Separateddads.co.uk - OMG!!!!

[NooNooMummy]

Incitement to hatred if ever I saw it!!!

Now I know where all the hatred, bile and illogical behaviour comes from! (Take a look at their chat forum...)

Or is it just me that thinks it's full of misogynistic hatred for single mothers?

"I don't believe that. Maybe you should trust him a little more than that. Some time ago you trusted him enough to be the father for your children."

I didn't choose to get pregnant, I was 18, my ex was only supposed to be a fling, but the pill failed, so we decided to try to make a proper go of it. He's always been slack on forgetting things like remembering to give ds breakfast. We had tons of arguments about it when we lived together, and things didn't improve when we split. I had to buy ds a toothbrush for his place, he hadn't even thought about it. Don't think it's ever even been used. He's never cut his nails etc. No idea what shoe size he is, would have to check the label. We had years of fights over it, me asking over and over does he think my having a vagina makes me better equipped to fill out forms and shit. It's easier now just to accept full responsibilty for ds myself, and to not rely on my ex, because he's not always reliable. He comes to my house to see him now, which is easier all round. Tbf he will take him to appointments etc, if I ask, but I have to set it up and remind him of times etc. It's like he has very little initiative..?

So because of a past mistake the kids should be neglected. Ffs

The atAte if my children when they are with exh is a constant source of worry and embarrassment to me. They were returned to me twice recently so dirt they smell and with hair so greasy it was stick to their scalp. One occasion was Xmas day.

Dd2 comes back with effectively nappy task from not being washed and checked and she is 6!!!

@nevernotstruggling.

Just read your lovely reply to my post. Clearly you are one of the woman I'm talking about.

Just for the record, I am a woman who is remarried with dd from previous relationship. My ex is not exactly what I'd call the model parent either.

I still stand by my original post.

When a man wants to be RP we say he doesn't want to pay maintenance. But if a woman wants to be RP no one says she doesn't want to pay maintenance. Men are always expected to pay maintenance. Most women don't have any problem with this.

I find a lot more woman than not completely conflate their own wants and needs with their children's.

What's your evidence of this? Example?

I recently read a post whereby people were claiming that once a week access for a 3 month old, at the mothers house was reasonable. I find the the behaviour of woman (obviously not all), concerning children to be quite outrageous these days.

Based on a thread you don't know is even real.

And as for the maintenence issue, I think that probably boils down to the majority of woman referring to money (intended to improve a child's life) as 'my money'.

I refer you to my point earlier that exh is supposed to pay 16% net income towards the dds. Pays about half that so I guess 8% of his income. Whereas I spend at least 80% of my income on them. As a minimum. Probably more. So 75% more than exh spends in cash terms.

Again - majority??? Based on???

I also think that a mother should only be intitled to child maintenece if the father refuses to have 50/50 residency or is a danger to the child.

Gosh how child centred...

I am a DV survivor. My youngest DD's father grew increasingly violent towards me and I threw him out (of my flat, I bought it myself before we met). This didn't stop the abuse, mostly through using DD as a weapon. Long story short, after having my home trashed, being punched and strangled, I reported him. He was convicted and given probation and community service. This kept him away from me for a year.

Once his probation was up he started up again. This time it was relentless demands with regards DD. He had strict rules about what I was allowed to do with her, where she was allowed to go (bear in mind she was 5 at the time). I ignored him and did what was best for her. Eventually he snapped and again I had to report him. Again he was convicted and again he was put on probation, this time for 18 months.

Both my DD's and I left the country a few months later, moved 600 miles to get away. Once his probation was up he followed us. By now I'm very happy with someone new, my kids are happy, settled in schools, oldest DD is loving her new life, younger DD is still struggling with all that had gone on (she was witness to a lot of the violence). He turns up at my new partners house and starts making yet more demands.

DD is not allowed a passport. (Mine had already gone missing from my flat from the last time he'd broken in).
DD is not allowed to go abroad.
When I sell my flat, all money must be put into DD's bank account. If I don't he will sue me.
And it went on and on and on.

