’t change DH’s work and was never going to get a husband who left at 8.30 after helping with the school run and got home at 5.30 to share bedtime and have every weekend off. At low points, I was sodding jealous of everyone who wasn’t dealing with frontline shift work.

Ilikepinacoladass · 30/08/2023 18:34

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 17:17

And, incidentally, if I were to compare my own experiences of both single parenting and solo parenting, personally, I find the latter harder. The reasons for this are complex and related to my mental health back then as a single parent to my eldest being much better, as well as being geographically closer to family so I had a network of support around me. Now, we live at the other side of the country to family, so when my partner works away and I'm solo parenting our toddler I actually struggle a lot more than I did as a single parent to my (now young adult) eldest. Someone else might not understand how I can possibly find it harder second time around with a partner on the scene half of the time. But I do. So it really does depend on the individual and their circumstances, doesn't it.

It might be time to reasses current relationship if it's overall adding more stress and it was easier being a single parent?

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 18:37

@Ilikepinacoladass

It's not the relationship per se that adds the stress. It's the set up of DH working away a lot of the time that adds the stress. When he's worked nearer home previously, things have been fantastic. We need as a family to re-assess DH's work situation, not the relationship.

Ilikepinacoladass · 30/08/2023 18:37

CharlotteBog · 30/08/2023 17:46

I’d imagine if we split up I might get a whole magical day to myself sometimes.

This is the lone parent section, by (usual) definition lone parents do not get a magical day to themselves - unless they have family support (which is no different to a couple) or use childcare.

Out of interest is there a 'single parent' section? On the lone parent section description it mentions single parents, so I've always thought this one was for both?

annalouise1984 · 30/08/2023 18:39

And I did quite clearly say within that post that one of the factors making single parenting of my eldest easier than solo parenting my youngest, was the availability of family support when I was a single parent to my eldest. I don't have that now. It's a huge part of the reason I find my DH's absence so hard - there's literally not one person I can call on for support as they're all too far away.