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Ex lied to me to stop me having kids

174 replies

RoseNarene · 28/05/2017 12:34

So I broke up with ex on 14th February after the other woman contacted me and shared the disgusting conversations the two of them were having. Started divorce process soon after. My girls are only just 1 and almost 5. No court orders in place yet; I've been to my single session mediation and his is in a couple of weeks. What I do know is that he wants a shared residency arrangement whereby he gets the house and has the kids 4 days a week, and I get them 3 days. Currently, and before we broke up, I work 2 days a week (when the girls are at nursery) and he is full time. His idea is that I will go back to work full time because I have better career prospects and earn more money therefore I can afford to support myself, whereas he doesn't and can't, therefore that means he should get house and kids and all the benefits and that I should pay him maintenance.

Oh and it's also important to note that we are currently alternating our time spent in our marital home 50:50. Kids are always there but not both parents at the same time.

I work Saturdays (temporarily) so he has the kids at the weekend. However, I learnt that he was working this Saturday randomly so had his parents look after the kids. No problem there. Only, I then find that the kids stayed the night at his parents, and he didn't. He stayed at the marital home. I was pissed off on two counts - firstly that I was kicked out of the house when he could've gone to his parents (that's where he stays when he's not at our house) and secondly because I was losing out on time with my kids in favour of his parents! I accept I must share with him, but not them. I asked if I could have the kids back Saturday evening as they should be with at least one of their parents and he simply said no, that Saturday night was his responsibility and he had organised it so tough shit basically.

So I begin asking can I have them back Sunday morning (I've been ill this week so haven't seen them since Tuesday) and he says no because that's HIS time with the kids (it usually is) and that they are all going out that day. I ask if I can have them in the afternoon and he says no. The only thing he will allow is me driving an hour to his parents to get the girls at 6pm, which would be awful for the 1 year old as she would want to cuddle me etc and certainly wouldn't want to be shoved in the car for an hours journey home the moment she sees her mummy for the first time in days. So ex says he will bring them home Monday morning.

However... I noticed that he has left his car in the car park of a nearby restaurant (walking distance from our house). It's still there now, and it's lunchtime. So there's no way he could be at his parents without his car.

And then my friend texted me to say that she saw my ex in town doing a bike ride with a cycle club!! I looked up the club and they ride between 9am and 1pm!! Once he finishes and gets back to the car, it'll take him an hour to get back to his parents, where he has left the kids. So he isn't even with them and won't be until at least 2pm!

So he has lied to me, telling me that he is with the kids today and that's why I can't have them, because it's his time, when in reality, my kids are with his fucking parents while he goes on a bike ride and I'm left on my own and haven't seen my kids since Tuesday!!! I'm crying right now I'm so upset, I miss them so badly and he fucking lied to me!

Please tell me I can use this against him when he tries to get 50/50 residency and acts like all he does is in the best interests of the kids when clearly it isn't, unless keeping children from their mother is considered in children's best interests these days!!!

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 29/05/2017 14:52

Plus, most employees will have something in staff Handbooks or packs about compassionate leave.

Tell your manager/the most senior person you can what's happened and explain you NEED this time.

UnicornSparkles1 · 29/05/2017 14:53

Yes, exactly what Pops said ^^

WatchingFromTheWings · 29/05/2017 15:09

You do realise that you could be well on your way to losing custody of your children

As the current situation stands, he looks after the children 5 nights out of 7 - YOU are the non resident parent. The longer this goes on for the more likely a judge will be to make it official.

With all due respect, fuck your work trip, pack up as much as you can carry and take you and your children to a refuge before you lose them.

Agree with this. You need to take control rather than wait for a judge to make a decision which may not go in your favour.

MaisyPops · 29/05/2017 15:10

The OP needs to listen to this advice.

Her ex has this set up perfectly to his advantage.

Theresnonamesleft · 29/05/2017 15:57

I am not a lawyer but even I can see you have been given shit advice by yours.
Your ex has the children for 5 nights a week and you 2. This is nowhere near 50/50. He's using all the advice you are getting on this thread to place himself as primary carer and you are letting him.
If your lawyer was any good she would have also explained things like prohibitive steps order I think it's called. Basically there are legal steps to keep abusers out of the family home.
Did she also not tell you that going to mediation with an abuser never works?

Ask yourself this. What's more important the children or the work in Manchester? Because that's what it sounds like you are basing your decision on. You really want to loose your children because of this because you are going to.
You are going to be the one with visitation because to everyone else that's how the arrangement is working for you. It doesn't matter if you can show he didn't have the children during the day. He's a working single dad in the eyes of the law just trying to do his best whilst mum lives her own life.

Move back in. Put a lock on the bedroom door. Any verbal or physical engagement call the police. Wake up smell the coffee and get a 2nd opinion. The lawyer isn't shit hot. Imho she's just shit.

CarrieMayBe · 29/05/2017 16:13

OP, I'm in the same area as you. Could you PM me the name of your solicitor - I would thoroughly recommend mine but as she's also one of the top in the area I'm slightly concerned it may be the same one!

Nothing to add that hasn't already been said, you need to be in that house every night otherwise you could well lose your beautiful children to that arsehat who quite frankly doesn't deserve them after all he's done.

Divorce is shit, I'm in the exact same boat, but we'll all support you in this Flowers

RoseNarene · 29/05/2017 17:34

I am going to put a lock on my door and my mum has told me she thinks I ought to get signed off work.