Finally he showed his true colours and yet again the police had to be called. This time I took out a non mol order which also named the DD's.

He broke it, he got his dad to ring me all the time. It took me calling the police where they live to get them to go and tell them to stop.

He denied being DD's dad when I put in a claim via cms. He has done everything possible to avoid paying anything. He has ignored all the girls birthdays over the years, they have had nothing from him for Xmas.

It will be a fucking cold day in hell before I would hand over my youngest DD to him. She's 13 now. Everything she is, everything she has become is because of me and her stepdad. Her own bio father has done nothing to warrant being called Dad.

Thankfully she was born just before the automatic PR became law in Scotland so he has no rights.

If you asked his version he'd tell you a very different story. His criminal record tells the truth though.

‘My ex won’t let me see my DD she’s so bitter and I’ve tried everything so nah I ain’t paying no child support’

1 - the day I left his abusive alcoholic lying ass was one of the greatest days of my life

2 - between a few weeks old to now, I have heard absolutely fuck all from you

3 - I started mediation when DD was 4 months old and he never even turned up. Told them on the phone he didn’t want to be a dad, nobody can make him, so fuck off. And I was controlling for asking him to seek help with his alcohol addiction.

The amount of people who believe his crap trap is ridiculous.

Especially considering that me and my other ex co parent extremely well. We go out for our DSs birthday together, parents evening/sports days/school plays/extra curriculars, all together, all halves financially. He books Half his work holidays around my work and DSs school holidays. Pays half for holiday clubs when neither of us or grandparents can have him. Also, this ex left me for a much younger woman. So if I was going to be using my kid as a weapon, surely it would be that one ?

I've yet to meet a father genuinely prevented from seeing his children by a bitter ex. They squawk it plenty but it's their own doing.

My DH spent a decade doing exactly that. He was prevented from seeing his children for months at a time by allegations of

Alcoholism (3 months of liver function tests)
Cocaine addiction (hair strand test)
Kidnapping ! (Very brief police investigation)
Historical abuse (last straw, judge awarded residence to us)

Each allegation given as a reason to break contact order and 3-4 month delay before hearings/fact finding/more hearings. No allegation ever substantiated.

She wouldn't except he left HER not the children.

Of course it should start at 50/50 and be negotiated from there in the children's interest.

When we were going through it, we were on numerous forums for advice and were shocked how common it was.
Very sad - the only losers are the children.

" Gosh how child centred... "

Why should anyone pay maintenance if you have 50/50 residency?

@Kennyy wasn't in response to maintenance. It reads in response to 50/50 being a starting point.

I was subject to 50/50 contact between the age of 7 and 11. But I guess it was child centred because I got a break from my fathers lunacy and drinking for 50% of the time...

Also plenty of evidence that rp mothers seeing maintenance as 'their money' is bullshit

One could argue that splitting up with the other parent is not child centred (not always, dv and so on).

You spend 80% of income on children? So I suppose if you didnt have children you would have 80% extra income to just spend on whatever you like and live on the streets because you no longer have to spend any money on housing,bills,food?

Reality is, both parents need to provide themselves with a home, food and bills. So the statement you spend 80% of your income on children, I'm sure is not an accurate representation. I'm sure however, you do spend more on your children than your ex but that is because you have them more. This is the reality of having children and splitting, unless shared care is agreed.

When my ex and I split , I received a lot of help finacially in the form of tax credits etc (my ex did not) .Things may have been tight but hey, thats the majority of people whether they have children or not.

As previously stated, unless shared care is refused or they are a danger to children, then I believe that each parent is responsible for providing for their children themselves.

@mycats so sorry that sounds awful. That’s a nightmare. I feel you weren’t protected enough to enable you to protect your daughter. I think we as a society let you down.

@patchwork that sounds horrendous too. However I do imagine your DH didn’t go on a forum and talk about ways to not pay maintenance? He would have been on forums to get practical help?

