Maintenance, how much is enough?

[Longlongsummer]

I was wondering about maintenance payments. My ex has paid £180 a month for years. I get that it’s based on income, however he’s self employed so doesn’t declare half of it!

I used to have a good job however I decided to take a part time one to be around more for our son. I’m the main carer. So I don’t earn very much at all.

I think that this is very low. As effectively I am still covering over half of my child’s costs, in mortgage, clothes, food etc. My son in total does not cost only £360 a month I can tell you! I’ve added it up to budget better.

I’m sure that there are parents out there coping with less, less money and less maintenance. Why are we? Why aren’t we shouting that it’s not right?

I also pay for all the extra activities that my son does, music lessons, child care when younger, extra tuition. He has some mild learning difficulties and I’ve paid for extra help. I’ve paid for every single penny of everything without receiving any extra and I’m feeling a little sick of being both the main breadwinner and main carer.

I’ve talked with other lone parents, and this seems to be the norm. Mothers paid an amount based on CSA which is based not on what the child needs, but what the Dad earns and is the absolute minimum. And yet every father seems to take that as being ‘doing their fair share’.

And I’ve never complained to Ex. And yet I think, what are we doing as women, by just letting this happen? Why aren’t men paying half of the costs for their kids? Is this really common?

@teddy349
I know it's crazy. In the old calculator even if you put 4 nights a week- so MORE than the other parent. It still gave a figure you should pay.

readit he could, but when the ex wife doesnt comply with the order and still doesnt let him see the child, then what? He will be spending that money over and over again because realistically contact orders are very hard to enforce.

@readitandwept
I know a father who has been back to court 3 times as the mother just refuses to comply with the court order. After going back she does it for a few weeks then stops again.
What can he do now? System is very heavily flawed

Your ex pays £180. You pay £180.

You'll get child benefit of £80.

As you're part time, you'll likely get other benefits/Universal Credit, too. If not, that's still £420 for your son alone.

My outgoings did not increase by £420 because of my son. My mortgage did not increase. My gas/electricity/water increased marginally.

£180 a month doesn't seem all that bad to me?

It doesn’t cover his mortgage, food or clothes, no!

I could move to a cheaper area, with less, good schools, go more on benefits. I guess that would be one solution?

@heyjoeyitsestelle at least he's tried.

And yes my mortgage is more, a third more, because he has an extra bedroom and I live near a reasonable school. His child care costs per month used to be £400 alone.

I could have purchased a flat for at least a third less of the cost, probably more and lived wherever I liked just thinking of my job. Got a better job in fact and been able to work whatever hours as I didn’t have a child to put to bed etc. And been way better off with less outgoings and a great pension...

Oh no wait that’s what my Ex has been able to do! And yet I pay more? Makes no sense.

I can't believe the people saying you chose to work part time! Why does that mean the other parent should provide less for a child they helped to create?! Regardless of how the main parent provides their half - full time work, part time work, benefits, the other parent should still pay half. Some people earn more working part time than others do full time. Of course the RP is going to be financially worse off if they have to pay 75% of something rather than the 50% they should be paying, especially on such a substantial amount. Nothing to do with how much they earn. CM is more like 'renumerance' for the outgoings that benefit the child rather than going directly towards those things, which is why a lot of lone mothers get slack for putting CM towards hair and nails etc - but that money was supposed to be for them, they HAD to spend it on the child as well as their half or else their child would not survive due to the other parent not paying. Unfortunately maintenance payments almost never cover half of what a child's daily living really costs and that's without luxuries. Many non-resident parents are not decent people and they therefore choose not to pay the amount it really takes to support their child. Many do pay a more realistic amount and are great parents.

Perhaps unusual but we added together both our salaries, worked out what 50% is and he gives me the difference between my salary and 50%, kids are at university so he could pay nothing, I'm aware I'm fortunate. I'm still worse off than him because I pay the kids allowances but I a much nicer house, the car most of the time etc.

Your mortgage is irrelevant. Your ex does not live with you so why should he be contributing towards your mortgage? Do you contribute towards his living costs when he has your child?

How much do you think is fair? And what about if he didn’t agree with your choice of extra curricular activities eg said he’d split the cost of gymnastics but not judo?

If I was not the main carer, I could have a one bedroom flat, in any area.

Because I am the main carer, my mortgage is at least a third higher, as my son has his own bedroom, and it’s near a reasonable school.

So no the father isn’t paying my mortgage for me, thank you very much! But half towards my sons bedroom is fair. And his third of bills I’d see as fair.

As I said, for three years I paid on average £400 a month child care costs. Half towards this would be fair.

Food, clothing and other basic needs, haircuts, travel, whatever. Half of that is fair.

The extra curricular, I haven’t even factored that in! Despite working part time and being the main carer I’ve footed every single one of those bills. Every one! I’ve even paid for sports clubs while he was with his Dad!

@Helmlover1 yes the maintenance seems to disappear when he has our son. As I said he only has him once a month for one or two nights but around 2-3 weeks a year holidays. My son sleeps on his sofa.

