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Lone parents

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Original poster

I'm going to get slaughtered for this, I bet

232 replies

satyricon · 02/07/2007 14:01

I'm brand new on the site. I'm not even sure why I'm here, in fact. But the message boards seem so friendly and supportive, so I thought I'd try my question. Bear in mind that I'm a guy and therefore clearly quite dim.

My partner and I split up about 6 months ago. She had miscarried a month or two before and after that, everything changed. She didn't want to be around me, didn't want support or company, just wanted to be alone. Finally she told me she was moving away and she didn't love me any more. It was a terrible experience, and it's taken me a while to come to terms with it. I suspect I might never see her again. Certainly, the last time we spoke, that was how she was feeling. I've tried very hard and I do understand that what she's doing is trying to do is to rub that part of her life out... and that means me.

OK, so that doesn't make me a lone parent. Sorry if this is in the wrong place.

This question's going to sound pretty humdrum after all the stuff I've just said, but her goes. How do you get back into dating and the whole scene? It's been a long time and I'm totally clueless. And what makes it worse is that I was a real social vulture before all this. Going back to the clubs and bars I used to hang out in just seems a little meaningless and dull. Has anyone experienced anything similar? Am I just a bit of a freak?

OP posts:
Original poster
satyricon · 03/07/2007 17:48

Thanks so much for your thoughts, Klaw.

Oddly, I had a bit of a brainstorm last night and spent a fair bit of it on the phone with her mother, with whome she now lives. A great lady, and we've always got on very well. I'm fairly sure I can trust her to tell me the truth as long as she's not betraying any confidences from her daughter.

Before I go any further, I should say I'm not trying to "get back together" with her any more. But I think we should talk, because it makes no sense to share all those things - especially the major one that never happened - and then to come away from all that with nothing but the memories of the last couple of months. Of course I can remember the good times too, but it feels like everything has had a cloud cast over it.

Her mum told me that she thought I was exactly right... that she didn't want to think about me any more, because of all the baggage that came with it. I told her that I didn't think that was very healthy, and for the sake of her own wellbeing she needed to see someone and talk it through. If not with me, then someone neutral or professional who won't judge the circumstances but just help her to come to terms with it all.

Sorry. It's taken me three paragraphs to explain that she won't talk to me, she won't meet, and she doesn't want to read a letter or email. Whether I agree with this or not - objectively for her mental health as well as the bond that I think we have shared - I have to respect her wishes. I couldn't force myself upon her. It's just not in my nature to go and bang on someone's front door when I've been told, clearly and in a nice enough way, that my presence isn't wanted.

Soooo... now that I've absorbed some of that, I'm going to turn off the computer and try to make a little sense of it, with the gentle assistance of a bottle of 12 year old Scotch. I hope you all have a nice evening.

OP posts:
jeremyvile · 03/07/2007 17:56

Well, enjoy the whiskey and i personally hope that we see you on here again.

There are many who, having taken the flack that you have (from myself included) would have run away and not looked back.

MN tends to like a strong poster who can put up with a fair bit of gobshiteyness (tis a real) word) so continue to post if you^ want to.

nomdeplume · 03/07/2007 17:57

Just don't use us as free column fodder

Klaw · 03/07/2007 18:08

Thanks for your reply, perhaps have a look at the Miscarriage Association and tell your ex's mum about it too so that she can help her daughter.

Or what about Fathers Direct

Mind you, I'm perfectly sure you can google for all this yourself I don't teach my gran how to suck eggs, do I?

Have a nice Bruichladdich on me!

LoveMyGirls · 03/07/2007 18:43

I think i like you (not in THAT way, i'm happily partnered) but just before i make my final decision i would like to know your view of parent parking spaces and eating grapes before paying. TIA

SurferRosa · 03/07/2007 19:00

It isn't for me to comment really, but I was a bit surprised to hear the set up with your ex's mum...how does your ex feel about you discussing things with her?

No criticism implied but I'm interested, because I know I would resent and feel threatened by any of my ex's talking to my family, especially about me, and especially if I didn't want them in my life for however temporary a time or for whatever reason.

It would just feel like I had no one to turn to that was purely there for me, iyswim. My ex tried to contact my parents, wrote to them about me, saying he had his reasons for being a sh*t to me, but they wouldn't understand, and asking them not to tell me he'd written. (this is the ex whose baby I was having..have just had). He made a great thing about being upset and wanting me back.

I'm glad they didn't contact him. I mean it was totally different because he was a shit, and I expect things are very different if you have never done anything to hurt her. But if she needs space without your involvement and found out you had been speaking to her mum, it might upset her.

So does she really not mind? I suppose what I'm trying to say is you might be getting yourself further into her bad books, as it were, by doing that.

(btw my ex didn't turn up as arranged to see his new son...proving me right that nothing had changed...)

Hope you don't think I'm being an interfering cow but just a bit of feminine 'wisdom'...

SurferRosa · 03/07/2007 19:03

Sorry, it took me a long time with finger poised over the enter key before I decided to post that. It was probably the wrong decision and I'm sorry, I do sound like an interfering cow.

Hope you get some clarity on this soon, it must be tearing you up.

Tinkerbel5 · 03/07/2007 19:38

satyricon I think that you should move on for your own sake, dont go talking to her mum about her either or it will rile her and you wont get anywhere if you do end up meeting up with her. Seems like she has moved on and just because she hasnt spoken about it to you doesnt mean she hasnt spoken to a friend about it, it does seem like she wants to forget the past and that includes you, I think that maybe you need to go and talk to someone about your feeling, hope it works out for you.

