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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

prevent children from relocating abroad with the other parent

231 replies

reallywanttohelp · 27/10/2019 12:01

NC for this thread.

A (male) friend of mine had a brief and unhappy marriage (now divorced for a couple of years) and two children from it. The mother of the children is originally not from the UK and had asked the family court for a permission to relocate with their children back to her own country (non EU, not English speaking, and very underdeveloped).

His children are his life (without any exaggeration, he is talking about them all the time), he sees them almost every week, and has a very close and loving relationship. They go on the day trips, to zoos, parks and museums, and are really happy together. He also plans to apply for at least a 50/50 custody once they are a little bit older and the court takes their views into account.

He will have a direct access barrister representing him during the process (which will cost him all his savings), but he is currently retraining for a new career and does not earn anything so cannot afford a solicitor on a day-to-day basis. The mother has a professional job (they met through work) and is reasonably well-off, it is not the case that she struggles in any way - a homeowner, has a cleaner / nanny / dog walker, able to afford nursery fees etc.

He asked me to help with all possible arguments why the children should not be relocating abroad (they spent almost their life in the UK, despite being born in that country). Not from the legal perspective, it will be the barrister's job to convert them into the statement for the court, but rather from the children's perspective. He is very distraught now and not thinking straight, this application was a complete surprise for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

reallywanttohelp · 27/10/2019 12:51

How can the father be a guarantor for the maternal grandparents if he hasn't got an income and lives in a house share?
He has savings, and his family is quite well off too. It is just at the moment he tries to live as frugally as possible, whilst retraining.

OP posts:

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/10/2019 12:52

My DC didn't see their dad every weekend when he moved overseas. But they did have long holiday periods with him.
From my observation it didn't seem to alter their relationship with him a great deal at all.
They could send him photos of their school art via email.
They told him what they were up to etc.

As a disclaimer, he really is a Disney dad so that could have something to do with the lack of apparent difference in quality of contact.

DuchessDumbarton · 27/10/2019 12:54

I can't see if you've said whether he pays maintenance for his children?

Original poster

reallywanttohelp · 27/10/2019 12:55

I can't see if you've said whether he pays maintenance for his children?
Yes he does (he pays even above what the government says he should).

OP posts:

ShitOnIt78 · 27/10/2019 13:03

Giving up a paid job to retrain when you have 2 children to support is nothing short of selfish. He does absolutely sod all by the sounds of it, the odd trip to the zoo and the park is hardly going to be missed is it. I'd say she was absolutely doing the right thing moving to get more support!

SnowyRacoon · 27/10/2019 13:04

Oh stop making excuses for him, he should be paying set maintenance every week, now, not when he can be arsed. In fact @reallywanttohelp stop enabling him and let him get his shit together himself. He sounds like he says what you want to hear, but does nothing else.

Original poster

reallywanttohelp · 27/10/2019 13:04

He just feels such an idiot now. He gave his permission for the children to study their mother's native language and attend relevant playgroups / church / etc., and now it is spun against him as the children are presented to the court as belonging to the mother's culture and she is simply returning them back to their roots.

OP posts:

Original poster

reallywanttohelp · 27/10/2019 13:05

@SnowyRacoon
He is paying maintenance, not a single payment missed. Kept paying even when was unemployed.

OP posts:

ShitOnIt78 · 27/10/2019 13:06

Yes he does (he pays even above what the government says he should)

You say that like your boyfriend (and its obvious that this is who he is!) is some sort of saint for paying over the statutory minimum to support his own children! That government figure is an absolute pittance and in no way reflects the true cost of raising a child, not by a long shot!

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/10/2019 13:07

I don't think anyone would think any better of him if he had refused permission for them to study one of the languages that is part of their heritage.
Shocked that would even be a possibility tbh

IdiotInDisguise · 27/10/2019 13:07

Yes he does (he pays even above what the government says he should).

Which is 20% of ante salary he doesn’t have. Even £1 is above what the government says he should.

IdiotInDisguise · 27/10/2019 13:08

Neat nor ante

Original poster

reallywanttohelp · 27/10/2019 13:09

He does absolutely sod all by the sounds of it, the odd trip to the zoo and the park is hardly going to be missed is it.
He is taking them to medical appointments, dentists, has a termly meeting at school and nursery with all the teachers. He's the one ensuring that they have correct shoes and uniform (the mother makes them wear shoes that are two sizes too small). Pays for the oldest child's school lunches, as the mother is too busy to log in and pay for it, and the child goes hungry if the balance is too low.

OP posts:

IdiotInDisguise · 27/10/2019 13:13

She is not busy, she is just trying to get the tight arse to pay for school lunches

IdiotInDisguise · 27/10/2019 13:14

How can he ensure they have the right shoes and uniforms if the kids never stay at his? Armchair parenting this is...

Ostanovka · 27/10/2019 13:14

Permission to learn a language and go to playgroup?! You seem to know all the fine details OP, why are you so invested in this family?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/10/2019 13:16

Really want to help, you sound really biased against the mum to the point where I'm not sure you can give him any rational advice.

One of my DC shot up 2 shoe sizes this summer in a few weeks. It can happen easily enough

Original poster

reallywanttohelp · 27/10/2019 13:16

I don't think anyone would think any better of him if he had refused permission for them to study one of the languages that is part of their heritage.
Not refused because it is their heritage, don't get me wrong. But when it comes to studying (and paying extortionate amounts for the lessons btw), there are literally hundreds of languages that would be more of use to them when they are older. He agreed to it precisely because it is their heritage, and now his agreement is turned against him as acceptance that the children are "not native" (for the lack of a better word) to Britain. I am not a racist immigrant hater, I am foreign myself.
And no, it is not my boyfriend.

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 27/10/2019 13:16

Good for you for supporting your friend OP, he sounds tome like a man who loves his children and does what he's can for them. That sort of parent should not have their children removed from them. If the country the mother wants to move to really is underdeveloped, then surely that's got to be a big part of his argument?

What are the educational facilities and healthcare like compared to here? How difficult would it be to maintain the relationship the dc have with their dad and what's the children's relationship like with the rest of his family?

I can't see how it would be better for the dc to be moved to another country, even if the mum would prefer it. She moved here and had her children here, they shouldn't be uprooted just on her whim. Good luck to your friend, I think it's awful that women can do this to loving Dads.

Whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 27/10/2019 13:18

I'm not buying your role in this at all.
It's either a reverse or this man is your partner.
Since he doesn't even see them every week and was willing to wait 10 years to even apply for 50/50 custody I'm sure the children won't be too upset by seeing him even less...

Ostanovka · 27/10/2019 13:20

Why doesn't the 5 year old get a universal free school lunch?

TheCanterburyWhales · 27/10/2019 13:22

He's just a virtual Saint isn't he?
I bet they split up because she had an affair too.
If he's you, OP, then you need to rethink your motivations Nothing you've said infers that these children are your "life".
If he's your partner OP, I'd be thinking he protests too much.
He will probably be able to stop them relocating abroad anyway. But he might need to show a bit more commitment to what he shows now

Original poster

reallywanttohelp · 27/10/2019 13:23

Why doesn't the 5 year old get a universal free school lunch?
The mother earns above the cut off for the free school lunches if I understand correctly, so it is packed lunch or paying for the usual school lunch (via an online system, he does not have to give cash to the child).

OP posts:

HermioneWeasIey · 27/10/2019 13:25

Every 5 year old gets a free school lunch, it's universal

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/10/2019 13:27

epi.org.uk/publications-and-research/evaluation-universal-infant-free-school-meals/
Is it not a state school?

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