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Is it normal to feel really horrible when you find out your ex is with someone else?

165 replies

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 00:22

I know it shouldn't be a big deal, but it feels awful.

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Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 02:34

My old threads were under different names. (You more than likely already know that!)

I just feel totally drained with everything right now.

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skyatnight · 24/06/2007 02:38

Chin up, kiddo, it will be ok. Night-night. xx

flightattendant · 24/06/2007 07:36

It's alright, really, let yourself and feel it as much as you can bear...it will come and go in waves, phases, days...it's being processed and every bit of feeling or thinking brings you a bit further to being alright again.

I know it must hurt like hell, I thought I would actually die when DS1's daddy left us and I found he was with someone else.

I couldn't function, just walked round in a daze because nothing else mattered to me...and we were only together 4 years.

I second what someone said about it being a good thing in a way that you are so sad about it...I left my second child's father in November and all I can think is I wish he would find somebody else, I hate him and am not sure I ever loved him...just hoped and thought we had something worthwhile.
Now I feel nothing for him, and that's really sad as we have had a child.

For all the pain, I know I loved DS1's dad, and that was worth having even if I lost him eventually.

HTH, be gentle with yourself.

claire2510 · 24/06/2007 07:45

I know how you feel and i today have to meet my ex for the first time in 4 years to introduce his son and meet his new wife. I havent eaten or slept all week and i want today over. See my threads No daddy but curious, getting scared and todays new one meeting daddy for the first time!!

The sick feeling and the dull ache i have in my stomach is awful and i feel like im a sinking brick but just remember we have the children to think of and if we dont pick ourselves up they suffer and we dont want that do we? New day today take small steps to helping yourself become stronger and give yourself time and time and a bit more time!!

Send you lots of love xx

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 08:08

Thank you both for your messages.

Sorry you are in such an awful position, Claire. I can imagine how much you must be dreading meeting up with your ex & his new wife - that must be very very hard for you.
I will be thinking of you.

I feel physically ill due to too much crying & not enough sleeping.
The boys aren't awake yet, but I have given up on trying to sleep, so have got up.

I will function as well as possible for the boys today, which I always do try to do. I don't like them to see me upset. This is all hard enough for them as it is.

I am shocked at how badly this has knocked me tbh.
It was my decision to end the marriage, but not because I fell out of love with him...it was because there was a side of him that caused me lots of pain, so really I shouldn't feel this amount of upset.
Like I said though - I think now it is all hitting me in a big way, and I need to grieve the end of our relationship, which my head wouldn't allow me to do until now.

I am sorry if I am repeating myself. I tend to be guilty of that on threads when I'm very upset as the same thoughts keep coming back to my head!

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claire2510 · 24/06/2007 08:16

It is a greaving process your going through and it is totally normal! The hardest thing though is when someone dies you dont see them anymore but the greaving ofthe end of relationship isnt that simple as there are times you see them and know they are getting on with life without you. I suggested this to soemone else and she said she would try it but the self help books are great especially the paul mackenna books and the cd's that come with them are great! Investigate them on amazon they are cheap and do work and help you see things from s different perspective. Also theres nothing wrong in seeking counselling and asking for help!!!!

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 08:24

I have only just finished counselling, I don't think the poor women wants me back just yet!!

I have had a tough couple of years & my counsellor has helped me out lots. Counselling has made me lots stronger than I was (although you probably wouldn't believe it right now!), and I will get through this. I just feel a bit shocked & horrible atm because although it's been going on a year, we have only been properly apart for 6 weeks. He is still staying with my parents atm!!

The self help books sound interesting, Did you really find they helped?

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claire2510 · 24/06/2007 08:28

Yes they did honestly!! How to mend a broken heart Christene Webber very good and as i said the Paul Mackenna books! Just have a look on amazon see what comes up. Get a few and read them!! xxxxxxxx

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 08:30

Thanks Claire, I will look them up on Amazon now.

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Idreamofdaleks · 24/06/2007 08:31

Yes this is the normal way to feel - don't get it confused with wanting him back!

It will get better, you just need to find a way to get through this bit - do something fun, spoil yourself, get out more, generally distract yourself. Do some flirting with all and sundry just for practice.

