Page 2 | ‘Solo Parent’

babynme · 2023-08-12T00:46:30+00:00

So I am a ‘solo parent’. Baby’s dad is not involved, I’m doing it all on my own. Solo. I don’t hate it (I did at the start) but it’s my reality, I’ve found what works for me so I just get on with it now. It’s really starting to grind my gears now that I see a lot of tik tokers / influencers calling themselves ‘solo parents’ or that they are ‘solo parenting for a few days’ because their partner is at work. Is it just me? I’m not trying to gatekeep the phrase per-say, but most of the time their attitude is ‘feel sorry for me my husband is off to his 9-5 I’m solo parenting’ when this is our reality 24/7, I just feel it’s being used wrongly. please tell me if I’m overreacting by being peeved by this 🤣

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CharlotteBog · 29/08/2023 14:24

LouisaPeanut · 29/08/2023 14:21

What’s the headline here re: “solo” parenting? I’m trying to work out why this might be insensitive. Are there not logistics to work out when you don’t have another parent? Whatever you want to call it. If you’re the only parent to your children, surely adjustments/allowances need to be made? Or have I misunderstood the matter at hand.

Doing a bit of solo parenting when you are used to having 2 parents around is a whole world of difference to being a solo/sole/lone parent.

Genuine lone parents get annoyed when parents who most of the time have someone to share the responsibility can get annoyed when those parents claim to understand what it's like.

Maybe we are all a bit exhausted bitter and twisted.

Redpepperss · 29/08/2023 14:27

Rivermedway · 12/08/2023 03:23

They’re not wrong though. They are being solo parents, Ie doing it all themselves for a few days or hours. They not be using the pheasant in the same way as you are, but they’re not using the term solo incorrectly.

That's not what a solo parent is when you are doing it for 1 week. Although OP I would select who you follow on IG if its making you feel this way. I notice things but this isn't one of them... it's the big classic houses, fancy interior and they have around 3/4 DC all dressed beautifully!

LouisaPeanut · 29/08/2023 17:27

CharlotteBog · 29/08/2023 14:24

Doing a bit of solo parenting when you are used to having 2 parents around is a whole world of difference to being a solo/sole/lone parent.

Genuine lone parents get annoyed when parents who most of the time have someone to share the responsibility can get annoyed when those parents claim to understand what it's like.

Maybe we are all a bit exhausted bitter and twisted.

Show quote history

I would never claim to know what it’s like to be doing it alone round the clock, but I would definitely say something like “I’m flying solo this weekend” if DH was away for example. The bit I was confused about is that parenting with DH versus on my own (“solo”) is dramatically different and I’ll adjust my plans accordingly. I assumed people who were solo parenting round the clock did this as standard, but maybe they don’t, maybe their reality is just so different that they’re capable of more than the rest of us.

But I do think the bottom line in response to what you’ve said is that a parent saying they’re “solo parenting” is not the same as them saying they know what it’s like. Most of us have nothing but respect for those doing it alone round the clock.

How should a parent (who otherwise has a parental partner) describe a significant period of time where the other parent isn’t present?

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 17:38

How should a parent (who otherwise has a parental partner) describe a significant period of time where the other parent isn’t present?

Excellent question that I'd like to know the answer to, as well. To all intents and purposes if you're by yourself while the other parent works away be it for a few days or weeks or months, you're still solo by definition as you're by yourself? I really don't get the offence and outrage tbh. No one is saying that's harder than being completely fully alone all of the time, of course it's not (albeit it comes with its own logistical and practical challenges of course), but why is there such an objection to simply describing oneself as "solo" when by definition, albeit temporarily, they are?

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 17:45

Just to add context to that - my partner works away on a pattern of a week home, a week away; and I describe myself as "solo parenting for the week" when he's away, because well, I am. 🤷‍♀️ if he's not there he can't actively parent and so I'm solo. I'm not claiming to understand what it would be like to be 100% alone - that would come with very different challenges I can only imagine. But I do still also parent solo at times, and I'm not sure why it's offensive to anyone to say that. It's just factual.

CharlotteBog · 29/08/2023 17:45

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 17:38

How should a parent (who otherwise has a parental partner) describe a significant period of time where the other parent isn’t present?

Excellent question that I'd like to know the answer to, as well. To all intents and purposes if you're by yourself while the other parent works away be it for a few days or weeks or months, you're still solo by definition as you're by yourself? I really don't get the offence and outrage tbh. No one is saying that's harder than being completely fully alone all of the time, of course it's not (albeit it comes with its own logistical and practical challenges of course), but why is there such an objection to simply describing oneself as "solo" when by definition, albeit temporarily, they are?

But some temporary solo parents are saying they understand what it's like to be full time lone parent and those parents find that objectionable.

"Oh Charlotte.....I know how you feel now, John has been away all week and I'm dying here" [ha ha ha]

"Oh Charlotte....John's away all week so I'm solo parenting. Gosh it's hard"

See the difference?

