Maintenance, how much is enough?

[Longlongsummer]

I was wondering about maintenance payments. My ex has paid £180 a month for years. I get that it’s based on income, however he’s self employed so doesn’t declare half of it!

I used to have a good job however I decided to take a part time one to be around more for our son. I’m the main carer. So I don’t earn very much at all.

I think that this is very low. As effectively I am still covering over half of my child’s costs, in mortgage, clothes, food etc. My son in total does not cost only £360 a month I can tell you! I’ve added it up to budget better.

I’m sure that there are parents out there coping with less, less money and less maintenance. Why are we? Why aren’t we shouting that it’s not right?

I also pay for all the extra activities that my son does, music lessons, child care when younger, extra tuition. He has some mild learning difficulties and I’ve paid for extra help. I’ve paid for every single penny of everything without receiving any extra and I’m feeling a little sick of being both the main breadwinner and main carer.

I’ve talked with other lone parents, and this seems to be the norm. Mothers paid an amount based on CSA which is based not on what the child needs, but what the Dad earns and is the absolute minimum. And yet every father seems to take that as being ‘doing their fair share’.

And I’ve never complained to Ex. And yet I think, what are we doing as women, by just letting this happen? Why aren’t men paying half of the costs for their kids? Is this really common?

We use tax free childcare. Neither of us earn min wage....

Nowadays you can get help.... just because you personally didnt doesnt mean it doesnt exist

You clearly earn a lot more than him considering he lives mortgage free and you can afford to work PT so im not even sure what youve got to whinge about?

He resents paying the money - but presumably he pays it?

Whats the problem?

He dodged it initially. This is what makes me sick. Men who are so feckless they do NOT acknowledge that their children cost money. They walk away and moan about mums who go above and beyond to keep everything going for their kids. Oh yes, and that sounds sexist, but in 95 per cent of cases that’s how it works out.

My older child is at uni. His dad pays nothing towards that (and it’s expensive). Oh no, he’s not obliged, but he has a free house and money to spend on booze and hookers. Great system.

Although my hours are “part-time” they are more than the average person’s working week. And the first thing I did when we separated was negotiate to increase my hours and income - still not full time but close to it.

Maybe you need to rally againt the CMS then?

Your child at uni is an adult. I dont think rules about supporting adults will ever change to be honest.

He has a "free house" haha.

You wouldn't be saying that if a woman got a house in a divorce settlement. Youd be saying it was a product of the marriage and nothing less than she deserved.

Funny.

Even with all the money you clearly have youre still so bitter about not getting more from your ex in the past.

No, I subsidised this horrible man for years and this is how he has treated us. That makes me furious. I’m a net loser. I don’t actually agree with women giving up work to raise kids. I do think the fact that uni costs are not taken into account is very wrong. The rules are wrong and this man exploited them.

Oh and the free house is usually to house the children. He has no contact with them at all.

Ok... i dont agree about uni. Its not a right and you go when youre an adult. No parent should be obliged to support you through it.

Im sorry your ex is a twat but you need to realise not all men are...

The house isnt always for the children its sometimes just a division of assets. Presumably you knew this could happen when you married him?

Your situation is likely quite a rare one btw. I can entirely see why youre angry and i think i would be too but id try for your own sake to not be so angry because the only person youre hurting here is you.

I dont agree with what your ex has done at all. Non payment of maintenance isnt acceptable, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that now.

Unless like i say you rally against the cms and try and change it for other women. I agree it needs to change however like iv said i think its entirely unlikely.

I think my situation is less and less rare because most women work and there are fewer SAHPs. The law is completely old-fashioned and assumes the woman will be earning less and staying home. Still, the “broad brush” won’t look at the details!

Im not sure i understand what you mean?

“Broad brush” of the family courts in divorce. I agree he should have received some assets but not half because he never earned half - he earned maybe 30%. Still the law doesn’t see it that way. The law also doesn’t consider the fact that I am the one housing the kids - both over and under 18 - 100% of the time in the family house I have now paid for twice!

Never mind all that or the fact that he has even stolen some of my pension. All he is expected to do is to pay a small sum of maintenance each week for the younger child which will recoup approx 5% of the settlement. He begrudges that an has said the most atrocious things about my daughter. This is why I am angry.

I am happy that I am now free of him. Did I realise it would be like this when I married? No, I did not. I didn’t expect him to turn into the vile man he has become and I hoped he would work hard and prosper in his job and we would be equals. But I was young then and now I see the truth. Marriage is a BAD DEAL.

A lot of women wouldnt earn half either. Would you agree with them walking away with less because they didnt earn it?

I dont think you should be recouping the money through maintenance. Maintenance is for your children not him "paying you back".

I think the fact you have the children should be considered though i agree.

I didnt mean "its your fault for marrying a twat" i just meant you must have known assetss become joint when you marry.

Marriage is a bad deal for the higher earner hence why a lot of men dont want to do it.

A lot of men pay for two family homes plus maintenance etc etc. Youre essentially being treated the same as them because youre the higher earner. You havent been treated any differently than a man would. And yet men complain about losing their money and get berated but as a woman complaining its seemingly ok?

