Maintenance, how much is enough?

[Longlongsummer]

I was wondering about maintenance payments. My ex has paid £180 a month for years. I get that it’s based on income, however he’s self employed so doesn’t declare half of it!

I used to have a good job however I decided to take a part time one to be around more for our son. I’m the main carer. So I don’t earn very much at all.

I think that this is very low. As effectively I am still covering over half of my child’s costs, in mortgage, clothes, food etc. My son in total does not cost only £360 a month I can tell you! I’ve added it up to budget better.

I’m sure that there are parents out there coping with less, less money and less maintenance. Why are we? Why aren’t we shouting that it’s not right?

I also pay for all the extra activities that my son does, music lessons, child care when younger, extra tuition. He has some mild learning difficulties and I’ve paid for extra help. I’ve paid for every single penny of everything without receiving any extra and I’m feeling a little sick of being both the main breadwinner and main carer.

I’ve talked with other lone parents, and this seems to be the norm. Mothers paid an amount based on CSA which is based not on what the child needs, but what the Dad earns and is the absolute minimum. And yet every father seems to take that as being ‘doing their fair share’.

And I’ve never complained to Ex. And yet I think, what are we doing as women, by just letting this happen? Why aren’t men paying half of the costs for their kids? Is this really common?

@holidayhelpppp you didn’t answer my question. So a father does not have to pay for a roof over his child’s head?

Actually Child maintenance is to help with housing costs for everyone saying it isn't and also food and clothing (it's in place to cover only basic needs) as for the day to day childcare cost, holidays, hobbies and such that's for the custodial parent to fund same as if the non residential parents wanted to take child on a vacation, take up a hobby etc that's up to them to fund

long yes, the roof in which they live in where the child stays. I don't think he should pay for your roof, no.

Dp pays for our house, where DSS stays, his ex pays for her house, where DSS stays.

@holidayhelpppp why should I ask for 50/50?

So my sons wellbeing is less important than trying to get his father to pay? A decision for his shared care should be based on trying to get financial help? His father is not up for looking after him 50/50 and wants him to be with me.

So a father does not have to pay for a roof over his child’s head?

Morally, yes, to a point. Legally, no. That's pretty much it.

@Longlongsummer Well yes, but that's not the situation we are discussing, is it? You're talking about one child. Again as I said, my responses are coloured by my own situation. I already have a two-bed house so regardless of if DP left, I haven't had to increase my mortgage etc.

I'd be in the same situation as him in terms of being able to buy a second home for renting if I chose to, even if I had DS 95% of the time. Because my costs are not increased by anymore than the £180 we'd both be paying (if I used your maintenance as a basis). So I'd be no worse off. But you clearly are which is why my latest post said we all have different situations etc.

long I gave that as a solution to your example.

I haven't said your sons wellbeing is less important, but you seem to only care about the fact that you are doing 95% of everything.

A solution to that, if both parents are agreeable would be 50/50 shared care.

How am I to know that your sons dad isn't interested?

So if a child has a roof for 95% of the year in one home, and a bedroom, then as a parent you should not pay half of that?

Why?!

So a father only pays housing for the hours that he has his son?

So let me get this right. One parent has decided to do less parenting. And have them overnight for 5% of the year. So they should only pay for 5%?

Search the government websites or ask anyone who actually works for dwp anywhere in this country it's to help towards basic needs of the child that's housing costs, food and clothes nothing else if the non residential parent wants to offer more in a private agreement they can so yes a non residential parent is responsible for contributing to housing costs

it is YOUR responsibility to pay for YOUR house. Maintenance is towards your sons costs. Its up to you how you spend that, so by all means put it towards your enormous mortgage.

You cant ask for more money because YOU chose to buy a bigger house in a more expensive area. That is entirely your own problem.

I haven't ever said they should only pay for 5% - ive said a reasonable amount of maintenance should be paid to you, as RP. They should also have a roof over their head in which the child can visit and or stay.

please stop trying to twist my words.

@TokenGinger so it’s okay to ask for costs for four children housing wise. But not one as ‘I’d have an extra bedroom anyway’?

Makes no sense.

Anyway, amongst all this madness. My son is losing out financially. Their security is really important. So much evidence shows that financial security is a strong predictor of their wellbeing after divorce or separation. They are being let down as the mother cannot be expected to take on the majority financial burden.

It’s the children in these circumstances that lose. Imagine being so tight about your own child? It’s financial neglect.

Holidayhelppp As I've said twice i suggest you do more research dwp websites clearly state help towards housing cost I know what I'm talking about it's a basic need

@Makesmilingyourbesthobby Thanks.

make I know what im talking about too, what I am saying is OP cant ask more more maintenance than CMS amount because her house costs her more because it has an extra bedroom.

CMS don't care what ops house costs.

Jesus Christ you are ridiculously hard work. I am saying that I appreciate my own situation is colouring my view. In that, my view may not be right or the same as yours. Because I have no additional costs (other than food and clothes) as a result of having a child. But you're too intent on a bun fight, despite the fact I'm trying to say that I understand my situation is different to yours.

If I ha

He doesn’t pay a cms amount. And even if he did, it wouldn’t reflect his earnings as he doesn’t declare half of it.

CMS is not half the cost of a child, it is the minimal amount enforceable based on their earnings. It is not half the cost of a child as for example some people are only required to pay £6.

Oops, DS just tapped my phone before I replied!

If I had four children and needed to home them in day a 3 bedroom house, and my ex wasn't doing the same, I'd probably say he needs to contribute towards their family home but that that home is then split when they all turn 18. I'd say the same if he was RP and I had to pay towards a mortgage for the kids. Either it gets split between us two when they're 18, or it gets split between the kids.

However, if we both had three-bed homes to accommodate the kids, I wouldn't expect anything more.

@TokenGinger well just answer my previous questions. Should the father pay half the cost of putting a roof over his child’s head? It’s a simple yes or no.

CMS hasn't ever claimed to be half the costs, how could they when it varies so massively between families?

What im saying is, all you can legally claim is that. You cannot extort more money from your ex because your mortgage is expensive.

You're unhappy about that, clearly, but there is nothing you can do about it.

My advice would be don't have kids if youre not prepared to pay 100% of their costs.

Its utterly foolish to rely on maintenance.

I’m not talking legally. I’m talking morally.

how would you suggest that we enforce parents paying exactly half the cost of their child?

genuinely, how would you solve it?

morally is entirely irrelevant though isn't it?

My advice would be don't have kids if youre not prepared to pay 100% of their costs. tell that to the fathers then!

It starts with a moral basis. So do you agree that morally the father should pay half of the costs? And that if the mother is 95% resident most of these costs reside with her?

I would tell that to any father who had been left with a child and a non paying ex.

Women can leave their kids and not pay for them too you know!

The thing is most women WANT to be RP and therefore have to take the costs associated with that. Nobody is forced to be RP if they don't want to be.