Separateddads.co.uk - OMG!!!!

[NooNooMummy]

Incitement to hatred if ever I saw it!!!

Now I know where all the hatred, bile and illogical behaviour comes from! (Take a look at their chat forum...)

Or is it just me that thinks it's full of misogynistic hatred for single mothers?

Bananasinpyjamas11

It’s not about who gets the time, it’s how best the child can continue to live their life, with continuity and security, their health, wellbeing, and feel secure in good relationships with their peers, with school, with wider family

That is an excellent way to put it, it's the understanding of what is the well-being aspect of best interests. Unfortunately, I've had to deal with a smidge if parental alienation myself this evening, which explains why dd1 has been so moody with me over the last day.

I’m sorry @disney that your dd has been moody. It’s high conflict which is probably the worst for everyone especially the kids. I nearly lost the trust of my son, when for his wellbeing and safety it’s vital I have this. I am the only parent who actually is there and gives a crap. Luckily but painfully for my son he is gradually seeing things, he loves his Dad but is disappointed by him, without me telling him. I’ve been careful not to put down his Dad. It does come out eventually.

Bananasinpyjamas11 I could see yesterday when she came home from midweek cobtact, that something was up It takes about 24hrs from her to process and the tell ask me about it. I just wish X could find other things to talk about other than me. I'm not that interesting,

@disney it’s just horrible isn’t it when they come back, with a quiet look and you just know there’s some unspoken barrier. Your ex is not being fair by putting this on a child.

" Here is an Oxford briefing in the summary of the evidence around shared parenting arrangements... "

So you're just going to ignore the news article I posted? Ok.

Oswin: " 50/50 starting point? Why is it so many men want to parent equally after divorce? "

I guess they feel that EOW is not enough?

"She won't let me see my kids!!' Is actually 'she won't let me see my kids at a moments notice/because I'm aggressive/because they are scared of me/because I don't turn up/because I turn up drunk/because I don't supervsise them properly/because I can't in any way put myself out/because they come home exhausted and filthy/because I send them to school looking so neglected their mother is embarrassed (me)/because I have a drug problem....and so on".

^This. I do know that some women can be unfair with contact arrangements, but I'd say in the vast majority of cases (in my experience), there are genuine good reasons when a parent withholds contact.

"I hate when RPs complain how hard it is to be RP but would never let their ex be RP."

My ex sees ds regularly, they love each other. I suppose I could get ex to agree to be full time rp, and do a runner and fuck of to another country or whatever. But ds wouldn't have his hands or face washed in the morning, nails cleaned or teeth brushed. He wouldn't get breakfast, wouldn't get notes and cash returned to school on time. Nothing for break. 5 minutes spent on homework, that either his dad would do for him to save time and hassle, or that wouldn't be checked if he did it himself. Reading book or spellings wouldn't be done. He'd get dinner but probably not every night. Would sit glued to his ps4 or the telly from hometime until his dad remembered to put him to bed, way too late for a school night. His shoes and clothes wouldn't fit right, any illness would be "an exaggeration" and he'd never go to the gp, dentist or have his prescription checked. Ex would spend the bare minimum of any benefits on ds. And there's a good chance he'd leave him home alone to go out drinking. Plus his moods from being chronically hungover/basically being a functioning alcoholic. Honestly I think in the end his mum would end up reporting him/ fighting him for custody herself.

But no you're right, how off awful of me to complain about having to do all of the practical/boring stuff alone, when my ex would be perfectly happy to

When we split I gave him a list of things to be in charge off, and he did fuck all. Forgot to pay money to the school, then lied that he'd sorted it (glad I checked now or ds would have went without). Now, he comes to my house to spend time with ds, so I can supervise, after realising how little actual parenting he was doing during overnight stays (had thought without me to rely on he'd step up but nope).

I am reading lots of these posts with interest and really agree with some of the points coming across. If two parents invested time into the relationship with the children before they parted I imagine that those children post split will want to spend equal amounts of times with both parents. My STBXH invested very little time in his children. He preferred to work, carry out his hobbies, and mess around with other woman. They now see him one evening a week and every other Saturday or Sunday. This was their suggestion how often they wanted to see him. If they had said everyday I would have let them. They are really happy with this arrangement, it has made minimal impact and the least disruption to their life and as a result they are really happy, even happier than before. My STBXH wants 50/50. At the moment, they don't even want to stay with him one night-they don't mind seeing him on weekends sometimes they prefer not to but I encourage them to go. They spend more time with their dad now than they have ever done before! My view is that if he builds up a relationship ship with them they will eventually want to stay overnight. I dont think they will ever want 50/50. Any parent child relationship is just like any other one you invest time in it and it will flourish otherwise there will be no relationship and that can't just be created overnight. I am fed of of hearing this us what mum wants, dad wants etc. What about what the child wants!