The difference is that in 95% of those cases the money - house or whatever - is going to provide for the kids who stay with the mum. Sometimes parents can split care 50:50 in which case there is no maintenance. I don’t think women should give up work and stay home as housewives, it’s why we have a gender pay gap. But some do and the law is designed for them.

When I say recouping costs via maintenance, you do realise I’m spending a lot more than that each week providing for my kids? More than double. If I get a little back then that’s helpful.

BTW I am not one of the mega-rich. Our earning split was maybe 70:30.
But I do 100% of the housing, feeding, clothing of kids. He only has himself to support.

Because I had the higher income I felt “we” couldn’t afford for me to give it up through all the many years when juggling work and childcare wasn’t easy. And I did most of the “wife work”. More fool me.

DH has been both the NRP for 10 years and is now the RP so I have a view from both sides.

• lots of family units struggle to pay all the bills when in one house. Split up and you are then having to fund 2 properties out of the same pot of money. That is the problem.

The NRP needs living accommodation which is suitable for the DC to stay at. If the dad for example.was to live in a house share with strangers chances are the children won't be allowed to stay over. Any over night access with the NRP warrants suitable properties for both parents and therefore both parents then have the additional cost of this.

Both parents will need to pay the bills for that house irrespective of whether or not the child is there. In our it situation we still had to pay the mortgage, council Tax, and heating despite the the fact dss room was empty 10 nights outs of 14. His mum is now in that situation.

The actual cost of the children comes from feeding them and buying them clothes and activities. How much does that actually cost? I'm not sure. DSS is 15 and seems to eat us out of house and home but little children don't cost that much to feed. I wouldn't say our costs have increased that much since he lives with us but we now receive instead of pay maintenance.

Also bare in mind the NRP can't claim any benefits and these all go the RP.

When dh was the NRP we would obviously still pay for stuff for DSS on our Weekends and buy him clothes. Now the roles are reversed his mum refuses and says to DSS your dad can pay for that etc.

I don't know what the answer is but I think including housing costs when the child/children stay with both parents isn't fair as both parents need somewhere suitable to live.

I’m spending a lot more than that each week providing for my kids? More than double

That is your choice.

Like i say i dont spend that much on ds we dont have that type of life so to me £170 a month towards his costs would be loads.

@catspyjamas123 same here! Honesty they really are selfish neglectful people our exes.
n my case the “poor NRP” got a settlement from me that means he can live mortgage free and have money left over. He still resents paying the tiny CMS sum for his DD.

The NRP needs living accommodation which is suitable for the DC to stay at. If the dad for example.was to live in a house share with strangers chances are the children won't be allowed to stay over. I think that you are being incredibly naive about a lot of NRP.

Many NRP do not ever provide a bedroom for their kids. My ex has never provided a bedroom for our son. Despite me (voluntarily) giving him the means to live mortgage free after our split. He usually lives with other people and it has never been suitable for our son to stay. Although it would have caused so much grief if I’d raised this. And most of the time he took our son to his mums house when he had him, and let her take over the care.

He could do that because he was the NRP. Because he wouldn’t have social services knocking on his door, and because another parent, me, was looking after him properly. He was entirely depending on me to provide a roof over his child’s head, proper care, food and nurturing. Yet he was not prepared to pay for it.

Many NRP do not see themselves as parents in any real sense, housing, rules, structure, guidance.

@longlongsummer you are right! My ex also has the means to buy a family house but has chosen somewhere they could never stay, even in an emergency if I was ill for example.

I'm with you op. NRPs should pay at least half the childcare (or do have the childcare) so the RP can work.

Shocking that these men don't support their kids.

long quite a lot of nrps do have overnight contact.

Just because your ex husband is a twat doesnt mean all men are you know

You keep going on about your ex paying your son's share of your mortgage. But you are the one who will benefit from this long term. The value of your house will increase, so if your ex is pay g a third of the mortgage, will you be prepared to return back a third of the equity once your DS leaves home? Because that's what you're expecting.

A friend of mine got a shock recently. When she got divorced many years ago, her ex continued to pay the mortgage until her youngest was 18. She was not able to get a mortgage in her name only. She and her ex then had to sell the house and she ended up with 50% of the equity with which to buy another house. She had to downsize massively.
In your case, you will get to keep your house for ever.
As another pp pointed out, he pays you 180, you get child benefit of 80 and if you add your 180 on that's 440 a month. No way on this earth does it cost 440 to feed and clothe your child. After school clubs, music lessons etc are all extras that are not necessary.

Honestly do you really think it’s fine not to pay for your child’s accommodation?

Should I go into rented?
Should I make my son do 50/50 with a father who doesn’t want to, rather than call him out for not paying?
Should I keep my mouth shut and suck it up because not every man is like that (and I never said they were)?

Some really, very encouraging and useful posts on here about others experiences.

Many giving excuse for my and others ex and telling me ways I can just suck it up. Not helpful in the remotest but it does show me how many NRP are propped up by society.