My Ex has spent most of our child’s life bleating on about not seeing his son enough. We live in different cities, and I did all the travelling. All the facilitating. Yet he just gave me grief, abuse and put me down constantly. Missed maintenance with no warning. Would change times at the last minute. Very disruptive. Before we split I had trouble getting him to care for our child even for an hour. Suddenly he wants him all the time. But not to parent. Just to feel good himself. So in the end I stopped, and he now only bothers to see his child every 3 months. But probably still blames me.

I did all the parenting. I couldn’t even go to my Ex to talk about stuff I was worried about as a parent. I tried and he would just use it in his bitter anger. I think all us RPs are crying out for a decent co parent to help us, to talk things through, to tell us we are doing a good job, to help us out emotionally, financially. Anything.

I say 50/50 care losely.

@user I think your arguments are all in defense of low or no maintenance. There is no sense of your responsibility in caring for the children, emotionally or financially. One of the main reasons I actually left my marriage is that my husband was being so selfish that it was interfering with my ability to parent my child well. I’ve never regretted it.

@Bananasinpyjamas11

I actually left my marriage is that my husband was being so selfish that it was interfering with my ability to parent my child well. I’ve never regretted it.

Yes and I x

I'm sure however, you do spend more on your children than your ex

Ha ha ha ha ha

Yes it's just extra gas and that

I find this concept if 50/50 contact care dead interesting It doesn't seem to have much of a definition Earlier today I worked out that presently the contact/care of
2 3%/97.7% per week, or 4hrs to 164hrs per week for my dds. Honestly my X isn't in a position to be able to do more than that and certainly can't increase it to an overnight stay.

The 50/50 thing seems very impracticable to me, unless the parents live very close to one another, are completely onboard with identical parenting styles and can maintain consistent routine for the dcs and have independent financial resources. Then it is going to be quite bad from a child developmental perspective for the dcs.

In a 50/50 situation surely it only seems reasonable and fair for the wealthiest parent to subsidize the parent with less money so that the dcs can live with an equal quality of life.

Alternatively, the wealthier could give a portion of their income away as to have the same disposable income as the lower income parent, that seems equally fair to me.

The cost of bringing up children in the UK is extortionate. If the point of 50/50 is to share equally the care and upbringing of the children with all that entails, then it should also cover the expense as well. with the wealthier parent making up the poorer parent's shortfall.

@disney absolutely agree. This is the kind of responsibile, measured mature and loving attitude that I wish we had more of in this world. We’d have a lot more resilient, balanced children after divorce that way. My DP and I were RP with the same ratio for his child, mother had her 4 hours a week and no overnights and we paid maintenance.

@nevernotstruggling we can both relate then! My DS totally calmed down and relaxed after his Dad left. So did I.

@disneyspendingmoney furthermore either both parents work part time or the kid is in childcare every day!!
Working only part time isn't very cost effective since only one will get any tax credits etc.

That said I do have friends who share a nursery age child 50/50 and both work full time. They do live close together and are very amicable. They also have family support with childcare iirc. Neither claim
Tax credits though either of them could. Neither pay any maintenance. Also iirc there is a 2 week cycle of contact because it's easier to split 14 days than 7. It's entirely possible

Unfortunately, I don't think we hear enough about the seperated parents who have learnt to make it work. Actually more to the point the men if seperated dad's don't make the effort to seek out how to be amicable and to set differences aside. With that in mind, there are also angry single mothers too who have issues because if how the seperation occured and the run up to it.

I would be open to mediation or family counselling to put a better model in place for the dds. But my X would have to stop the toxic parenting and the parental alienation bit first and stop being self centered and using the dds as a go between before offering an olive branch of mediation to make things better for the dds.

Unfortunately, because of our dislike of one another, the outcome us a poor situation for the dds.

I particularly like the advice to the recently separated dad to 'get kittens' so the kids want to come over. Solid advice.

Some men want 50/50 because you can't be a real parent if you see your child every other weekend. You're just a visitor. It's not about maintenance. I don't want to see some other guy raising my child.

Of course 50/50 is not always best for the child. EOW is not always best for the child either.