Maintenance, how much is enough?

[Longlongsummer]

I was wondering about maintenance payments. My ex has paid £180 a month for years. I get that it’s based on income, however he’s self employed so doesn’t declare half of it!

I used to have a good job however I decided to take a part time one to be around more for our son. I’m the main carer. So I don’t earn very much at all.

I think that this is very low. As effectively I am still covering over half of my child’s costs, in mortgage, clothes, food etc. My son in total does not cost only £360 a month I can tell you! I’ve added it up to budget better.

I’m sure that there are parents out there coping with less, less money and less maintenance. Why are we? Why aren’t we shouting that it’s not right?

I also pay for all the extra activities that my son does, music lessons, child care when younger, extra tuition. He has some mild learning difficulties and I’ve paid for extra help. I’ve paid for every single penny of everything without receiving any extra and I’m feeling a little sick of being both the main breadwinner and main carer.

I’ve talked with other lone parents, and this seems to be the norm. Mothers paid an amount based on CSA which is based not on what the child needs, but what the Dad earns and is the absolute minimum. And yet every father seems to take that as being ‘doing their fair share’.

And I’ve never complained to Ex. And yet I think, what are we doing as women, by just letting this happen? Why aren’t men paying half of the costs for their kids? Is this really common?

@DuchessMinnie great suggestions. Ex has never attended a school play, school event or parents evening. He has totally disengaged from the parenting, although lays it on quite thick that his son is the best thing about his life.

@holidayhelpppp God my ex would love it if the amount depended on my income. I earn more than him so he would pay even less than he does now. That would be fair then...

I think the RP's income is irrelevant. You really begrudge the maintenance paid to your DP's ex don't you?

You really begrudge the maintenance paid to your DP's ex don't you?

Nope. Not at all.

I earn more than him so he would pay even less than he does now. That would be fair then...

I think it should be taken into account, yes.

Do you think my example above would be fair?

And dps ex earns not a lot so me saying it should be based on both incomes wouldn't benefit me in any way at all.

But ofc i must begrudge her money 😂😂😂

I don’t think it’s so hard to work out a fair amount. That’s a red herring I think. For me it would be half the costs for each child for:
Housing, heating plus bills, food, clothing, personal care like haircuts, travel, school expenses, holidays, social costs (like parties when younger), phone, room furnishings, health costs, activities. Maybe I’ve forgotten something. A minimum amount, then more added on if NRP earns more.

Paid on a to main carer, unless both parents have substantial shared care.

@Gran22 you sound great! Wish you’d talk to my Ex.

But nrps have to furnish rooms for children in their own house too, and use gas and electric and what not there. Would that be taken into account?

How would you prove what you spend extra on each child?

What if you have expensive taste in room furnishings anf your ex doesnt?

Far too many variables. Far too much ambiguity over what a child actually costs you vs what you say they cost.

Your holidays arent for your ex to pay for. Theyre for you to pay for.

@holidayhelpppp I think your example is pretty irrelevant as you refer to someone super rich with an NRP on minimum wage. In reality the super rich are a very small percentage of the population. And high earners are not often rich as the outgoings are high too.

I hear what you're saying, really I do get your point but you are very defensive about NRPs who may occasionally get screwed over but it's rare, while we are talking about RPs who frequently end up with the rough end of the deal.

The point is that the NRP could be screwed financially by a greedy, money grabbing ex who earns plenty themselves, but they can walk away from the practical side and effectively opt out of parenting. The RP does not have that option and takes on the bulk of parenting as well as losing out on a better career and pension.

Not only that but the house argument (again) ie thats your problem not anyone elses and you might have chosen a v expensive house when you didn't need to.

You might be on british gas on the most expensive tarrif and leaving your heating on 24/7 so the nrp would be paying more and could argue that its not a true representation of what the child costs.

Same for clothes. You might buy everything full price from expensive shops and the nrp might be happy with george at asda - why is that your decision but then theyre expected to pay half?

Activities again you might pay £500 a month for stage school and the nrp might not agree with or want to pay half of that.

What your suggesting wouldnt work on a cms type basis.