So no he doesn’t pay for a bedroom for his son. He doesn’t live by a school. He doesn’t pay day to day bills. Because he’s not the main carer I guess he doesn’t have to.

I agree that he should have been paying 50% of childcare costs previously.

Everything else, though, is on your. It's your mortgage. I doubt very much you'd live in a 1 bedroom flat forever. Most people live in a two-bedroom house as minimum. I am aware I am generalising there but I think you're coming across as ridiculous about your son's bedroom.

If you really wanted to, you could live in a 1 bed flat and you have a sofa bed in the front room with DS in the bedroom if you're really that resentful about having to pay for a bedroom for your own child.

Your ex partner is not obliged to pay towards your home, just as when he purchases a house in the future, you won't be expected to pay for your son to sleepover in that second bedroom.

If my DP left me now, I wouldn't be asking for a contribution to my mortgage/for DS's bedroom, because I'd be paying that mortgage anyway.

I take your point about choosing a house near a good school but that's down to your own choice. Not everybody has that privilege and that's a privilege you've chosen. You could have settled near any school.

@TokenGinger so the non resident parent doesn’t have to pay housing costs for their child? Makes no sense. If I made my son homeless I’m sure social services would be around.

After all if it’s just my house for men then I don’t have to pay for another bedroom?

if you're really that resentful about having to pay for a bedroom for your own child.

So it’s my own child but not exes own child?!

Would you extend that to food? I buy food anyway for myself anyway so why on earth should their father contribute to food for their son?

I think this is part of the reason why men get away with it. Us as women put other women down for even highlighting it.

You're not even listening to me. You need a home regardless of if you have a child or not. So no, I wouldn't expect that the other parent should pay towards mortgage costs. The same as I wouldn't expect them to pay towards my car. They're costs I'd have anyway, even if my child might so happen to sit in my car.

Food is different. That's an additional cost and yes it should be split. My household bills (gas, electricity, water, etc.) are £25 extra a month since having a child, mainly down to increased baths and washing machine runs. So in my view, my son costs £25 for household costs, then his food costs and clothing.

Because everything else, I'd still have to pay if I didn't have him.

Do you get tax credits?
Even if you don't you get £180 a month, plus child benefit, with your 'contribution' of £180 that's £440 a month...I have a teenager and he costs nowhere near that much. If you can't afford all the extra curricular activities then, unfortunately, he will have to choose what is most important.

@Todaythiscouldbe Exactly my thoughts! And calculations.

That’s crazy! You aren’t listening to me!

If I was the main carer I’d have so many choices of places I could buy or rent. I could flat share, I could live in a shared house.

However I have responsibility for seeing that our son is housed adequately.

If my ex was the main carer damn right I’d be expecting him to provide a bedroom, and think of schooling - all of his basic needs. As the other parent I would pay half the costs for this no problem. Why wouldn’t I? Why would I be telling my ex, if he were the main carer, that well you have to live in a house anyway, I’m not paying anything towards that?! If we had three kids, would you be suggesting that he would be paying for a 4 bed house anyway?

How nuts to suggest that if I was that resentful I should make him sleep on a couch?!

I hope you don’t end up split up and having to accomodate your kids!

I appreciate what you’re saying about a ‘minimum standard of living’ but for who? Presumably since your son sleeps on your ex’s couch, he’s is a one bedroom? It doesn’t sound to be me like he’s hiding money from you to live the highlife. So your ex moves to a bed sit in order to pay you more maintenance, but then what ‘standard of living’ does your son have when he stays with his dad? He has to have enough money to maintain a home for for his son too.

In an ideal world yes, your ex would have paid half of the childcare costs, but a person can only pay within their means.

longlongsummer but really your mortgage isn't his problem, you choose to have more bedrooms and a more expensive property.

Its not right, but the reality is that if you have children, you need to be prepared that you might end up raising them on your own. Just as you would if their other parent died, for instance.

maintenance absolutely should be paid, and at a fair rate but there are too many variables for there to be a blanket rate of "that's what it costs to raise a child"

RPs and NRPs play the system, and whilst I can think of some improvements that would make it better for both parties, they're probably not very easy to enforce.

To me, if you make the choice to have a child, do it in the knowledge that you can raise that child without anyone elses help, because it can and does happen.

His sons housing costs are his problem actually!

Because he is, you know... the father!

I said you should sleep on the couch and he should have the bedroom.

If DP and I split, I am more than happy to pay for my own mortgage and bills in order for him to be able to pay the same so that we both have a comfortable home for our son.

We clearly have very differing views on this, so there's no point us discussing it any further. My only advice would be, if it's such an issue for you, raise it with your ex and see if he'll contribute more as you mention in your OP that you haven't complained to him about it. He may be willing to help you out more.

@holidayhelpppp I chose to have a bedroom for my son?!

Yes choosing to have a bedroom for my son was entirely my choice.

I should pay full costs for that. Sorry silly little female me.