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Original poster

School won’t stick to agreement

156 replies

SpinningFloppa · 24/09/2022 10:34

I posted this on SN children but no responses it’s a very quiet board and I need some advice as not sure what to do Monday, so trying again here.

I have 4 children 3 in primary, dd oldest just left school in July and is autistic thanks to her primary school she didn’t get a suitable secondary school so I’ve had no choice but to home ed (not my choice but that’s a different thread) anyway due to having 3 still at primary school I’m having to bring dd on the school run, dd is NOT coping with this and I’m having a struggle getting her down there every day, she refuses to come so I have to persuade her each day, she won’t wait outside and is becoming frustrated she also won’t come into the school grounds at all, I spoke to the school in the beginning and we came to an agreement that I would collect my other 3 early so dd doesn’t have to wait and avoids coming in, not super early only by 10 mins ... this was agreed by the senco, anyway the school are not sticking to it, and aren’t bringing them round or letting them come round alone leaving me standing outside the school gates with dd having a melt down.

Yesterday I got to the school early and buzzed on to remind them yet they still didn’t bring them out?! This meant I was stood outside the school gates unable to leave dd but also she wouldn’t come in. What can I do here as I’m at a point where I’m feeling like I can’t bring them to school as I can’t collect them! Any other options here as I’m at a loss, dd is super strong she won’t come in and gets angry if I try to make her, I will add when she was in school I was able to pick them all up early at 3 as dd couldn’t manage the noise and the crowds at pick up and after an incident happened in the play ground we came to this agreement, I’m just trying to avoid another situation happening.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 25/09/2022 12:31

SpinningFloppa · 24/09/2022 15:34

Yes I read about that on here, my borough only has 2 special schools and both only take children with SLD so I had to apply out of borough which also went against us.

Show quote history

I don't know if it was successful as I don't know the parent, but our school did an email around asking if anyone could help a single mum with morning school runs. So could be a possible avenue. I know others have found support through our local FB group for parents and carers of Autistic children, maybe an avenue you could try if you feel up to it.b I get being burnt out and in survival mode and it's so hard in that situation to find anything left to fight with after years of advocating and fighting to have your child's most basic needs met. No one can really understand the mental, physical and emotional cost of years of fighting for your DC, of having to find something from somewhere to cope, to look after your DC, when you feel like there is absolutely nothing left in you. It's easy for people to say you should have done this or you should of done that or you didn't try hard enough when they have NFI what it's like to walk in your shoes, what you've been through.

I won't pretend I understand your exact situation, all my DC are Autistic, but they don't have such complex needs, so it's hard in different ways, but I know how it feels to have nothing left and still needing to fight just to get through the day. There is no way I could get my older, heavier DC into school. It's all I can do to stop them shoving the bedroom door open when me and the other DC are in there to stay physically safe from them. No one who hadn't been there has any idea what it's like to have your child physically attack you or be worried there going to knock someone's DC to the ground.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 25/09/2022 12:37

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 25/09/2022 11:59

My DC school has no problem with them leaning early, sometimes by a couple of hours, usually for various therapy appointments and I often have to pick them all up as I often can't get back before school ends. Admittedly it's not ever day, probably averages 1-2 times a week, if they don't all turn up at the front office at the pickup time my eldest goes and collects the others from their classes. Sometimes their teachers or they all remember, sometimes no one does and then it's the office staff who go and get them for me. Covid made this harder, I used to be able to go in and collect them from class, but we're still not allowed in school grounds where I am.

Thank you, some of these comments have honestly been ridiculous “unfair” on my kids for leaving 10 mins early, they love leaving early and avoiding the rush as we get the bus home so leaving early also means it’s nice and empty, and it was the schools suggestion I picked them up slightly early not mine, I am happy for them to come out the usual time they are 10 and 8 they are more than capable of walking out themselves to meet me standing outside. They suggested I collect early. There’s 4 other parents that collect their kids early also as I see them whilst I’m waiting to collect mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 25/09/2022 12:42

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 25/09/2022 12:31

I don't know if it was successful as I don't know the parent, but our school did an email around asking if anyone could help a single mum with morning school runs. So could be a possible avenue. I know others have found support through our local FB group for parents and carers of Autistic children, maybe an avenue you could try if you feel up to it.b I get being burnt out and in survival mode and it's so hard in that situation to find anything left to fight with after years of advocating and fighting to have your child's most basic needs met. No one can really understand the mental, physical and emotional cost of years of fighting for your DC, of having to find something from somewhere to cope, to look after your DC, when you feel like there is absolutely nothing left in you. It's easy for people to say you should have done this or you should of done that or you didn't try hard enough when they have NFI what it's like to walk in your shoes, what you've been through.

I won't pretend I understand your exact situation, all my DC are Autistic, but they don't have such complex needs, so it's hard in different ways, but I know how it feels to have nothing left and still needing to fight just to get through the day. There is no way I could get my older, heavier DC into school. It's all I can do to stop them shoving the bedroom door open when me and the other DC are in there to stay physically safe from them. No one who hadn't been there has any idea what it's like to have your child physically attack you or be worried there going to knock someone's DC to the ground.

Show quote history

Thank you for understanding yes dd can be aggressive during melt downs im trying to avoid a repeat of the incident in the playground last time I’m not sure why that’s a bad thing. If she was willing to come into the playground it would be different but she isn’t, she sits on the ground outside the school and won’t move, she finds it stressful and she’s not the only one who was picked a few minutes early.

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 25/09/2022 23:06

How far is the bus stop from the school gates could another parent, teaching assistant, or your 10 year old get their sibling and meet you and your DD there? If you are able to get the bus with her maybe she feels safe there and could you wait there and walk a step closer to the school each day, you know do it gradually?

quietnightmare · 25/09/2022 23:08

Also is there another entrance to the school you could wait with DD if it was quieter and away from people and your children come out that exit, like the staff entrance or the back of a car park if there's one?

Saracen · 30/09/2022 08:33

I'm sorry you are all having such a rough time.

You are sure that your Y4 and Y6 children are quite safe coming out to you on their own. The school cannot insist that you collect children or set a minimum age. How your children travel to and from school is not their decision. It is yours. They are only in loco parentis during school hours. Their policy is not enforceable. I agree with a previous poster's suggestion that you write school a letter saying they are to release your Y6 and Y4 children to walk out to you on their own. (I did this with my child though I didn't have an extreme need like yours; I just felt they were infantilising competent older children and I felt strongly enough to make a fuss about it. School grumbled but eventually complied with my request.)

If you do not go in to collect the children, eventually school will realise that they either have to do as you requested, or they'll claim it's an emergency and contact Social Care, who is likely to laugh at them. It would very difficult for school to make a case that your 8yo is not competent to walk across the school grounds alone or with a 10yo to their waiting parent. Plenty of children all over the country walk home alone at this age.

If Social Care did become involved, that would not be a disaster, and might help you get the support you need.

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