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 08:55

Thanks.

I know I don't want him back, but I can't help but feel sick to the stomach at the thought of him with someone else. It's weird, but it has really really upset me & I can't help feeling this way.

Felt low with it all last night as it was, with the problems I have been having trying to get the whole single mum bit right. I then went round my parents to see a family friend who has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and while round my parents I was told that mum is doing all ex H's washing & ironing. When I said "Bet you wouldn't do mine if I was staying with you", Dad replied "Well you wouldn't be staying with us because you're nasty!"
I know he was probably half joking, but that got to me a little.
Mum later showed me some photos of our wedding on her computer, asking if they make me cry because they make her cry, and then I came home to find his phone on the table with the message on the screen. It was one thing too much & I was in pieces.
I don't want him back, but I do feel so shockingly upset!

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BeatrootandBenedick · 24/06/2007 09:02

PC - you family really don't sound very nice.
I would try and keep some distance between you and your parents for a while - this will help you and then deal with it.

As for the pain - of course it is normal and good to feel it - it won't last long - you are strong and capable.

Earlybird · 24/06/2007 09:07

Yes, I think it's perfectly normal - especially if he's found someone else and you haven't. He may be moving on, or using this new woman to block out the pain/loneliness he feels at the split.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad though. It's painful.

snowwonder · 24/06/2007 09:10

oh it is horrid no usfull advise really i need some myself.....i am sure my ex left me for someone else. but i didnt find out about her until 3 months after we split....
and 3 weeks ago he phoned me to tell me they are getting married this augast, i have to say the pain felt as real as it did on the day we split, and i was also jelious as we never married,

I guess i did have a slight hope that we would get back togteher if i am totelly honest, but this has obviously made it clear to me that his life has moved on tenfold and mine hasnt, and probably never will as he never has dd at the weekend he only has one afternoon a week,

i do actually think i need to go to more counselling to come to terms with it, the advice from my freinds and on here was to just get on with it do i dont talk about it anymore but i dont want it to eat away at me inside, i really do want to move on,

i guess it is a normal feeling to be slightly annoyed even if you dont want him anymore

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 09:28

I do love my parents, but they have let me down a bit when I could have done with their support.
Dad even insisted on adding ex H's name to the fathers day card I gave him last week!

I have had offers from other men, but I don't feel ready to let anyone else into my life yet. I need to get myself over all this first, because 11 years is a long time, and I feel I need to find myself again!

Men are different I guess, and he obviously gets out lots more than I do.

The text message I saw read: Yes but then I wudnt hav the memory of u bein so naughty n me endin up half nakd in my car wud I?

Sounds intelligent doesn't she?!!

It makes me feel sick to the stomach. It has got to me more than it should.

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BeatrootandBenedick · 24/06/2007 09:31

PC - it sounds sordid - and possibly deliberately left for you

I am sorry but your father sounds nasty - I would really keep your distance until they are ready to behave

FioFio · 24/06/2007 09:32

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Megglevache · 24/06/2007 09:32

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Megglevache · 24/06/2007 09:35

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FioFio · 24/06/2007 09:37

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Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 09:38

LOl Fio!

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Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 09:38

No I'm not from there, I'm in that small town 9 miles from Dover!

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Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 09:42

You have made me chuckle though Fio, which I needed!

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NuttyMuffins · 24/06/2007 09:54

PC, I had this problem a week or so ago and complicated by the fact that it is a sort of friend of mine that xp wants to get invloved with.

You know what, at first I was sad and couldn't work out why because I sure as hell don't want him back. Then I realised I was actually damn angry not sad. How dare he be able to get on with his life whilst I am still struggling so much to get myself together.

Like you, it was me who wanted the split and I couldn't quite get it through my head, that he now wanted someone else, especially as he had been telling me only the week before that I was his soulmate and he'd always love me.

In the end I just reminded myself how awful a partner he had been and how awful a dad he was now being to his kids and decided that if he wanted to move on, good for him, at least it meant he was finally getting the message that he was never coming back here to us.

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 10:04

That sounds like a really positive way of looking at it, Nutty. I wish I could feel a little stronger inside right now.

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