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Original poster

Father not willing to commit to a birth plan,but wants all options available to him

242 replies

Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 02:59

Hi mum's.

I will try to keep a long story short.

I'm pregnant, due in march 2018.

It was an unplanned pregnancy and I am not with the father anymore. He wanted an abortion, I refused. Over the last few months he has said in no uncertain terms that he hates me for going ahead with this and will not be supportive towards this pregnancy. He has stayed true to that and I've not seen him and barely heard a peep. We've had a handful of conversations throughout pregnancy.. some amicable, others not so much..

So that's the background story.

The father has now said that he wants the option of being at the birth, however he will not tell me if he will or not... He says he wants to see how he feels but wants the option available to him. He was quite adamant that it was his right as the father to have this option available to him.

I have asked him to meet up but he will not even see me and I have recently found out he is back with his ex girlfriend ( which I'm ok with, she can have him! )

My question is .. does any reasonable person think they should be entitled to be at the birth when they have not been supportive for the entire pregnancy.

He won't commit either way to being there or not being there so it's a frustrating situation to be in as I do not know what to do when things start rolling with the labour. Do I text him when waters break and leave the ball in his court?

If I drop him a text after baby arrives then he will also lay into me for taking the option away from him to be at the birth. So all in all I can't win and it will be a drama and all about him on the day.

What would you all advice?

Thanks mum's xx

OP posts:
SheSellSeaShells · 29/03/2018 12:31

Best of luck - hope you have kept him away, giving birth is the most intimate, scary and emotional time. You do not need a nasty spectator there - tell him to f the f off - and don't put his name on the birth certificate or give child his name - no matter what he says or suddenly promises!!

Original poster
Mummblebee · 29/03/2018 12:34

Thank you all. Youre messages do make me smile and are helping to keep me strong!

I am playing it all by ear in regards to his family, as they want to be involved which puts me in a slightly awkward position. Woke up to a missed call from his mum..
Vultures have started circling!

No sign of anything picking up since last night.. Will go for a short walk today and hopefully speed things up!

I'm excited! Determined not to let anyone taint my joy after going through pregnancy unsupported!

Will keep you updated.

Xx

OP posts:
MoleskinMittens · 29/03/2018 12:58

Good Luck OP. For goodness sake don't let his probably just as horrible family be involved. I'd think very carefully about allowing them to visit in hospital after you've had a baby and are feeling vulnerable.
Keep us posted.

expatinscotland · 29/03/2018 13:07

Sorry, but I'd have left his family out. Wouldn't put him on the birth certificate, either. Best of luck!

Latenightreader · 29/03/2018 13:08

Good luck! Just remember that you are allowed to dictate who is with you. Don't let his family put pressure on you before you are ready. Hope you meet your baby very soon!

AcrossthePond55 · 29/03/2018 16:44

Just focus on yourself and baby, and listen to your instincts. But please don't cut his family out until they (hopefully never) give you good reason to do so.

Don't form any type of 'dependency' on his family (money, childcare, goods, etc) because you may not be able to depend on it continuing. And remember that anything you say will most likely be repeated to him.

It makes me sad, as a mother of young men. I'd feel so sad that I'd probably be shunted to the side as a 'second class grandma' because my son was an irresponsible jerk, but I also think I'd understand why it was being done.

NukaColaGirl · 29/03/2018 16:51

My ExH did the same thing - it was a planned pregnancy that he very much pushed for, but then decided he didn’t want at the 10 week mark. He was back and forth from then till 27 weeks, when I didn’t hear from him again till 37 weeks when he turned up drunk and screaming abuse at me, the police removed him.

He turned up at the birth. I have no idea who told him I was in labour. I laboured very quickly - I’d been in the room 5 minutes when I started pushing and barely registered that he was there at all. He hovered for about 2 hours after. I stayed entirely focused on my newborn, didn’t say a word to him until the midwife bought me tea, at which point he left the room, I told the MW the situation and she ensured security wouldnt let him back in - but he never came back (ended up in NICU for a week as baby had sepsis) DC is now 2 and haven’t heard a word from him.

I hate that he got to watch her enter the world, it’s a magic moment that he didn’t fucking deserve to witness, but I was too far progressed and too focused on pushing to tell him to fuck off.

boredofwaitingagain · 29/03/2018 16:51

Good luck op. Don't let him and his family bully you.

NukaColaGirl · 29/03/2018 16:54

Sorry, should add - His family were around for the first 7 weeks, then disappeared, reappeared at 7 months and were gone again by 8 months. I couldn’t have been more welcoming and encouraging to them either. I didn’t see why DC should miss out on extended family just because ExH was a twat, but ultimately they decided to prioritise ExH over DC (he is a thieving lying addict who has run rough shot all over them numerous times too).