I kind of gave up on this thread when people starting telling others to fuck off when they didn’t like their opinion.
I’m posting this to point out something I noticed in my own situation and many others.

Before the split we would share childminder/school runs, trips to the shops, clothes shopping etc. If I was working in that direction I would do do the school run or vice versa. We did genuinely work together.
But NO ONE said, put the children first, it’s all about the children so you shouldn’t pick them up on a Wednesday and take them to the park. No one said, it’s disruptive as children are expecting this parent not that.
No one bats an eye lid when a married couple share the responsibility.

Yet, the day my ex knew it really was over between us she snapped into this ridiculous attitude of “managing my relationship with my child” or “allowing me to be involved” “having a little contact” “it’s disruptive for child to see you during the week”

Why was it all cool one day and then the next I was disruptive to my own child.

That’s a rhetorical question, it was the ex’s needs that came first and it was dressed up as “putting the child first” and what’s worse is that people believed her. Thankfully the court did not. But she still tries it.

IT IS NOT my ex’s responsibility to manage my relationship with my own child. That is solely my responsibility.

Alexxxxx, Bananasinpyjamas11 gave a counterpoint view there is nothing at all to indicate that your article was ignored, rather the opposite as someone to time to find a response.

More over the Nuffield foundation is a globally respected research institute, renound for diligence and high quality output. The today's parent article cited research but was self referential back to itself rather than to the research implied.

The today's parent article also implied amicable breakup where 50/50 stands a good chance of working. The context of this thread is about relationships where where there is little in the way if amicable behaviour and the seperated dad site says nothing about how to create an amicable setting to progress contact further. My take from seperated dad's is that men are complaining that women aren't complying with there demands and wants and then give tips to either hack (illegal btw) or get them fucked over.

Many people here have made consessionary points and taken time to view alternative opinion's rather than being dogmatic.

A good starting point for being seperated parents and managing the responsibility of childcare is negotiation and the understanding of both parties positions, rather than making sweeping demands and having tantrums when you don't get what you want. We've seen examples from both sides here.

Parent999 you're getting a bit of a hard time here, try not to take it personally. I think it's because so many of us have ex's that were master liers and manipulators, that when another man accuses a woman of the same cliche bullshit a lot of us have unfairly faced, it's harder to believe, "she's using our kids like pawns" etc. You do start to think "yeah right", especially when time and again you see other women who were accused of the same, have their ex's eventually show their true colours.

My stepdad for example, spent years whining about not being able to see his kids enough, having to pay CM, and fighting for his kids more, purely so he'd have to pay less. Not saying his ex was a saint but he emotionally abused and bullied me for years, and I think he'd have done it to his own kids, had I not been there instead to be the proxy verbal punchbag. My mother still insists his ex was just a using cold hearted bitch . She can't see that the woman seemed to care more at that time about exposing her kids to harm from that bastard, than she did. Or how much he's brain washed her generally over the years, and how much he's broken our mother daughter bond/relationship .

Thankfully my own father, grumpy as he is, wasn't like that, and we're still close. I moved in with him when I was 15 (and stepdad threw me out of the home I grew up in). So I do know there a good guys who'll look after their kids to the best of their ability, but there are also so many blokes who're just pretending to have a genuine interest in being the rp for appearences or money.

I just about manage to tolerate SD these days, for my mums sake. I think a lot of women end up like my mum, wearing rose tinted glasses and with an irrational dislike of the ex and any money they may ask for.

"And we all know that contact and finances aren’t related."

My ex now owes me nearly £1000 in CM arrears. I would never stop ds from seeing the dad he loves over money, but it is galling having to do all the practical stuff, to not have two D to rub together, trying to manage with what I have coming in (a lot less than him), while he pisses his money up the wall on God only knows what. He's being so awkward about paying towards ds, but wants to swoop in and be the fun one/good cop when it suits him.

Sitting at home alone worrying should you buy toilet roll or bread, because you can't afford both, while your ex is out spending money on shite, can make even the best intentioned of us feel bitter and resentful.

