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Is it normal to feel really horrible when you find out your ex is with someone else?

165 replies

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 00:22

I know it shouldn't be a big deal, but it feels awful.

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NuttyMuffins · 24/06/2007 10:18

You will PC, just give it a little bit of time. Such a soppy saying, but time is a great healer.

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 10:26

Here comes his car

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glitterfairy · 24/06/2007 10:27

Oh PC I am really sorry that you had to find out like this and that it has hit you so hard.

I laughed at the text because my X learned to text from his gf and frankly uses exactly the same thicko language. I should have known then.

It will feel very very strange at first an awful. It doesnt matter if the relationship is over or not and I agree with everything everyone else said abotu grieving. It is right that you should and that you feel bad about this.

My kids have never forgiven my X for never showing any remorse or feelings towards me. On the other hand they knew how awful it was for me and how much I loved their dad (despite wanting the split because of his personality or lack of it) and that makes them feel really special.

Take care of yourself and my advice would be to hold your head high and ignore it wiht X. You have both come to a reasonable amicable relationship it is best kept that way.

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 10:58

Thanks GF.

He is downstairs in my lounge with the boys. I have handed him his phone & can barely look at him. I feel physically sick.

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FioFio · 24/06/2007 10:59

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ggglimpopo · 24/06/2007 11:00

What cheered me up no end was thinking (didn't have to do this too hard!) about all his faults - from skiddy underpants to his kinky penchants - and then realising that the new girlie in his life would have the pleasure of them!

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 11:09

he's gone to the pub now, taking his phone with him!

The following text read: last nit was gr8 in my car but we shud of gone to my house we cud of dun so much more.xxxx

You might be dissappointed love!!

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FioFio · 24/06/2007 11:10

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Tinkerbel5 · 24/06/2007 11:10

PC im more disgusted at your parents attitude than what I am of your ex moving on so quickly after the split, you seem to be getting it from all directions, I wouldnt let on you know about this other girl cause it will give him satisfaction knowing he has got to you, dont give him that and come on here instead to let rip, we will comfort you

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 11:12

That was my thinking, Tinkerbel5, and why I felt the need to just come upstairs. I don't want him thinking I'm jealous.

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Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 11:12

LOl Fio!

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bookwormmum · 24/06/2007 11:17

Just be glad that you're out of it now - it feels awful at the time but I bet your happy now without him than with him.

Tinkerbel5 · 24/06/2007 11:17

It will be hard gritting your teeth, but if you have these thoughts of saying something just think back to how things were with him and how you have moved on for the better, this girl dont sound like a girlfriend but someone he has just pulled, probably wont last the week out, its just a shock for you at the moment but soon you will see how pathetic he is

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 11:29

I know I am best out of it, and to reach this point has taken me a very long time. I think that is why I am so shocked at how much this has upset me. I have no right to be upset, and I shouldn't be feeling this awful, but it's really got to me.

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suzycreamcheese · 24/06/2007 11:30

pc..i think it is normal, what you are feeling and having to go through too..

..it's going to be harder for him to adjust though, when he meets or hears of your new partner (whenever that happens)...

i think also men can do casual much easier,esp in this situation .. you are still at home with your kids surrounded by the end of the relationship and he..he is not...

and setbacks often come when we are feeling 'on top'...just know this to is part of the ending and grieving...you are getting there girl!

hth

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 11:42

I think that is it. I knew that I would have to face this very soon & tbh I knew I would be upset because it is a big thing to get your head around, even when you know you have made the right decision in ending the relationship. It is all part of the ending & grieving.

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citylover · 24/06/2007 12:06

PC think out situations are a bit similar in that you lived with your exDh until the house was sold. This wss last August and we have moved twice since then renting as can't afford to buy.I also have two slightly older DSs. 10 and 6.

I think you once said your DH was a bit fanatical about tidiness and also could be verbally nasty. Ditto

Anyway Ithought I was doing really well and found out the other week that ex H is in a reltionship. It has knocked me for six quite unexepectedly as I certainly don'at want him but I have felt shocked.

It has also bought up back many old memories and they have also been painful. As I feel he was full of old flannel. He has already got this new woman rnnning around for him - he got her to pick up DS 2'birthday present. I used to do alot of his stuff at the beginning.