Tinkerbel5 · 03/07/2007 19:40

I agree with surgerrosa, a couple of my ex's did it to me and went behing my back straight to my family, I found it quite scarey and stalkerish.

pixieboo · 03/07/2007 19:46

Well, I think anyone should be welcome on here, no matter what....for all we know half the posters on here could be male, or fishing for stuff to put in their articles (in fact just read one such article about MN in w/e paper this week - though written by a woman).

Maybe he has made a poor choice in selecting 'lone parent' as his posting area, seeing as most of us are female and most of us are probably not feeling that kindly towards the absent male half!!

But I say, welcome, and feel free to post where ever you like. This is hardly a members only place, being as it is read by thousands!! (Probably most of whom never post a thing).

I had a friend, who got married a couple of years ago. 8 weeks after the wedding she called the whole thing off, after having a miscarriage, and refused to speak to the (rather nice) guy ever again. She seemed oblivious as to whether it had affected him, prefering I think to consider the whole relationship doomed and sullied. She never spoke to him again, though he has remained in touch with her Mum and family (which galls her a lot). I can't offer understanding for why she did it, but it obviously does happen for some reason. Hope you are okay. Even though Men don't show it, I'm sure it hurts them badly to lose a child too.

Paddlechick666 · 03/07/2007 21:06

ahem, (coolasa)Kewcumber, whaddya mean the West London Posse don't count as a clique? Are you saying we're easy?

interesting points on PVC, talc is good but can cause issues after a hot n sweaty night in a club!

anyways, welcome satyr. i do hope you're not spinning us a line coz i have a lot of respect for your list of authors.

Original poster
satyricon · 04/07/2007 09:37

See, all this wisdom... this is what I'm here for.

OK. So I'm moving on. Anyone want a date?

Seriously, thanks for the kind words. Just FYI Surfer, I wasn't trying to sneak in through the back door (please, no jokes) by talking to her mum. I was trying to reach the lady herself, but the door was closed, so to speak.

It all seemed much simpler last night, looking at things through the bottom of the bottle. Hey, I know it's not the answer, but it makes the question seem much less important. And, for the record, I tend toward the Laphroaig.

Parent parking spaces: well, I ain't never got one, so damn them. Damn them to hell! Unless you have toddlers, of course, in which case it's acceptable.

Eating grapes before paying is not only desirable, it's actually unavoidable.

Finally, on the subject of column fodder, I no longer work in the newspaper business. Frankly, it's full of wnkers, and although I may very well be one myself, I don't have the energy or the lack of self-esteem one needs to be a 200% wnker every second of every day. So, so tiring.

OP posts:
Original poster
satyricon · 04/07/2007 09:38

Er, the date comment was a joke, by the way. A JOKE. Please don't shout at me.

OP posts:
pixieboo · 04/07/2007 09:57

I could be wrong, but is the fact that she has cut you off with no way of resolving it- no chance to talk things through- the reason you're having trouble moving on to new relationships? Is it a bit like limbo, because nothing worse than silence for helping you get closure.......? Also must have given your self-esteem a huge thrashing.

Paddlechick666 · 04/07/2007 10:02

interesting point Pixie. not the same circumstance but my estranged H refuses to communicate with me on any level most of the time, there are occasions (every 6 - 12 weeks or so) he is around and an active father and talks about a future.

leaving the mixed messages to one side, i totally identify with the silence thing and the lack of closure.

limbo is exactly how i feel mostly.....

sorry, hijack over.

Paddlechick666 · 04/07/2007 10:02

ps: i should say he is suffering from depression.

pixieboo · 04/07/2007 10:18

Oh PC, that sounds like a total nightmare! Maybe there is some link there- when people are suffering from depression, or maybe just suffering full stop- they seem unable to communicate at all, and go all hermit-like. It's not a fair way to behave to those around, but maybe they just have no choice. On the other hand, leaves the 'blanked out' one feeling totally wretched. And no where to put their feelings, anger and pain........

Kewcumber · 04/07/2007 10:20

actually Paddle - I would say you are suffering from his depression. To be technically correct.

Paddlechick666 · 04/07/2007 10:28

fair point QC.

pixie, it is wretched and unfair but there comes a point where you have to recognise how much of that treatment you are perpetuating by continuing to subscribe to their behaviour.

especially under the heading of concern for the other party.......

there has to be a point where, no matter how mean and selfish it makes you feel, you just have to walk away from them.

oooh, that was amazingly introspectively percpetive of me!

now, if i can just follow it thru!

Original poster
satyricon · 04/07/2007 10:49

On that basis then, henceforth and from this day, I shall no longer perpetuate this cycle of exclusion and passive aggression. I'm moving on, and taking the bottle with me.

OP posts:
frapachino · 04/07/2007 11:08

He is defo after a date and can't be arsed paying the friends reunited fee! Any single mumsnetters feel free to oblige him!!!

littlelapin · 04/07/2007 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 04/07/2007 11:19

I'm after a date too - is Friends reunited the place to go then? Wouldn't you just end up with everyone you've already dated and thrown back into the pond? [confused emoticon]

Dating with an 18 month old does seem a bit like hard work though, not sure I can really be arsed.

SurferRosa · 04/07/2007 12:00

I want a date. Did anyone hear that?

I WANT A DATE!!!!!

Sorry, I feel better now.

Satyr - I see, no that makes sense, you did souns like you were being very sensible until I thought you were fraternising with her mother...didn't seem right...glad it was a default conversation when you tried to ring your ex. That's acceptable

...'Bring that bottle over here'...

Please stay around if you are so inclined.

SurferRosa · 04/07/2007 12:02

By the way you aren't my ex are you? I'm starting to get the feeling I know you!

(talking about probably my best ex, not the nasty one - of course!)