Quietlife1979 · 29/03/2018 17:03

Hi op hope you are well.

You actually don’t owe any of them anything.

I’d actually go on an information black out when the baby was coming and let them know when your well and settled.

Honestly - having a baby will make you feel
Like an alien and the last thing you need is dick heads throwing their weight around. This phase is soooo important to your mental health and bonding with your new baby but some people just don’t care and will trample over you to hold that baby.

Look after yourself first.

ZenNudist · 29/03/2018 18:27

I loathe men who 'choose' not to be involved in supporting the person they get pregnant. Its not like women get to choose. It really is reprehensible.

Starlight2345 · 30/03/2018 10:14

Good luck op .
I agree with others , keep them out of hospital . I tried with ex to have a relationship with Mil. Her loyalty was always to her son over her grandchild. She is not a bad woman but never able to see past her love for her Ds.
Spend the time in hospital bonding with your little one not worrying about his family .
Also can I suggest whenever you register the birth don’t tell them or anyone who knows them till after it is done . If you feel pressured tell them a week later then blame it on baby brain.

AlasEarwax · 31/03/2018 19:30

Hope all is well today OP. Flowers

Original poster
Mummblebee · 31/03/2018 20:44

Thank you for all of your supportive messages everyone.

I am now 3 days overdue and getting impatient! Lol

Will keep you updated
Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummblebee · 02/04/2018 09:42

Update..
Finally some movement at 40w+5 ! I've been having contractions every 8 minutes for the last 5 hours now!
First pregnancy so have no idea what to expect.

Can anyone advise when I should head to hospital for my epidural? The midwife on triage said come when contractions are every 2-3 minutes and last a minute long for an hour... But had a quick google and that sounds like I'd be too far dilated to get an epidural??

On my own here at the flat so would much rather get to hospital in good time!

Wish me luck xxx

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 02/04/2018 09:46

Good luck OP. I had a planned c-section so no advice but wishing you a safe and happy birth Thanks

Scabetty · 02/04/2018 09:54

Good luck, keep walking around for as long as you can. I ‘d go in at 5 mins regardless of length but I fid get tutted at by ... the tea trolley lady for doing that ( she answred the door to the ward) Confused

SuperSange · 02/04/2018 10:02

Don't worry about the dilation and contractions; there's little correlation. Stay at home for as long as you feel comfortable. How are you getting to hospital? You may not need an epidural, remember.

Applesandpears23 · 02/04/2018 10:09

Exciting! Good luck. Stay home as long as you can as going to hospital often slows things down. Do you have someone with you?

BubblesAndSquarks · 02/04/2018 10:12

Being there in the labour is not about the baby, all the hours leading up to the baby being out he would have no purpose there. In labour I can't imagine anything worse than someone you're not comfortable with being in the room.
You'll be in a lot of pain, likely involuntary screaming at the end, having vaginal examinations, bleeding everywhere/possibly pooing accidentally, possibly then top off too if doing skin to skin or breastfeeding.
He can come in once the baby is born he doesn't need to be there while you go through all that.
Tbh if its a straight forward birth where you're home in

MrsWineasaurus · 02/04/2018 10:31

I had a C-Section so no advice but good luck OP xxx

Butterymuffin · 02/04/2018 10:35

Good luck OP! He has no right to be there. Wishing a safe delivery for you and your baby.

BubblesAndSquarks · 02/04/2018 10:39

Ooh sorry only just read whole thread!!! How exciting. I would head in now just to get checked, but then my labours were 3, 2 and 3 hours from first mild contraction to baby being out!
I know lots of people have longer labours, but if I really wanted an epidural I'd go in early incase things suddenly speed up.

As an aside, with my first and third I only had time for gas and air, and with my 2nd nothing as they thought I wasn't in established labour yet until she started coming out, and it honestly isn't as bad as it sounds if it doesn't go to plan, it feels like it is over so quickly I found each one felt like 20-30 minutes not a couple of hours!

BubblesAndSquarks · 02/04/2018 10:51

Also don't be pressured into handing the baby over to see him or family.
I'm with DP and even though I trust him, I wait until they're around 8 months before leaving DC with him as otherwise I'm too worried that they'll be fussing and I wont be there, and even then its not for long until they stop breastfeeding.

Don't feel you have to leave the baby alone with his family at any age either. My PIL have only ever seen the DC with us there just as there's no need for them to have them alone.

If they want a relationship alone with your DD they need to see her regularly and show that you can trust them and that she knows them well enough, and is old enough, to be happy going alone with them.

Good luck!! Flowers

PeonyTruffle · 02/04/2018 11:31

Good luck OP!
A lovely spring baby Smile

Have you got someone with you? If you have got to get yourself to the hospital, go as soon as you don’t feel comfortable on your own anymore

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