‘Solo Parent’

[babynme]

So I am a ‘solo parent’. Baby’s dad is not involved, I’m doing it all on my own. Solo. I don’t hate it (I did at the start) but it’s my reality, I’ve found what works for me so I just get on with it now.

It’s really starting to grind my gears now that I see a lot of tik tokers / influencers calling themselves ‘solo parents’ or that they are ‘solo parenting for a few days’ because their partner is at work. Is it just me? I’m not trying to gatekeep the phrase per-say, but most of the time their attitude is ‘feel sorry for me my husband is off to his 9-5 I’m solo parenting’ when this is our reality 24/7, I just feel it’s being used wrongly.

please tell me if I’m overreacting by being peeved by this 🤣

@Ilikepinacoladass

I don't have any family nearby so I'm not entirely sure what other things I can put in place.

I obviously don't rely on my husband for pick ups and drop offs knowing he's 300 miles away; that's just silly. It's the day to day around the house stuff, when you're suddenly down to one person and one set of eyes / hands, it's logistically much more challenging overnight. It's a constantly back and forth adjustment, as opposed to just being the constant status quo. That's a challenge in and of itself.

It's a sense of, god this task was so much easier last week when he was home and now I'm trying to juggle it solo with my own job, etc. It's a constant shift in mindset / stress levels. I personally find that constant change in itself difficult to navigate and disorienting. If my life was consistently one particular way, I'd become accustomed to that way. That's what I'm getting at. Having a set up like that brings its own stresses and challenges. Not to compare those challenges to being a single parent, of course, but it does have challenges.

Yes I do see what you mean. But is also a bit like saying it's harder to be poor for a day because you aren't used to it / haven't got strategies to economise, verses being poor for years.

If you're solo for the day or week you are still benefitting from all the things your partner did while they were there (things around the house / financial contributions / them potentially being on the end of the phone). Being solo 100% of the time, as much as you have the strategies in place to cope and survive the day to day, the relentlessness of doing it all (not just childcare but looking after the house etc) for years and years does build up.

So I think some sensitivity is needed when making a big deal of 'solo parenting' especially when talking about short periods of time.

OMG this.

My DH's ex-wife calls herself a 'single parent'. Yet, we have the kids 50% of the time (and yes that also involves life admin - organising clubs, school stuff, hospital or doctors where necessary). Hardly single.

Yup.

If you notice a damp patch on the ceiling, or you get a letter saying you need to renew your mortgage, or you know the kids need new shoes - if your partner is away for a week you know you can delay those things, or you know that you'll have someone to discuss those things with.

When you're a lone parent you have no one to share those responsibilities with. It's all on you. All the time.

I'm not so naive to think that all couples live this rosy, sharing life and I wouldn't want my life any other way (mostly!), but yeah.....don't tell me you know what it's like to be me when you're being a solo parent for a week.

I disagree that sensitivity is required if no one compares themselves to others in the first place and insists on a race to the bottom. We are all managing our own individual lives and personal stressors, and that's OK. My stress does not negate or invalidate yours, and vice versa. There's absolutely no need for the "my life is definitely harder than yours" competitiveness. Who is it benefiting? We are all struggling in our own ways - that's allowed and that's valid.

I'm not so naive to think that all couples live this rosy, sharing life and I wouldn't want my life any other way (mostly!), but yeah.....don't tell me you know what it's like to be me when you're being a solo parent for a week.

I've been a solo parent for 4 months of this year in total, not just for a week.

And I've never once ever said "I know what it's like to me you" or anyone else - if you read my posts you'll see my stance is the precise opposite of that - you'll see that I said I find it invalidating for anyone to ever say to anyone "I know how you feel", whatever the context. Because ultimately absolutely no other person in this world knows what it's like to walk in the shoes of another - not truly. They can guess, and they can have similarities in their lives, but each and every person's struggles are unique to that person and they are all entirely valid.

