‘Solo Parent’

[babynme]

So I am a ‘solo parent’. Baby’s dad is not involved, I’m doing it all on my own. Solo. I don’t hate it (I did at the start) but it’s my reality, I’ve found what works for me so I just get on with it now.

It’s really starting to grind my gears now that I see a lot of tik tokers / influencers calling themselves ‘solo parents’ or that they are ‘solo parenting for a few days’ because their partner is at work. Is it just me? I’m not trying to gatekeep the phrase per-say, but most of the time their attitude is ‘feel sorry for me my husband is off to his 9-5 I’m solo parenting’ when this is our reality 24/7, I just feel it’s being used wrongly.

please tell me if I’m overreacting by being peeved by this 🤣

Out of interest is there a 'single parent' section? On the lone parent section description it mentions single parents, so I've always thought this one was for both?

Ah, fair enough. I didn't realise that. I was a single parent for a very short period of time; been a lone parent much longer.

I mean that's all part and parcel of the relationship.

@Ilikepinacoladass

I disagree. It's part of the work situation, which is creating distance and stress on the relationship because we both miss each other and DH misses out on time with our toddler. Him getting a job closer to home without us having to make too much of a financial sacrifice would resolve our issue. When we are physically together both as a couple and as a family, things are fantastic. It's not the relationship, it's the work situation.

Ok, but if he is unwilling/unable to change the work situation after you've chatted about it then it becomes a relationship issue surely?

My ex refused to get a job which caused me a lot of stress. I didn't see it as a work situation, I saw it as a relationship issue which eventually lead to the breakdown of said relationship.

I think the general consensus on these boards is that it's easier to do it alone than to be with a partner who is causing you more stress.

I hope that’s long behind you now and things are much better.

Yes and no, though I get your point. Some jobs are just difficult and come with long and strange hours that can’t be changed - fire, police, surgeon, military etc. If you meet someone doing one of those jobs and decide to have children then asking them to change their job isn’t that straightforward, you can’t tell your thoracic surgeon husband he can only do surgeries under 6 hours, say, because you want him home before bedtime, or a police officer he can’t stay late on a shift to deal with a horrific incident.

But that’s derailing the thread, which has been really interesting to read.

Well it's all part of it isn't it in comes hand in hand.

No, but if their job is causing a lot of stress to family life (to the point where you think being single might be easier) the surgeon could perhaps think about moving to another sector where shifts can be more predictable, or to teaching, or to a nearer hospital etc etc. Or a front line police officer might look into getting moved into the office side of things. People with families make these decisions and changes to their careers to accommodate a happy family all the time.

@Ilikepinacoladass

He's not unwilling to consider work closer to home - he's open to that. We are working as a team to resolve it as we are both feeling the pressure of his work situation now. He dislikes missing out on family life as much as I dislike solo parenting when he's away; so we are on the same page thankfully.

Cool, hope you get to a situation that works better for you soon then

admittedly I became a solo parent by choice because someone else having a say in how I raise my child is just not an option - but I’ve always said ‘independent mum’ . 💪

Solo parenting is not single parenting though. It's being the only parent, but not necessarily single. Outing but my ddad was in the merchant navy and worked away for 12weeks at a time (the home for 6 then away for 12 again etc). I think solo parent is a very good description of what dmum was. On her own, raising 2 dc for 2/3rds of the year. She had the financial support of ddad though and wasn't single, but no emotional support, and no break for months at a time.

@Shewhobecamethesun finicial support leads to emotional support. It's quite different being able to go 50/50 on bills and rent. It's a huge strain paying everything alone and having nobody to pick up the phone to vent to.

Well this was the 80s/90s, pre mobile phones and my dad being stuck on various oceans so no my mum couldn't phone him up at the end of a bad day for emotional support either. She had no financial stresses that's true, but was still emotionally on her own dealing with 2 dc and running a house. There was no break from us, when the boiler broke it was down to her to sort it. I'm just saying, solo parent is a very good description for her. She was not a single parent, but she was solo for large periods of time. Same as military wives. I think it is a good description for many parents and is a valid term.

Fwiw, I am a single parent and a co-parent - I have 2dc who are nc with their dad and I have full time, and 2dc I share 50/50. I still don't have an issue with people using the term solo parenting when their partners are working away from home

@Shewhobecamethesun interesting. I don't know anybody IRL that calls themselves a solo parent. I do see your points though.