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Ex lied to me to stop me having kids

174 replies

RoseNarene · 28/05/2017 12:34

So I broke up with ex on 14th February after the other woman contacted me and shared the disgusting conversations the two of them were having. Started divorce process soon after. My girls are only just 1 and almost 5. No court orders in place yet; I've been to my single session mediation and his is in a couple of weeks. What I do know is that he wants a shared residency arrangement whereby he gets the house and has the kids 4 days a week, and I get them 3 days. Currently, and before we broke up, I work 2 days a week (when the girls are at nursery) and he is full time. His idea is that I will go back to work full time because I have better career prospects and earn more money therefore I can afford to support myself, whereas he doesn't and can't, therefore that means he should get house and kids and all the benefits and that I should pay him maintenance.

Oh and it's also important to note that we are currently alternating our time spent in our marital home 50:50. Kids are always there but not both parents at the same time.

I work Saturdays (temporarily) so he has the kids at the weekend. However, I learnt that he was working this Saturday randomly so had his parents look after the kids. No problem there. Only, I then find that the kids stayed the night at his parents, and he didn't. He stayed at the marital home. I was pissed off on two counts - firstly that I was kicked out of the house when he could've gone to his parents (that's where he stays when he's not at our house) and secondly because I was losing out on time with my kids in favour of his parents! I accept I must share with him, but not them. I asked if I could have the kids back Saturday evening as they should be with at least one of their parents and he simply said no, that Saturday night was his responsibility and he had organised it so tough shit basically.

So I begin asking can I have them back Sunday morning (I've been ill this week so haven't seen them since Tuesday) and he says no because that's HIS time with the kids (it usually is) and that they are all going out that day. I ask if I can have them in the afternoon and he says no. The only thing he will allow is me driving an hour to his parents to get the girls at 6pm, which would be awful for the 1 year old as she would want to cuddle me etc and certainly wouldn't want to be shoved in the car for an hours journey home the moment she sees her mummy for the first time in days. So ex says he will bring them home Monday morning.

However... I noticed that he has left his car in the car park of a nearby restaurant (walking distance from our house). It's still there now, and it's lunchtime. So there's no way he could be at his parents without his car.

And then my friend texted me to say that she saw my ex in town doing a bike ride with a cycle club!! I looked up the club and they ride between 9am and 1pm!! Once he finishes and gets back to the car, it'll take him an hour to get back to his parents, where he has left the kids. So he isn't even with them and won't be until at least 2pm!

So he has lied to me, telling me that he is with the kids today and that's why I can't have them, because it's his time, when in reality, my kids are with his fucking parents while he goes on a bike ride and I'm left on my own and haven't seen my kids since Tuesday!!! I'm crying right now I'm so upset, I miss them so badly and he fucking lied to me!

Please tell me I can use this against him when he tries to get 50/50 residency and acts like all he does is in the best interests of the kids when clearly it isn't, unless keeping children from their mother is considered in children's best interests these days!!!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/05/2017 21:10
Flowers

Do not rule out going to the refuge.

Perhaps stay at your Mum's and go for an emergency residency order?

kateandme · 31/05/2017 21:20

big hugs op.you know how kids get through this.love.seriously you can o through the biggest shitties things in families.and the thing sthat gets you through it all is total love total care and kindess and support.always being there.its the biggest safety blanket ever!shit times come and so do worse time and some good too.and the kids will always get by if they have someone who loves them completely and who they can just fall onto.if someone got your back an holds you tight you can feel as stronga s an ox.
keep going.just keep going.your so very brave.
and remember they might seem angry or harsh but they are scared and when we ant control or straighten our fears we react in fight or flight and lash out to protect ourselves.just keep going keep holding tight.xx

RoseNarene · 31/05/2017 22:24

I spoke to women's aid again and they said that I needn't go to the council as they will find me a place to stay if I call them at 10am tomorrow. Should be placed somewhere tomorrow too. Looks like I'm going to a refuge... im so sad for my eldest as she goes to drama school on Saturdays but won't be able to for a while.

OP posts:
UnicornSparkles1 · 31/05/2017 22:32
Flowers
kittybiscuits · 31/05/2017 23:01

You are absolutely doing what you have to do. You cannot let yourself or your children be at the mercy of this abuser. Thinking of you and sending you strength for the coming days. I don't know you but I feel proud of you Flowers

kateandme · 01/06/2017 00:28

could you do some drama at home.get her to pick her favourite movie or book and act them out together.or make a script and perform it.tell her you no she will miss it but what can we do instead.what does she want to do with the time.so put something in its place to ease the sadness of not having it.
tell them you wouldn't ever do anything to hurt or make them feel bad.that everything mummy is doing whether they see it right now is because you love them more than the world.

RoseTico · 01/06/2017 09:22

I think a refuge is for the best for now. It shouldn't change how things stand with the house, it's not like you're moving into a private rental.

Your ex sounds volatile and very spiteful. He is emotionally abusing his eldest dd as well as you. Once you're installed I think counselling for her will be necessary. I hope things go well today. Flowers

kittybiscuits · 01/06/2017 10:06

I agree about the refuge. His behaviour is awful and escalating.

RoseNarene · 01/06/2017 16:33

Well he's just found out that I'm away and not going back. I'm still at my mums at the moment.

Apparently I am a nasty, vile, vindictive bitch, and although he threatened to take he kids from me and "there would be nothing I could do about it", somehow he's going to manage to get an emergency order from the court. He didn't specify what kind; I assume residency? He thinks I'm doing this out of revenge for him lying to me over the weekend and says he has done nothing wrong, that I'm using the children as weapons and it has to stop, that my behaviour is shameful and I am a disgrace as a mother.

I remained calm, let him rant and simply said "that's fine, you've got to do what you think is best".