I don't expect you all to understand but I do have to go to Manchester. It's a one off thing but if I don't do it I will lose £6000 worth of self employed work. I'm not being selfish, I don't want the money for me, but I have a personal loan to settle and it'll make a huge difference to the kids and me if I can get that paid off.

I have organised childcare with my family because to be fair my ex told me I would have to sort arrangements for whilst I'm in Manchester. So I have it sorted.

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 29/05/2017 18:04

I understand that you don't want to expose your kids to arguing, no good parent with, but your ex is using this to his advantage. He knows that if he is difficult/ abusive with you, you will remove yourself to spare the kids witnessing it. Worse than seeing arguing temporarily would be ending up with him the resident parent. Sadly I think you need to find a way to tolerate all being together in the house for now.

RandomMess · 29/05/2017 18:07

The few days in Manchester isn't a big issue.

You moving back into the home and staying there every night (other than occasional trip) is the key here.

Get a TV in there too so you don't have to spend time in his company once the DC have gone to bed. If his behaviour becomes increasingly abusive, call the police, apply for prohibitive steps order or if it comes to it go to a refuge with the DC.

Flowers KOKO

RoseNarene · 29/05/2017 18:16

You're all totally right and I have a plan.

Tomorrow I am getting a lock for my door. I am moving all of his stuff out of my bedroom so he doesn't have any reason to go in there.

I will write him a letter with notice of these new arrangements - that I have installed a lock to protect myself (and the children in the case of arguments) in light of his emotionally abusive behaviour as this is what I was advised to do by police (which is true but I didn't think I could at the time). Also telling him that removal of the lock will be considered a threat and I will call the police.

With regards to childcare, he can have the kids every other weekend. I have a way of preventing him from just taking them away every weekend (basically I can take the kids off to stay the night elsewhere with me before he gets home from work) so that's covered.

My mum also suggested going on long term sick leave from work and I'm considering this too.

Thank you all for all your help. I wouldn't have thought to put this plan together without your advice!!!

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 29/05/2017 18:32

Good plan.
Do always communicate with him in writing so you have evidence of what he says, in particular when you make reasonable suggestions and he shoots them down.
If he says something important to you verbally email him afterwards "to confirm what we discussed today, I'm unable to agree with your suggestion X because...."
If you go on your trip to Manchester act as though those days are "your" contact days and either arrange alternate care for the kids or email him asking for him to cover those days as a one off. Don't act as though he is the primary parent and you go off on business trips regularly with him as default carer.
Would that be regularly taking the kids elsewhere at weekends or just occasionally if he starts being difficult?

RoseNarene · 29/05/2017 18:42

I will take the kids elsewhere every other weekend as it's only fair that he has them sometimes. I'm going to explain that I want every other weekend so my kids get a chance to see my dad and their uncles, as they work during the week so my girls never see them. If I use that reasoning I can hardly keep him from taking my girls to his parents every other weekend.

As it happens, he told me to sort childcare for Manchester so we're good there!!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/05/2017 19:18

You are sounding so much stronger and together.

I wouldn't mention about the DC seeing your family. I would ensure that you do include - alternate weekends so that we each have quality time with the DC especially with X being at full time school soon. This is to emphasise that there is a key difference in the quality of time with the DC between weekdays and weekends.

UnicornSparkles1 · 29/05/2017 19:36

Yes Rose! Good for you. And what Random said is perfect.

Good luck!

CherryMintVanilla · 29/05/2017 23:09

Re-arrange the bedrooms during 'your' time, so that there is one for him and one for you, even if that means putting the one year old in with you. Call someone and have a lock put on the door, lock it behind you when ever you leave. Then get friends/family over as much as possible.

And if he threatens you, call the police and get it documented.

Your legal representation is probably correct in all they're telling you, but you need to make sure things are in your favour as much as possible. You work two days, there's no need for you to have 50/50 shared care. The fact that his concerns are primarily about money/house would make my blood boil.

CherryMintVanilla · 29/05/2017 23:13

Sorry OP, I missed your update. You're doing great!

RoseNarene · 30/05/2017 08:55

I spoke to women's aid and they told me to get in touch with an outreach officer. They said it sounds like ex is very controlling and not putting the needs of the girls first. They agreed with the plan to move back in and create a 'safe space' in my bedroom with a lock on the door, but she did say that it sounds to her like I don't have anything to worry about as far as him taking custody is concerned.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/05/2017 09:07

Please move back in and don't risk it. He has a barrister and is going to be prepared to lie in court.

I wouldn't go sick from work I would speak to the though. Taking unpaid leave may be another option if needed.

Flowers
RoseNarene · 30/05/2017 09:29

Oh don't worry I'm moving back in.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/05/2017 09:42

Grin keep a detailed log of his unacceptable behaviour, picking arguements etc.

donajimena · 30/05/2017 09:44

I'm really pleased to see your update. My OHs ex did exactly what your twat ex is trying to do. Good luck. You are not on your own now with all the lovely posters on your side.

UnicornSparkles1 · 30/05/2017 10:19

You sound so much stronger Rose, I'm so glad!

RoseNarene · 30/05/2017 11:36

Bother in law is on the way over to put the lock on...

OP posts:
RoseNarene · 30/05/2017 14:15

Done!!!

Ex lied to me to stop me having kids
OP posts:
UnicornSparkles1 · 30/05/2017 14:28

Well done! How are you feeling? Have you informed him that you're moving back in?

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