I am sure as as the other posters say it is part of the grieving process and that men move on more quickly. Chin up you are doing so well and I do think I know how you feel.

Rather than being jealous I think I am jsut very bitter about how he was during our marriage and I need to come to terms with that - it has had a deep and lsting effect on me. But I just keep thinking that things must get better. I'd like a nice younger guy for some fun!!

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 12:11

Sorry to hear you are going through this, CL. It does knock you for six doesn't it?

I don't feel jealous, I don't think, just a bit sick & shocked.

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citylover · 24/06/2007 12:15

Yes that's a very accurate description. Will be interesting to see how they react when a new bf is introduced into the mix!!

Off out now to the Dungeon for DS2 birthday.

Back later! Am addicted to mumsnet

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 12:29

Have a nice time, CL.

I am addicted to MN too! Times like this it really helps to calm me down.

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Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 15:15

My sister has been round to see me & I filled her in on all this.
She wasn't overly shocked at all!

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Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 16:14

He turns up nearly 2 blo*dy hours late for the boys due to winning a card game!
He has now taken them to my mum's & I am all tearful again. Don't know what's wrong with me, I'm not normally this weepy.

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Blu · 24/06/2007 21:18

Well I'm not in the least bit surprised you are weepy. Blimey - what an onslaught. (sorry - got sucked into cooking , bathtime, bedtime etc etc)

Of course you are upset.

Not only the sordid texts, but the fact that while living the life of riley, waited on hand and foot by your mum and dad, he has complete freedom, gives you the runaround by being late, looks after the boys badly (awake at 11pm) AND your parents are downright horrible to you. It's just not fair - not any of it!

And while he is obviously having post-pub sordid fumbles (urgh) with a (no doubt, from the language) young bimbo rather than a significant relationship, it just kind of emphasises that he has been able to freely chuck himself around without a bcakward glance, which is like a slap in the face. And it is 100% possible to be reconciled that you are separated and know that it is the right thing, and yet to grieve for the relationship you DID have, grieve for a relationship of any kind that you don't currently have, and just be sad for the loss of all the good things that there were. It's just sick and nasty that instead of your Mum and dad being there for you, they are rubbing salt into the wounds and making life easy for a man who ill-treated thier daughter.

There's nothing wrong with having a really good cry. Get it all out, be mad and angry with him, with your parents. In the end, you will be the one who is happier throughout your life than any of them.

You ARE doing really well, it's no wonder you are distressed, it's all too much.

But it won't last. You don't have to cope 'well' with everything, you can be upset and go to pieces for a bit. Them gradually, you will feel better, and things will be better.

Pinkchampagne · 24/06/2007 22:57

Thanks Blu.

I don't know how I feel, I don't know if it is more upset or anger or both!

I am not feeling in anyway jealous, but I feel sickened. He is obviously going right back to his old standards of girls who are simple but easy, and strangly enough it has brought back memories of me being two timed many years ago for similar types, and just made me think "Why on earth have I wasted 11 years of my life with this man?!"

My sister thinks he is now in a state of self-destruct.

I have been crying on & off all day. I do feel overloaded with everything & my stomach has been churning round & round, but there is a lot of anger in me.

When he took the boys (eventually), I locked my front door to keep them all out, & then seemed to spend the entire time pacing in a silly emotional state.
I got nothing done at all!

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Blu · 24/06/2007 23:15

But when you shut the front door, that's the only time ever you get to be by yourself, and be yorself, isn't it? the rest of the time you are working really hard to keep things as ok as possible for the boys. that's a really exhausting thing - keeping it together for the boys. Don't beat yourself up about pacing, and getting nothing done - it's important to give in to this stuff sometimes, and acknowledge it.

I can see how you would feel v angry, and about the 11 years. And how it is extra distressing that it brings back bad memories.

Your sister could well be right, with the drinking and card playing and now sordid little affairs.

Is there any way that you can get a structure into his visits with the boys? A roata based on his shift pattern? It might be quite helpful if you can somehow get the idea of him contained into a regular slot of time and then not have to deal with him for the rest.

I wonder if he's being so careless with his phone at your Mum's house.....

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