OP posts:
UnicornSparkles1 · 01/06/2017 18:16

Is your solicitor working on applying for your own emergency residency order?

QueenofEsgaroth · 01/06/2017 18:51

I think from now on you just have to redirect him to your solicitor and stop entering debate with him.

Always have someone with you anytime you have to see him.

Accept the house will be sold eventually and you will have a new safe place for you and dc where he has no rights to cross the threshold.

How very fucking dare he use children as pawns in a power play. He has done a number on you, you have been strong and will get stronger every day when you realise how close he came to convincing you to handing over a house with some free kids in it!

If you know anyone in any legal field then ask for a recommendation of a good family law solicitor and go and get a second opinion. There is nothing wrong with doing this and you need good advice right now.

He sounds like the type to have planned ahead and could get very aggressive when he realises you are not going to be intimidated into doing as you are told - get every precaution in place with the help of women's aid and pay attention to their warnings.

Tell everyone you and the children know that you are concerned for your family's safety, make it clear. Make sure all financial and official contacts know what is going on (bank, mortgage, utility etc), you can sign up with a credit check company and dissolve your financial association with your ex.

If he wants contact he can have it supervised with a family member or friend you trust or he can go to court. Expect the unexpected.

QueenofEsgaroth · 01/06/2017 18:53

Also obviously never ever meet at home or in private again, public crowded places only. That could change if he gets over himself but really watch your back.

Teach your children safe words and what to do if...

QueenofEsgaroth · 01/06/2017 18:55

and in case not already said change all passwords, mobile number, security checks everywhere remember he knows your mother's maiden name etc and is going to be a vindictive shit.

RoseNarene · 01/06/2017 19:48

My solicitor is bloody expensive. Currently looking into legal aid. Womens Aid will help me with stuff like that too.

OP posts:
UnicornSparkles1 · 01/06/2017 19:57

I think you will need an emergency residency order for the children, and pronto, otherwise in the eyes of the law you are no better than him when he threatened to do exactly the same thing and take the children away. The law will protect you if used properly.

Starlight2345 · 05/06/2017 00:19

You sound so much stronger now than at the beginning of your post.

I was in a refuge. It really helped me think clearly.

You need to stop taking calls from him right now. You are giving him chance to abuse you verbally with no evidence. He will think far more what he texts.

Don't even worry about the drama.
This man is not interested in the children. It is about controlling you. You are ensuring her a stable future. I went to a local sols to refuge who was used to dealing with abusive ex's.

I think your sols sounds half soaked to be honest.

bluediamonds · 11/06/2017 07:49

How's it going op? X

RoseNarene · 11/06/2017 19:23

Hello everyone

I've been away from the family home and staying at my mums for almost two weeks now. The doctor signed me off work and also gave me a letter to prove to the legal aid people that I'm the victim of emotional domestic abuse. If I get it, I plan on going for a child arrnagement order and a financial order. Not sure where that leaves me with regard to kicking the ex out of the house so I can go home. I think that requires a different kind of order.

I don't know how long it'll take to get these orders in place but I need them asap. My eldest starts school in September and I can't have my ex turning up and snatching her. I've already had to keep her off her Saturday drama school and yes I cancelled my Manchester trip which will mean I miss out on earning £2000. I've heard of interim orders that could be put in place but dont know much about those.

I want the kids to see their dad but only if he realises the detriment his words against me have caused. He needs to recognise that he can't say those things. But I fear he will accuse me of lying if I tell him the impact of his behaviour and nothing will change. Im considering going to mediation to talk to him about it - at the moment he doesn't even know that's why I'm keeping them from him.

He's tried everything in the book to get me to go back. He accused me of abandoning our very old cat and said he would have her put down because she's deteriorating (I checked on her when he was out and she was fine), and he said since I have moved out that he would leave all my stuff outside the house in bags. He didn't realise I didn't go to Manchester and wanted to call the police to accuse my family of abducting the children even though they were with me. But all these things he has threatened and not followed through.

He hasn't turned up looking for me because he's kinda scared of my dad and to be fair I think if he did turn up my dad would murder him!! He did turn up at my eldests drama school though. Luckily we didn't go.

I'm seeing my solicitor on Wednesday and Leeway on Thursday. I'd like to get somewhere to live temporarily but I'm still paying the mortgage and can't get benefits or a council house or anything. There's plenty of space here at my mums but it's not the ideal place for children and it'd be so much better to be independent. Feeling a bit stuck at the moment.

OP posts:
Steinbeck · 15/06/2017 21:23

Hi OP, just caught up with your thread. You sound like you are doing amazingly well! How have things progressed your last post? I hope you are doing ok Smile

Steinbeck · 18/06/2017 23:47

Bumping for an update. I hope you are doing ok OP? X

RoseNarene · 24/06/2017 06:52

Ex has gone for a child arrangement order.

I hate all this.

OP posts:
Zampa · 24/06/2017 07:07

IME an interim order will be put in place and the judge will appoint CAFCASS to look further into the children's wellbeing. You may both be asked to attend a separated parents' course.

A full order may not be agreed for several months. I think it took us 5 months to get things sorted. It's a long agonising process but you seem to have plenty of support. Use it.

Good luck and don't let the bastards getting you down.

Zampa · 24/06/2017 07:10

*grind

weatherbomb · 27/06/2017 21:56

OP, please please listen to pp. My exh constantly lies about how much caring he does for the DC and the courts do listen. As already mentioned, don't worry about ft work for now. He just wants everything on his terms & you to pay for the privilege. You need to maintain your status of primary carer. Under no circumstances let him into your bedroom or near your personal belongings. He will control for as long as you let him. Contact Women's Aid for additional assistance. I'm so sorry that you are going through this Flowers

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