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 17:47

@CharlotteBog

Well yeah of course that's different - comparing your situation to anyone else's and saying "I know how you feel" is in my opinion mostly annoying and invalidating anyway. Because ultimately no one knows one's own reality expect them. So I personally avoid that phrase anyway in relation to anything, and I dislike it being said to me as it feels invalidating. But the OP seemed to take exception to the phrase itself being used by temporarily solo parents, as opposed to the comparison you mention,

CharlotteBog · 29/08/2023 17:50

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 17:45

Just to add context to that - my partner works away on a pattern of a week home, a week away; and I describe myself as "solo parenting for the week" when he's away, because well, I am. 🤷‍♀️ if he's not there he can't actively parent and so I'm solo. I'm not claiming to understand what it would be like to be 100% alone - that would come with very different challenges I can only imagine. But I do still also parent solo at times, and I'm not sure why it's offensive to anyone to say that. It's just factual.

Are you able to contact him at all during that week? Do you communicate with him. Do the kids?

Even if you don't, you do know that after a week you have someone to dump the challenges on and someone to share all the mundane and that you can defer things until you have support. You don't have to physically be there to parent your children.

It really is semantics, I can see that, but it's important.

Alwaysdecorating · 29/08/2023 17:52

I think anyone using solo parenting is fine. I was a lone parent.

Solo parenting for a few days, clearly indicates they aren’t a lone parent. The other parent is away for a few days.

Solo parenting could be anytime you are on your own with your kids. To me is doesn’t denote the status of the other parent.

That would be lone parent, to me.

I do agree when people try and make out they are ‘like a lone parent’ because their partner works a lot or works away, does wind me up. It’s completely different.

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 17:59

Are you able to contact him at all during that week? Do you communicate with him. Do the kids?

One phone conversation on a Friday evening and the occasional email exchange mid week. Phone conversation is the only time DC has contact with her Dad when he's away but in all honesty it confuses and upsets her more sometimes (she's only 2), so we don't really do it as often now. So my contact with him is usually every couple of days via email (I can't get an immediate response - he typically replies 12-24 hrs later), and a Friday evening phone call. DC's contact is one phone call a week, but only if she's not finding it upsetting, in which case we end the call.

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 18:01

@CharlotteBog

And yes I do see the difference- that's why I don't make the comparison as I've already said. But I don't agree at all that I shouldn't be able to describe myself as "solo parenting" when I'm doing exactly that from a practical point of view, albeit on a temporary basis. This in itself shouldn't be offensive to anyone.

LouisaPeanut · 29/08/2023 18:09

CharlotteBog · 29/08/2023 17:45

But some temporary solo parents are saying they understand what it's like to be full time lone parent and those parents find that objectionable.

"Oh Charlotte.....I know how you feel now, John has been away all week and I'm dying here" [ha ha ha]

"Oh Charlotte....John's away all week so I'm solo parenting. Gosh it's hard"

See the difference?

Show quote history

So in the second one, the person hasn’t said they know what it’s like but they have used the term solo parenting. What’s wrong with that? And what should they have said instead?

CharlotteBog · 29/08/2023 18:14

@LouisaPeanut
I think we are in agreement.
The second phrase I think is fine.

I'm not the OP btw, just joining the discussion!

Love a good rant, me!

WeWereInParis · 29/08/2023 18:27

I'd always assumed definitions were along the lines of

Single parent - parent without a partner, other parent may or may not have involvement to varying degrees

Lone parent - parent where the other parent has no involvement at all.

Solo parent - parent currently parenting by themselves for a given period of time eg someone who's partner works away for a week, or has gone away for a few days. I think people who do this a lot (eg someone whose partner regularly works away for weeks or months) are very reasonable to want a word to describe that, and single parent or lone parent aren't right. That doesn't mean they think it's the same as being a lone parent, but it obviously has challenges and it may well be that people who do it want a word to describe that.

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 18:44

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 17:38

How should a parent (who otherwise has a parental partner) describe a significant period of time where the other parent isn’t present?

Excellent question that I'd like to know the answer to, as well. To all intents and purposes if you're by yourself while the other parent works away be it for a few days or weeks or months, you're still solo by definition as you're by yourself? I really don't get the offence and outrage tbh. No one is saying that's harder than being completely fully alone all of the time, of course it's not (albeit it comes with its own logistical and practical challenges of course), but why is there such an objection to simply describing oneself as "solo" when by definition, albeit temporarily, they are?

I just don't think it needs a name.. before kids when your partner went out for the day did you say 'I'm solo living today'?

Just say DH husband is out today / this week, it doesn't need a grand title of 'solo parenting'

museumum · 29/08/2023 18:45

We’ve always used “flying solo” to mean the other parent is away for a few days to a week. It’s obviously not nearly as hard as being a solo parent but it is pretty tricky when your routine / job / childcare / commitments are based on the two of you sharing certain tasks to suddenly do it all for a week.

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 18:50

Just say DH husband is out today / this week, it doesn't need a grand title of 'solo parenting'

So why single parenting, then? Why does that need a 'grand title'? Why not say: "I have no partner so I'm looking after my kids by myself". Well, probably no-one says that because it's much easier to say "I'm a single parent" and everyone knows what that means 🤷‍♀️

So no different to saying "I'm solo parenting this week as DH is working away", or "DH is working away this week so I'm parenting by myself". Really?! Does it matter that much?