Oh and holidays... actually jetting off on holiday should be the expense of the person going on holiday. But the cover of school holidays- that should be shared. With 13 weeks of school holiday and a further week of inset days, 5 weeks of annual leave just doesn't cover it. No wonder RPs are often forced to take lower paid jobs with term time hours.

but they can walk away from the practical side and effectively opt out of parenting

So can the rp, if they really want to.

Are you saying money should be used as punishment for walking away then essentially?

Or do you think you should get paid in effect a small wage for looking afterr your own child?

I dont actually think i know what youre saying other than nrps should pay £££££ regardless or how fair it may or may not be.

@holidayhelpppp if I walked away my children would be in care. I would never do that to them. You don't understand because you refuse to listen. You have come on this thread with your own agenda and you have goaded and been deliberately obtuse at every reply. Let's agree to disagree and I sincerely hope you never find yourself in the same position as I am in.

Its not me being deliberately obtuse or goading.

What agenda is it that you think i have?

Ive agreed with you that the system needs to change but because i think both incomes need to be taken into account (as well as lots of other things) you accuse me of having an agenda... funny that.

Well if i do find myself in your position, at least ill be prepared!

If care is actually 50:50 then there is no child support to pay. But that should me equal contributions to all the expenses - from haircuts and shoes to school trips. I don’t think it happens often. I earn more than my ex but he only has to support himself whereas I actually support two kids. One is at uni so ex doesn’t have to pay bit he still costs me a lot!

I could never ever walk away from my kids. NRPs seem to do it easily. Yes, they should pay because the child is half their responsibility. Of course the reality is many don’t and many more resent every penny. Do they think kids cost nothing?

I think you mean some nrps.

I don’t think that the argument that ‘there are far too many variables’ = NRP does not have to pay.

So because someone might argue that their kid should eat from Lidl and not Tesco and therefore not pay their food? Again, makes no sense.

What agenda is it that you think i have? one that takes up the whole thread!

Can I just reiterate. As I started the thread. That I was asking specifically about RP who have majority care.

Which means we provide food, lodging everything. The NRP does not have to or just for very small amounts of time.

I don’t think that the argument that ‘there are far too many variables’ = NRP does not have to pay

Thats not what i said.

What i mean (as you well know lets be honest youre not thick) is that why does the rp essentially get to "bill" the nrp for half of things, that the nrp gets no say in?

Its not fair and rightly, would never happen.

I dont think you as one parent should be able to dictate what the other parent pays based on your choices and no input from them.

I know thats what you meant. My point still stands.

We need to raise our boys to grow up and learn how to better take care of their offspring. Maite sure the next generation doesn't think this is normal or right.

My ex has told me he doesn't want to fund my lifestyle Eh? Lifestyle, you mean taking care of your kids 24/7 #wanker

I’m a single parent and I get no maintenance. My ex earns around 50k or so but he is in debt and lives in an expensive area so there is nothing left by the time he has provided for himself. It’s not fair that I have to support the dcs on my own, but he can’t afford it so that’s life.

Op if your ex has been assessed at £180 per month, it doesn’t sound like he has a high income. Do you think he genuinely can afford more? It is a legitimate point that paying part of your mortgage long term will benefit you.

I do think that nrp (mainly men) should be shouldering a fair burden and they’re blatantly not. I would sacrifice anything for my dds but I suppose my ex doesn’t feel the same way.

The bottom line is CMS is not an adequate percentage of income. It might be for high earners but it isn’t a fair reflection for the rest of us.

Do you really think lots of lone parents are whooping it up at Waitrose. First thing I did was stop shopping at Tesco and start going to Aldi. People who haven’t got so much money tend to shop carefully.

I dont necessarily think it should be strictly % based at all.

The thing is you have to remember that in most cases the nrp also has a house to run and bills to pay, so if youre talking say 40% of their wage? A high % of them wouldn't then be able to afford to house themselves as well. And obv the ones who do overnights need an adequate place for the kids to stay.

What % would you suggest is fair?

Also dont forget a % of 0 is still 0.