Research shows that the best interests of children after parental separation are most strongly connected to the quality of parenting they receive, the quality of the relationship between their parents, and practical resources such as adequate housing and income – not to any particular pattern of care or amount of time (Irving & Benjamin 1995a; Lye 1999; Moyer 2004; Pryor & Rodgers 2001; Shaffer 2007; Smyth & Wolcott 2003).

I'm confident this is the case but relationship breakdowns due to dv can't achieve this!!!

There's bad behaviour from both males and females, so you can't say all NRP dads are misogynist ex-wife haters and equally you can't say that all RP mums are virtuous angels who never use the DC as weapons.

My ex-H has done bugger all and had limited involvement (all his own choice) and I've had to fight him for every penny. He is only barely interested in the DC and only sees them when it fits with his arrangements etc. I can't say I've bust my chops to facilitate him, when it has messed with my own arrangements, so maybe I'm partly to blame.

My brother's ex-P has made every accusation under the sun against my brother in an attempt to ensure he never sees his son. That said my brother never fought for shared residency - as he didn't think he could manage being a working dad and have his DS. I find it hard to understand that as a full-time working mum to two DC!

Clearly women are infinitely more vulnerable to domestic violence than men, but that doesn't mean that men aren't also abused too.

There are rarely black and white situations, it is all shades of grey with a fair bit of mud thrown in. Usually people involved in break-ups feel hurt, angry, confused, bitter, resentful and so on. If often boils over into how they will deal with the DC.

No idea what the answers should be, but I can see all sides to the story. Often everyone gets a shit deal - most of all the children.

nevernotstruggling

I'll agree with your point, often the cause of the lead up and actual breakdown is missed out by NRP's, mine was removed by the police. Who in their right mind goes about saying that's the reason they don't have the children I understand that. Even the Ils don't know, so I get a lot of snark from them.

There are many hidden factors to being an NRP those if us who have been on the receiving end of shittyness, naturally are very mistrustful.

as he didn't think he could manage being a working dad and have his DS. I find it hard to understand that as a full-time working mum to two DC!

I reckon this is down to gender pay gap and the way working women are treated.

My dh is in the building trade. It’s 90% male. Women leaving early to pick up children, time off for child sickness or school plays is seen as perfectly acceptable. A man doing the same is greeted by “can’t your wife do it?” It is still seen as unreasonable for men to be taking time off for childcare.

And off course, take time off for childcare and you go to the bottom of the promotion ladder. Which if you are nrp and know your financial contribution is important, matters.

I know my dh’s ex put him under a lot of pressure - she wanted him to do overtime (ass pp mentioned, even a second job) as the money he gave her was never enough, but then complained when he couldn’t ditch work to have the kids.

It’s back to societal expectations of gender roles.

I see where you are coming from reallyanotherone but I wasn't cut any slack to take time off for childcare and as a full-time worker I didn't want to be dropping to the bottom of the promotion ladder either.

As the RP, I didn't really have any choices though, so I just had to crack on regardless. The responsibility always fell to me, so somehow I had to make it work and that may be where the difference lies.

@reallyanotherone I don't mean to be goady but I have a lot of responsibility at work and I still manage to attend everything. Men could achieve this they just don't

" My ex sees ds regularly, they love each other. I suppose I could get ex to agree to be full time rp, and do a runner and fuck of to another country or whatever. But ds wouldn't have his hands or face washed in the morning, nails cleaned or teeth brushed. He wouldn't get breakfast, wouldn't get notes and cash returned to school on time. "

I don't believe that. Maybe you should trust him a little more than that. Some time ago you trusted him enough to be the father for your children.

@Emma57 if I trusted my exh dd1 would go to school with greasy hair every day. The fact that he was passable as a patent when she was a baby and we were together didn't shed much light on how horrendous he is as an nrp

@disneyspendingmoney thank you for your validation of the research I cited. Your views are very sound and balanced.

@nevernotstruggling I agree to exactly your point - that break ups with DV cannot achieve the best outcomes for the child in respect of good relationships between parents etc - so the next best option is protection of the main RP and their ability to parent, income and security surely? Not an Ex abuser bleating on that the child needs them and using that in the courts to carry on high conflict. I cannot imagine the pain and fear of being forced to be 50/50 with someone who beat me.

@bobtheduvet also completely agree! Great name btw