The logistical / childcare stuff is just one area of challenge, of course. Another is maintaining a relationship with your partner when they've been physically absent for most of the year so far. That puts a huge strain on things from a relationship as well as family perspective. Hence why - everyone's struggles are unique to them, and valid. Nothing anyone says on here or anywhere else will change my view on that

If I was single, I wouldn't be lying awake at night as I do frequently worrying about whether the relationship with my partner can withstand the constant distance between us, and whether I am in fact going to end up a single mum, for example... so there's an example of a worry / stress that's unique to my situation.

I think, ultimately, there is a fundamental difference in how I view this compared to some. I don't view a scale of "how hard is my life" and place myself on it relative to others - my mind just doesn't work like that. I view things as - everyone has shit they're struggling with; and that will look different for each person depending on what their life situation is. No person's struggle is more or less worthy in my opinion.

My post wasn't directed at you.

@CharlotteBog

Fair enough. My point remains though. You say people who parent solo for a week at a time (like me) can't know what it's like to be you. Correct, I agree. But equally, a single parent can't know what it's like to be me, either, so that sentiment works both ways. My challenges are admittedly different to those of a single parent, but they're challenges nonetheless and they are valid. Like I say, I don't understand the obsession with comparison with others and this "I have to worse than you" mentality (not directed at you as such, just the general vibe of this thread). It's just unnecessary and unhelpful if we all just validate each other's unique experiences!

I think we are in agreement actually.
I am on the receiving end of having been told "I know what it's like" by someone who is temporarily being a solo parent. They don't and I find it annoying. Off the top of my head it's just two people. One is absolutely NOT a race to the bottom woman, I think she was trying to be supportive.

The other most definitely does like to go on about how hard everything is. She's attention seeking and quite self centred in general so it can get a bit tedious.

I do not cite my lone parent status as a reason for being unable to do certain things. I just opt out.

Those people are assholes however they word things though 😅

To me single parent and solo parent have two different meanings - solo is someone who does it through IVF, single where the isn't resident.

In terms of the colloquial use of "solo parenting for a few days", everyone is clear what that means and nobody is confusing it for your situation.

as the partner of a shift worker, yes I fully agree, I dread weekends absolutely the worst part of the week

I do not cite my lone parent status as a reason for being unable to do certain things. I just opt out.

I get this, however, when you do have a partner there some of the time, it makes sense to cite their absence as a reason to not be able to opt into social events, because if I simply said "I'm sorry I can't, I have no childcare", others often naturally ask "is DH not home?" etc. So I usually pre-empt that by saying "I can't sorry, I'm solo this week" etc.

Absolutely. If the people I am communicating with know I am a lone parent then I don't need to say it.
If (as you say) it's a not-usual situation for someone else, then it makes sense that they explain.

So why don't you leave? Genuinely? Be a single mum. When you are a single mum this means finicially too so no 50/50 on rent, bills, holidays and all the rest.

There's a huge difference between having someone at home (partner that doesn't help much) but you go halves on all bills.

Absolutely. Those who aren't living a rosy relationship have a choice. There is no choice when you are single like you said its on you as a single parent.

So why don't you leave? Genuinely? Be a single mum.

@Redpepperss - Eh?? Where on earth did that come from? I'm not leaving because I actually want my relationship to work and I love my husband!

I said it keeps me awake at night worrying about whether we will survive due to the stress placed upon us as a family and a couple due to the time my husband spends away from home with work. I used it as an example of a unique source of stress for people in my situation: one that wouldn't exist if I was single (albeit I'm sure many other worries would exist in place of this one). I cited this as an example of how everyone has stressors that are unique to their own lives and situations and each is equally as valid as the other. I think you have vastly misunderstood my point.

Stress when you are in a relationship and stress as a single parent isn't even remotely comparable at all. 🙄

@Redpepperss

Who's comparing? Have you read any of my posts? I've advocated repeatedly for the exact opposite of comparison!

I agree with you @Redpepperss - read my posts. The stressors are indeed not comparable; but they are equally as valid as one another.

Who said invalid? I said not remotely comparable to being a single parent.