It's literally no different and there's absolutely no need for anyone to find offence in that.

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 18:50

WeWereInParis · 29/08/2023 18:27

I'd always assumed definitions were along the lines of

Single parent - parent without a partner, other parent may or may not have involvement to varying degrees

Lone parent - parent where the other parent has no involvement at all.

Solo parent - parent currently parenting by themselves for a given period of time eg someone who's partner works away for a week, or has gone away for a few days. I think people who do this a lot (eg someone whose partner regularly works away for weeks or months) are very reasonable to want a word to describe that, and single parent or lone parent aren't right. That doesn't mean they think it's the same as being a lone parent, but it obviously has challenges and it may well be that people who do it want a word to describe that.

I assumed similar definitions to you.

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 18:56

@WeWereInParis

You are spot on with this: 👍🏻

I think people who do this a lot (eg someone whose partner regularly works away for weeks or months) are very reasonable to want a word to describe that, and single parent or lone parent aren't right. That doesn't mean they think it's the same as being a lone parent, but it obviously has challenges and it may well be that people who do it want a word to describe that.

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 19:00

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 18:50

Just say DH husband is out today / this week, it doesn't need a grand title of 'solo parenting'

So why single parenting, then? Why does that need a 'grand title'? Why not say: "I have no partner so I'm looking after my kids by myself". Well, probably no-one says that because it's much easier to say "I'm a single parent" and everyone knows what that means 🤷‍♀️

So no different to saying "I'm solo parenting this week as DH is working away", or "DH is working away this week so I'm parenting by myself". Really?! Does it matter that much?

It's literally no different and there's absolutely no need for anyone to find offence in that.

I don't really say 'single parent' tbh, it's how it's been since my little one was 4 months so I don't really know much difference. I'm just his mum, and his dad lives somewhere else and he sees him sometimes, and I also happen to be single.

I can't really imagine relying on anyone to the degree that it makes a big difference when they're gone. I guess maybe quite jealous of people who have that support.

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 19:03

I think you can just say DH is working away, and the fact you're looking after the kids is implied in that? Otherwise why would it also not be I'm solo cleaning, solo gardening, solo cooking, solo anything else that happens to fall within that time other than childcare?

WeWereInParis · 29/08/2023 19:07

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 19:03

I think you can just say DH is working away, and the fact you're looking after the kids is implied in that? Otherwise why would it also not be I'm solo cleaning, solo gardening, solo cooking, solo anything else that happens to fall within that time other than childcare?

Presumably for the same reason that a single parent or a lone parent wouldn't describe themselves as a single gardener, or a lone cook.

museumum · 29/08/2023 19:19

I can't really imagine relying on anyone to the degree that it makes a big difference when they're gone. I guess maybe quite jealous of people who have that support.

I do understand this and can imagine, but equally can you imagine you have work commitments and childcare built on two people. My dh dropped the dc at nursery while I started work early to finish in time to pick up. If he was away I had to beg my boss for additional time off in the mornings. Obviously if I were a single or loan parent I just wouldn’t be able to do that job or use that nursery but as I’m not lone/single, doing a week solo is tricky.
also kids have clubs in different places at the same time, when dh is away I need to beg lifts from friends or they miss a class.

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 19:20

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 19:03

I think you can just say DH is working away, and the fact you're looking after the kids is implied in that? Otherwise why would it also not be I'm solo cleaning, solo gardening, solo cooking, solo anything else that happens to fall within that time other than childcare?

Because none of those other tasks are as demanding or stressful (imo) as parenting, and so discussions with others about the demands of one's life more often arise within the context of parenting. When you're part of a couple/family, parenting jointly is the default mode and you're used to operating as such. And so that task becomes obviously more demanding and stressful when one partner is absent for a week or so, even if that's temporary. Stress can be both permanent and transient - the transient stressors experienced by people who solo parent when their partners work away is no less valid just because others have to parent by themselves permanently. Both are allowed to exist and be equally as valid.

LouisaPeanut · 29/08/2023 19:20

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/08/2023 19:03

I think you can just say DH is working away, and the fact you're looking after the kids is implied in that? Otherwise why would it also not be I'm solo cleaning, solo gardening, solo cooking, solo anything else that happens to fall within that time other than childcare?

Your earlier example:
It mildly annoys me too, I'm in a WhatsApp group where people often say things like 'I'm solo parenting for the day, does anyone want to meet up', as I'm just like well that's me all the time.
I should think the biggest issue with “DH is working away, do you want to meet up?” versus “I’m solo parenting for the day” is that you have friends that only want to meet you when their husbands are away.

also not sure why they need to mention the solo thing why not just say does anyone fancy doing something on Sunday..
I’m likely to say to my friends if they suggest we meet up “yes but I’m solo parenting today so it can only be…. [list scenarios here].” If DH is around then there are lots of options. If DH isn’t around then I need to make adjustments as lots of things I can’t do by myself with three small children. However I word it is just meaningless semantics.

I’m not trying to play “who has it harder” top trumps (genuinely, I don’t doubt you have it hard) but maybe you don’t get it because you’re never outnumbered.